Dating Chronicles: Let Me Help You

So in yesterday’s post, I wrote how I had re-written my dating profile a few times and wanted your advice. Well, earlier this month I was talking to a friend of mine who had updated his pictures on-line and told him that he needed to update his on-line dating profile too. He said, “Yeah? Okay, do one for me.”

Hopefully by now you know that I can be pretty snarky sometimes and I took his challenge and wrote his profile. I sent it to him. He was livid. He called me and said, “T, for real? Is this what you think of me?” However, I let a few other men read it and they loved it. They wanted to use it because they know that it will have women interested.

Here’s the profile I wrote:

I am a man who enjoys the single life. I’m not looking to settle down and yes I know it’s been 4 years, but baby I’m free! So, if you want someone who wants to spend time with you on my schedule…I’m your man. I enjoy chilling with my boys, coaching youth football and relaxing with a fine big breasted sister. I am hung like a horse and I know how to please you. Again, you will like my sexual prowess in bed, but don’t get it twisted…I don’t want to commit to you or any woman at this time.

I enjoy traveling with a sexy sister so that we can spend 7 days uninhibited on a tropical island, drinking, sexing and smoking cigars. Be open to the fact that I will travel with you, but you are NOT allowed to take photos with me to be posted on any site because again, I’m single. I have a lot of female friends and I like a woman who will submit to me. No women with attitudes who can’t be controlled. I like controlling you in both public and private.

I love sports, Incredible Hulks (my favorite alcoholic drink) and listening to good music. I lay it low and will spread you wide, but again you won’t get it all the time. Don’t be greedy and go with the flow. I’m my own man and will not be rushed into a relationship with you or anyone. No matter how good your cookie is.

Turn-offs:

  • Smart women. I like you to be smart, but not that smart. I’m the man and I should be smarter than you.
  • Smart mouths. I hate when women say slick stuff out of their mouths. Be a lady and do as you’re told. Bossy women. Women who think that they can control me. Again, I’m the man.
  • Women with values. Not looking to settle down so please keep your moral and value having self on your side of town.
  • Women with small breasts. I mean I will sleep with you, but I’m a breast man. Small breasts are a turn off.
  • Women with an opinion. Look, you can keep that for your employer. You only need the opinion I give you.
  • Women with self-respect. Again, you know what I want so if you respect yourself too much you’re wasting your time.

What do you think about the profile I wrote? I mean his profile really stands out now. He would probably get more interest from the revised profile that I wrote if he wasn’t too scared to use it.

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Encouraging Thunder Award

I was nominated by the wonderful blogger La Sabrosona over at My Spanglish Familia for the Encouraging Thunder Award. I’m super excited to have a group of wonderful and successful bloggers who read my stuff and actually comment on it. Better yet, they nominate and encourage each other for awards. So, I’m super excited to let you know about the Encouraging Thunder Award I was nominated for.

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What you can do with Encouraging Thunder award?

  • Post it on your blog
  • Grant other bloggers with the award

What you can’t do with Encouraging Thunder award?

  • Abuse or misuse the logo
  • Claim that it’s your own handmade logo

What you should do after receiving Encouraging Thunder award:

  • Enjoy the award
  • At least gives thanks via comments and likes and or mentioning the blog who gave the award.
  • Mention your purpose in blogging

My Purpose in Blogging:

I started blogging because a girlfriend of mine encouraged me to start a blog like she did on blogger. This was eight years ago. We were married, had no children and had dogs. So our blogs were about our lives minus children. Pretty boring huh?

I wasn’t very committed to blogging and when I got pregnant and put on bed rest, I started to write more. But, life got in the way. I had my baby after a difficult pregnancy and delivery and just got too tired. I would occasionally write a post if something happened, but being a working supermom it was hard for me to dedicate time to write. That changed last year.

I was separated and divorcing and I felt as though I was in a perpetual hell. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t breathe and I was broken. The pain of anger and hurt were destroying me. I was on the floor crying one day with my son holding my head and saying, “Mommy, don’t cry. I will protect you.” I cried harder. After about two weeks of this, God spoke to me and said, “Get up! This is done.” No lie.

