To stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to take things to the next level? I often wonder what makes women stay in relationships for years with men that never marry them. What is it about that man that makes you stay, love, take care of, share and have children with that makes you accept that he doesn’t want to marry you?
Marriage is not for everyone. Trust me. I know. But, if you want to get married, why do you settle for a life that is not what you really want? For love? For comfort? For security?
I’m an advocate for truth. Living your truth. Whatever that may be. You are the only one that can control your destiny and your happiness.
I met a gentleman in his 30’s who told me that he’s been living and dating his girlfriend for the last 10 years. They are not married. They have a 4 year old son. He said “Marriage isn’t everything. I have her on my life insurance policy.”
I paused mid-drink to educate my young friend on the fact that he is not owning or living in his truth. I said, “Sweetie, why are you wasting that young woman’s life? You don’t want to marry her. She is not “the one” that you can imagine living the rest of your life with. She’s not bad. She has no notable flaws that will make you leave her. She’s enough. But, you want more than enough. So, you’re stringing her along until you meet the one because she is accepting it.”
He listened as I continued to say that “A man knows the woman he wants. He knows the one his heart yearns for and he will do whatever it takes to make her his. He doesn’t half-step. A man commits. A man sees, loves and claims that woman as his wife. To carry his last name and bear his dynasty.” He stared at me as I said, “She’s not that one for you. Let her go. Don’t waste her time if you are not the man for her and she’s not the one for you. Don’t be selfish. There’s honor among living in the truth.”
He swallowed his drink and smiled. I said, “Watch, if you two break up you’re the same one who will get married a year after meeting another woman. Your son’s mother will hurt because she can’t understand why. She won’t be able to accept that it wasn’t her. She could have accepted it after year 3. But, she stayed. She prayed. She believed.”
We said our good-byes and I sat back wondering when will women start taking control of their own lives. Why do we allow someone to string us along hoping that he will commit? That he will want to spend the rest of his life with us because that’s all we want. The power is yours. You decide what’s best for you.
Even if it means walking away.
A Thomas Point of View 
This is the truth. This is what I believe , as well.
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I often wonder too why a person will be with someone for as much as 3,4,5 years without any commitment, how much more ten years…they don’t need a big ceremony, jeez…true marriage is not everything, its just paper and the fact remains it doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. However it does feel good knowing you have committed to spend the rest of your life with someone because they are special to you.
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But, it’s more than paper. The girlfriend has no rights. She is not the wife. The law provides for the wife not the girlfriend. So, she is just hoping that he will choose to marry her someday. He won’t. She deserves better, but she has to know it.
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Perhaps it is. In my part of the world, not so much.
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He might deserve better too. Lol. But might be a bit smarter in putting his own needs first.
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He may. I totally get it. I told him he has to live in his truth.
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Wise words. I have many guy friends who have told me they know they don’t want to marry their girlfriend but they don’t want to hurt her so they aren’t going to break up with her. I want to smack some sense into them when they say that.
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That’s ridiculous. They are not living their truth and more importantly, neither is the girl. She’ll pray and probably get pregnant thinking that will help him commit instead of finding the love she deserves. We need to stop letting men decide our fate.
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Oh lord. She’ll get pregnant now? Lol. Some try that.
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Great post Sis!
All I can say is that I hope that he listened to you and either marries her or moves on. Clearly, she is either:
1. Good with the situation as it is.
2. Allowing him to be in the driver’s seat of her life.
3. Not ‘capable’ of leaving for whatever reason (finances, emotions, living in fantasyland of it’s gonna get better…etc….)
Chile, seriously, I wish you could have talked to her because, chances are, he is going to do what works for HIM whether it’s good for her or not.
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Yes, I wish she was there because she needed some advice. She can’t be good with the situation as it is. She wouldn’t be living with him and bring children into the world creating a faux family if she was cool with it. I told him that if he died tomorrow his mother could come in and put her out the house and bury her child and say she was nothing but his girlfriend and is that fair to her? People don’t think about what could happen. They just think it won’t.
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And maybe she’s content and doesn’t have a real desire to get married. Creating a “faux family?” Wow
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Maybe. But most women who meet men in their late teens, early 20’s don’t stay with a man for 10 years and have a child with no intention of being married. He never once said she doesn’t want to get married.
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Find some of these women and interview them. I met a man when I was 19, stayed with him almost a decade and never wanted to get married to him. I don’t think we seriously discussed it. I think this post takes a very judgemental tone.
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I’m not judging anyone. I said marriage is not for everyone. He’s 35. She wants to get married. Not everyone does. But, he never said that she doesn’t. Am I judging people who don’t get married? Heck no. Your choice, my point was to stop wasting her time if she wants to get married and you don’t want to marry her. She deserves to find someone that wants what she wants.
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He just smiled. Wow. You spit the truth and he smiles. Men know what they want and they actively hunt what they want. 10 years is crazy. She allows it. Sad but I love that you called him out.
