Happy Birthday Brennan!

I wanted to share the letter I wrote to my son for his 5th birthday!

Dear Brennan,

Five years ago today God blessed me with the opportunity to give birth to one of the most beautiful babies in the world.  I was scared, but when you opened your eyes, the world settled.  I knew in that moment that God was preparing me to raise a king. 

I may not have all the answers to your questions or be able to wipe away every tear that should fall from your eyes, but I promise you these things…

  • I will always have your back no matter what.
  • I will be your biggest cheerleader supporting you and encouraging you to be the great man God has designed for you.
  • I will pray for you each and every day.
  • I will try my best to teach you about God and help you make that decision to accept Jesus as your personal Savior.
  • I will lead by example.  I will be someone you will always be proud to call mom.
  • I will love you more than my own life knowing that you belong to God and I am only the vessel that was fortunate enough to carry and birth you.

It’s been five beautiful years and I am so thankful that you are mine and in awe of you every day.  Happy Birthday Baby!

When You Don’t Understand

“Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about Learning To Dance In The Rain.~ Vivian Greene

In my last post, I talked about loving the scary and trying to embrace your reactions when faced with scary situations or uncertain times.  I wanted to follow-up with my own testimony as to how it is working out for me…


Recently, I’ve made some decisions in my life that have been difficult, heartbreaking and gut wrenching to the core. I’ve tried to overcome these “scary situations” by putting on a brave face, crying, praying and trying to accept the decisions and pain of my choices.  I’m weathering the storm in my own self-imposed isolated valley of death (primarily because this is what it feels like to me).  I have felt alone and desolate in this valley and I’m struggling to get out of it.  It’s not a physical valley, but rather a mental one that I can’t seem to climb up.  I have been praying day in and day out for guidance on how to get over, under, around and through my situation with no success.  Now, hear me when I say this… I stay prayed up and I know that God has not forgotten me, but patience has never been my strong suit.  Even after being a mother for five years, I’m not a patient person.  I want the pain to end.  I want to know that God will just fix it now.  But, he hasn’t and I just realized why it’s okay that He hasn’t.

I’ve let my situation and my circumstances try to define me and how I handle my storm and move forward.  I can’t do this on my own and I know that God will not forsake me and he hasn’t forgotten me.  He sees all and knows all and He knows that I’m crying out in pain and I need Him.  My spiritual friend and pastor reminded me that I need to be still and be in prayer.  He told me that I’m doing and saying too much.  I responded, “I know, but it’s easier said than done.” He said, “I know, but God hears and heals all.”

But, let me try and testify to you for a minute on how God reminds me that He is still in control.  Literally, after I got off the phone with my pastor, I got on my knees crying and praying for God to send me a healing and got no response.  This was Wednesday night.  I felt dejected, exhausted and alone.  I climbed into bed and tried to unsuccessfully to get some sleep.  My spirit was restless and so was I yesterday, but when I tell you that God showed me a sign and I started to testify at work.  I went into the bathroom to cry and say thank you Jesus.  I get it.  I understand.  It happened when I was listening to Pandora on my cell phone and Smokie Norful’s “I understand” came on the radio.  I got it.  Read the lyrics below and you will too…

Sometimes I feel like giving up
It seems like my best, just ain’t good enough
Lord if you hear me, I’m calling you
Do you see, do you care,
All about what I’m goin’ through?

And then He said, 
One more day, One more step
See, I’m preparing you, oh, for Myself
And when you can’t hear My voice, please, trust My plan
I am the Lord, I see you, and, yes, I understand

But, sometimes I feel like I’m all alone
I’m just like a stranger so far from home
I feel like I’ve done all that I can do
Please Lord, give me strength
I’m just tryin’ to make it through
And that’s when he told me

(One more day) One more step, yeah
(One more step) Oh my child, I’m preparing you for Myself
And when you can’t hear My voice
Please just trust My plan
I am the Lord, I see you, and, yes, I understand

Oh, He knows just how much we can bear
And in the time of trouble He promised
He would always be there
Oh, I understand (I understand)
The Lord is telling you, yes, I understand
I am the Lord, I see you, and, yes, I understand

This is what he says…I am the Lord and I changeth not
I won’t forget nor have I forgot
You see everything works according to My plan
I am God, trust Me, I got the whole world in My hands

Oh, one more day, one more step
I’m preparing you, all for myself
I’m getting you ready, 
And if you can’t hear My voice, 
If you can’t hear me speaking, oh
Just trust My plan
Yeah, I’m the Lord, I love you, I see you and I understand

I’m the Lord, I see you and yes I understand
I am the Lord. I see everything you’re going through, yes
Every problem, every trial, every burden, every situation
I understand, I won’t leave you
Yeah, Yeah, I understand
understand

It was if God was saying to me, I see you and all you’re going through and I understand because I promised that I would always be here for you.  He reminded me that he was preparing me. Wow! God is an awesome God and I’m blessed because of His promise to keep me in his arms and protect me from all harm.  He reminded me that when I’m in trouble He understands and will always be there for me.  

I’ve heard this song many times before, but I needed to remember that even when I can’t hear Him, I needed to trust his plan.  What plans?  I don’t know, but I know that it will start with me getting out of this valley and drawing closer to Him.  My life is not perfect.  I’m a sinner and sometimes I fall short in remembering that God’s grace applies to me too.  I will get through this in His time, not mine.  So, if you are a prayer warrior or believe that people need good wishes/luck, please add me to that list as I go through this journey.  I know that I will be battered, bruised and broken, but I promise that I will get up and I will survive because it is in God’s plan and will for me.  I understand.