I have written before about my love for Mr. C and how I am enjoying being his girlfriend and not rushing the marriage right? Even against the advice of my therapist, I’m foraging through my anxiety and just loving the man that God has sent me. But, I also recognize how some women think that the grass is greener because they’ve never been married.
They see marriage as the golden ring and they want it. It could be a multiple of reasons, they are lonely, tired of fornicating, want to be with someone as a unit on a permanent basis. All of these reasons are valid to them. But, what happens when we want something so bad that we date stamp it?
For example, if you say that I want to be married by the end of 2017. I need you to slow down on that. Goals are great. Goals are created and driven by your desire to achieve something. Marriage, is not an achievement.
Marriage is work. Hard work. Loving someone in spite of how they may treat you in that moment requires patience and faith. I always tell people that you need to do it in God’s time and not your time or you will end up in a place of hell.
When we rush the process on the belief that marriage is the prize, we give ourselves a false sense of security. We’ll accept the foolishness or BS that a man may be bring because the goal is to be married. The goal is to not be married. The goal is to stay married.
That is the true goal. Finding someone that loves you and can accept you for who you are and you do the same. If that turns into marriage then great! If not, then learn from the experience and move on.
You may be asking, how do I do that?
Here’s 3 tips on how you can do that…
- Stand out of your own way. A lot of times we stand in the way of our own happiness and success. We literally put our guards up and block any potential blessings of a man out of our lives. We have a resting b*tch face all the time and act like we don’t need a man. We don’t. But, we want a man and that want should be able to be translated into action. Step back and evaluate whether you are blocking potential suitors through your facial expressions, actions or attitude.
- Let God lead you. I spent so much time trying to date and do it on my own that it was crazy. I was literally dating idiots or men that God had not sent. I was believing that I could pick a potential suitor by myself. I didn’t need help. That’s a lie. We all need help. When I got ready to try on-line dating again, I prayed to God to send me someone that would love me and my son as though we were of his flesh and bone. A man that would be loyal and trustworthy and be a man of God. That would seek to build me up and not tear me down. I also said to God, “And let me be that woman that will do the same things I am asking for. Let me be worthy of the man that you send.” You see that right? I wasn’t going to act like I need him to be perfect knowing full well that I’m not. Let me be the kind of woman that will receive what I’m being sent.
- Take your cookies off the menu. First, this is hard to do if you’ve ever been intimate with someone. I know this. I’ve been there and I know that it is a struggle, but you can do it. It’s like my grandma used to say “Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?” Who is going to pay for what they are getting for free? Stop giving men free access to your play area. Tell them upfront. Mr. C and I discussed no sex on the the third conversation. I was upfront about it. He could either accept it or not. He did. That’s what differentiated him from others. Is it easy? Nope, but we’ve been dating for over a year and I love the man who courts my spirit, yearns for my words and loves the essence of me. I love the man that God has sent to me.
I’m trying to teach my son that. There is a season for everything and everything in due time. Sometimes we rush to the finish line thinking we’re getting gold when we in essence are getting nothing more than a hard time. Take your time and learn who you are and what you want. If you want to be married, great, but not everyone is destined for marriage and you need to ask yourself if you’re okay with that?
A Thomas Point of View 
Excellent post, am sorry that I have to be really blunt here but marriage is so overrated and misunderstood. Yes the union is fantastic but I truly believe that marriage is not what we are taught. I wish many honest people will come forward and be real with those who are waiting their whole life to be happy because they think marriage is the the key to their happiness. You hear people say “oh I will be happier when I get married”. To be honest that ain’t true, there is the possibility of happiness but marriage itself does not guarantee happiness. I used to truly belive marriage was the end goal until I got a reality check. Marriage is the beginning, staying faithful and sticking it out to the end should be the goal. All the money spent at the wedding could be a waste if those who go into marriage do not manage their expectations because once you get there you find out its not what you thought it was.
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Totally agree. Only you can be happy. No one can make you happy. I had a reality check in my first marriage, but there are people who stay married for years. What is it? Why can they do it and others can’t? I told my boyfriend early on that I think the simple for a lasting relationship is that each day that person has to self-lessly love their partner. Most people can’t do that. No matter what may come you wake up with the mindset to love your partner with everything. The key is tho, that it takes two people doing that. That conscious decision will allow you to grow and love each other at a consistent and steady pace. Doesn’t mean that you won’t have issues. Just means that you won’t be disrespected.
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Right on! Staying married is the goal. Marriage doesnt make u happy. If anything it’ll bring up crap u didnt think was there. So you have to be ready to knuck if u buck when garbage flies out of left field. Would you be willing to stay in the midst of possible BS as well as the great times? And not all folks, especially Millennials, get that.
