2016 advice children coparenting parenting relationships

Releasing Expectations – Part I

Tikeetha TMby
40 Comments on Releasing Expectations – Part I

This is a long post, so I’ve decided to split it up into two parts. So much to tell you. So little space. LOL. But, here goes…

I have to tell you how God is always aligning me with things when I’m least expecting it. Like last week when I was catching up on my posts, I read this great post by KE Garland entitled “Saying “F*ck you” versus Releasing Expectations as a Way to Deal with Rejection”. Long title I know, but this post was right on time. I needed to read it when I read it.

Why?

Because I was going through a co-parenting struggle. I was trying to get my ex husband to see the benefit in some things. Mainly…me meeting his new girlfriend and this new tutoring program that I wanted to enroll our son in. Here’s where the article came into play…she was reminding me that I should release expectations and not just say F*ck you baby daddy!

I was expecting my ex husband and I to agree on ALL or 99.99% of the things that have to do with our son. Okay, maybe that was a little delusional, but at least 98% of things. Was I being fair? Nope. He’s entitled to his opinion, I just wish his opinion was mine. LOL.

However, it wasn’t. That was frustrating as heck and I was feeling like “every time we take three steps forward in co-parenting, we take ten steps backwards”. It was a never ending cycle of bad communication. I was at the “F*ck you and I will do what I want point”.

Don’t judge me. You’ve been there too.

We all have.

We all want what we want when we want it. Fact of life. But, that really doesn’t work in marriage and it really doesn’t work in divorce. Add to the fact that you’re trying to co-parent and you are really screwing yourself. I didn’t want the screwing to continue so I tried to have a conversation with my ex husband about some things.

Issue #1 – The New Girlfriend

Please don’t be confused by the title. It’s not an issue. I’m ecstatic that my ex has found love again. That means that we didn’t damage each other beyond repair (which is definitely a good thing). However, he decided that he would like his new girlfriend to pick up our son from the bus stop one day because he had a conflict. I didn’t feel comfortable with this. Why? Because I don’t know her, never met her, don’t have a license plate number, last name or telephone number for her.

Some people would say do you really need this? To which I would reply loudly “Hell Yes!” I have only one son. Munch is the light of our lives and I don’t allow people to drive my child around that his dad doesn’t know without me in the car. It has never happened and it never will. Heck, my own mama wouldn’t allow my son to be picked up by someone (male or female) that she had never met from her house. So, why would I allow a total stranger to me to drive my son around?

Do you know what he responded? She’s not a stranger to Munch. Munch knows her and really likes her. You know it took everything in me to not respond “Munch is 8 and he really likes and knows about butterflies, but you won’t see me allowing a butterfly to drive him around.” But, I said a quick prayer and asked the Lord to bridle my tongue. I explained that I would never allow someone he’s never met to drive our son around.

I wouldn’t. End  of case. I explained to my ex that if he’s at the “letting her drive our son around stage” then she needs to meet me. Introductions are a must. I explained that I would never allow my friend to pick up our son and drive him somewhere without me. Why? Can you imagine for a second a total stranger (to you) picking up your one and only child and then getting into a car accident (no fault of their own) and your precious 8 year old ends up in the hospital and your ex spouse calls to tell you this. What do you think would happen? Let me break it down for you…

All hell would break loose. I would be cussing and fighting her and my ex husband. My family would be doing the same. The police would be called and I would be in handcuffs. The news would report it and I would lose my good job. Why? Because mama don’t play that. Not today and not with my Munch.

We had a LONG conversation about this and he was cool. He said “Okay” and will be setting up a meet and greet in the next couple of weeks. See, that was a win-win for both of us. I get to meet the woman he’s introduced to Munch and she gets to meet the neurotic mother of a charming little 8 year old.

But, guess what he then asked? He asked could he meet Mr. C.

Hold up! What a minute!

What? Why?

Mr. C has only met Munch once. I don’t have him around Munch all the time. I know it’s been almost a year, but I am a protective mama and he’s respecting of that. We’re taking it S-L-O-W! Why my baby daddy got to be meeting Mr. C? I was feeling some kind of way. Is that wrong?

40 comments

  1. I don’t think its wrong. You specifically asked because Munch will be spending time alone with her. If/when you get to the point where Munch is spending time alone with Mr. C, yep, a meeting is in order. Other than that, it’s giving too much weight to something that doesn’t yet require it.

