2018 advice children parenting relationships

Mom You Lied

Tikeetha TMby
19 Comments on Mom You Lied

This past weekend, Munch and I went out shopping on Saturday for new church clothes. Later that evening Munch came in my room and asked me could he talk to me privately. I said “Sure.” I have to tell you that I was really proud that he closed the door and asked me to talk privately. I eagerly awaited what he had to say.

“Mom, I felt like you lied to me today” he said. I was caught off guard. “About what Munch? Why do you feel like I lied to you today?” He said “About the store earlier. You said it wasn’t going to take long and we waited in line for a long time.” I had to catch myself. I was ready to say something smart, but I’m practicing the behavior that I want him to emulate so I said “Munch, do I work at that store?” He replied “No.” I then asked “How do you define a long time?” He didn’t respond. I continued “I had to wait in the same line and they had every register open. But, I am asking you to remember that God wants us to be patient and what you are exhibiting is your frustration at the fact that we had to wait. Wait in line while picking up clothes for you. Remember that you must have an attitude of gratitude all the time and right now, you’re not being gratuitous. I didn’t lie. You didn’t have a realistic expectation as to the time it would take and neither did I.” I asked him was there anything else and said good night.

I almost lost it. I couldn’t believe that my child was blaming me for the long lines in the store. I didn’t know if I could continue down this positive parenting journey. It was stressful to reign in my emotions and then to try to explain how disappointed that I was without losing my mind. I did it, but sometimes I wonder if I’m even making sense to Munch.

I didn’t lie, but his interpretation of the fact that I said it shouldn’t take long had told his brain that I lied when he had to wait over a certain amount of time. I didn’t know what to do. I was literally making it up as I go along. I thought about it over the next couple of days and expressed to him that we needed to take the time to process what he said and his expectations. I explained that his expectations are his, but he needs to practice reasonableness. I discussed that because he’s in an awkward size in dress clothes that I need him to be present and that I try my best to shop without him, but that may not always be the case. He needs to be prepared that sometimes he will need to be present.

I don’t know if he understands. Talking to other people only increases my anxiety about my choices because they don’t understand what I’m doing on this positive parenting journey. I’m being firm but allowing him to have choices. To openly expresses his feelings, but to level set with him. I pray that I’m not messing him up.

 

 

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19 comments

  1. When I read this, I thought of that cartoon clip where the mom is just laying on the bed while for about a minute, the kid stands there and says, “mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mommy, mother, mother, mother…..” It’s like kids are on dog years while we are on human years. 5 minutes to us is 20 minutes to them and it makes me want to scream. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve barked, “chill, it’s only been a few minutes!”

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  2. I also do the same type of parenting. I actually write about it a lot. I try to level with my kid a lot of the time, which has had a great pay off in a short period of time. I understand the frustration that can come along with this type of parenting because you want to just throw your kid against the wall sometimes, but it is important to hear them out. I always sympathize with him. I have also had the same experience with him in stores, where he is frustrated with the time it takes, the lines, the decision making and all. I have anxiety so making simple decisions like what flavor oatmeal to buy completely vexes me at times. I have learned to include my kid in my decisions in the stores, which diverts his focus from impatience and non-gratitude (if that’s a word) to responsibility and hes empowered by the decisions that he is making. He has become my grocery list and his own personal stylist. Additionally, now that he is learning how to read and write, he actually writes the grocery list out. I love this post because it’s so transparent and so raw. Keep rolling with the punches and figuring it out along the way. Your kid will be grateful.

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  3. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I do think maybe you should also help him define “lying.” Saying you’ll be in and out isn’t a lie lol Also, I’m glad he is learning how to have a conversation without yelling, screaming, or cussing.

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    1. LOL. Me too sis. He showed so much maturity, but it is weird because in my family it would have been offensive to tell an adult they lied. In my parenting, you are free to express yourself without censorship, but I wasn’t prepared for his accusation.

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      1. lol who you telling girl? I wouldn’t be here today if I spoke to any adult the way my children speak, much less to tell someone they lied lol It’s a fine line teaching them how to express themselves without it coming off as disrespect. Kudos mama!

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    2. I agree with this. Also, I want to add that someone explained to me that just because children are reasonable and intelligent doesn’t mean they understand things on an adult level even if we want them to or explain it well. So I think it’s less important that he understand than that you feel good about your approach, which it sounds like you do. Over time, they’ll get it (whatever it is). I mean, my daughter had to move away before she could say, “Wow, now I finally understand what you told me about x.” They listen and hear us even if they don’t get it right away.

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      1. Thank you so much. I guess I never thought about whether or not he understood. I try to make sure he does, but what you’re saying makes sense. I truly appreciate your comment.

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  4. There are fine lines when raising children. Teaching them about honesty and integrity is a must but there are also the innocuous “little white lies.” They must also learn the difference in those…such as “is there a Santa Clause?” Of course there is, when they’re young. Do we lie? Yes we do.
    When they draw us a picture and we have absolutely no idea what it is, we tell them it’s the most beautiful thing we’ve ever seen. Do we lie? Yes we do.
    You told Munch that you would be in the store for very long. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a bit longer than anticipated. He called you a liar. This may simply be a misunderstanding of “time” itself. Good intentions that are squelched due to unforeseen circumstances can be differentiated between blatant lies and accidental lies.
    He showed remarkable maturity (albeit at the expense of your feelings) by approaching you about his feelings.
    I think as a mother, you are on the right track. And I think as a son, so is he.

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  6. We always pray that we are doing the right thing by our children. Your explanation was very good by the way, and I love that you revisited things when you thought more about. Often, we, as parents, say things and just let it ride whether we truly like our explanations or not. Way to go mom!

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