I Wish

I love the scent of you

The scent of your skin invokes memories of

Happiness

When we were happy

When we loved without thought

When we laughed without regard

When we realized that in this bitter world

It was only us

That existed

 

But our existence has ended

We live in two separate worlds

Worlds of reality and fantasy

I want reality

You want fantasy

You tell me that your fantasy is my reality

And I realize that you may be right

And I wish I could turn back time

Rewind all the memories

Erase from my mind the scent of you

Then maybe I could stop

Just stop

Hating you

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The Beginning

It always starts off nice. You know when you meet someone and they seem to be a good person? An admirable, stand up, good looking man with a sense of humor that just gets my quirky and nerdy ways. You laugh, you flirt and you speak constantly. The ebb and flow of the conversation is perfect. It is just how you imagined.

You see him share pieces of his childhood, bear his soul about his last failed relationship, discuss his dreams and you stop, smile and daydream that this could be happening. That you could actually find someone that you want to spend quality time getting to know. That you could have found “the one” who you could introduce to your girlfriends, your family and your son.

Your smile is infectious over dinner. Your laugh is contagious when you go bowling. You enjoy being in his presence while smoking a cigar at the bar sipping your champagne slowly. You look into his eyes and see that this…this could be the beginning of happiness.

Then you stop. You stutter. You catch yourself because you know that you’ve been here before. You’ve watched a man “woo and court you” only to end up where you started. Alone. Alone is not bad. Alone is just lonely.

So, I will just enjoy the ride and go with the flow. I might be staring into my future or living in the present with someone designed to bring out the best in me. It gets easier to determine which is which when I take my time. Patience is the key.

Because dating sucks!

Dating Chronicles: Pressed

Dictionary.com defines pressed as a verb “to compel haste”. 

Yep, that is accurate. Pressed people can be annoying. What kind of things do pressed people do? Call you all the time. For no reason. It wasn’t like they wanted anything. Just wanted to call and see what you were doing. “Same thing I was doing 30 minutes ago when you called”. Is that pressed? Yep, pressed.

Pressed people also show up when you do on-line dating. Nothing is worse than going through the process of getting to know someone and they are trying to rush you. Rush you for your number. Rush you for a picture. Why? I don’t know you well enough to send you my photo. We’ve texted each other for like 20 minutes. Are they pressed? Yes.

This is my plea to all those pressed people. Stop it! Take your time in getting to know someone. Be honest and transparent. Don’t rush the process, but don’t go too slow because you might miss the train. It’s a fine line from showing interest to being pressed. How fine? One email, tweet or phone call away from being labeled a “stalker” and having your number blocked.

Take care loves!

Black Girl Broken

Unexplained infertility

That was the diagnosis

No medical reason

Why this black girl couldn’t conceive

I’m broken

I cried out “My God why have you forsaken me?”

 

“Options” was what the doctor said

“You have options”

In a cloudy haze I listened as this man

Began to explain my uterus

My womb

The core of my existence that was supposed to bring forth life

He was telling me how it worked?

How could he know?

 

How could he know what I was feeling?

Could he see through my soul and know that

I was burning and screaming

In pain

I was broken

My uterus was the soul of who I am

It was broken

No medical reason

No real diagnosis

Unexplained infertility

Black girl broken

 

 

Munch Moment: Divorce Sucks

Divorce sucks. Yep, I said it.

Besides it being excruciating on the couple, it is painful for the children of the divorcing couple. I read this post on Scary Mommy Post entitled “An Open Letter of Apology to My Kids” by Abby M. King and cried. It was such an emotional piece about what every parent who goes through divorce feels. The agonizing emotion that you are hurting your kids. The guilt that they will somehow be damaged by your own choices.

Does it hurt? Absolutely. Will your kids get over it? Umm, it depends. I would like to believe that my son will get over it. I would like to think by us being apart and civil to each other and being present at every thing that he will see that we are trying to normalize his reality. No, it won’t be easy. Yes, we will act a fool and not speak at times, but we have to keep trying right?

