2017 abuse abusive relationship advice children coparenting domestic violence relationships

Surviving the BS – Part 1

Tikeetha TMby
50 Comments on Surviving the BS – Part 1

The goal of my blog has always been to tell you what’s going on in my life. In all honesty, I started writing to blog about my life and family when I was happily pregnant with Munch. I had many starts and stops and I wasn’t consistent. Life got in the way.

I came back to it at the end of my marriage. It was a way for me to maintain my sanity through all the drama and the noise. It was my free therapy. However, I held back a lot. I was doing it under the guise of protecting my son. But, I was hurting. I was dying.

No more.

I’m tired ya’ll. I’m exhausted. I can no longer remain silent while I continue experiencing this drama. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to Munch.

For the last year, I’ve gone back and forth to court with my ex-husband. I told you how it stressed me out. The last court date was on September 11th. They accepted our parenting agreement. An agreement that we supposedly entered in a good faith effort to co-parent.

But, we don’t co-parent. We can’t. I hate him. He hates me and we’re left trying not to mess up Munch. Every therapy appointment I tell my therapist that is my fear. That my son will be damaged by the choices his parents have made. She reminds me that children are resilient and that I can love and do the best that I can and it will make a difference.

I’m not as optimistic.

How did I get to the point of hating my ex? From all the senseless back and forth. The name calling, the BS passive aggressive behavior, the court drama, the insertion of his wife, the mediation, etc. My life was in suspended animation and I had no choice but to participate in this custody drama. I thought there would be peace. At least for a little while.

However, I was wrong. I underestimated the man that I was dealing with. I believed that somehow we would call a “cease fire” and leave each other alone. No contact or communication unless it pertained to our son. All email communications would only be about our son.

But, I was naive.

It was a rough first week in October. We went back and forth on our son’s flute and swim lessons. Unnecessarily long emails that really don’t matter. I was tired. I was tired of receiving the emails and asked him to please stop contacting me unless it had something to do with our son because these back and forth emails were harassing and emotionally draining to me.

This was what I received:

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I highlighted the piece of text that caused me anger, angst and feelings of violation. I realized that I was being battered and suffering emotional abuse by my ex-husband. He copied his wife on the email. I blacked out the email addresses and names. Why? Did they care when they sent me this BS? Probably not.

You see I told you about being a survivor of sexual assault, molestation and rape in my post: I Know Not. I shared my story because my ex-husband wanted to use it as an excuse to verbally abuse me. He wanted to harass and embarrass me in front of his wife as a form of intimidation.

So, if she wanted to know what really happened as a woman and a mother, she could read about it in my own damn words or she could support the man that continues to abuse me. But, it’s not about her. It’s about him. It’s about me. It’s about me saying that I will no longer allow this man to continue to insult and humiliate me. I am a survivor.

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I will no longer be silent.

-To Be Continued-

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

50 comments

  3. I have been in this place your in right now. For years I had to deal with someone just like him. I understand the hurt, pain, hate and absolute rage that comes along with dealing with someone of this nature. What was said was unnecessary and uncalled for. And you are 100% correct, you have a voice and you should never allow anyone to try and quiet that. Right now if feels like this space your in will last forever, but it won’t. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. Your son will be just fine, just keep loving him and being an awesome mom.

    P.S. I know really do know the hate and rage part and that will ease and disappear over time too. It won’t be easy and will take some work but your way stronger than he knows. Keep your head up and ignore the ignorant things that are to come.

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    1. Thank you so much Tashuana. You hit the nail on the head. The pain, hate and rage sometimes seem consuming. The emotional abuse should have ended when the marriage did, but it continues. I try to put on a mask and bear it. People keep telling me you know how he is and just ignore it, but this email broke me. It was like being victimized all over again. I can’t anymore. I shouldn’t have too. I just want peace. I pray that you’re right.

