Too Scared to Jump

In yesterday’s post entitled I Don’t Want That, I told you that I didn’t think I ever wanted to get married again and I knew that I loved Mr. C.  I was confused because I knew what I thought we wanted, but I was hesitating. I thought that we wanted forever. But, was that reality? Could I still have that and not be willing to compromise my belief about being a wife again? I was unsure and I still had some more declarations to make.

I told him that I didn’t want to adopt any children. I stayed firm that the little six year old girl he wanted us to adopt wasn’t going to happen. At least not with me. I didn’t want anymore children. The custody battle has taken a toll on me and I didn’t want to bear or raise any more children other than the ones we bring into a relationship.

I reminded him that we agreed to raise our boys and adoption wasn’t mentioned. I explained that I respected that his opinion may have changed and if he wanted to break-up then I would understand. He laughed and said “That was before you decided you didn’t want to marry me. I’m not bringing a child into an unmarried home. It’s okay.” I sighed. “Thank God.” He said “It’s like you’re always trying to break up with me.”

“No.” I firmly stated. I would never want this love to end. It provides some of the best nourishment for my soul. It does. I’ve met the man that my soul longs for.

But, this man never seems to surprise me. A couple of nights later we were talking about a house deal that he was considering and then he asked me “Are you going to buy a house with me?” I stuttered “Umm, yeah”. I got off the phone and called my best friend. I was freaking out now.

She laughed at me and told me to tell him how I feel. Share with him my thoughts and insecurities. I did. I called him back and said “Yes, someday, but there were still some relationship milestones that I wanted to achieve before we lived together – the main one Munch.”

I needed him to develop his relationship with my son first and foremost. I needed him and Munch to truly know each other before we lived together as I was a package deal. This child of mine mattered more to me than anything in the world and although he really liked Mr. C, he didn’t know him. I accept my role in that.

I actually slow walked that greeting and even alone time. I just announced a couple of months ago that they could hang out without me. Yes, it’s true. We’ve been dating for over two years and I was just now ready for them to spend some time alone without me.

I needed to be sure. Sure that he understood how much I loved him, but sure that he understood that my priority to my son was of utmost importance. He understood.

The thing is though, I think that his feelings were hurt. We had dinner last week and I was sitting there smiling and holding his hands and telling him how much I missed him. He responded “Yeah, cause you told me that you didn’t want to marry me or buy a house with me.”

I knew then that I had hurt his feelings. I told him how I felt and we’ve since worked it out. He understands now. I never wanted to hurt his feelings, but I knew that I still had some work to do on me.

I am working on me. I’m working on us. Good, bad or indifferent this is where I find myself. Standing on the mountain top with the man I love – afraid to take the jump.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.