Monday Notes: 3 Lessons from a BFF Breakup

A great post by KE regarding breakups with your friends.

I usually can’t write about something, unless I’m completely over it. That’s why I have about 6,000 notes related to breaking up with my bff and no posts about it. Ever since June, I’d try to begin…

Source: Monday Notes: 3 Lessons from a BFF Breakup

One Day

One day you will wake up from this cold world where you feel all alone and know that I am here

One day you will listen to those whispers of love and encouragement and have them not fall on deaf ears

One day you will see the beauty that your eyes hide from

One day you will hear the beat of the drum

The drum that speaks life into you

Slow and steady

It beats for you

It beckons you to come forth

It beckons you to not stay in the dark

It beckons you that you are a fighter

Feel the rhythm my sweet princess

Dance

Dance and move enjoying the beat

Move

Let the power within take control

Be encouraged

Be faithful

Morning sits on the horizon

Your breakthrough is coming

a letter to the mother of my children

An incredible post for forgiveness of a parent who abandons their children…

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There are so many things I want to say to you, I’m really not sure where to start.  Maybe I should start with I’m sorry, but I’m not.  It was never my intention to take your place, however, you lef…

Source: a letter to the mother of my children

Dating Diary: Water My Dang Flower

I was telling you in yesterday’s post some of my lessons learned about relationships. Mr. C and I are struggling with time management. Specifically, quality time. Here’s what happened when I discussed it with my therapist…

I was sharing with my therapist last week how I had only spent about an hour with him since the start of the new year. I told her that he had stopped by to give me my birthday gifts but we hadn’t spent any substantial time with each other. I told her that now that he’s sick, I have no idea when I’m going to see him. We were two weeks into the new year.

She listened. She said “Relationships are like flowers. You have to water them or they will die.” She explained that he would need to treat our relationship like a job. Schedule time on the calendar to get together. I told her that he wouldn’t do that because he said that I’m the type of person that would be disappointed if plans changed. She said “Good. I believe that if he hears your disappointment then he won’t want to disappoint you. He will make it happen.”

I sat there and thought about that. That’s what happened in my last marriage. We stopped watering each other’s flower. We died. We stopped caring if we disappointed each other. So what? We probably thought “Oh well, just deal with it.” I was too tired to play any role but room mate and friend. We both died from our choices.

I didn’t want that to happen with Mr. C. I am constantly choosing him each and every day and I needed to make sure that he was doing the same. That we were watering each other’s flowers and making the time to be in each other’s lives. I told him what my therapist said.

He listened and said he had to process. But, he made an effort to see me two days later. We went to lunch and that’s when we had the difficult conversation that I wrote about. He then tells me about an interview for a job within his organization but the hours would be 2pm to 10pm.

I sighed. I was never going to see him. He already switched his hours from 8:30 to 5pm to 10:30 to 7pm. He couldn’t stand the stress from the traffic. I got it. I understood. I chose to move to the other side of the county thereby creating a 45 minute drive between each other. However, I work a straight 9 am to 5pm job. I explained that as busy as I am that I still make spending time with him a priority. It was God, my family (including him) and my sorority. I guess I wondered where I fit in to his hierarchy structure.

How does he see me? Is it as simple as I laid out for him or a more convoluted explanation. I know I’m probably over thinking it. But, I am a person that thinks in terms of black and white. No areas of gray. I have a lot on my plate, but I am committed to nurturing and watering this relationship. But, I can’t water my own dang flower alone. He needs to water me more.

relationships-require-work

Simple

How simple life would be if we just lived in and owned our own truth? Why do we complicate matters by practicing deceit, ignorance and omission? Aren’t you exhausted from all the games?

I am.

Simple.

I choose to simply tell the truth.

Own my truth.

I don’t owe anyone explanations for my behavior.

Take it or leave it but the truth is simple.

Here are my some of my truths:

  • I don’t want any more children. I choose not to be pregnant ever again. Been there and done that.
  • I don’t want to pretend that I have it all together. I don’t. Half the time I am just winging it and hoping I don’t fall apart before I get home.
  • Men from my past life…you have no chance with me right now. I’m in a happy and healthy relationship and I need you to reflect on why we aren’t together in the first place.
  • I shut down when I’m tired of listening to the same argument. I won’t go in circles with the same issues.
  • I don’t say stuff out of anger. I choose my words carefully because I can’t take it back when it’s said. I just shut down.
  • I am an advocate for women’s rights. As a survivor of abuse, I refuse to allow anyone to be victimized or suffer in silence like I did.

Simple. Those are my truths. I own them. I make no apologies for being who I am and you know what? Neither should you. Simply be the best you possible.

 

This post is in response to the Daily Post. The word was simple.

Dating Diary: Work?

Relationships require work. I learned this from my first marriage. I had never had a relationship beyond one year prior to my marriage so I didn’t know how to work on it or what that work was supposed to look like. I didn’t get that message in pre-marital counseling.

I tried to work at it. I think he tried to work at it. But, we both got frustrated. Working with no progress made us complacent. We became roommates. Partners. Homies. We were falling apart and didn’t know how to fix it. We tried counseling.

It was expensive. We couldn’t afford that, our bills and raising an infant. So, we just accepted that was supposed to happen. I talked to my married friends about my concerns and frustrations and they said it’s normal. They all go through it.

We didn’t know that it wasn’t normal.

That we were dysfunctional and we needed help to get ourselves together and back on track. I mean I tried. I prayed. I read books to try and get myself together to be a better wife. But, let’s be honest…it takes two people to get married and two people to work at it before both people end up in divorce.

One of the books that I read was Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages. I took the test. I learned that my love language was quality time. Quality time is defined as giving me your undivided attention. This doesn’t mean via phone or text, but time spent together without distractions.

I didn’t have that in my marriage. I was exhausted. I had stopped communicating my needs and wants and just let it go. I stopped fighting. I was tired of fighting. I couldn’t keep fighting.

In the four years since we separated and divorced I learned that healthy relationships don’t require you to fight for them. They require you to work at it. Two healthy people choose to put their relationship first and work at it. Continually. You selflessly choose your partner each and every day. You do the things necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.

This doesn’t mean that every day will be roses. It does mean that you two recognize that in order to keep growing and keep maintaining you have to work at it. Work is a verb that requires action on both parts. I think that’s what I’ve discovered since dating Mr. C.

I discovered that I want a healthy relationship and in order to get it, I have to selflessly choose to work on my relationship with him each and every day. I can’t stop working at it or we will become complacent. I shared this philosophy in the beginning of us dating. I told him that I believed that couples who choose to selflessly love and work on their marriage each day are the ones that last.

It was simple to me. If I wanted a healthy relationship, I had to work at it. I had to choose to selflessly love my partner each day. He had to do the same.

 

relationships-require-work