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Stop Rushing Me

Tikeetha TMby
35 Comments on Stop Rushing Me

Can I just say that I don’t understand what the rush is? I had my therapy session a couple of weeks ago and had two good things come out of it that I need to work on, but one of the things that came up was my relationship with Mr. C. My therapist wanted to know a little bit about him. Not much. She said we’ll delve into that in future sessions.

But, the first thing I said was “He’s wonderful. He’s kind. He’s patient. He’s smart. He allows me to grow into this space feeling safe and secure and doesn’t push me to do anything.” She laughed. I told her that we’d discussed marriage, but that I had explained that I needed a couple more years of dating and being his girlfriend before I wanted to take that walk down the aisle again.

I began to explain all the points that I mentioned to my friends in the last month:

  • Even though I was separated over 3 years, the ink just dried on my divorce papers.
  • I’m enjoying being a girlfriend. The longest that I’ve ever been a girlfriend is 1 year. I need about 3 years.
  • There are definitely things you have to do when you’re a wife that you don’t have to do being a girlfriend. I’m not ready to do those things.
  • We’ve both done this before so we’re in no rush.
  • I have goals and things that I want to accomplish prior to taking that walk down the aisle again.
  • We are both seeking God and not man’s opinion on what He believes we should do in regards to our future.

Yep, I’ve had to say those things to well-meaning friends who think that I should just jump back in the married category. Um, no! I love the fact that my friends think so highly of marriage that they want to see me in it, but why are you rushing me? He and I don’t want anymore children so my biological clock isn’t ticking and we just want to enjoy this state. Our way. In our time.

My therapist said that it is biblical that we get married after two years. One year of courting and getting to know each other and one year to prepare for that wedding. I told her that was whack! I said that he and I are seeking God individually and collectively for confirmation on anything with our relationship and not relying on man’s interpretation to decide what’s best.

I’m exasperated. I’ve been married and now I’m divorced. Let me love the man that God has sent and just enjoy getting to know him. I’m not alone in this package. Munch is with me and so is Mr. C’s son. We, have to take the journey in our time. So, why the rush?

 

35 comments

  1. I gotta agree with your therapist. What can you find out in three years that you can’t figure out in one? And the right guy won’t make you take on his burden just because you got married, not add to yours. That’s lunacy

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    1. Maybe, but I am divorced and I need at least another two years. I have things that I want to accomplish. The reality is that rushing into a marriage because others feel that it is right is setting me up for failure. I rushed into my last marriage. I went from a girlfriend to a wife in 18 months. I want to take my time and I have to think about my son. He’s already had one family break-up on him. I don’t want him to experience another. The thing is that I believe you should do what works for you. If you want less time, great. If not, great. But, when you’ve watched your child go through a divorce – you tend to be a little more cautious. Three years isn’t written in stone, it could be longer or less. But, we’ll decide when we’re ready. More importantly, we are enjoying the ride of living and loving each other.

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      2. Nope. Just want to take things slow. This is the first healthy relationship that I’ve been in and I’m just enjoying it. Besides, if and when we decide to get married we will do individual, couples and family counseling as we have children and want to make sure that we understand blended families.

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  2. I think you are doing the right thing. No one should be rushed into marriage no matter their situation or age. Marriage should be a life long thing and making sure you are with the right person is very important. Some people can do that in a shorter time period than others. Some people are able to hide their true colours for a long time (although from what you post about Mr. C, I think hes a pretty stand up guy!) I think its awesome that you know your own mind and have a firm idea of what you want out of this relationship. Just do you! 😉

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    1. Thank you. Yep, I’m just doing me and he’s doing him and together we’re doing us. But, we’re in no rush. I want the next marriage to be the last marriage so I definitely want to continue exploring who I am and what I want.

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      1. And you should feel free to do that! It sounds like Mr. C is a good match for you and I hope that you two have a very long and happy future together!

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  4. Good for you. Go with your gut. I encourage you to continue to explore who you are, what you want, what you don’t, what works, what doesn’t. The more grounded you are in yourself, the more whole you are as an individual, the stronger the relationship will be. Assuming the same is true for Mr.C- seeing as you’re both on the same page, I think it’s safe to say he’s doing his part to be a whole individual in this partnership. Every relationship is different, even though marriage may be the destination the journey is what prepares you for it ❤

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  5. It wouldn’t be something I would want to jump into without fully knowing 1000% God’s on board and I am too type deal. It wouldn’t matter about what anyone said. My husband and I wanted to get married ASAP, but we’re glad we had a long moment in between. It’s something different about just being with someone every now and again vs always being in each other’s faces. I love my boo thang, but when marriage came there was certain automatic expectations that were placed, even if we didn’t readily admit it. Short of you boning outside of marriage, I don’t think it’s an issue for the wait. Some of the best things came with waiting…

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    1. Yes, Lord. Speak that truth. Automatic expectations once you get married. I love being his girlfriend now and getting to fulfill my dreams and him encouraging those. I’m sure that will continue into marriage, but what happens if I have conflicting meetings, parent conferences and travel and he’s feeling neglected? We love where we are and that’s amazing.

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  6. I was separated for ten years before I finally got divorced. I will NEVER do the marriage thing again. Once is enough for me and sometimes, it takes longer than three years to find out what somebody is REALLY about. There are considerations to that….ambition…children….responsibility that maybe somebody thinks should be borne only by the “housekeeper”…..interfering in-laws….uncontested freedom of one because they are trusted.
    I’m not sure you ever REALLY know somebody….but maybe you do. I just know, I didn’t and I will never try to find out again.

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    1. Absolutely. You never really know someone. You know only what they share and many people don’t share everything. It’s okay, but there are a lot of things we need to know and work out before combining households at any point. We are dating for a purpose, but we’re in no rush. Like Jan said, “Who knows, I may need less than 3 years, but that’s for us to decide.”

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      1. She’s exactly right. It is your decision. I wasn’t really “speaking out of school” because nobody REALLY knows me. They know bits and pieces, some more than others but only I know myself. Now, I’m not a serial killer or anything….LOL…I just have secrets. 🙂

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  7. Do what both want to do. If you need time, you need time- end of story. People rushing you or pushing is only going to push you further on the other side. Who knows..you might have a moment when you realize you don’t need three years. Then again – it should be all yours and not because someone is asking you to!

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    1. Absolutely Jan! I might wake up a year from now and say “Let’s do it.” but it will be our choice. We know that marriage is what we want, but I’m in no rush and neither is he.

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  9. People like to meddle others with their thoughts and presumptions. You and Mr. C have to be, live and love each other not the world and what others think. Keep your circle, your circle. 🙂

    There is absolutely nothing wrong in knowing self! For what it is worth I am proud of you!

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  10. No rush at all, my friend. I suppose the idea of marriage is an idol to this culture and we have to have it. Thats something I fight everyday. I dont need marriage to satisfy and neither do you. Hard to believe somedays but its true.

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  11. What the hell Bible verse can your therapist point to on that one? That’s just weird.

    Seems to me like you are being perfectly smart and reasonable (as usual), so… ignore the haters!! Haters gonna hate, God-fearing gonna pray and live in righteousness. Do you and your relationship. The only other person who matters in this equation is Munch, which means all outside voices can shut it.

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  12. I haven’t read all of the above comments, but here’s my advice: DO YOU! I’m sure you and Mr. C know exactly what you want and that’s all that matters. Girl, I almost broke my no cussing on social media rule reading this one. People have some nerve :-/

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