In a recent “girl talk” conversation some of my girlfriends and I have been tossing around the question “Why do men court you up until you have sex with them and then they stop? Stop trying to do things to make you smile. Stop doing the “little gestures” you found sweet. Stop the calling or texting. Stop dating you.
It all boils down to consistency. Men lack the desire to be consistent once they get the cookies.
consistency
or consistence [kuh n-sis-tuh n-see]
noun, plural consistencies.
steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.:
Example: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.
So, do you get it ladies? Some men aren’t smart enough to continue the same behavior that they did in order to get you. They are unable to stay the course and keep up the wooing. It takes too much effort. Blame it on a short attention span or the fact that they just weren’t that in to you or Venus in retrograde. Heck, I don’t know, but the truth of the matter is that men are inconsistent. They change their minds. It doesn’t matter when you give up the cookies immediately or make them wait 90 or more days the fact remains the same…men change after getting the cookies.
Now, I’m not a genius (okay, I’m pretty close) when it comes to dating, but I have to ask why would a man not keep the same behavior after getting the cookies? Is it that they believe that they are so desirable that you will just keep wanting them sexually or is it that they are sleeping with multiple women? Probably a little bit of both.
Truth hurts huh?
However, for those women who claim that they want to date and just have sex, bravo. Your body and your choice. But, what happens when you start off wanting that and somehow your feelings change? What do you do then? Do you enter into a friends with benefits situation or break it off and start over?
It depends. I’ve tried both situations at one point in my life and both situations proved to be emotionally draining. Why? Let’s take a look at both situations individually.
Friends with Benefits
For me a friend with benefits is first and foremost a friend. If you are my friend and you were stranded on the side of the road at 3 am would I come and get you? If you are my friend and you needed help to move, could you count on me? If you are my friend and you were hospitalized would I come and visit you?
If you don’t know the answer to those three questions, then here’s a hint…we’re probably not friends. #truth.
Why? Because friendships take time to nurture and develop. We do this by calling each other. Communicating about our daily lives, dreams or issues. We nurture that friendship by checking in, hanging out and just getting to know each other. If we do that, then you most likely know that I’m your friend and would be able to answer the above questions without hesitation.
The benefits piece of friend with benefits refers to the sexual aspect of the relationship. We really enjoy hanging out and talking on a regular basis that sex became a part of our relationship. We have no expectations of a relationship, but to continue nurturing our current one. We enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship in the bedroom and just like our situation.
Until it changes. One of us catches feelings. Happens a lot. I’m going to guess that in over 70% of the cases it happens. It happened to me. I caught feelings. I was falling hard for someone who I thought was my friend. We had great conversations, sex, enjoyed hanging out and there was so much laughter that I “knew” we would be great in a relationship. You get where I’m going with this right?
Nope, it didn’t work out like that. He liked the relationship as it was. He didn’t want a girlfriend or specifically me as his girlfriend. Thus I could either continue in the current situation or walk away. I chose the latter.
Break it Off and Move On
This is probably the best course of action if you want a relationship with someone and they don’t want a relationship with you. This is where I would say to identify your wants and needs up front before engaging in a sexual relationship under the guise that it will develop into something more.
Remember that it rarely does. Don’t fall for the “games” that men may play. Trust me, I’ve heard them all:
- I promise that I will respect you.
- We’re adults. We can do what we want.
- I really like you.
- I want to take our relationship to the next level.
Those are just a few that are used to seduce and then after the seduction occurs you’re left wondering why they’ve changed. Umm, it’s because they’ve gotten what they want. They have no use or desire to keep up the role of an interested suitor. They will give you lines such as:
- I’ve been busy which is why I haven’t called you in 3 weeks and calling you now for a sex session.
- Work is killing me.
- It’s football season and I got a lot going on.
- I haven’t changed. What are you talking about?
- I do call you. I just called you now.
- I do answer or return your messages
Yeah, he’s really not your friend sweetie. You’ve been played. Been there and done that. Made those same mistakes. Inconsistent men yield consistent results when dating. The foolishness will still be the same whether you’re 30 or 50. If you are in this situation and you want more, just break it off and move on. You deserve better.
Ah, the joys of dating!
A Thomas Point of View 
The sad thing is I don’t think I have met any men that aren’t like this. Either they don’t exist or I am doing something wrong.
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Me either. They all seem to be like this. It doesn’t matter the age or location. We are all experiencing the same frustrated behavior. I’m trying to come up with a solution on how we can combat this.
