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Marriage Isn’t For Everyone

Tikeetha TMby
42 Comments on Marriage Isn’t For Everyone

I have a confession.

Ugh!

I don’t know how to really say it.

Saying it out loud scares me.

But, we’re friends right?

I can trust you with this confession.

Okay, here goes…

I don’t know if I want to get married again.

Whew!

I said it.

I’m scared though.

What does that mean for my relationship with Mr. C? We’re planning our lives together. To be united as man and wife. To love without limits and live together legally. In God’s eyes. In man’s eyes. But, I don’t know if I want that anymore.

Not that I don’t want him. I love him. I want him. I literally thank God every day for the love this man has given me and continues to give me, but I have such negative thoughts about marriage. My last marriage left a horrific metallic taste in my mouth.

It felt like a sham. The fact that we still have to communicate for the sake of Munch reminds me of how horrible someone can change when love just doesn’t reside there anymore. I don’t want that with Mr. C. That’s what scares me.

I know he’s not my ex. He’s different. Completely different. But, marriage. Marriage changes people. Divorce changes people. Children change people.

Sometimes for the good. Sometimes for the bad.

Mr. C told me the other day that he wanted us to adopt. A little girl. A six year old girl after we got married. I laughed.

I later had a panic attack. I can’t do this. I can’t raise a child and go through a horrible custody battle if we don’t work out. I don’t want to divide up assets or create a shared custody schedule. I can’t put another child through the pain that I’ve already put Munch through.

I thought we had agreed to no more children. Hell, I almost cried when the doctor told me that my ovaries are acting 15 years younger than I am. What the hell? I don’t want anymore children.

Sigh.

It’s true.

Not now.

Not ever.

In a perfect world – I wish that my man and I can live and raise our children together. That we will laugh and love until we tire of each other. If we don’t ever tire, I pray that we shall grow old and gray and thankful that God gave us each other.

Not legally bound.

But spiritually.

Is there something wrong with that wish?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

42 comments

  1. Wow. That’s a challenging situation. But having concerns is normal, isn’t it? I’ve always admired how, this time around, you wanted to be courted and that doesn’t necessarily mean marriage and children, right? You are a wise woman with her priorities straight who will figure it out. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks sis. I’m hoping it’s normal. LOL my therapist said we’ll explore in my next session. He has courted me. He and I have an incredible loving relationship, but is marriage always the end goal? That’s what I struggle with. Why are we forced to believe that’s what we have to want?

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  3. I’m older than you but those were always my feelings after my divorce. I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me you loved me. Especially when that piece of paper meant nothing if or when a relationship ended.

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  4. Nope, nothing wrong with that at all. I married twice and got engaged another 3 times between and after…5 hopeful is my middle name. but now my middle name ‘no thanks’. But there are days when I see a happily married couple who after 30 or 50 years still laugh together and hold hands…and a tiny twinge tweaks my heart. But I know I am not cut out for marriage. I haven’t dated now for 14 years and I’m okay with that. Perhaps you two can come to an arrangement whereby you don’t actually get married but share your lives together happily anyway. As for adopting, from a family where we have adoption both a sister and a brother’s two eldest, I can say with authority that it’s a huge undertaking and unless you’re both absolutely without a doubt 100% totally into the idea…then don’t. Adoption can be the most amazing and life-changing event for all parties, but it can also be hell on earth. If we could only adopt and love and that’s enough for the child, then brilliant, but most adopted children come with huge issues and it a requires rock solid foundation. From what I’ve read of your life and your values, I think you’d make an awesome parent for some adopted child, but if you have even the smallest doubt, then maybe not. But that’s just my experience. You’ll know….good luck. xxx love your openness as always

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    1. Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your comment. You’re right….I love children and he’s a great father but we have to both be on the same page with a rock solid foundation because it is a huge undertaking. That child will essentially be a priority and with my son having his own set of issues, I don’t know if that’s something I want to take on ever. He seemed to understand. I love children and I’m not against maybe someday being a foster parent but I got a lot going on right now and I just want us to adjust that our normal may be us loving each other and living together without marriage.

