2016 advice dating love marriage relationships

Fairy Tales

Tikeetha TMby
46 Comments on Fairy Tales

I can remember stories, those things my mother said
She told me fairy tales, before I went to bed
She spoke of happy endings, then tucked me in real tight
She turned my night light on, and kissed my face good night
My mind would fill with visions, of perfect paradise
She told me everything, she said he’d be so nice
He’d ride up on his horse and, take me away one night
I’d be so happy with him, we’d ride clean out of sight
She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie
She never said that maybe, someday he’d say goodbye

The story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise – or fairy tales

-Anita Baker Fairy Tales

I think a lot of women grow up believing in Fairy Tales. Not just the Disney one’s but the ones our friends, family and society try to weave for us. You know that fairy tale that love is all about roses, horses and being saved by your prince. Love is Perfection. Love and marriage = happy endings.

Well, if you’ve discovered my blog, you know that I don’t believe that. I’m here to tell you the truth…life just doesn’t work that way. There is no perfect person. No perfect ending. No fairy tale for you to believe in. Relationships take work. A lot of hard work and determination to put forth your best effort.

Many of us don’t put forth our best effort. We may say we do, but in reality we are selfish in relationships. We do what we want and say what we want and still expect the other person to just deal with it.  Sound familiar to any of you?

I love Anita Baker and when I was going through a painful period in my divorce this song would be on replay. These words spoke to the state of where my mind was:  She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie. Dang. I felt that. I couldn’t understand how we got to that point. The point where it all fell apart and I sat looking at the broken pieces of glass on the floor and seeing my soul reflected in them.

That was some painful sh*t. I had to realize that the dream of marriage wasn’t what it was cut out to be. It was a lot more than just parties, great sex and travel. It was two people trying to make something work that they had no idea about. We couldn’t both be selfish.

We had our first big argument on our honeymoon. I thought it was a sign. Who the hell argues on their honeymoon? I cried. I felt alone. I wanted an annulment. Yes, I was acting like a spoiled brat but I was believing in fairy tales. When did you ever see the Prince yelling at Cinderella?

That disillusioned followed me through my marriage. He was not my prince saving me. He was the boogeyman. I was putting my own irrational restrictions on him. I didn’t need saving. It wasn’t his job to save me. I was imagining him being something that he wasn’t. But, here’s the kicker…I didn’t even tell him that I had all these unrealistic expectations of him.

I expected him to know what he should be. Now, we all know that men say that they aren’t mind readers, yet here I was trying to make this man read my mind. I wanted him to guess the role he was supposed to play and just play the dang role. I didn’t want the man that he was, but the one who would slay dragons and make everything better for me. I would be unhappy and wonder when would my prince arrive? Why wasn’t he here? When would he show up. He never did.

LOL. I told ya’ll I was tripping, right? I was disillusioned.  But, it’s true. I own my part in my own unhappiness.

So, what I’ve learned is that I had to change my mindset. Think about who I am and what I bring to the table. Take that and decide what I wanted. Do a needs assessment. Stop believing in fairy tales and figure out me.

Stop looking for someone to rescue me and look for someone who would be loyal. Someone who would support my dreams and make me believe that even after we argue that we will still love and respect one another. Someone who wouldn’t curse me out or lie to me. Someone who would see this flawed woman standing before him and love each and every scar. Someone who I could do the same with.

There’s no fairy tale when you make your expectations known and attainable. It’s no fairy tale when you truly just want a wonderful human being to love you just as you are. If that happens, trust me you can make magic.

46 comments

  1. Oh how I love this. The path to figuring any of this out is so blurred. We barely know ourselves before we are supposed to start looking for the other parts of us.

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      1. That type of discernment is a gift of the soul. Finding it is like chasing rainbows but the fact that youre trying speaks volumes.

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  5. Isn’t growing up fun? We’ve all got to do it, kicking and screaming all the way for some of us. But ultimately, it’s nice to find that comfy space in our life experiences, without which, we never would have grown up at all.

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  7. Wow! This is real talk right here! No relationship is ever perfect and they all need work. It may all be perfect at first but it won’t be forever. It’s basically what you’re willing to put up with and compromise with.

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    1. Absolutely! We don’t spend enough talking time talking about what we’re willing to put up with. It takes work and some of us aren’t cut out for it. I know I wasn’t in my twenties.