Just like that. I got up and moved forward. Knowing and trusting that God had me and my son no matter what. I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve learned from my failures and my faith is deeply rooted. This has made me stronger. In being stronger and trying to get my words out of my head I started to blog again.

I moved my blog to WordPress and decided to create a logo. I was taking it seriously by investing time and effort into me. I committed to time spent reading, writing and reflecting about things that interested me. I committed to being transparent and to grow my followers.

I wanted to bring readers into my world and help you see things from my point of view. To talk about the social issues that mattered to me. To share my hilarious parenting stories. To talk about my dating issues. To heal. Writing is healing me. It is allowing me to explore the crevices of my spirit and share. For that, I’m thankful for the experiences.

That’s why I started blogging.

Now, I wanted to nominate these other awesome blogs that I think you should check out:

Profiling

Okay, so I have re-written my on-line dating profile a couple of times because I’m trying to weed out the undesireables up front. You know the folks that won’t match with me because I know that I will lose it if they can’t write a complete sentence. I’ve been told that I’m hard on men and I think that is inaccurate. I am hard on people that don’t put their best foot forward. There is a difference.

Well, here’s my latest profile:

I’m smart, sincere, straightforward and honest. I value those same qualities in men. I have to admit that I’ve been doing this on-line thing for almost a year and I’m finding some patterns that are causing me to be frustrated. Here are some patterns that I’ve discovered:

1. Underlying trust issues with women
2. Not being able to write a complete sentence
3. Not being over your ex
4. Not being able to deal with intelligent women because of either 1 or 2.
5. Men with self-esteem issues
6. Men with psychological issues
7. Men who love drama

Let me be clear that those are true “turn-offs”. Men say that they don’t want a woman with drama, but a lot of them like drama too. Life’s too short to be a lying, drama filled man who is obsessed with self. If you have any of those above characteristics, please keep it moving.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way I want to tell you why you should contact me:

1. I’m smart. There is nothing wrong with being a little nerdy. Keeps the conversation interesting.
2. I’m honest and I expect the same. My profile isn’t a lie.
3. I’m hardworking. I believe in taking care of myself and my son. (I only have one and he was created in marriage).
4. I’m an advocate for open communication. We should be able to talk about everything in due time.
5. I’m sane. LOL. No psychological problems. Trust that I believe in self-examination first and I’m good.
6. No drama. I detest drama and things that are meant to weaken a moment.
7. I have no self-esteem issues. I love me and am very content with all that has been provided.

Finally, I am an eternal optimist. I am a feminist. I love to smile, laugh and take my time getting to know people. I love life and I am stepping out of my comfort zone this year and trying new things.

What do you think? Too much? Too little?

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In Memoriam of My Marriage

“I’ve examined my first marriage from every angle – dissecting every reason why it didn’t work.

In the end, I came to the conclusion that my marriage didn’t fail – it simply ended due to incompatibility and our difficulties resolving ongoing conflicts that were becoming increasingly damaging to our children.” – Terry Gaspard

 

Last weekend I attended the marriage of one of my friend’s daughters. It was a beautiful wedding and the first wedding event I had attended since my own marriage ended. I was sitting there reflecting/reminiscing about my own wedding day and how it was the happiest day of my life. It was like a dream. I was marrying a man who LOVED ME.

But, underneath it all, I was a scared wreck. How could someone love me with all my flaws? How could someone see past this facade and promise before God and my friends to love me? Would I be a good wife? I mean, I play one now because we live together in NYC, but what happens after we’re married? Will I change? Will he change? Those were some of the questions running through my mind on my day.

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Marriage does change people. It should change you. You should want to be better and live better for the person you promised yourself too. You should want to be a therapist, a best friend and a spouse. Different roles all combined in one person. You will need to be able to wear the appropriate hat at the appropriate time. How will you know when to wear the right hat? By talking to your spouse. Communication is key. Speak openly and respectfully about your needs and wishes.
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We didn’t. We loved hard, fought harder and in the end it was incompatibility and our inability to resolve those issues that wouldn’t go away. We were destroying each other. Not what I wanted and I’m sure he never wanted it. We dang sure didn’t want it for munch, so divorce was the only responsible thing to do. Let go of what you thought you could forcibly fix and walk away dropping the pieces on the floor.shattered-heart-520x325

Life didn’t turn out the way I imagined and I never thought I would be here, but I am. I have no regrets, scars and many lessons learned. However, I am stronger and more determined to not repeat the past. The thing about this wedding was that it reminded me of what love was. Beautiful.
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Until next time!