I never wanted munch to suffer, but I know that in time it will get easier. Not because I never loved his dad or wanted my marriage, but because I continue to tell him that he has two parents who love him more than life itself. I remind him that “Mommy and Daddy love you without thought or reason because we know that you were the best gift we ever received. ” But, I wonder is that enough?

I know that my son longs for a two parent home. I know he wishes that his parents can figure out a way to make it the way it was, but that is a fantasy and we live in reality and the reality is…that divorce sucks. It breaks my heart when he says things like, “Daddy, I gave mommy a big hug and kiss. It’s your turn daddy.” Why? Because he’s being manipulative. He wants to see his parents kiss and make-up. Kisses won’t make it better. However, I remind myself that he is six and wants to see his parents together so I shrug it off.

I don’t have an open letter that I want to write to munch (not yet), but there are some things that I wanted to apologize for. So here goes:

  • I’m sorry that you will no longer know what it feels like to walk in your parents bedroom and tell us both that you had a bad dream.
    • You will have to wake up in your bedroom whether at your dad’s or my house and tell us (depending on whose week it is). We will still listen, kiss and tuck you back into bed.
  • I’m sorry that you have two rooms and you forget your favorite toy at my house. It’s okay.
    • I will bring it to you if you ever want me too. It’s no problem. Your comfort matters to me.
  • I’m sorry that you will not grow up seeing your parents kiss and hug and be affectionate to each other.
    • You hated this when we were married, but I know that it will hurt when you see your dad or I find someone else. I promise you that you will never see that affection unless it is someone who is absolutely special and he knows that you and I are a package deal.
  • I’m sorry that you won’t see us eat dinner as a family.
    • We do this once a year for your birthday and I know it sucks, but we’re a new kind of a family trying to figure out new traditions. Not all of them will be weird. Some will though.
  • I’m sorry that you won’t know how it will feel to wake up on Christmas morning with both of us in the house.
    • We tried this last year. Your dad came over at 6 am so that he could be there to watch you open your gifts. You didn’t wake up to 10 am. Needless to say it was a long day.

I’m sorry if some days it feels as though your world is upside down when I show up to spend time with you because I miss you so much. I’m not trying to confuse you and I want you to adjust to the schedule you’re on, but mommy gets lonely too. I know that you don’t understand why divorce had to happen, but I promise you that I am a better mother because of it. Your dad is a better father because of it. We’re still your parents and we’re still your family. Always munch.

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Curvy Girl Shopping

Okay so this year one of the things that I’m trying to do is show you me. All of me. Be more transparent in my writing. I think I’m pretty transparent, but there are some things that I still hold back on. One of the things is simply…me.

I don’t like putting my body out in cyberspace. Not that I’m embarrassed. No, I just don’t want the attention. Good or bad, I’m really private like that. Well, in my published piece last year I talked about owning my attitude about how I feel and look and being comfortable in my skin. I wanted to stop hiding and start loving.

Yeah, I love me. However, not on cyberspace. I am withdrawn and shy. As I started approaching 40, my best friend encouraged me to buy some new jeans. She said, “You’re losing weight and all your jeans hang off your waist and it’s not flattering.” I was shocked. One that she noticed my weight loss and two that it was bothering someone. I know it may seem small to some of you, but a curvy girl hates to be told she looks drab. Especially by someone you love and admire.

So, with that piece of advice, I bought my first pair of skinny jeans. Yep, at 40. It was hard ya’ll. I hated drawing attention to my waist and backside. But, I had to admit that it did flatter my shape in a positive way. Great advice bestie!

This weekend I accompanied my bestie shopping because she is going out-of-town and needed some cute clothes. Let me tell you that my bestie is a curvy girl too and if she does shop, she needs to try on clothes in the store. I’ve not tried on clothes in a store in years because I hate undressing in public spaces. I always wonder if they are secretly recording you. LOL!