    Also, have you heard of Gavin de Becker’s Protecting the Gift? I highly recommend it! Per de Becker, it’s not weird at all to have the reaction and take the steps you did! More … very, very good for Munch. 🙂

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    1. No, I haven’t heard of Gavin de Becker’s book but I’m adding it to my list in Amazon. Thanks Deborah and nope Mr. C has only met Munch once. I don’t have him alone with him, watching him, picking him up or anything which is why I find it weird that his dad wants to meet him after all. I think he’s being nosey.

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      2. Okay, so I’m not crazy? It just came out of left field. I’m serious about Mr. C but again we’re taking it slow and he starts spending more time with Munch and I together I don’t feel the need to rush it.

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      3. Definitely not crazy! After you read Protecting the Gift, you’ll see what I mean. One parent allowing a partner solo access to a child raises a whole slough of questions not raised by a child being with one parent and that parent’s partner. The fact you are not only feeling that but acting on it is important and powerful. A lot of people don’t ask difficult questions because of how it’ll be perceived, and because they’re sure everything will turn out just fine. de Becker, who’s a safety expert with decades of experience, beautifully explains how not following up and not facing those uncomfortable questions puts kids at risk. So, yeah, not only not crazy, but doing your best to keep your child safe in body and mind. That’s a rockin’ thing, not a crazy one. ♥

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  2. Tikeetha, I’m glad this post inspired you. I really like the way you always take a step back, evaluate your role in the situation and then approach people (instead of assuming) with the problem. As far as the question, I’ve never been divorced, so my perspective might come off a little different about the BD meeting Mr. C. If he’s just trying to meet him to be nosey, then I’d say he can wait. But if he has concerns (which is odd cause he hadn’t mentioned any prior to now), then of course, set up a meeting. Can’t wait to read Part II.

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    1. LOL, I think he’s being nosey. Mr. C has only met Munch once and I don’t have him around Munch. When he has Munch he will spend the night over his girlfriend’s house with our son. So, that’s why I think he wants to meet him. There’s no real concern to meet someone who isn’t interacting with your son on a regular or consistent basis. Girl, it’s a work in progress. Your post was right on time because I was going through it and needed to check myself.

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  4. OMG, Tikeetha! Girl, I was sitting here giggling at “Hold up…wait a minute!” You took me back to my club days. 😀 Co-parenting is tough. I am a step-mother. When I met my husband, his kids were little. It’s hard to know your role AND stay in your place (so to speak) when you love kids (in my case) and only want what’s best for them. Now I need to read Katherin’s post. P.S. Girl, let him meet Mr. C…haha.

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    1. Yes, sis. Read her post. I don’t have a problem if they get married. I just don’t think girlfriends have rights. That’s it and that’s all. He’s my son. He’s his dad’s son. We’re responsible for him. However, his dad has insisted on spending the night with you with our son around and then wanted to have our son driven by her then we need to meet. Not to judge or assess her but to make sure that we have clear understandings of the roles each of us plays in my son’s life. My son likes her a lot so I won’t ever stop that bond, I just need them to understand my concerns about knowing her and her driving my son around. It’s not going down like that.

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  5. I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting any women or man in your partners life to just have responsibility to care for him. It is a natural feeling. I do love how much insight you have in relation to how much control we have o error others. We can only really take responsibility for how we respond to life situations. I think once a person can master this skill of not expecting anything from others . I won’t say it is easy. I struggle 😀😀😀. It does make our life less complicated and less stressful when we take control of the things we truly can

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    1. Yes, Daisy! Preach that. I’m so trying to master my own emotions and how I react to this situation. It gets frustrating and unbearable. But, I’m trying to do it for Munch. that being said, Munch is our responsibility and I appreciate everyone knows that. Not his girlfriend’s nor Mr. C’s. If we can’t do something then our village is comprised of family and close friends that will step up and step in. Not your girlfriend/boyfriend.

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      1. I am lucky that my Bella Bees’s bio Dad wanted nothing to do with her. It made life a lot easier. I know that in a few years she will need to know the truth but yeah. I will try not to expect too much torment ;D Relationships are tough especially broken down ones that you can’t just walk away from. You are doing the best you can. You have the insight and emotions are okay. You know all this, I just don’t want you beating yourself up mentally for being human. x

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  6. Everybody needs to know everybody–especially if folks are planning to be around and making decisions for and about Munch.
    Flat out!
    Been there and done that girl! Sometimes it was awkward but it was the best thing to do for our son.

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    1. LOL. Thanks sis! I’m not against it. Just stop being nosey. He then threw shade last night and I was like “Wow”. So, I’m not sweating it. I’m going to meet her and let her know what’s going on.

