Test

I am in love.

A beautiful and endearing love.

A love that warms me and supports me.

He is a beautiful man.

He laughs at my awkward jokes.

He encourages my dreams.

He looks at me as though I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

We are inseparable

Our bond?

Unbreakable.

Love unites us

Our passion excites us

We are one.

Until another

My ex

Showed up

Missing me

Looking all sweet and sexy

Smiling and talking the things I love to hear

My heart pounding rapidly

I laugh

A deep throaty laugh

Umm, he still smells good

That scent intoxicates me

He kisses my neck

Oh, how I love that spot

His tongue flickers across my skin

I moan

Damn

This man is so fine

Memories of sex so powerful I begin to weaken

I can’t

I-C-A-N-T

I push him away

STOP

This is a test

You’re testing me

You don’t want me

You want to destroy the love he has for me

To make me fall for broken promises and bullshit

No

I don’t want you.

I want him.

He is mine.

I am his.

This concludes the test.

Did I fail?

 

 

This piece was written as part of the Daily Post. The word was test.

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Freedom Friday – 9/30/16

Hey Folks!

This is the last Friday of the month and it it’s Freedom Friday. So, I am sharing some photos to my phone and sharing a little bit about me with my new followers. Which has increased more than 5% the last week.

Thanks to all those that followmy blog, reblog, interact and share my material. You are the reason for this growth and I say thank you. Whether you are a new follower or an old follower, I truly value each and everyone of you. I’m so thankful.

Some things about me…

  • I’m a Capricorn or at least I was until I discovered that there are actually 13 zodiac signs instead of 12 and 86% of the people were born under the wrong sign. Go figure. Apparently now I’m a Sagittarius. I’m gonna pass on that one. The real schedule looks like this.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11

Pisces: March 11 – April 18

Aries: April 18 – May 13

Taurus: May 13 – June 21

Gemini: June 21 – July 20

Cancer: July 20 – Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10 – Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16 – Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30 – Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23 – Nov. 29

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 – Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17 – Jan 20

  • I usually try and take blogging breaks on the weekends. I do. Sometimes I fail at it, but the weekends I try to reserve for my family and friends. I try to be engaged in the moment so I really don’t read on the weekends. This means Monday through Wednesday I will be catching up on a lot of posts. Don’t be surprised when you get multiple likes in a day. I’m playing catch-up.
  • I love being a mommy. Even when it is stressful and I wonder was I cut out for this, there are moments that being Munch’s mom makes me feel like I’m still winning.
  • I struggle with co-parenting. Yes, it’s true. I struggle to find a balance on what is in the best interest of my son. I do a lot of self-analyzing (probably more than my ex) but I always want to make sure that I’m not doing anything out of spite. I will share with you the good, bad and the ugly. When his dad and I are in alignment it’s good. When we’re not…who knows?
  • If you find me on Facebook and want to send me a Friend Request, please make sure that you send me a message if I don’t know who you are. I get so many friend requests from folks that I have no idea who they are. If we’ve corresponded on our blogs, then make sure you say that. Otherwise, I will think you weird and creepy and I will decline it.
  • I LOVE the fall. This is the best time of the year for me and you will see me attending all kinds of events with Munch. Pumpkin patches and apple picking. We also have a wedding in October and I can’t wait.
  • I take A LOT of selfies. Why? Because I struggle with body self-esteem issues and I think it’s important to take photos of yourself that you love. You should always want to capture yourself in the best possible light. If I were to die tomorrow, trust me when I say that my mom will hopefully pick some great photos for my funeral program. I’m giving her options. LOL!

Here are some recent flicks from my camera:

Munch and My Dad – Labor Day 2016
Me and Munch at our family picnic
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My Munch on Rice Park
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Munch swimming at the hotel pool
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Munch, my niece and I at the fair
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Mr. C had a birthday last week and I took him out to celebrate
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Me looking cute at Mr. C’s birthday dinner
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Me and my sister girl hanging out at dinner this week

The Masks We Wear – Part 2

This post is a continuation from yesterday’s post.

I was failing in my marriage. I was doing it all and creating an illusion that women who are married are supposed to do it all. Why? Because that is what I thought. That is what my other girlfriends were doing. I didn’t know.

I began to do everything I could think of to benefit my marriage. Thinking that if I pleased him then I would make him happy. But at what cost?  I was dying inside. Slowly. No one knew. I was enduring the “fakeness” of my perfect life.

Let me give you an example…

Every year I would send beautiful custom Christmas cards to family and friends. One year I had been working exceptionally long hours. I was exhausted. I didn’t want to send Christmas cards that year. I didn’t have the time. I literally signed each card. I told my husband that I didn’t want to send the cards and he said okay.

He comes back on December 20th saying “I think we should send Christmas cards this year. I mean we’re getting a lot and I think it would be nice.” I sighed. I got on-line and ordered the cards. I paid a crap load of money in shipping and got the cards out. I know you may be asking “Why?”

It was simple…he asked me too. I looked at it as though it was my responsibility as his wife to do what he’s asking. He didn’t ask for much. Why couldn’t I do it? In retrospect, I should have definitely said no. I should have explained the reasons and informed him that he was able to do it. But again…I was wearing a mask.

This mask wearing became one of the hardest things that I had to do. But, I took it off at the moment that I knew I didn’t want to be married anymore. He didn’t know me. I didn’t know him. I can’t blame him for everything because I created an image that wasn’t me and I was asking him to accept and love that person.

