Recently, I had a conversation about interracial dating with a group of women (and some men). This group was predominantly black (or of African descent), mixed with women and men from other races as well.
I asked them,
“Are you open to other races? Have you always been? What made you open up your options?”
Some of the responses were startling
“I prefer chocolate men but with the shortage of black men, I may have to explore other options.”
Really, I hadn’t realized that black men had gone the way of the Siberian Tiger. Needless to say, there are a lot of black women who have bought into the hype that good black men are becoming extinct. This is very disheartening.
Even worse is this response from another black woman.
“Before I wasn’t. Now I am. I only changed my mind because there are very limited good options in the black community…..I used to say I want to be with somebody who understands us and our struggle; however, I now realize that also comes with lots of trauma and negative energy too sometimes. I’ll pass.”
So you’ll pass on black men, and date interracial because of your choices in men? I find that some women and men, “switch-up-the-program,” because of their negative experience with a handful of people. As a result, this lack of accountability mutates into misguided anger and resentment for black men, or women overall.
My real issue with interracial dating
Overall, my take-away was that most of the women (and men) are open to interracial dating. A lot of them are currently in interracial relationships, others preferred to stick to their own race, and some just interracial date for all the wrong reasons.
I was stunned when some of the responses stated that African-American (AA) men did not treat them right, and that they come with, “emotional issues,” “trauma,” “instability,” and that white men treated them better, and don’t come with this issues.
Finding success on the other side is one thing. Downing your own race [because] you found success within another race of people is another. This is the rough underbelly of the interracial dating and relationship beast that I always find detestable.
When a person (man or woman) tells me that they date white because of the experience with their own race was less successful, that tells me that you chose someone based on their race (white), not because you simply fell in love with them. I’m a firm believer that love doesn’t have a color, and that people should choose based on compatibility, and symmetry—not color.
When you switch-up-the-program because you believe another race of men (or women) is better, or less dramatic, you are selling out your own race. No race of people is better than the other. Some [people] are just more compatible with you than others. Drama, cheating, lying, and abuse are colorblind—they come in all shades and complexions.
How would you feel?
If someone chose you because they believed your color was more successful, or less dramatic? Even worse, they chose you because they wanted, “pretty babies,” or a man with with a big, “stick,” because white men are small. Even better, “white women are more laid back and know how to treat a man.” I’ve even heard that, “White men are more sophisticated and refined than black men.” I personally would want no part of a woman that chose me based on a stereotype or stigma.
“I’m done with black men.”
This is coming from a black woman that does not date black men any longer, and now exclusively dates white men.
I asked her, what made you change to dating white men exclusively? She said that she didn’t switch-it-up because she thought they (white men) were better. Based on the information she provided me… I completely disagreed…she choose them because she thought they were better than the black men she previously chose.
“One: I think they are more fun. Two: I find the ones I like attractive. Three: they are less inhibited. Four: they do seem to treat ‘me’ better and find me more attractive.”
We debated for an hour about the, “less inhibited and treat me better” portion alone.
This seems like a problem with her choices in men, and being accountable for those choices” Instead, blaming an entire race of men for your relationship woes.
But I digress…
Ladies and gentlemen
Love is colorblind, unfortunately people are not.
Never use color, stigma, stereotypes, or your bad experiences with your own race to justify why you chose interracial dating.
A Thomas Point of View 
When you say interracial dating are we not including Hispanics and others? Or is this just pertaining to black and white people?
I agree with what you are saying date because you love them or whatever not because you need to put down another race to justify why you don’t date your face.
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In this case… I didn’t specify a race. The black women and men involved just defaulted to white. The white men and women defaulted to black. Interesting to say the least. Not one other race was mentioned.
That being said, a few did post photos of their current interracial relationship and I saw other races outside black and white.
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An interesting read. Love should not be about race or color.
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No it should not. Love who you love.
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I’m all for women and men of all colors to be with whomever they chose/love. It’s about the content of a person’s character, not color. As it pertains to the increase I see around me of Black women (specifically) “widening” their circle of dating options, I applaud them.
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Thanks for commenting Marquessa.
I agree. Men and women should love who they want. Even if it’s their own race.
We should also impart that in our children. But… if they want to stay with their own race … there’s nothing wrong or racist about that. It’s a preference.
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Definitely agree with nothing wrong with staying in one’s own race if that is a person’s preference.
I’m just glad to see (Black) women looking beyond “preference” and focusing on a man who will love, protect and provide for her just as she would to do for him.
Looking forward to following your posts and these types of discussions!
Cheers!
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Good article. Everyone has biases and playing a little devil’s advocate I’d be interested to know how many able-bodied people would date a person with disabilities? We can always talk about race, religion, cultural background, etc. however, the topic of disabilities seldom comes up. Just curious.
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That’s a good question Steph. I’m sure if we drill down and ask… most people would say, “It depends on the disability.”
A friend of mine married someone who is in a wheelchair. She loved him… that’s all. It was that simple.