So, I decided it would be a good idea to get another pair of skinny jeans and try on some clothes for moral support. Now, I’ve been losing weight and I find that I’m in between sizes. I hate that. I was originally in a size 26 jean and now I’m in a size 20 because a 22 is too big. I can’t believe I shared that, but I am owning my size and loving the skin that I’m in.

Now, back to the clothes. Ashley Stewart had their spring collection out and I was loving it. I was gravitating towards the bright colors because I could use some enhancements in the color department for my wardrobe.  Why? Because, I tend to gravitate towards darker colors. I found this beautiful fuchsia peplum trench jacket because a girl can never have too much pink in her wardrobe and this green trench with gold detail.

I’ve never been a fan of green, but let me tell you that I loved it. I loved the fit, the cut and the color was so eye-popping sexy that I had to buy it. I didn’t really try on any clothes outside of a pair of jeans and a lightweight sweater. I told you that I hated trying on clothes. But, I wanted to share the photos with you.

Let me know what you think.

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Motivational Monday Moment: Psalm 23

One of my favorite passages in the bible is Psalm 23. It is one of the first passages that I memorized as a child and even as an adult it provides so much comfort when I’m going through something. Which lately seems to be often. I want to share a motivational moment with you by sharing this Psalm.

I had a horrible Monday last week. I was stressed on the way to work. Bad weekend and communication led to me being disheartened and annoyed when I woke up. I put on my brave face and went into the office and realized that it was going to be one of those days. You know the ones that suck really bad because everyone woke up on the wrong side of the bed?

Yep, I was in a never-ending nightmare of foolishness. I was hot. On the way to work a friend was ministering to me and he said “You have an anointing on your life and I don’t know why you won’t acknowledge and accept that. You know that every trial and test is meant to strengthen you. You know the word. Read Psalm 23 and pray.” I mumbled, “Thank you and got off the phone.” Not realizing that my day would only get worse.

But, let me tell you how good God is. I forgot that I had to lead the Christian Education church call last Monday night until it popped on my calendar. I was freaking out. I called my mom. I said, can you please help me? Can you be on the call, do the opening or closing prayer? Something? She said, “I can’t baby. I have a meeting at church at the same time.” I sighed.

She sent me a suggested bible verse and I have to tell you that it was God’s divine intervention. The call was wonderful and praise filled. I was disappointed at the turnout but I understood because there were a number of things going on at the church and I was happy with the few that did join. I did the opening prayer and gave the bible verse discussion which was John 16:17-20 and John 16:23-28.  It was awesome.

I gave testimony to how this season really reminds me of the true sacrifice of God and how my son is really getting excited about Easter. Not the candy or the Easter baskets but the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. Wow! I was praying and praising about the goodness of God and you know what? He did it! I felt better. I ended the call and went to dinner with my girlfriend in a wonderful spirit. I knew I needed to get right. So, you know what?

I don’t want you to have a horrible Monday. I want you to learn from my testimony and know that this too shall pass. This situation may be bad, but know that it is temporary. You were meant to be victorious.

I hope and pray that your Monday is absolutely positive and you know that you were divinely made and perfectly created by God. I want you to know that God is always with you and you have nothing to fear. He is your comforter and your protector.

Psalm 23

The Divine Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
    he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
    for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
    I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff—
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    my whole life long.

 

Be blessed loves!

First Day of Spring

Galatians 6:9 (NRSV)

So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up.

Today is the first day of spring. I love spring. It is a new season that brings about rebirth. It’s cold and snowing here today, but I’m still smiling. I want you to do the same. So, let’s shrug off the winter blues and step into this season with strength and purpose. We will be resilient and victorious this season!