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  7. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not getting married again. I haven’t been married before myself. We’ve talked about it but I’m not expecting it anymore. Lol. I’m not sure if that makes sense. I want to get married but I don’t know when. It’s annoying when people keep asking me when are you getting married? When are you having another baby? It’s my life! Lol.

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  9. Thanks for sharing, being so honest, and truthful. It’s difficult to admit those feelings, but I think it’s totally normal. My story is too long to type here and this isn’t about me, but I felt the same way at one time in my life. I didn’t get married until I was mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically ready; and if my partner was understanding and still there when I was ready, then Godspeed! So, it makes sense and is okay. Take your time and continue healing while growing. Good luck 😊

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  11. I see nothing wrong with your wish. So many people go through with things they don’t want simply because it’s presented to them. It’s refreshing to hear that you are honest enough with yourself and to share that maybe marriage #2 isn’t that appealing; there are many avenues to grow in love together.

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  12. Pingback: I Don’t Want That – A Thomas Point of View

  13. I’m happily married, never been divorced, and I know what you mean. I wouldn’t marry again either. I think it’s a made up social construct that we’ve all bought into. Of course you can live with Mr. C FOREVER and still be happy. I’m not sure about the baby girl adoption part though. That’s an interesting twist.

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    1. LOL. I know right? He threw me a curve ball with that one. I love the heck out of this man but we agreed no more children and adoption is getting more children. He understands. I tell every one that he really brings out the best in me and that I am thankful for his presence in my life.

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  14. This is so hard and something I struggled with after my divorce. I guess as you continue along, consider that God created marriage for safety and joy. It can be that way too. Marriage might feel like the villain, but maybe not. Be strong and whatever your future holds, know you are loved.

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  15. Love is an amazing emotion. I always think about 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 which mentions that “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love never fails.” With your past experiences it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to get married. Marriage is unpredictable and you never know what will happen in the future, but don’t let past experiences rob you of joy. Marriage is a beautiful sacred arrangement and in God’s eyes is necessary for a union to be blessed. Remember, love endures all things and never fails.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I haven’t completely ruled it out. I guess I want more time to have that Corinthians 13:4-8 type of love shown in our relationship. He’s amazing, but we’ve never had any real issues. How we handle those will definitely predict the future.

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  16. I am going through a rough time in my marriage and I know that if I divorse I would not want to be married again. I would recommend to be honest with your new love and hopefully he understands your point of view! Great blog! Be honest to yourself.

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  18. Pingback: Marriage Isn’t For Everyone – A Thomas Point of View – To Julia on her 40th Birthday

  19. There’s nothing wrong with wishing for a marriage that will last. Nothing at all! That’s what I always dream of. But to make love remain, it takes work. It takes sacrifice– sometimes when the other party doesn’t want to. It takes finding out what their love language is and speaking to them in that language. Its about serving without expecting anything in return. And those are some of the hardest things because we as humans are selfish people. We want to be served. God’s way of women submitting and honoring (Although it is hard!!!) and husbands loving is the perfect model for marriage. 🙂 I hope that you and Mr. C can work everything out and have a marriage that will last a lifetime! Wish you all the best!

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  20. I too am in a phase of letting go the “world’s” viewpoint of a person’s dreams. Marriage. I love the sanctity of it, the honor it brings to love, life and God.Twelve years after my divorce I have yet to meet a man who thinks the way I do nor believes in the work required in maintaining a relationship, let alone a marriage. Yet, I still believe marriage is not an end result but an evolving place of growing together. The preconceptions I am learning to let go of is (1.)waiting for the right person (I’m celibate but I no longer believe my celibacy is what will attract my partner); (2) “You attract what you are” so bogus…lol. (3) Your’e not obedient to God’s way, not living right…perfection is not required for prosperity.

    What I am learning about myself: I’ve conditioned myself to “not do”, branch out my norm due to past experiences and fear. Its a tremendous growth process—self acceptance and self-love. Ms. Tikeetha, YOU are allowed to live your best life according to your dreams. Live it beautiful. Remain Kind.

    God’s best to you!

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