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      1. You have to take the mask off and face it (Sounds like that’s the space your in now). The thing with ex’s is they know our tender spots, they know what to say and how to say it to send us in a rage and or a downward spiral. But once you work on and heal those tender spots him bringing them up won’t matter, because your at peace with it. The only reason I’m not in jail is because of God. That’s literally how bad my situation was. It could have easily went left a couple of times and someone could have ended up seriously hurt or dead. So trust me when I say ex’s can be evil. Sounds like yours is using the triggers to get a response. And when he gets that response, he’s gonna run and say..” See, I told y’all she was this”. The thing is he fails to realize that you have the power, not him. Your on the right path. Keep using your voice and work on your healing and your peace will come. (Sorry for the book..lol but, this posts struck a nerve)

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      2. Nope, I truly appreciate it. I was telling Mr. C what your first response said – I told him that I’m not alone. I knew it. He laughed. Yep, I felt the rage and then hurt and humiliation which is why I decided to expose the narcissistic and emotional abuse that I’ve been dealing with. I just want peace. I’ve been praying without ceasing and each day it gets easier until I get another email. I can totally relate to the jail comment because I think I wanted to be there. One of my friends recommended therapy with both of us. My therapist said absolutely not. It is a wound that has to heal and it is too soon. The pain is too fresh. So, I’m working on healing myself and just praying that God will do His will in this situation.

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      3. Do not, I repeat do not do therapy with him. Lol. That’s a bad idea. Your therapist is absolutely right. Yes, you are far from alone there are many of us out here. We just don’t look like what we’ve been through. Lol. (Thank God!!!) I’ll be praying for you as well.

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  4. He sounds really petty and abusive. I can’t stand my ex either but he isn’t abusive like that. Besides paying $50-180 a month in child support, he doesn’t do anything for my son. He moved to another state and sees him 1-3 times a year. That’s messed up that he uses your previous abuse. Even though it’s really hard not to, try not to feed into his crap. People like this get a cheap thrill when you get upset. He’s a bully.

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    1. Thanks Lisa. People see me smiling and have no idea how much I have to endure from my ex. I try not to let it worry me, but this was him victimizing me all over again. I’m done hiding the abuse for the sake of my son. I don’t think I’ve ever been more disgusted and humiliated in my life.

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  5. Please don’t be upset but, I see nothing wrong with what he stated in the email. The email seems like he is really concerned about the child and your mental state. ( But that may be a tactic) I don’t know any of you and I don’t know what you’re going through but, I do hope it gets better.I’m a single parent of 4 and I know that it’s much easier to say you’re fine than deal with the motions of not really being fine. Stay strong and continue to handle your business for yourself and your child.

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    1. My problem is that he used my rape and molestation as a way to shame and humiliate me in front of his wife. It’s abusive, asinine and uncalled for behavior. What man tries to break down his child’s mother in hopes of what? I’m in therapy learning to deal with his behavior. That was the first thing I told my therapist when I walked into her office. I love my life, every bit of it. I need you to tell me how to deal with a high conflict ex. As a human being, I would never use any assault as a way to tell you what I think especially not having any degree in counseling or psychology. It’s an opinion. He literally assaulted me all over again. But, that’s an abuser’s tactic. I want him to leave me alone. I know it’s unrealistic as we have to parent our son, but that is my wish. He wants to make decisions with him and his wife and tell me that’s what they are going to do and I should follow. GTFOH. Someone who can so cavalierly dismiss you has no right to believe that I would consider him as trustworthy. What’s funny is that a friend of mine read this post and emailed me privately because he was there during my trauma and his reaction was this man sounds unhinged. He told me to please be careful. So, I say that to say that everyone may have different reactions to the email so I’m not upset. Thank you for responding.

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  7. Amazing post. I knew I was sent here for a reason. Recently divorced and coparenting is a nightmare, maybe even worse than divorce. Praying for you and thand situation as a whole.

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    1. Thank you so much. Yes, it is a nightmare. I’m going through this hell thinking there have to be others. There have to be others that have gone through the same thing. I think we all want to co-parent, but some people can never really do so and no one tells you how to deal in the day to day.

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  8. The oh-so-perfectly-massaged-email that masks the narcissistic personality that lurks within him…You have a voice and you are courageous for using it. It will be hard but remember that you have people praying and supporting you.

