Okay so this post is really about explaining things to people who think when you are divorced and you have children that you can get along. Let me start by saying that you can… IF both parties are willing. What some people want you to do or can’t accept is that if one parent is rude and disrespectful how you can co-parent in an acrimonious situation?
I read this beautiful story circulating on Facebook a couple of weeks ago about a woman praising her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. They were all sitting there smiling. I was in awe. Such a beautiful woman and a beautiful child. They obviously liked each other.
I thought…how wonderful. How perfect. How grown-up and mature. Let me recap in case you missed it. This woman was giving praise to her ex’s girlfriend. That is amazing! We should all give praise where praise is due. However, I think what the statement does is generalize. The assumption that it is the woman’s fault “Why do all these moms act so spiteful and jealous towards the other women? NO ONE said it was easy trying to be a mother to a kid you didn’t have.” or “Ladies, grow up and focus on being a good mom. Love more hate less!”
Umm, that’s over generalizing. Many women aren’t spiteful or jealous towards the other woman. That’s a myth perpetuated by a man whose ego is bigger than his d*ck. Many women are just tired of the revolving door of relationships, the BS from their ex or the shenanigans that the new woman is playing.
I’ve known countless situations of friends, family and fellow bloggers who’ve endured enough BS to last two lifetimes from their ex even though they are not together anymore. Co-parenting is hard and it starts with two adults being able to do so. If you both can’t be adult, you can’t co-parent. Simple truth you need to accept.
Many people expect you to put up with BS from the other parent regardless of the fact that ya’ll aren’t together. They then try to spin it as in the best interest of the child.Let me ask you this…if your ex was abusive towards you in any way shape or form should you continue to endure it because it is in the best interest of the child?
If your ex has mental health issues that threaten the welfare of the child should you just endure it? If your ex has a revolving door of women or men around your children should you just ignore that fact? You get the picture right?
I’ve often said that there are three sides to every story….his, hers and the truth and that the truth is somewhere in the middle. You can’t assume that the reason people don’t get along is because the women are being spiteful and jealous. Hell, people don’t like you for any reason and they don’t know you.
What I will say is that in order to have a happy and healthy co-parenting situation like the one above you need at a minimum the following three things:
- Two mature adults. It seems easy right? But, let’s be clear. Not everyone is mature enough to co-parent after a relationship ends. Not just women, but men too. In order to do what is in the best interest of the child it takes two people willing to put their own issues aside to do what’s best for their child. Maturity is a process. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean that you’re being mature. Focus on the bigger picture.
- Respect. Like Aretha Franklin sang “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” is needed in order for you to have a co-parenting relationship. If there is no respect, how can you have a healthy co-parenting relationship much less get to like or know your ex’s new partner? You can’t. I mean if you can count on your hands how many times you’ve been cussed out by your ex in the last 12 months and you’re not together anymore, how could you get to know the new woman or man? Many people don’t stay around talking to people that disrespect them.
- Open Communication. The thing about co-parenting is that sometimes you need to be able to discuss things without blaming and vindictive behavior. It goes back to number 1. When you can’t discuss things without getting into arguments, the question becomes what is the issue? If we can’t talk, we can’t co-parent. We parallel parent and hope for the best. Is it ideal? Nope, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do for your sanity.
Co-parenting is not a one situation fits all item. You can’t expect something from nothing. You can’t expect people to co-parent effectively if you’re missing just the basics I’ve mentioned above. I’ve learned that some of the biggest barriers to co-parenting can be men too. Not just women.
Children grow up. They see and learn things. They pay attention to behaviors and they draw their own conclusions. I wish that every situation and relationship could be as glamorous as above, but many times it can’t. In those situations, I just pray that the parents are being the best parents possible and that the child understands that he/she is loved by both.
A Thomas Point of View 
I love it my brothers ex needs to read this, she’s been bitter every since the divorce. It’s been almost 8 years, but I do pray that the Lord will remove the hurt and anger and feeling of rejection from her heart. An that he will fill it with his love if she allows him he wants to come in. She is not saved it is my hopes and prayer that a man or woman of God will come across her path and be his light here in earth and point her to him. Maybe this year someone will light a match and create a fire in her. An she will in term save her whole family. All he needs is one person to light a match. 🙏🏼
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Absolutely. I’m learning that there are those that are supposedly saved and they create drama as well. Divorce happens, but the children need consistency and stability. I’m praying over my own situation and asking God to just heal my heart from all the anger and disrespect that I receive from my ex husband. His disrespect has created a toxic situation whereby I don’t even speak to him. My sanity is more important that a conversation even to say hello. God and therapy are helping me through this, but until he accepts and realizes that I worship and follow only God and that I won’t allow his words which are like weapons to prosper against me, he won’t even get a hello.
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They should have given all people a class in primary school on respect and communication. You can use it in so many places…and it’s so necessary.
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Yep and when you’re pregnant too. Lol.
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Oh lordy! Dontcha know. One if the best teachers is experience.