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Yes! “She loved him…that’s all.” She is a person who sees to the heart of an individual. Everything else is irrelevant.
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Character, compatibility and chemistry. Those are the three C’s I’m concerned about the most.
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Amen!
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As a kid, I was forbidden to date anyone other then white boys. Extra credit if they were Italian. Now that I have sons, I don’t care who they date as long as they don’t bring home jerks. Jerks can keep walking. Great post!
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That’s great tutelage. Kids truly are innocent and pure until we taint them with bad parenting. They’ll grow up liking whoever they like vs a certain color. I teach my sons the same way.
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Well said! I just hope my sons find love with someone someday.
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Don’t hope… know that they will😉
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Thank you and thank you for following my blog! I really appreciate it! I hope I can make you laugh!
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No problem! From what I’ve seen so far… it looks good.
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Sweet!
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“Never use color, stigma, stereotypes, or your bad experiences with your own race to justify why you chose interracial dating.” THANK YOU!!
Whenever I hear a black man try and justify why he’s dating outside his race by downing black women I roll my eyes til I need Visine. Like bro we don’t care, date who you want to date just don’t down black women in the process. “I date white women because black women are too aggressive, I date white women because black women don’t listen, I date white women because black women nag too much, blah blah blah” STOPPPPP!
At the end of the day not only are statements like that disrespectful to black women but you’re making white women feel like they’re a second choice as if you wouldn’t even be dating them if black women “acted right”
Great post!
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Thank you for commenting. This is truly how I feel. There’s is nothing wrong with interracial dating, just make sure you do it organically. I also believe that the men who say these things about black women truly have no understanding of self or the reasons why they were successful with women (in general). I also agree… if I was a white woman, I’d feel insulted.
True story… all of the white women I know do not tolerate the black men who bash their own women.
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I must admit I too had a moment where I decided to avoid dating a certain type because of how crappy the first few so called Christian men acted. I know that might not be the same as basing it off race but it makes me wonder if I would had become one of those people avoiding certain races just because I found a few bad ones. Reading stories like this really do open up my mind to how bias I can be and not realize it.
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I definitely understand what you’re saying here. We all have our personal biases. The key is identifying them and taking action. In this case, denigrating your own race while choosing another is a form of self-hate. In your case, it’s similar, but based on your comment, it doesn’t look like you’ve given up on Christian men, and you’re definitely not bashing them.
A few bad apples does not ruin the whole bunch. Just throw those apples away and keep digging.
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I def fell into the “I’m done with black men” trap due to my experiences. I had to realize a man will treat you whatever way he wants regardless of his race or color.
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Hi Carissa! You are 100% right. Color doesn’t matter. It never has. If you talk to women of other races, their stories are probably the same as yours.
Sometimes we live in a bubble and believe “we” only go through certain things, or that certain issues are isolated to our race. But they’re not. Not even a little bit.
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Ha! I must say I had no idea where you were going based on the title. However, I’m glad I read. I definitely agree. I tell people ALL THE TIME not to date interracially because
1.you feel like you are running low on options from your own race
2.just so your kids will have certain features
3.because you feel like you will level up if you date out
4.because you have issues with your own ethnicity (similar to #3)
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The title has gotten a few people (haha) but I’m glad you read. Couldn’t have said it better myself 1-4. Other than what I described, love who you love.
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I have had this question posed to me a few times. I do believe that we are all from the same planet and we are of the same species. Our differences are due to our environment. Yet society dictates for many to wear a mask. When in Rome do as the Romans. Thus when you don’t you are penalised and thought to be lesser but not subscribing to the general consensus. I am free (since the abolishing of slavery and I can choose).
Someone once asked me do I like Black Women or White women? My answer was and still is that I like and love all women.
My answer is thus: There is only one race, the human race, therefore interracial is only a construct devised to keep people apart.
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Sorry for the delay. Your comment went into spam. Great answer. Date who makes you happy. I just don’t find value who exclude themselves from dating people that look like them.
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I was unsure how to feel about this post due to the headline so I read through.
I do have to say my absolute favorite line is, “Love is colorblind, people are not” and that is so true.
When entering any sort of relation with a person I honestly never take their skin color into account as I was raised in a household with a parent of each color, so I’ve never been to mindful of these things.
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I am glad you gave this blog a chance. I’m also glad you let your heart decide, not your eyes. If only everyone thought this way, you’d see a different society in which we live.
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Wow, such a powerful blog. One I never thought about. I was brought up in a white neighborhood and taught to love and respect all; that is, until I married out of my religion. Having survived all that drama, I feel one should date whomever they feel comfortable with and truly connect with. I raised my children to love and respect all and support them in their choices – we all want to be happy no matter the reason behind those choices.
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You know… I agree. After all the dating, lies, dishonesty, broken hearts, and lost love… It shouldn’t matter what their color, Creed or race is. All that matters is the connection. Passing that up because they don’t look like you seems illogical.
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“I’m a firm believer that love doesn’t have a color, and that people should choose based on compatibility, and symmetry—not color.” That’s should settle this!
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