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Real Talk: Child Support Drama

Tikeetha TMby
23 Comments on Real Talk: Child Support Drama

Can we get real for a second? I wrote last week about how we choose men and then consider them unfit to be more than a weekend dad and now I want to talk about the child support drama. Now, before going off on me, please read the entire post.

Okay, do I believe in child support? Yes, I do. We can’t raise children on purely love, hugs and kisses. It takes finances to be able to raise children. In other words, you paid to play, you paid to lay and now you have to pay to raise.

Simple truth.

For the Ladies…

Some women (if it doesn’t apply to you stop getting mad) use child support as a weapon against their child’s father. They in turn use that support for things that have nothing to do with the child. Is that fair? No.

It takes two parents to raise a child. If you are a woman and your children are school age you need to get a job. You need to provide financial support for your children as well. You need to be able to raise your children financially. We can’t assume that the other parent has to do it all. He shouldn’t have to.

Neither should you. But, you need to be working. Let’s be honest…it takes more than one income to raise children from infancy through college. You need to be a productive member of society showing your children that you worked hard to provide for them.

For the Men…

It is never acceptable for you to go off and make a new life and not support your children. Children have needs and expenses that require both parents to participate in. Nope, I’m not asking you to pay my rent, mortgage, utilities or car note. I’m asking you to help with the expenses of health, dental, vision and schooling including activities.

You can’t be a every other weekend dad and just take care of your child 4 days out of 30 or 31. What the hell is wrong with you? Who is supposed to do it the rest of the time? Your children have expenses and is the mother of your child supposed to figure it out?

I remember hearing my mother beg my father to support us (it was 3 of us) once a year. She said “My two hardest times are when school starts and Christmas. If you take one of those events I will support them the rest of the year on my own.” You know what he said? No.

My Story…

I’ve had men tell me that I’m a good woman because when I asked for a divorce I said we could have joint custody. No child support. That doesn’t make me a good woman. I did it because I believed that we could both support our child without having the courts interfere.

But, here’s a piece of information that I found out when going through a divorce…Child support looks at both incomes. My lawyer told me that because I made substantially more than my ex-husband that I would have to pay him $497 a month to keep his son 50% of the time. Say what now?

Yes, I couldn’t believe it. She asked, “Why did you marry someone who wasn’t in your tax bracket?” I was stunned. I responded “We dated in our mid-twenties. It wasn’t that big of a deal when we were younger. He likes working in the non-profit field. They don’t pay as much. I didn’t care. I wanted him to work wherever he’s happy.” She said, “Well, now you could pay for it.” I responded, “No, I will never pay a man to keep his child 50% of the time. I still have bills and expenses including trying to save for college. I can’t afford that. I’ll file for sole custody before I pay child support.”

I went on talking and explaining my expenses for my son that I pay for without ever asking for financial reimbursement from his dad. I told her that I keep him on my health insurance because I do this for a living and would never have him on a plan that wasn’t phenomenal. I told her that in the beginning of the divorce, I actually divided and shared my son’s clothes so his dad could slowly rebuild. Anything that benefited my son I was doing. She added those numbers in and had it down to $10 a month.

But, what about me? Was I wrong in my thinking? I mean after hearing that I would have to pay my ex-husband child support to take care of our son half the time I was willing to change the circumstances of what I had initially agreed to. Was it fair? In my mind I believed that to be the case which is why I called him.

I told him what my lawyer said. I told him that “In the interest of being fair, I just found out that I would have to pay you $497 a month to keep your son 50% of the time in child support.” I said, “I’m not going to do it. I will never pay someone child support to keep their child 50% of the time knowing that I do a lot that I’ve never asked for reimbursement for anything I’ve paid for. I’m also saving for his college fund. I will file for sole custody with a visitation schedule if you want child support.”

Yep, I was kinda rude. I own it. But, he was understanding and he knew that I would have to pay him support but agreed to not take anything from me. That doesn’t make me a good woman because I didn’t take him to court for child support. I understood the differences in our income and knew that my son’s father does support his son. He may not do it at the level I do financially, but that is okay because I make more.