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Exactly marriage does bring up a lot of childhood unknown issues and definitely not guaranteed to make you happy. If you ain’t happy being single what makes you think you maybe happy married. The goal is to be happy no matter what not to wait for something unknown to bring you happiness.
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Yep. We need to teach self-awareness and understanding that you are the only one that can make yourself happy.
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Heck, I didn’t get it and I’m not a millennial. Preach.
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Sorry about my essay 🙈
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No problem sis!
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Shoot…i should be apologizing. I wrote a dern thesis paper. You dont realize it until after you post. 😣
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LMAO.
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Brilliant ! Fantastic Post ! Great advice !
Everyone on this universe needs to be reading this.
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Aww, thank you so much.
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Very good and insightful post!
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Thanks Lynz!
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Great post. I think many people see marriage as the wedding and honeymoon when they’re actually a minuscule fraction of the relationship!
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Yep. My pastor’s wife commented that the goal is not getting married, but staying married and I think many people forget that. Take your time. Whatever that may be and let God lead you both.
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Such a beautifully penned post, Tikeetha! I commend you for being transparent. If we do what we’ve always done, we’ll keep getting what we’ve always gotten — a hard time. Learning from past experiences without repeating them is a sign of growth. Wishing you well, sweet sister! Happy holidays to you, Mr. C, and Munch. ❤
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Thanks sis! I’m learning. I’m trying and that’s what I want people to see. I don’t want women rushing marriage. My pastor’s wife commented that the goal is not to get married, but to stay married. So true. Happy Holidays to you and your family as well!
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Marriage is such a special union..that is certainly agreeable. It’s not jjst a piece of paper or permission to bone. Legacies, nations, princes, queens, kings, princesses were birthed from these sacred unions. It’s not to be taken lightly. I wouldnt say marriage itself is overrated. But that leople have commercialized it, like Christmas and have lost out on what it means to be together for a couple of forevers. Marriage has become a business for many. It has become spend 20,000 plus on a ceremony and then divorce and get that money 3 years later. That’s not okay. So for them, yeah bro…you need to relax, and take a moment. Breathe and figure out who you are with. On the flip side, just tie the knot already. Like the folks who were together for 9 years BEFORE getting married…come on…at what point do you draw the line? Yeah, don’t rush…feel out the relationship minus the sex (because you’ll stay in la la land for longer if the sexy time is included), but after awhile…a year, 2 years…what are you waiting on? If it flows like water, ya’ll are two peas in a pod, and you’ve created a working space of trust and conversation, a healthy spiritual tie…why continue to let it be a boyfriend/girlfriend bit? Who said you can’t date still after your married and enjoy life with your mate afterwards? And you get to get your freakity freak freak on after you’re married. Another thing is that, there were some issues that didnt pop up until after marriage for my husband and I. Living together for the first time, moving past the honeymoon phase, washing someone else’s drawers…that does something to a person. Lol. But having that issue, brought up crap we were able to view, inspect, and say let’s get this together and fix it because we’re in this for the long run. So, i would say, if you’re getting with jane or john doe, you better have a willingness to say yes to sticking in there in some of the suckiest/happiest times you can think of (sickness, disease, death in the family, promotions, births, vacations, layoffs, etc.) If you’re not willing to fight for your spouse..then maybe you should wait a minute. If you can you are willing, and you’re still waiting, then make it productive waiting. Like you’re trying to get your credit right, or you’re asking inportant questions like where do you see yourself in 1/5/10 years…what are your goals, aspirations, and dreams? Where do you see me in those dreams or am i even included? That way you’re not just pining away, twiddling your thumbs.
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Dang! Now this was a thesis sis! LOL. I think the main thing is knowing what questions to ask in the dating stage. Not those that get you to marriage and I believe in therapy. Many people don’t know how to communicate and outside of money, poor communication is the other reason that people get divorced. Focusing on communication and healthy communication techniques while dating will allow you the questions to ask. Therapy, couples counseling and pre-engagement counseling are some ways to really delve into your relationship. I believe in therapy but I can’t be with someone who doesn’t. If they see it as a waste of time and invaluable then I know that is a no-go with me. That means that this person is a delusional about who they are and won’t be willing to change. Not change to please me, but some changes are necessary and you have to accommodate your partner. Is it a bad thing if you don’t? I think so, but hey I’m only speaking from personal experience. The goal is not to get married, but stay married and that’s what should be discussed in the beginning. How do you stay married?
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