I Feel There’s A But

I had dinner with my girlfriend last week and we were talking about me and Mr. C. I inevitably began to tell her what I always say “He’s just a great guy”. She said “I feel like there’s a but coming”. “No, but” I responded.

She smiled. I wasn’t ready to share what I thought were irrational thoughts. I just wanted to drink the big glass of Chardonnay and relax after a long day. The thing about sisterhood is that it needs no pushing or pulling. She knew when to ask and when to let me tell her.

We continued to talk and then she asked “So, what is it about this guy that you’re not saying?” I paused. I replied, “I just can’t help but to wonder is this for real? Is this really happening to me. Is this wonderful man real?” I went on to explain how I keep feeling like I’m being punked. She asked me to explain.

I told her how he says the sweetest things to me and I don’t know how to respond. Because the old bitter me (rightfully so) would think it’s Bulls**t but it’s not. He’s genuine. He’s wonderful.

She wanted me to explain further. So, I told her some of the things that he says to me. Here are some examples I gave her:

• When he left me on hold too long. He clicks back over and I yell “You left me on hold too long. I was going to hang up.” He responded “I know and I’m sorry, but I would’ve called you back.”
• When he told me that I spend too much money eating out and how he would change that if we were married. I sighed. I was already cussing this man out in my head. I said “How would you change that?” He said “I would just cook so you wouldn’t have to go out and eat.”
• When he said that he’s just trying to understand me. I responded, “I’m a runner. When things get too emotional I run. I can’t deal.” He said that he’s not going to chase me. I asked “You’re not going to chase me?” He simply responded “No”. There was an awkward silence. He said “I will walk swiftly after you and when you get tired of running and fall to the ground, I’ll pick you up and carry you the rest of the way.”

Now, honestly what the hell am I supposed to say to that? I get stumped. I sigh. I smile. I inwardly pray that he is who he says he is. I wonder deep down inside am I getting punked. Why? Because I’ve had horrible experiences with men. I’ve also had some great ones but those are few and far in between.

Mr. C is patient with me. He doesn’t think I’m the kind of crazy that he has to run from. He just lets me get out my frustrations and insecurities and holds me tighter. He smiles brighter. He encourages me a little more.

In essence, there is a but to my relationship with Mr. C. My but is that I want more. I want us to continue to grow in the space and place of genuineness.  Where our communication will continue to flow freely. Where our thoughts and dreams will be interpreted with enthusiasm. Where our fears and angst’s will be listened to thoughtfully and squashed with fervor. Because in this place and space where we are existing, we remind each other that buts are okay. They allow us to seek clarity.

But, one more thing….He’s still a great guy and I’m forever thankful.