Last week, in my post Marriage Isn’t For Everyone I told you that I’m freaking out because I’m not sure that I want to get married again. EVER. Not that I’m unsure about Mr. C.
He’s actually the only thing that I’m positive about when it comes to imagining my future. He’s the known. It’s the unknown that scares me.
In that, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety around our future. Last week we had a conversation and I shared with him how I was unsure of whether or not I wanted marriage again and asked could he be okay with that. I explained that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I didn’t know if I was the marrying type.
I told him that we’d essentially been there and done that and I asked would he be willing to be with me and live with me at some point with no prospect of marriage. He paused. He always pauses when asked deep and introspective questions, but this pause seemed to drag on for eternity.
He asked “What will we tell Munch?” I responded “The truth. That families come in all different forms and that we are a family and the love we have for each other supersedes. I’ll tell him that we love each other and maybe we’ll get married some day, but at this point, I don’t want too. I want to live and build a home and a family with you.” He asked could he get 24 hours to think about it. I agreed.
We resumed our conversation and he said that he could accept that I may never want to marry one day. He wanted to know would it be one-sided. Basically, if I woke up one day and said “Hey, let’s get married now and he didn’t want too would I be okay with that.” I paused. I hadn’t thought about that. I assumed that he would be okay with a “Hey, let’s get married now announcement.” But was it really fair? No. So, I told him “Yeah, I have no choice. It’s both of us. It’s about our family and our legacy.” He said he was fine with it.
I didn’t know if I believed him or not. I gave him a lot of information to process. I prayed that he understood that I loved him, wanted to be with him, raise my son with him and grow old. However, the male ego is precious and I didn’t know if my declaration about not wanting marriage would roar it’s ugly head in another way. Was I really being fair to him if we wanted two different things?
– To Be Continued –
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A Thomas Point of View 
I love this. After 14years I’m not sure marriage is something I’d ever do again only because it’s a hassle to get out of.
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Yes, Lord. If I knew what I know now, I would have never gotten married.
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Marriage changes people. Divorce changes people. Children change people.
I will not be having children again, and it’s very likely I will never want to marry again. I told my girl so at the very beginning of our relationship. She still gets upset at the notion and asks if I will ever just consider it. The notion that another woman got all of that from me and I refuse to give it again, despite my love, just crushes her sometimes. I would certainly accept a ceremony and public announcement of committed love. But, signing that government document to bind our financial identities in the eyes of Uncle Sam? It just opens the door to the green eyed monster, in my opinion. Tax return spending is a bullet wound in a marriage, imo. That’s just the start. Wait until there’s an argument and someone has to try too hard for a logical response, so they go for the, “But, you’re *my* spouse.” As if there was some clause of indentured servitude somewhere in the marriage vows that submits you to their will.
Nah. Besides marriage and kids, you know, -people- just change sometimes. What if my partner becomes someone I no longer enjoy being with? What if I become someone she doesn’t want to be with?
Forgive me for this, but. . .
IT’S NOT FAIR ON ANYONE TO MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO LEAVE AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. PERIOD!
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Agreed. I never thought that I would be there, but I am and I think that people can love each other in a public way without being legal. They can grow old, marry and live lives until they tire of each other or until death. I definitely don’t want anymore children.
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I think it was so good that you were open and discussed it! You never know how you will feel or him as well. Life changes and so glad you have this love!
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Thank you. He’s pretty darn amazing. I’m just thankful God sent him my way.
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So awesome
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His question surprised me….about the vise versa thing. I don’t think I would have thought of that or maybe I would have. I think as long as both of you are being open and honest about your future and your feelings for each other, things will work out the way they’re supposed to. 🙂
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It surprised me too sis. I was like “Huh?” But, I guess in all honesty he has a right to feel that way.
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Marriage is a simple piece of paper. It’s a legal contract Nd a governmental recognition of a relationship. You may change your mind about it out of convenience one day, but even if you never do it doesn’t affect the love you have for each other. Good luck to you both.
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Thanks so much!
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Sissssssssssss! I love this post and am so saddened by it all in the same read—I still love that you can perplex me so with your contemplations eh! Lolz that acknowledged, marriage, as you know, is about hearts intertwining and dancing together— not all the silliness of documentation and hoopla like Mistyjo said up there… Marry the man if he is the love you have been waiting for—a simple confession, a vow of your love with only you, Mr. C and Munch for accountability and witness would suffice, no need for corporate certificates, judges, officiants, prying eyes or even those who won’t be there to wipe your tears if ever they should fall. That is indeed what Frank and I did—and we know we a stronger for it. We aren’t bonded together for fear of a long-suffered divorce, we have our vows and obligations that we set together and our closest loves to keep us focused on why we exchanged rings—nothing more, nothing less. Marriage for me began at I want to be with you forever … ♥ Always rooting for you Sis!
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Thank you. We may do that. I’ll suggest it.
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♥ ♥ ♥
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In my neck of the woods, most couples don’t bother. As the older folks would say, “shacking up is the thing”. Even when you do get married, women keep their name and if you want to change it, you’ve got to pay. All that to say is to marry or not marry has its benefits and disadvantages. A long-term committed exclusive relationship is just as good for some.
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