Finally…

Parents need to support their children. It takes two parents and we’ve got to make sure that we are not using our children as pawns or paychecks. I know that I don’t. I just ask that you consider not doing it either.

We need to support our children. Not by yourself but as an equal partner. You see that word? Partner. It’s the same letters as in Parent. Co-parent.

23 comments

    1. I think they are both important. I just think we need to be real about raising our children. I chose not to take my son’s father to court or press him about money because he’s not popping bottles. He’s working hard and his income is less. So, he spends his money on the necessity for our son instead of the extras (activities) because he can’t afford them. That being said, I want my son to take lessons then I pay for it. I don’t ask for reimbursement. If he can help great, if not, no worries. I still want my son to do it. However, I am constantly telling him we need to communicate. Primarily because if his income changes then I need to know if I may have to cover what he does pay by myself. It means that we really have to be invested in this co-parenting thing.

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  4. It’s great you two can maintain such an effective partnership. The money seems to make or break things for a lot of parents. I know a kid whose Dad only takes him to avoid paying child support. The Dad keeps him long enough to drop him at Grandma’s then goes on with his life. It makes for an awkward situation. I watch the woman try to co-parent with her ex’s Mom. I wouldn’t wish anyone into that situation.

    I think what you two have worked out is about as close to perfect as it gets. Your child is fortunate to have both of you. I can tell he’s loved all around. As long as you both keep working together in the best interest of your son you’ll come to the right decision no matter what it is.

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  6. This posts rocks! God I wish you were my ex-wife! I mean that in the friendly non creepiest way possible LOL. I’m surprised the Bar Association hasn’t tried to shut your site down. You speak of common sense, lawyers will have none of that!

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  7. This is so enlightening Queen Sis! I can’t relate completely, but I can attest to despising Child Support Drama! It’s very unfair to the child, because who wants to feel as if they are a burden, but to no fault of their own!?
    “I understood the differences in our income and knew that my son’s father does support his son. He may not do it at the level I do financially, but that is okay because I make more.” <–Eh! this needs to be a PSA, a billboard, idk anything… too many females I know feel financial support is the only support a child requires! and then some are just plain ole' gold diggers as you alluded to in the beginning.

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    1. Yes, Lord and we all need to take care of our children. In most cases, these men are not popping bottles. They are hardworking and making a decent salary and taking care of their children. Not just ignoring them.

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  8. A lot of food for thought….. I guess the phrase that impressed me most was “we’ve got to make sure that we are not using our children as pawns or paychecks”. I see it happen a lot around me. Not so much financially (meaning I do not know about it, because I do not know those families’ financial situations), but emotionally. Children moved around like pawns on a chess board, to enable the parents to “get even” with each other. So not fair. They can bicker as much as they want to, but they should not use the children for it.

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    1. Yes. We have to make sure that our children know that at the end of the day that they have two parents that love them and want the best for them. Despite whether or not we can get along.

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  10. I never knew that if you made more that you could wind up paying more in the long run and I actually think you handled that quite well because hearing that must have been very stressful to you but I am glad that the two of you co-parent so well. There are so many people that do use the child or children as a pawn like you said I have witnessed this first hand and really when that happens the child is no longer the focus…the two of you sound like relaly great parents! Blessings!

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    1. Girl, yes. I was shocked too. I didn’t want anything, but to think I would have to pay was some fragalenackle BS. LOL. We weren’t always co-parenting at first. He had a lot of anger towards me, but he’s actually been nicer since the divorce was official in March and I have full custody. I think he realizes that I’m not his enemy and we need to do right by our son. It’s been beautiful because now we partner as parents. I’ve always included him on everything, but I would send an email instead of calling because he was so vicious with his tongue towards me. But, now my son seems less stressed because we get a long. I’m thankful to God for allowing us to look at our son as the blessing he is and not use him as a pawn.

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  11. Excellent post, well-written and so very true! I could not agree more with your point of view!
    I think the subject who called you a good woman for not pursuing support etc (though I understood what you meant) is just that it is so far from the status quo.
    At any rate, just wanted to say Thank you for sharing your story and point of view! It was refreshing…

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