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It is nice to know that I am not the only one, however it is also really discouraging. I really hope you find a solution. I don’t want to believe that it is hopeless.
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You’ve been chosen as one of today’s nine blogs in That’s So Jacob’s Ninth Month Blog Challenge (http://www.thatssojacob.wordpress.com)! I challenge you to find nine blogs you find interesting and give them a comment to brighten their day…well, eight other blogs and mine 🙂 Copy this message in your comment and enjoy your new blog friends!
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Thank you. Will do.
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🙂
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Hey Queen! I like and respect your transparency and the topic in general. Just my 2cents worth of opinion; humans are inconsistent meaning females do the same maybe not as often but we do. I wil say this expectations are predetermined resentments so if you go into any relationship just let things flow. Yes, it’s difficult but possible. I feel that if you begin any situation with I just want to be friends with benefits no-one has room to then be mad at the other person. When you start off like that a persons mindset is not on change or the next level because the other has already said “..just friends with benefits”. So again, to expect anything different really is not the other persons fault. Think about this perspective; you tell a male that s a female all you want him for is to be friends with “benefits” and he is like ok cool I don’t have to worry about commitment and all she just wants to have sex. So, what reason does he have to respect the “more/exclusive relationship “? Also when does the disappearing acts start? After one expresses wanting more? If so, before then, there was a relationship there, one that someone started and defined before it took off.
Now, there are people, in this case men, who are very inconsistent and it’s because they have yet learned what they really want so they come across what feels right but not sure so they keep their options open but keep the “feel right” close,they hold on to feelings and emotions from previous relationships(so they still dabble in those). My thoughts were all over the place while reading this but I think I expressed everything lol.
My goal is never to change your perspective but to enhance the vision of your third eye! Much love, Pearl!
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Sheeeeeeeet, they’re inconsistent without ever even tasting the cookies. I’m mad you put up a picture of some cookies 🤣
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LMAO. You are so true.
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I hated the terms friends with benefits! Could never wrap myself in it because my thoughts of being with someone once the cookie is given or not given is very sacred(means my body/our is a temple)this has been going on for centuries now just that our parents and grandparents never looked at it that way. Me personally can’t deal with it and I’m leaving this right here great topic though.
SJM
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Thank you and I totally get it
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Thanks for checking out my blog, I appreciate you taking the time. I always appreciate comments and suggestions.
This particular post was very truthful and well written. I did think it threw all men under the bus unnecessarily. I would be very hesitant to make a blanket statement about all women.
Now I know I am ancient but I learned long ago to keep dating my wife after we were married and that was 38 years ago.
Now that I am retired I show my love for her by bringing her lunch or special treats unexpectedly during the day, almost every day she works. I make meals and we laugh and enjoy each other every day starting when we wake up. She is my best friend.
I wonder if it is a regional thing when men disrespect women or bad examples. My Mom passed two months ago and my Dad took great care of her all 60 years they were married. She spoke glowingly of him, and he demonstrated such a great example of father and husband. I watched him the last 5 weeks she was alive feeding her, and taking care of her. He was always like that, providing and protecting her. She was always proud of him.
I don’t know when men stopped putting their women on a pedestal but I suspect it was when women stopped putting men on one.
please feel welcome to visit my blog anytime, you inspire your reader to think.
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Thanks for commenting. It’s not about men putting women on a pedestal. I think that somewhere after I got married in 2002 and when I found myself divorcing and single in 2015 something changed. I am in my early 40’s and the men that I dated in high school, college and afterwards more of a gentleman than nowadays. The thing is that the men will tell you that they don’t have to be. See, the goal of getting sex has changed. Women are giving them sex without expecting good conversation or courtship. There is a shift in valuing relationships. I would say that it is a great majority of men in their 20’s to 50’s with this mentality. It’s not a generalization as much as a realization and even the “good men” who it doesn’t apply recognize that the majority of men don’t want courtship but sex without commitments and they can get it with no effort. I long for the days of men and women valuing the process of dating and working towards marriage. Trust me…many women want what you and your wife have and even what your parents have but things have changed drastically with dating and courtship.
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A friend who went back into the dating “scene” after his divorce told me it was much different now. Thank you for your perspective
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I just came across this old post. So good!! Thanks for sharing, Tikeetha! I miss reading your content (even if it’s old).
Friends with benefit is definitely not a good idea. My advice to people is to someone who wants to invest in you and actually commit (unless they just want to hook up).
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Exactly. It’s easy to fall in that situation but I really want us to focus on what we want and not settle because a man wants a friends with benefits situation.
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