Sunday night I was having dinner and drinks at my girlfriend’s bar with some of her friends. The conversation turned (as it usually does) to the state of relationships and what black women want. Inevitably, it became a conversation against men and women. Why does that always happen?
Here’s what happened next…I said that I wouldn’t date a man who made less than $10,000 than me. Of course the men got upset and said really? Why are you putting restrictions and standards on men like that? I was floored. Really? I said if I make $100,000 a year and he makes $40,000 he becomes a dependent. How can a man afford to date me making $60,000 less than me? The wage gap is huge?
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not all about money but men want to say that they want a woman who will believe in them and support their dreams and such and then they want me to not have expectations for what I want. Never mind that they do. One man even questioned my values by saying, “What if he makes $40,000 now and two years later he’s making $200,000. Would he be more attractive to you?” I said, “Man, you don’t know me. I wouldn’t sweat a man over his pockets.” In other words, his money doesn’t matter. If that was the situation, I would ask him to come and speak to the children I’m mentoring about how he was able to turn his income in less than two years. Give something back to the community.
That turn in favor wouldn’t make me want to date him. In other words, there is a reason why we didn’t work out anyway. What is really frustrating is that men tend to believe that black women have too many standards? So, you can have standards but I can’t? I posed the question to the group of men and said, “So, my requirement on income is problematic but you can choose not to date me because I’m plus-sized?” Really? Who the hell is shallow now?
No response. Crickets right? Because everyone has standards and there is nothing wrong with that. I don’t care if a man isn’t interested in dating a thick sister like me. Oh well! Your loss. I don’t care. I don’t hate. Your choice.
But, you can judge me for mine? Get out of here with that double standards. Why criticize me for having standards? Are you preaching to yourself or all those men that don’t want to date thick women? Nope.
In my Facebook scroll, I ran across this post of one of the bloggers I follow at Bougie Black Girl and I think she captured it right on the head. Read below:
It’s these men that are really troubling. Not men who could care less about what you have or who you are. But, everyone has standards. There is nothing wrong with that. I am not looking for PERFECTION – I’m looking for a PARTNER. The definition of partnership is:
I want a partnership in the truest form. It is financially draining on a relationship when one person is the financial breadwinner. This applies to both men and women. Especially when you both have young children. You think my number is too unrealistic? Right, talk to some of my friends who make about $50,000 and have already struggled in a relationship with a spouse who makes less than $30,000. No one wants to struggle in their 40’s.
Ah, the joys of dating!