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      1. I see the manner in which buttons are strategically being pushed to trigger emotions for a specific purpose. I know the game and the game can be conquered easily if you use the right playbook. We have to protect ourselves.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Double T I love you like a sister from another mother, but please take it from me, don’t air it out on your blog. It has the potential to get very expensive, you know I know I this first hand. I know writing is personal therapy…………hell my blog is the only thing that kept me sane in 2014-2015 when I was in the muck, it also cost me what little (if any chance) I had of getting custody of my daughter. I just don’t want to see you end up in court over dumb stuff. Judges/Lawyers are stupid when it comes to blogging-writing. I’m telling you this as a friend, confidant, and custody battle survivor. Stay strong, believe me, stay strong, Munch will see through the b.s., material things don’t mean crap at that age! Love, more love, and trust me Munch will see who has his best interest at heart. I don’t mean to say his dad doesn’t love him (far from it) but after going through it first hand kids are resilient, they notice things, and they also eventually figure out what parent is looking out for them and what parent just wants to belittle the other. Sorry for the long comment, any time you need to vent, reach out, etc… please contact me!

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    1. Thanks Gary, but until the law or the courts can provide me with peace, I wanted to share what I’m dealing with. This is a high conflict ex who thrives on sending repeated emails disguised as concerns for his son. His email was printed and legally when he sent it, became my property. If he didn’t want me sharing it then he shouldn’t have sent it. Your words become evidence and my property when shared. What he did was bullying, battering and belittling me. It was like he raped me all over again with his vicious words. But, he’s a man right? No one gets to insult me by using my rape and molestation against me. I have every right to show people the verbal abuse that I’m dealing with. Again, the courts need to tell him to leave me the hell alone. Other than that, I’m exposing the sick BS that I deal with. I understand your concern and everyone keeps telling me that Munch will learn and understand one day, but I shouldn’t be forced to have deal with BS from my ex-husband that is abusive and offensive. Not anymore.

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  10. I’m not sure what came from your side, but your ex seems to be petty/immature and insensitive. He may really have genuine concern for your health and you (seemingly) projecting anxiety onto your son. Maybe he’s just a jerk. Or both.

    Is there a way to have a sit-down and just discuss your problems and concerns? Is there any route to take where the hate will dissipate and you can just talk as parents, not ex spouses or lovers?

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  11. I honestly feel like I am going to throw up. Reading what he wrote makes me want to throw up. That any man would use what has happened to you to revictimize you by saying you are somehow USING that to hurt your own child….it makes me sick. EVERY MOTHER TAKES HER SON TO THE BATHROOM BECAUSE THEIR ARE CHILD MOLESTERS IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!!!!! It happens. Every single day.
    You are being a good mother. Don’t EVER question that. You have every right to be angry. I am furious for you. How dare him. What a horrid human being. I am so so sorry you have to deal with him. Please don’t change your parenting because of anything he is saying. You are an excellent mother and protecting your son like a mother should do.

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  12. Ps there is no your side his side. This man has verbally attacked you and put you down and insulted you. What he has done is abusive and unacceptable! NOONE gets to use your being raped against you! No one!

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    1. Thank you Michelle. I had to take some time to decompress from the drama. It’s sickening and I don’t trust anyone that can’t control her spouse. The thing is that I would never be with Mr. C if he talked to a woman like that. Why? Because as much as I love this man, I would know that this man is not of God and spews hate at a woman that bore his child what would he do to me? A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. God has been me strength and refuge during this horrible ordeal. He’s kept me from worse so I know that he will do as he needs to in this situation. Please pray for us Michelle.

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  15. Pingback: Surviving the BS – Part 2 – A Thomas Point of View

  16. Reading your email exchange, it felt like it was taken out of my own personal inbox, the tone and writing style of both of our ex’s are so similar that it gave me chills. I know exactly what you are talking about and feeling with this ongoing battle, sadly. I also try to go “no contact” as much as possible, it’s the only way to save my sanity and continue to be a good mom to my boys, but when you share children that are not grown it is almost impossible to keep a no contact promise to yourself.