The next couple of years were about my self discovery. Loving and living in my new identity. The true me. I still wore a mask. Not in relationships. At work (most people do) and at professional gatherings only. I began to date with a clear understanding of who I am and what I want.

What did I find? Someone who could see me. Someone who could truly see when I left that mask on from work and tell me to take it off. Someone who could tell by the glint in my eyes that I was really excited about something or by the change in the tone in my voice if I was bothered by something.

I wanted someone who could see the real me. The me with the mask off and see all the imperfections and flaws and love that woman. I wanted to be loved for my yes and my no’s. My good days and my bad days and all the days in between. I no longer wanted to try and be perfect.

I just wanted to be better. And you know what? I am.

Disagree

We agreed to disagree.

That’s what it was.

A continuous back and forth

An exchange of ideas, theories or beliefs.

Some we could agree on and others we couldn’t.

So, we agreed to disagree.

It was beautiful.

We existed in this state of bliss.

Two minds united in a desire to be selfless

To be aware of each other’s needs

To not argue

To not curse

To not fight

Disagree

There were only a few things to disagree on

Some stemmed from my insecurity

My fear

of a man being unfaithful

He would assure me that he wouldn’t cheat

Our love was special

It was the blood pumping through his heart

It gave him life

I gave in

I sighed

His love

His love was comforting

Like the rays of the sun beating on my skin

I trusted it to tan me

To not burn me

But, he did

He burned me

He let her walk into our lives

She sashayed her hips promising him good times

He drunk of her perfume

And nibbled at her core

He was unfaithful

His bond was coursing through her womb

He loved me he said

I will always disagree

He doesn’t know love

He knows lies

He knows her

He doesn’t know me

 

 

This post was inspired by the Daily Post. The word today was disagree.

 

The Mask We Wear

I sat across from my girlfriend last night telling her about my problems. She and I were friends in high school. We reconnected at our 20 year class reunion three years ago. She was the photographer for Munch’s last birthday party. Our children were two years apart.

She and I had shared values. Raising wonderful boys. The seriousness of sisterhood and the desire to see women succeed. We put our boys in similar programs and always shared information. But, this was a first for me. Sharing my pains with her. I had a stressful day. I needed to talk to someone. We had plans.

So, I poured my heart out. I slowly drank my glass of water. No wine for me. I was upset. I refused to drink my calories rather I opted to indulge in dessert. I needed one. I deserved one.

As I sat there pouring out what had been going on with me for the last few months. I was teary eyed. I told her that I couldn’t understand why my son’s father and I couldn’t get a long. I was trying. I couldn’t continue to live like this.

She asked me about my marriage. Why did my marriage fail? I looked her in the eyes and said that I wore a mask. I had a mask on every day for the majority of my marriage. He didn’t know me. He couldn’t see the mask that I wore. He liked that “fake” me. I was living a lie.

I told her that there were many reasons. I could blame him, but I shared some of the blame. I lived a lie. I thought at the time it was my truth, but with each passing year it became more and more unbearable. I was literally drowning. Slowly.

Underwater and never to be seen.

He couldn’t see it. I explained to her that I realized that all women wear masks. Especially if you are a Type A personality. You tend to be the overachiever. You know the “I’m a Woman” type? You know the lyrics from Peggy Lee’s “I’m a Woman”…

“I’m A Woman”

I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have ’em hangin out on the line
I can starch & iron 2 dozens shirts ‘fore you can count from 1 to 9
I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippins can
Throw it in the skillet, go out & do my shopping, be back before it melts in the pan
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again

I can rub & scrub this old house til it’s shinin like a dime
Feed the baby, grease the car, & powder my face at the same time
Get all dressed up, go out and swing til 4 a.m. and then
Lay down at 5, jump up at 6, and start all over again
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again

If you come to me sickly you know I’m gonna make you well
If you come to me all hexed up you know I’m gonna break the spell
If you come to me hungry you know I’m gonna fill you full of grits
If it’s lovin you’re likin, I’ll kiss you and give you the shiverin’ fits
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again

I can stretch! a green black dollar bill from here to kingdom come!
I can play the numbers pay the bills and still end up with some!
I got a twenty-dollar gold piece says there ain’t nothing I can’t do
I can make a dress out of a feed bag and I can make a man out of you
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, and that’s all.

I was living up to this song. Doing it all. Dying a little bit each day. Inside. I smiled on the outside and accepted the compliments when people commented on how I did it all? They would say “You make it look so easy. You work full-time, care for your child, attend every meeting, fund-raise for the school and then send out custom holiday cards or birthday cards, mother’s day cards, etc. How do you do it all?”

I was dying. I was trying to live up to the perfect woman with a smile on my face masking the real me. But, cracks showed in my marriage. He complained about the lack of sex. I was exhausted. It had nothing to do with attraction rather than exhaustion. I was too tired to perform my wifely duties.

 

 

This is a two part post. The second post will be continued tomorrow.

#Momlife Monday|Raising Positive Kids Part II

More information from Niki on how we can cultivate a positive mindset in our children. I asked for help on this. Check out what she had to say.

 

This is a continuation of last week’s #momlife post. Tikeetha asked for tips on shaping your child’s perception when they tend to focus more on the negative than the positive. I’m…

Source: #Momlife Monday|Raising Positive Kids Part II