2016 advice dating relationships

Do You Still Love?

Tikeetha TMby
61 Comments on Do You Still Love?

Mr. C and I were talking the other day and I mentioned to him that people shouldn’t change after they get married. I told him that if you know that I like having drinks with my girlfriends once a month, you shouldn’t expect me to give that up. He agreed to a point. He said that one thing that he’s okay with as a boyfriend but not as a husband is me going out with my male friends who I’ve smashed.

I was shocked.

Really? Why? His response was that a man who has already smashed you has an agenda and will try to push up on you regardless of whether or not you’re married. I disagreed. I told him that if they pushed up on me now knowing that I’m in a relationship that it would make me walk away.

I then asked him what if he’s married? I told him that I have friends that I smashed 16 plus years ago, they are married and we’re still friends. What about them? He thought about it and said “Maybe, they would be okay.” I laughed.

I talked to my friend about it and he said “I agree with him.” I was shocked. I told him that what it means is that unless you get married (and you’ve sworn off marriage) we won’t be allowed to be friends anymore. He said “I know.”

He then sent me the following picture and asked me my thoughts:

Interesting post right? He wondered is it true? I said not for me. I said that I will always have love for him, but I’m not still in love with him. My love for him means that I would visit him in the hospital and I may think about donating an organ or bone marrow if he needed it.

But, I got to thinking about the implications of the post. I still had love for a lot of my exes. I guess what I’m saying is that I still do love most of my exes. Not in love, but there is love there. Relationships ended, but we had friendship and that friendship is so encouraging to me. They aren’t trying to smash me. Well, if they are they’ve never said it. I think we just grew up and kept in touch.

So, I ask you this question…Is it true that if you were past lovers with someone and you can remain friends that you are still in love or that you never loved them?

Talk to me.

61 comments

  2. Wow. This is so interesting…I’ve never really thought about that this way.
    I think there is some truth in that quote. Personally I’m between you and your husband. I think that (me too) we either still love our exes or we’ve never really loved them, but also that must be an inbetween. What happens to those who loved deeply and got hurt, but forgive the person and keep in thouch? Is it okay to still meet them?
    People are so different and so for some the quote might be true, but for some not. I’m still really good (and close) friends with one of my exes, but we’re really only friends, friendly, there is nothing more. I don’t feel anything anymore. So according to that quote we would’ve never been in love, but what if we just changed? And so did our love? We moved on and that love grew away. Is it possible we can change so much that love changes with us? That we just grow apart, if we don’t make it work with all our strength?
    Thanks for this thought provoking post! Totally loved it!

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    1. Yes! Thank you so much for commenting. I totally agree with what you’re saying. Maybe our love changed because we changed. We grew up and our feelings matured and life sent us the person we were supposed to be with. That doesn’t mean that we’ve never loved only that we changed.

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  3. I do completely agree with this!!! I also think that I am going to have to share this post too! I am civil with my ex-husband, I would not call us friends. And to me that is because there was so much love there that isn’t there anymore, that I simply can’t look at him as a friend. Now, we are friendly…we get a long and do things together for the kids, but never would I think to go out just him and I. And and I am not friends with ANYONE that I “smashed” and thankfully neither is Paul. Love the term smashed by the way.

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  4. I tell my lady friends this all the time. If he’s a real friend to you offer him any sexual favors. If he declines then you know he’s a real friend with no hidden agenda. If he jumps on it then he wanted to smash all along. Men we will wait for years until a woman is vulnerable.

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  5. I don’t have a reference point here, as I haven’t seen any of my ex lovers in more 25 years. And I’m not sure how I’d feel about my wife hanging out with her ex lovers. She doesn’t see any of her ex’s either. She has male friends and I have female friends, but none that either of us have slept with or had sexual relationships with. I do know that we are each very secure in our own relationship though. Having opposite sex friends is fine to me, because we trust each other. Might have a slightly different opinion if those friends had been lovers in the past. But I think if you trust each other, it shouldn’t be that big a deal.

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  6. This is very interesting and thought provoking. I personally am not friendly with either of my two exes. I thought I loved the first and I never loved the second. I understand this more now that I actually feel what it is like to love. I never understood why men and women can’t just be friends. I know some people who hold the opinion that they can’t. I think it is possible.