My Commencement to My 18 Year Old Self

It’s funny that at this time right now when people are graduating that I should be re-evaluating or evaluating my life as well. You know, wishing I had known things that I know now. Thankful for the things that I didn’t know then that probably would have scared the heck out of me. So, it got me to thinking about what I would say to myself at 18 at my high school commencement.

Why? Because no one remembers the speech the valedictorian gave. High school (much like college) was filled with papers, my senior thesis, community activism and parties and I really can’t remember what was commenced. But, if I could for just one moment go back and give my younger self a message it would be this…

  • You are bigger than your problem. Sometimes things will happen to you that you are unprepared for. Mountains will seem unmovable and your problems will seem insurmountable, but you should not distress love. You will be okay. Your student loans will be more than your paycheck and you can’t figure out why your boss is a raging lunatic and you want to walk out the door, but don’t fret love. You will get through this.

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  • Love will hurt. You won’t end up with your childhood love, but that is a fairy tale. Life is different. You will fall in love, get married, live in NYC, have a baby, separate and divorce and you won’t even begin to scratch the surface on the issues you both had. Drink lots of wine and understand that this pathetic period of self-pity can only last for two weeks. You have bills to pay, a job to get to and a child to raise. He needs you. Yes, you will lose some friends, some respect for some people and money because everyone knows that divorce is costly, but you will get through it. Love hurts. You will need to remember what your mom said, “Ain’t no shame in starting over.” You can start over. You will start over. You will know your worth.

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  • You will become a mom. I know it is hard to believe that you will become a mother, but it is true. You will be 32 when you feel your beautiful son kick for the first time. He will be born the April after you turn 33. I know you never wanted children, but I promise you that he is awesome. He will bring more smiles than tears and more hugs than heartache. He is perfect. Perfect for you. He will restore your faith in men and you will have the opportunity to raise a beautiful man to become a wonderful husband to a woman someday. But, be careful sis. The war on our black boys takes center stage as your son is growing. He will be feared. He will be hated. He will be despised. He will be labeled. You have to stand up for him. You have to fight for him with all your might because you are the rib of man. You have to teach him how to love in spite of society’s attitudes. He will love you just for you being you.

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  • Forgiveness is free. You spend so much time carrying grudges and being mad at those that hurt you that it is literally like putting a band-aid on a wound that needs stitches. Look, you don’t have to ever forget those that hurt you. In fact, I encourage you not to. But, what you need to do is forgive yourself. Forgive yourself of the guilt that you carry because you hate what people have done to you. When you forgive those that have wronged you and when you forgive yourself of the guilt you carry you will realize that your burden seems lighter. You will know the true meaning of “thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” You will be comforted because of your faith and the Comforter hears your cries. He hasn’t forsaken you.

  • Take your time. There is no rush to decide what you want to be when you grow up. Allow yourself the opportunity to discover what makes you happy. Whether it is in law or human resources. You deserve to take your time trying to figure out what you want to do. I mean who really knows what they want to do at 18? You should try different things and just go with what you can make a living at. Remember like mom always says, “You have to be able to support yourself”. Trust me — you will.

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  • You are beautiful. You spend so much time hiding your true you that it is at the end of your marriage that you will truly shed your layers and become comfortable in your skin. This is a good thing. You are beautiful. Intimately created by the man up stairs and you know what? You should rock that short shift dress and show off those honey colored thighs. Your momma gave them to you. Don’t hide behind baggy jeans and big shirts. Love that awkward shaped nose and big arms. Your curves are gorgeous. They tell your story and yes you have a butt that others will try to emulate by taking injections. Keep your head up and rock the skinny jeans sis! You are beautiful.

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All in all, just remember where your help comes from. Don’t allow your pride to stop you from asking for help. Allow others to get close to you. Enjoy the ride baby girl because it will be bumpy!