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  8. Sigh. So true. We know so little when it comes to marriage oftentimes. Some people figure it out and some of us it takes a failed relationship or marriage to finally get it.
    If I only knew in my twenties what I know now, I would’ve made different decisions. So many things don’t matter. But like any job or skill, it takes experience and effort to get it right. I’d like to think that the failures and hard work will pay off for the right future.
    You’ve got the right vision and sounds like you won’t ever settle again. I know I sure as hell will never settle down (nor put my kids through this) again without making very careful and well thought out choices!

    xo

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  9. Marriage is real work. Not a stroll in the park and not for the faint hearted. Anyone who goes in with rose coloured spectacles of perfection and what not will receive the shock of their lifetime. No one can complete another. They can complement and that’s about it.

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  10. First…that was one of my favorite songs. I would put it on repeat and sing my little young, clueless heart out. But reading this brought back so many memories of the young friend who DID in fact believe in those fairy tales and dreamt of the beautiful home she would have (right next door to her best friend) surrounded by the white picket fence and the swing on the porch that she would rock in as she watched her children play in the yard in their very own bubble (literally). I think I looked at you strange then. Loved you no less, but thought “this chick is living in Lala Land.” Life throws us curve balls and we find ourselves in places and situations with things and people we never imagined we’d be. I am to have been a part of your journey and your growth as I’ve stated before. I see great things in your future and I see the work God is doing in your life. You give me hope for a brighter day, tough love when I nneed but don’t want it, and encouragement always. Love you chica.💋

    P.s. You’ve found you Prince, and the fairy tale you once dreamt will be your modem day reality. #Patience

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  12. I listen to Anita Baker a lot! When I get married our first dance just might be to one of her songs, but I’m open to him picking! Lol. As far as relationships being a lot of work – the real work we need to do is become aligned with our true selves and realize that it’s no one’s job to make us happy but our own. Also to let our partner’s primary relationship be the one they have with themselves, and not us. Ego gets in the way sometimes, but we can practice – and let go of limiting beliefs that no longer serve us.

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  13. Oh, and fairytales, daydreams, etc are good things! You have to envision before you can have it. A lot of times when we get what we ask for, we just can’t keep up with it and we sabotage things. Did I just mention my first dance at my wedding and my ideal relationship where my partner and I give each other room to evolve? I’ll have that.

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    1. Agreed. There is nothing wrong with dreaming and speaking life into your dreams. The problem comes in when we try to put unrealistic expectations on someone. We have to accept people for who they are. A lot of us don’t. We accept good enough and think he’ll change or she’ll change and then we’re mad and disappointed when they don’t. We need to know who we are, what we want and what we need prior to getting married. I didn’t know that the first time. Lesson learned in my 40’s.

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      1. I agree, that’s what happens most often with expectations. NO ONE can ever live up to the version of them and the relationship we create in our minds. What I’ve learned, that changed my outlook, is to focus on the best in my mate. Instead of amplifying the 1% of his character traits that annoys me, focus on the 99% that is just right. He’s everything I ever asked for. And if he ever changed for me – because I put pressure on him, it just wouldn’t work. So yes, acceptance.

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      3. LOL. Maybe in the future! If you only knew the process of Self-discovery I went through to learn all this. Relationship breakdowns are Always more about you than the other person. Because you’re the only person you can control.

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      4. See that right there —> Relationship breakdowns are Always more about you than the other person. Because you’re the only person you can control. – is why you should teach a class. That right there is the truth.

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      9. I love this. Wow! I wish I had known earlier. I can’t swing the $220 plus expenses for staying in NYC after the move and my son’s party. If you go, please write a post about it. I would love to know what happened.

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      10. Oh, after your Valentines day post, I thought you lived in NYC. It was about $40 cheaper with a discount code, but still pricey. I contemplated not going because of the price, but figured it might be a valuable experience. I’ll write about it for sure!

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  14. “When did you ever see the Prince yelling at Cinderella?”

    “He was not my prince saving me. He was the boogeyman.”

    Girl stop!!! You had me rollin! I love this blog! I’ve learned through the great teaching of my pastors and family that marriage is no walk in the park. And that it’s one of the hardest things in life. So I’m grateful to have some insight before I take that leap; however it also makes me semi-terrified. And I think with the last guy I was dating I acted in some self sabotaging ways because of this…..Oh I feel a blog coming on! lol

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    1. LOL. Thanks for reading. It’s true. Until I had to own what I was doing I wasn’t going to be able to find love again. Whew, I used to be a self-sabotaging queen. I’ve learned to just be up front and honest about my questions and fears so that I don’t create a whole story in my head with the characters and how it will turn out. I’m actually pretty good at that too. LOL.

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