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  7. I think this is one of those issues that men and women see differently. Most of the men I know say that straight men can’t be true friends with a woman, particularly after they’ve already been lovers, because men always have sex as a hidden agenda. Most women I know don’t believe it. Maybe we need to hear what they’re saying.

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  9. I’m going to take a chance here and guess that getting “smashed” doesn’t mean being drunk?
    I have only had one “boyfriend” (more of a sweet friendship that anything serious) and then of course, Loser. I am not friends with either one of them. Loser wanted to be “friends” but my view was….I couldn’t even trust him to be a faithful husband…how could I possibly trust him to be a faithful friend?

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  10. Well it’s a lot going through my head Queen. I love this post let me say that. Past lovers and former people you smashed are different. For me, it’s immature and unwise to assume that because someone use to be in love and are now friends that equates to still being in love or never being in love. Those people obviously had bad break ups or have never been in love lol. Any relationship that comes and goes does not mean dislike or ignore the love that developed with the relationship that seems bitter to me. What you shared was meant for that moment good and/or bad and you learn and grow from that so no remaining friends could demolish that growth simply because you severed that connection. I am dating a man now who is still friends with most of his former partners,no bad blood,simply because it’s no need to have bad blood. It didn’t work ok cool and while we were together it did! Thank you and if ever you or I need one another we still have a friendship.
    Now as for not going out with males you had relations with, if you still wanted to you would be still,right? So,that’s a insecurity and trusting issue on that persons part for him or her to figure out. What’s going to happen will happen whether we intervene or not so trying to “control” your mates life to avoid it is a turn off. Girl,this post got my blood flowing! Hope this helps. We need to exchange numbers lol. Enjoy the rest of your day Queen.

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  11. Also,lol,I still have male friends that I was in love with and smashed and we are just friends. The love that I have now,the love that I stand in now allows NO room for still being in love with them in any aspect but yes I will always be a friend to those persons. Respect my situations or be of the past!

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    1. So true. I think love changes when you’re no longer smashing. Doesn’t mean that you hate the person, they are in a new role. But, I do respect how some people are saying no. I get that. Everyone’s entitled to feel that way. I just know what I will and won’t do with anyone regardless of whether I’m in a relationship or not.

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      1. Yes you know I respect everyone’s diff perspectives…as for me, he needs to trust you. Those people came BEFORE him and those friendships came BEFORE him. Perhaps it’s those relationships turned friendships that made you the woman you are today that he is attracted to. ANY situation could be “an open door to cheating” not just the ex’s. If hanging out with a person you had relations with in the past whom is now your friend causes you to cheat then it was going to happen or has already been happening. BUT you cannot worry about stuff that you have no control over. You tell me I cannot hang out with a friend and either imma do it anyway and you deal with it or we are going to have to stop dating.

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  12. I agree with Mr. C. I feel that is an invitation to cheating. Being that I have gone through this and we are working on trusting one another, there is no need to talk to anyone of them unless you have a child together and then there are limits to that as well, Yeah, WE all can go out together and socialize. What will/do you talk about? If I see you out and about, I will speak but anything other than that, I do not agree with.

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    1. Interesting. We talk about life. I have a friend that is married with 2 kids and lives in another state. We’re friends. We talk on the phone and he’s know me for almost 30 years. Nothing sexual between us. What makes it wrong?

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      1. Do you know his wife? Do you talk to her? That is the problem that I have. If you have been friends and there is nothing more to it, well get to know the wife. If he tells her about you and it’s fine with her then there should not be a problem. If the wife says I no longer want you talking to her, then he should respect her and the marriage. There are things that we should sacrifice for the sake of relationships. We all make sacrifices and if you think it’s a control issue then we should sit down and talk about it. It is between you and your partner about how much you will tolerate in your relationship. Guys will wait it out just to see where your new relationship is going, women too.