Here are some things that are on my agenda this spring:

  • Spring Parent/Teacher conference next week at munch’s school.
  • Spring Soccer or Football? We couldn’t get on the same team as last Spring because the age group was full on the Jets. So, we’re looking into getting on another team or playing tackle football. Munch went to practice and said he liked it. But, am I ready? No. I will keep you updated. LOL
  • Baltimore Zoo with munch and his friends in a couple of weeks. He is so excited.
  • My munch turns 7 on April 30th and I’m doing cupcakes and juice boxes at his school.
  • My munch will have his official birthday party on May 2nd.
  • I’m going home to Tennessee on May 9th for my grandmother’s mother’s day celebration. I’m bringing munch who is excited to ride on an airplane again.
  • I have a wedding in Baltimore Memorial Day weekend. I can’t wait.

So, those are my confirmed plans this spring, but I’m always busy so we will see what get’s added to my schedule. LOL! I’m looking forward to whatever God has in store for me because winter had me catching the blues and spring has me excited about possibilities. Ya’ll know I love possibilities right?

Be blessed loves!

happy-spring

Quick Rant: Synthetic Children

My quick rant…

By now many of you may have heard the foolishness of Dolce & Gabanna’s controversial remarks that took the internet by storm earlier this week. If you haven’t heard about it, let me hip you on some of the controversy that Leigh Weingus wrote for The Huffington Post:

According to translations, the pair — who dated for 23 years and broke up in 2005 — stated that children born through IVF are “children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”

“I am gay, I cannot have a child. I guess you cannot have everything in life,” Dolce added. “Life has a natural course, some things cannot be changed. One is the family.”

What? How are children synthetic when they are born with human DNA? Now, I’m not going to slay them like the rest of the internet did with their comments because what I think they were saying is that they choose not to have children because they are gay and they don’t want to reproduce children through IVF. Okay, I get it. Your choice.

But, the comments about children being synthetic were wrong. As I’ve shared on here before, my munch was created through IVF. It took two attempts to get it right and we were pregnant. It was hard. It was painful. It was not traditional, but we wanted a baby. We were a traditional family who had problems conceiving, but does it matter? Does it make my baby less synthetic?

Many couples struggle with fertility issues. I’m an advocate for fertility options and healthy families. We can’t judge choices to use science to get a baby as a joke. Many children wouldn’t be here and I can’t imagine a day without my munch’s smile.

I wish that all people would realize the simple truth…Children are a gift from God. No matter how they are conceived. We should be thankful for them.

 

Stressing

So, ya’ll know I’m behind right? On what? My book. I set the March 31st date to finish and I’ve gotten distracted and off track. I’m working on fixing that and hopefully will have it done by June 30th. Too much to do and not a lot time.

I’m working on finding the perfect name, designing the cover and all the stuff that comes with self-publishing. But, I have to say I’m tired. In the midst of being mommy and working full-time, I have a lot of stuff going on that is mentally draining me. No fault of anyone, it’s just that I worry about folks and things that are happening to them. I can’t seem to find a shortage of people to add to my prayer list and some days I am just burning the candle at both ends.

I become withdrawn, despondent and mournful. I pray and begin to compartmentalize my feelings because I need to be strong for everyone else. I need them to know that I am someone they can count on. That I’m the person who will be in their corner, praying and cheering them to a successful recovery. But, what about me?

I once dated a man who said, “I worry about who will take care of you because you have a lot on your mind.” I replied, “I hear you, but I will be all right. God will provide.” And He does. Exceedingly and abundantly. But, I have a confession…sometimes I don’t let Him.

Why? Because I’m so busy trying to be everyone’s superhero that I get tired. My cape gets tangled around my feet and when I take it off to wash and dry, I cry wondering should I really put it back on? (Sigh). But, I always put it back on because I don’t know any other way.

But, I’m not complaining because it is my choice. I just need to refocus, rewrite and reschedule my book release. I need to get my head right and do what I’m supposed to do. Just like in college and when I’ve interviewed for jobs. I am the only one who can be held accountable for my actions. Accountable huh? Yep, I’m accountable.

My choice to worry and stress. My choice to feel the need to fix the lives of other’s because it is easier to help someone else then deal with my own issues. My own thoughts. I know it and I’ve decided that I’m going to choose me. I’m going to finish my book by June 30th.

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This is how I feel some days wearing my crown and cape.