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  7. You’re not wrong in your feelings at all! Your ex definitely sounds as if he’s being nosy, and not like a concerned, caring parent.

    Too many things can happen to children left alone with a person who is essentially a stranger, and they have. You can never be too careful, especially with your one and only child!
    Trust your gut – you’re in the right in this situation.

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    1. Thank you so much. Yes, I think his dad doesn’t get that. It isn’t that I believe that this woman is a pedophile. I don’t know her. I can’t say one way or the other what she is. I just know that he needs to make introductions for someone who will be alone with our child or driving him around without his dad.

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      1. Agreed. And, she may not be a pedophile, but women can be violent with kids who aren’t their own, just like men can be. Since she’s an unknown factor, she should be treated as “suspect.” Just like you aren’t leaving your child alone with your romantic interest – his dad should do the same.
        Co-parenting is sticky and prickly, even under the best circumstances.
        🙂

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  8. I might be the minority here but I think that my kids dad should meet a SO before my kiddos do. First they are little so I would only have someone I’m dating around the kiddos if we are exclusive/serious. Second because my ex had his mistress/girlfriend around the kids before I even knew he was having an affair it’s more important that I set a great example with healthy boundaries. Finally I probably have no idea what I’m talking about since I haven’t been serious enough with someone to get to that point.

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    1. LOL. Nope. Thank you for commenting. I totally agree with you. His dad spends the night with his girlfriend with my son around and I don’t even see my friend (we’re over 40 so saying boyfriend is weird) when I have my son. Not that I’m against it, but I just want to respect healthy boundaries and I don’t want my son to get attached. Which is happening with my son and his dad’s new girlfriend. What if they don’t work out? They haven’t been dating that long. My friend and I have been dating a year so I just find the whole situation odd. But, I’m realizing that I can’t control other people no matter what they are teaching. I don’t have a problem with my ex meeting my friend, but not just because you’re introducing me to your girlfriend.

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      1. It definitely sounds like you and I are on the same page. My ex had his mistress around the kids as she was babysitting them when their affair started. So now I have to think about how I want to handle me introducing a potential friend to my kiddos and my ex because I’m clearly not doing what he did.

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  9. First, let me say I agree with you 100% about the girlfriend driving around your baby. My kids do not get into the car with strangers.
    Next, regarding meeting Mr. C.: I think it’s fair, right? I mean if he is important to you and going to be in Munch’s life- then it’s nice to bridge that gap.

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    1. I’m okay with bridging the gap, but I am not having Mr. C alone with Munch or even driving him around. I think it was meant to be more of a nosey thing and not a concern for our son because my son has only met him once in almost a year of us dating. I’m not against it, I just despise ulterior motives.

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  10. I feel your pain, my ex has been remarried for over a year and I haven’t met him once. Nevermind he’s around my daughter a ton more than me. Never met once, all I know is he was a deadbeat on his two previous kids and I went broke in the process of trying to not let this happen. Completely feel your pain, as for my girlfriend I’ve asked my baby mommy if she would like to meet her and all I get is crickets. I completely feel your pain, as for wanting to meet Mr. C. that’s just him being nosy.

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    1. LOL. Thanks Gary. He’s funny as heck. Mr. C said he would meet him, but I knew he was just being nosy. This co-parenting thing gets hard sometimes. I can’t even begin to explain it. Too much stress. I can’t believe that she doesn’t want to have a meet and greet? People are weird. Your child is the best part of both of you and you should always want to know who will be a partner in the parenting responsibilities.

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  11. Pingback: Releasing Expectations – Part II – A Thomas Point of View

  12. Girl, NO ONE is driving my babies around unless it’s my wife, my parents, or my in-laws. I will figure out a way to get my kids driven around, so i agree with you 100% with the whole “i need to meet this lady” thing. No question. Now, as far as meeting Mr. C, I don’t think it’s really an issue, considering that he’s doing more of “an eye for an eye” kinda thing in almost a passive aggressive way (Oh, you get to meet my girl and I don’t get to meet ole’ boy? Yeah! ok!) so likely, THAT’s what it’s about, but if it’s a one time meeting, then, pick and choose the battles right? In situations having to do with your son, and the best life for him, is “being right” so important. Compromise is gonna benefit everyone and not just you, or him…if that makes sense…

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    1. Yes, it totally makes sense. He now said he didn’t need to meet him. Okay, whatever! I’m in therapy learning how to deal with him and I’m realizing that it’s me and my expectations of him and I shouldn’t have any. It’s hard because when you’re parents you’re always going to have expectations so I’m learning. Thanks so much for commenting sis!

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