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      2. Nope, I never met her. They live in Pittsburgh. She knows about me and that we talk. I’ve called their home and I’ve spoken to her because he’s shared some of my work with her. She seems absolutely amazing, but nope I’ve never met her. I respect her and their marriage. She’s not on social media either. I’ve sent Christmas cards and gifts for their children. I don’t think she would ever say that because we’ve been friends almost 30 years and I totally respect their marriage and he’s a great guy. He loves her and he loves his family. When I was dating after my marriage ended I told him, “Don’t you ever mess up your marriage. There is no greener grass and nothing out there. Ya’ll need to work on your marriage and keep it strong. Trust me…there is nothing out there. Don’t be a dick to her.” He told her and she was like “That’s right girl!”I respect black love.

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  14. Take gender out if it, a friend is someone who will loan you money, help you with your kids, confide in, check up on, disagree with, GI places with etc. When we as people break up with our exes, and still use the saying “let’s be friends” to me that is what you are supposed to do as a friend. The word FRIEDA gets used to loosely nowadays and social media is the culprit. Real friends inquiry about who the real you is.

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    2. True. We are friends. They check on me to see how me and my son are doing and I do the same. I send Christmas cards and birthday gifts to their children. We’ve never mentioned going backwards and hitting it again. Doesn’t happen. Those are the ones that I would keep. Not someone who wants to hit it again.

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  15. Great question and interesting comment feed! Thank you

    I have a handful of exes + buddies, none of whom I’m friendly or friends with. The one worth trying to remain friends with let it be known that he wanted “that old thing back” so it just didn’t work. And the others.. I just don’t see their presence adding value to my life.
    I have male friends that have never smashed nor been inappropriate or “questionable”, and I think I’d much rather my man have similar female friends. I just don’t know how I’d feel with my current lover choppin it up with a woman that he’s been inside of, especially if it was more than sex.

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  17. I’m kinda with Mr. C on this Sis! But then again, if the smashing took place over 10 years ago and no smashing has happened since then maybe that one can slide. LOL!!
    That graphic is deep tho!

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  18. The quote is true if you’re still friends you love him or her or you never loved them. It’s not a wise thing to do or healthy for your relationship or marriage. All my past boyfriends are still in love with me so I don’t go around them. The ones that I grew up with I see them when we all get together but we don’t do a one-on-one or we don’t leave the crowd we don’t have anything to say to each other in private or personal. My man is my friend to share whatever I have to share with the opposite sex he want to hear everything about me and don’t want other men to hear expressing me. And I definitely don’t talk to other men about my husband. This is not a problem in my life. I don’t do it because of who I am. Not because my husband wouldn’t like it. I live up to my expectations. I follow my heart.

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  23. Big big big question!

    Personally, I feel threatened by it. I don’t keep that much in touch with exes– when they are in a relationship or when I am in a relationship. Because I just think that it is a risky investment. Feelings dont have a home. They roam about, scouring for preys in every nook and cranny of the earth. You know!

    I think that it is largely a personal choice. And everyone has got to be on either side of the issue. Some people can stay ‘just friends’ with exes, no ruling that out… but you might agree with me that half the time you break up, emotions remain fluttering and lingering. And often times, unfortunately or whatever, those emotions don’t wane. So that you find that even when an ex is married and with kids, he can still very much be in love with you. Call it obsession, call it tough love. Point is, we love who we love and it sucks! (Chris Evans).

    So for me, I would rather just stay very far off from all such ties than have myself tending to some smart story of how what and what was a mistake or how what and what is not what it looks or looked like! Plus I tell boo too that the exes should and must stay exes. No more. No less. #sigh

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    1. LOL. I get it. I’m actually friends with a lot of my exes and I don’t have feelings for them. I love them for who they are, but I don’t go back. They know that about me. So, I can show up at the house with gifts for the kids and truly be a friend. But, not everyone feels that way so I respect my man’s decision. I trust and love him so him asking me not to hang out with men that I’ve ever slept with is acceptable.

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  24. Very interesting subject…I would trust the husband’s view…I know you may not care to hear this…however, “childhood chush “…can ignite adult passion..old flames…can burn your house down, and friendly greeting, can turn into weekly meetings😊

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    1. Never thought of it that way. Your comment ended up in spam, so please forgive the delay. I trust him so I would never do anything to compromise how he feels. I get it. I may be over it, but the man may not.

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