Does it Matter?

That’s the question that I’m always asking when people tell me things that I don’t want to hear. Let me give you an example….

There is this particular gentleman that supposedly digs me and such. I dig him too. He’s handsome, smart, funny and very charming. We’ve gone back and forth with hanging out for almost a year and in his words…I keep breaking up with him.

I don’t really keep breaking up with him. I keep breaking off from his spidery tentacles that try to keep me entangled into a web of no-good. The web of being “random instead of specific”. I mean you can’t really break-up from someone who you’re not technically in a relationship with can you?

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Nope.

I didn’t think so. I’m random. Not specific. Not willing to compromise what I believe in for him. However, it is interesting to note that he actually called me to wish me a happy mother’s day. He sent a text too, but I was telling a girlfriend that he had called when I was out-of-town and she said, “You know that he cares about you right? You know that he values things that are important to you. He’s just a dummy for not wanting to commit to you.” I laughed and replied “Umm, okay. I think he cares about me, but does it matter?”

I explained that I know he cares about me and I care about him, but does it matter in the grand scheme of things? When two people want different things does it matter that they care about you? I care about the ozone layer, but it will never be a priority. You get my drift?

I think women spend too much time worrying about who cares about them and who doesn’t. I gave this man too much of my time by allowing myself to be spun on his web. I wanted to believe that if he would just stop and look he would see that I am absolutely worth it. But, I realized that it doesn’t matter.

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Why?

Because the man who is supposed to be with me won’t need to be convinced. He will actually know it, step up to the plate and walk away with the trophy (my heart) and tell everyone that he’s won. I’m not chasing a fly ball!

Be blessed loves!

Did He Just Ghost Me?

Okay, so many of you know by now what ghosting is. If you don’t, please check out this definition on Urban Dictionary:

The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

Well, I was wondering if Mr. A ghosted me. Let me tell you what happened. Mr. A and I had been talking for the last couple of months. Met a couple of times over coffee and just settled into a nice and friendly let’s get to know each other situation. Well, Mr. A just suddenly and out of nowhere stopped calling and texting me. I called a couple of times. Sent a couple of texts (okay 1) and got no response. Two weeks went by and I just suddenly walked away from the situation and deleted his contact information from the phone.fus_amsf_monitor_ghosting_tinder_center

I mentioned to my girlfriend how he just up and disappeared without no rhyme or reason and I was kind of shocked. I mean I thought we had great communication and the chemistry was cool so why would he just vanish on me? Not one to chase a man without knowing him, I backed off and kept it moving. Dating other men who seemed more emotionally stable.

Then I read this article talking about ghosting and realized that Mr. A probably ghosted me. Why? No idea. I was kind of bummed. More like pissed with a side of I want to set your pants on fire, but I got over it. I just exhaled, put my Left-eye ego in check and realized that it wasn’t me it was him. He was missing out on this fine, thick chocolate sister who is awesome. His loss!

So, I’m sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon, exhausted from the heat (munch had a soccer game earlier that day) when I get a text from Mr. A out of the blue. Now, I had no idea who it was texting me and acting like I know them but the funny thing about deleting someone the text history re-appears and you know who it is. Here’s a screen shot of the conversation:

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As you can see by my exchange, I’m kind of hot that he would be trying to rewind on me after ghosting with no explanation. Oh, I’m sorry, his explanation was that he was “very busy”. Heck, you are not that busy where by you can’t send a text that says “Got your messages. I’m really busy. Will touch base with  you soon”. But, he’s a man right? No real need to communicate with me woman after ghosting.

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So, after my “Oh okay. Well nice hearing from you” text response he actually picked up the phone to call. He wasn’t sorry about ghosting. He kept reiterating how busy he was and it wasn’t personal and he wasn’t ghosting me and trying to rewind. He then had the nerve to say that I could have called again. Really? I politely told Mr. A “Do it again and don’t bother calling me. You’re almost 48 and you know what is acceptable behavior. If not, I will show you”.

He’s asked me out next week when munch goes back. Apparently he likes my smart and sassy mouth. Too bad I’m washing my hair.

Until next time loves!