    It also struck me as an unbelievable coincidence that your ex had remarried almost immediately – the same as mine, we haven’t even been divorced for a full year and he just remarried last month (and no, he wasn’t having an affair, just ask him!) These are men that are afraid to be alone, and need to feel in control at all times, no matter if it is at your expense, or the expense of your children. The parenting agreement we made was also done in good faith, or so I believed, only to find out that he was keeping a lot to himself, not really answering for his behavior or actions, until the final papers were signed – lying by omission is still lying. And in our case, he uses the parenting agreement only when it is convenient for him, managing to skim over it when it isn’t.

    I’ve often said that my ex and I do not “co-parent”, he “a la carte parents”. We never really co-parented for the last 18 years, why start now?

    I wish that I could give you some sage advice that would solve it all, but the only real solution will come once your son is fully grown and you no longer have to deal with this parenting crap. I’m fortunate in a way that my boys are older, and the light at the end of this tunnel is closer everyday, but the tunnel still has it’s dark corners and twists and turns nonetheless. Wishing you strength and love, you will persevere, and so will Munch with you in his corner. ❤

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    1. Thank you so much. I have often felt alone on this journey and believe me when I tell you that none of my friends have ever had to parent with this kind of BS. It’s exhausting and I just wish he would leave me alone. I know that in essence we will need to parallel parent and I know that his ass will continue to harass me until someone from the courts or the police tell him to leave me alone. Posting this BS was hard because I never talk about the crap that I endure with him. Until now. I can no longer be silent and I shouldn’t have too. Thank you for reading and offering words of encouragement. The fact that you’ve been there comforts me in knowing that I am not alone and I’m not crazy.

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  17. Pingback: Behold Your Beauty – #Love Yourself – A Thomas Point of View

  18. I am sorry you are having to go thru all this hardship. I know the powerless/helpless feeling harassment brings.

    From my point of view the issues between my mom and dad during my upbringing did damage me. As I matured I realized I could not look to them to help me with a lot of the baggage that THEY created. I had to look for resources outside of myself and family.

    It was HEARTBREAKING and at times still is. But I say all this to say that as Munch matures he will have that same freedom to seek out support, answers, therapy, healing just like I did. So all is not lost, and people are different. You have him in therapy now so that it’s a HUGE healing act happening in the present I believe. I never received therapy as a child.

    I’ve never raised a child but I chose to believe parents do the best they can w/ what they’ve God and trust God to fill in the rest and he does, dear sister HE DOES!

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    2. Thanks Maya. Yep He provides and that is my prayer every morning and every night. Lord protect my son send your angels to be an anointed fence around him and infuse in him a loving and clean heart a strong and powerful mind and a worshipping spirit. I’m trusting that. That’s all I can do in the midst of all of this is to continue to keep him covered in prayer. The enemy seeks to attack and I will draw closer to God.

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  19. So while I take a giant sip of my detox tea to try and digest all that I just read—I am not going to address the abusive nature of that which you highlighted, because it really ticked me. The ignorance; however, I will. Masculinity derives from the masculine. It is not your place as a mother to provide that—yes, you can reinforce it, but trips with you to the nail salon are not going to derail a child’s masculinity. On the other hand, the father is a son’s primary example of masculinity…and from what I’ve read that is lacking to feminine manipulative energy, ignorantly being encouraged or at least not being discouraged by said Cc’d wife. Once again, I’m sending you love Sis, along with hella prayers and meditations. ♥

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  20. Reading your post was a reminder to me how many single mothers deal with bad behaviour, abuse and disrespect from their ex partners, who very often do not play an active (much less ‘equal’) role in raising their kids. My own ex is not the worst in the world but he is absent in my sons’ lives except for a few hours on a Sunday and refuses to have them sleep over at his place except when it suits him. He barely pays a cent in costs. He knows nothing about their education and has no interest. He has denounced all accountability as a father. So what’s new? The more I open my eyes, the more I see this all around us, no matter which country we live in. All we can do as mothers bearing the brunt of parenting is to try not to let their intimidation or harassment affect us. I agree with your wonderful messages of support. Stay strong sister.

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    1. Thank you so much and yes, you are right when you say “All we can do as mothers bearing the brunt of parenting is to try not to let their intimidation or harassment affect us.” We have no choice but to stay strong for our children.

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