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Yes, he just smiled girl! I knew then that what I was saying was true. He was not living his truth and neither was she. She’s not truly happy. Women don’t bring children in this world, build homes and then not want to marry the man that they are creating families with. We just allow him to determine what is happening whether we agree or not because we are afraid to be alone. Being alone will allow you time to focus on you and attract the man that you deserve.
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That is exactly it. We fear being alone as if it is some curse to women. That being alone equates to being undesirable by men. Society has it configured that way. I think it’s important to spend time alone to learn who you are and like you said that will in turn attract the right man.
Curious to know how long he will be selfish and drag her along until he finds his one while she prays for him. 😦
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Yes, we need to love our single selves first and be okay with it.
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So true. You know what I find? That even when you know you’ve been with someone for years and they won’t commit or truly love you in the way you deserve, they end up leaving you or cheating on you. Because they meet someone that makes them feel alive and fills those voids you never could. So you have to deal with the feelings of always having felt insecure about the relationship and then rejection/abandonment. Better to listen to your gut and leave when you know it’s not the right relationship for you.
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Absolutely. My girlfriend said something once, “You can choose to hurt now or hurt later. Which do you prefer?” That really shaped my mindset about love and relationships. Was I going to spend time trying to make someone love me the way I deserved or accept that he’s not the one I want or deserve? We have to live our own truths. She can’t realize that, but hopefully he will.
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Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant !!!
Funny, I know of a couple, similar situation, the guy would not commit, they lived together for close on eight years, she wanted the marriage, the babies, he once let it slip he wanted a family someday…but he still refused to commit, she stayed on…Last year they broke up, she devastated, only to discover he had met someone else already, a month later the new girlfriend falls pregnant ! Still not married but they have a child together now.
Us woman have to take control of our own lives, we cannot allow the man to control us. It just shows that ‘we are the weaker sex in some ways’ and we should not be, we are not!
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Yes, we have to stop accepting what we get and teach people how to treat you. We have to set boundaries and stick to them. Even if it means walking away. That man may love you but you are not the one he wants to marry and you need to be okay with it. The time spent denying it doesn’t allow you to find the love that is meant for you.
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This was an excellent post very insightful. I tend wonder some of the same questions.
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Thank you.
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I think a good rule of thumb is 3 years. If you haven’t gone to the next level by then you should start questioning why you are in the relationship. Then again more and more folks are forgoing marriage in favor of other arrangements.
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Yes, great point. Totally agree.
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I think much of it has to do with perception. I notice many women take on a “wasted time” outlook on relationships and want to “hold on” to not waste that time.
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True. I think the situation falls at her feet for believing that she can change him. I think women should always do what’s best for them. Just like men. You have to own your truth. Women just don’t lay down with men and have children and live with them without wanting marriage. But, if you let him know that you are excepting less then that’s what you’ll get. You have to teach people how to treat you. In their case though they have a child and it is never wasted time when you bring life into the world. Good, bad or indifferent the children show that God’s work was in it and that means it was never a waste.
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I never liked men who are wasting woman’s time. If he doesn’t want to get marry, why is with her, have children and live with her? Sounds selfish. He doesn’t want to take last step and later he could leave her because of another woman. She has right to be angry. On my opinion, she must ask him to commit and if answer is no, then leave. But even now, damage is done.
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Totally agree. It really is up to her to set the boundaries for her life, but she’s allowing him to do it. It doesn’t take 10 years to know if someone is marriage material when you’re in your mid-20’s. I would have given them credit if they met in high school and were in their early 20’s. That’s not the case though.
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It’s not him, per se. If they weren’t a match on a large level (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc) they wouldn’t be together. The only way you attract a partner and stay together long is if you match on certain levels. If she’s miserable, he’s miserable. If she feels he’s taking advantage, she should look at herself and see why that is (what kind of beliefs does she have about herself that keeps her from expanding her thinking/life?)… To answer the question, there’s no such thing as too long. When one or both of them decide to expand (and that doesn’t mean just leave), it will be the perfect time.
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No, it’s both of them. Mainly her. But, I had him in my presence and he brought up the topic so I felt it was important to share some wisdom. He knows that he doesn’t want to marry her so why are you stringing her along. It’s interesting, but all I can do is offer up words and prayers for them all.
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Was this unsolicited advice? I piggybacked off this post today.
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Maybe. He came over to where me and my friends were sitting with his friend and brought up the conversation that went down at a bbq a couple of weeks ago. My girlfriend gave the back story in which one of their friends was sitting there with his girlfriend and they have 2 kids, own a business and a house and they are not married. She said she asked the girl why? The girl couldn’t give a good response. The gentleman sitting next to me said “Maybe she’s happy.” My girlfriend said, “Not at all because she approached me without her man and told me what’s up.” He responded, “Thank God my girl wasn’t there because we’ve been together for 10 years.” So was it unsolicited? Nope. Sit at my table and bring up some ish then I will give my advice. Whether he takes it or not is his choice, but was it not just conversation?
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