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I agree with you 200% am in a similar situation which even prompted me to write a ebook about it. People change after divorce or a break up and sometimes you don’t even care about your ex and their new partner all you want to do is raise your children but somehow it’s like they want the opposite. Why should the same issues keep coming up? Why can’t we just get along? It all boils down to immaturity and unnecessary competition that only exist in their little minds not yours. It’s a mental battle that someone needs to draw the line or it goes on forever. Great article
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Girl yes! What is your e-book? I need the link. It is so true. My ex has a girlfriend and I don’t know her. She seems nice but he keeps stuff going. He accused me of threatening her on my blog, which I didn’t. The only threat I would ever make to anyone is that if you touch me or my child you will get your a** whooped is not a threat but a declarative statement. I don’t think she would put her hands on my child, but I’ve never really had a conversation with her. He never introduced us. She introduced herself. I only know her first name and then my son referred to her as Diva Mom. I wasn’t cool with that for two reasons: 1. You’re not married. You’re his girlfriend and 2. He’s my son and that is so disrespectful to be called Diva Mom. What does that mean? That you’re better than me. I tried to have a civil discussion with my ex and his girlfriend about it and he acted a monkey fool. So, I was done. He keeps calling me the victim. Says I’m vindictive and controlling. Cusses me out in emails. I don’t have time for the back and forth anymore. It stresses me out and I’m in therapy because of my issues with him. He hates me and that hate allows him to think he is right in how he treats me. It is so disturbing. But, I also want it to be known that the “mom” title is something that I hold seriously and she would have been able to know this had he bothered to have a conversation with me.
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Darling honestly you don’t need a of this trust me, do not allow anyone to take away your sanity. Email me and we talk am going through this exact situation and I’ve finally found my peace. Sheree7@hotmail.co.uk and I will send you a free copy of my book to read. Look forward to hearing from you. Xxx
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Will do.
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In my experience, the ex is absolutely spiteful toward the new woman (me). There’s a lot of jealousy, a lot of hate, a lot of discomfort in the idea of her children being around a “new” woman (I’ve been in their life for 4+ years and have been with their father for 3 years). There are a LOT of women who can’t get over the fact that they can’t call the shots anymore; because the husband (in this case) isn’t on his own anymore and has someone to encourage him to step up and stand up instead of just taking what the ex gives.
I hate the title “Co-Parenting.” It’s not Co anything. You’re parenting. Just because you aren’t living together anymore and aren’t in a relationship anymore doesn’t make it “Co” something. You. Are. Parenting. I hate the titles that the media gives to parenting “crunchy moms etc.” Just let us be families without the added stigmas they’re trying to give us.
Parenting is hard. When there are extra parents involved (like a step parent), it gets even harder.. for the kids, for the adults, for the teachers, for everyone. It’s hard. There’s a lot that goes into it and there’s a lot of emotions dwelled in each person who is involved and it doesn’t come with a simple recipe to fix it.
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Totally agree with you. In my opinion, my ex is toxic and disrespectful as hell to me and I am in therapy working on my hatred of this man. It has gotten to the point that I don’t even speak to him or his new girlfriend because he is so disrespectful to me. I am now for reduced stress for me. The mother. My sanity matters because my son needs me to be in a good space regardless of how his dad treats me. The reality is that it takes both biological parents to fix their relationship for their child or it will be awful for new parents coming into the picture. It’s not always the women. It is men too. I thought after my divorce that we would both find love and be happy and that our son would eventually have two sets of parents that love and adore him. But, that can’t happen if the two parents are in an acrimonious situation with poor communication and lack respect for each other. That puts the bonus parent if you will in a bad situation. Ultimately, bonus parents can feel like they are caught between a rock and hard place and they are, but they must know that until the bio parents can stop hating each other and putting their issues behind this will be the new norm forever. It’s sad, but true.
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agreed completely. if the bio parents cannot agree- there isn’t much else that can happen after that. everything becomes an attack. this kids ultimately get used as a weapon or a threat against the other one. it’s awful. i wish so badly that i could protect our kids from the words of BOTH parents. my husband tries as best as he can to not even speak about their mom, while she spends a lot of time trashing him or us (they tell us). its so sad. i wish that parents could see how they are potentially ruining their children when hate sets in like this.
i really hope and pray that you will find peace. i’m so sorry that you’re in such a tough spot. parenting is hard and its even harder when you don’t have a supportive partner, not even as your husband or boyfriend, but partner in parenting in general. i hope that you do find real love- a man who will love your boy as much as he can and will love you even more. and the same for your ex, once he’s settled and his emotions can handle it.
keep on sista.
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Yes, it is so hard for the kids. I pray for my son constantly that we are not destroying him. Children need their parents to be mature and grow up and think about what is best for them. There also needs to be rules when you’re co-parenting in different houses. LOL, I just thought of some. I will do a post on that. One that I truly follow is that I don’t discuss my ex-husband around my son. I don’t bash him or trash talk anything around him. I think that is the worse. I think children get caught in the middle when adults can’t be adult. I pray that your husband’s ex-wife learns to respect him and you both and just be adult about it. Your children need all of you. The past is the past.
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i think that’s the best rule to try to practice, honestly. even in married relationships. if we talk bad about our spouses or about our kids’ parents, how on earth are they supposed to love and respect them?
looking forward to that post!!
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How about I “discretely” send you my ex’s info and you can give her the what for on how this co-parenting thing is supposed to work :).
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I know right? Parenting struggles.
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I’m a single mum who has no input from my boys dad and that is hard enough! I can only imagine how hard it is to attempt a co-parenting relationship!
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I know right? It’s hard as heck. Especially when you’re dealing with a difficult parent. But, if it works well then it is magic.
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