Is it love? That’s the question I was asking Sunday night. I don’t know. I don’t have the mental capacity to determine if it’s love. I’m more logical than romantic. More cynical than cliche. I’m just happy. I’m in strong like. I am just enjoying the moment. But, I did wonder after reading this Facebook post:
Sometimes you #grow #impatient waiting to hear #his “I love you,” when he shows you everyday. Because he #professes his #love in a #languagethat you won’t allow yourself to #learn, #you feel slighted and #suspicious. But he always makes sure you have what you #need. He makes sure you have gas in your car before you head home. He wants to know if you got home safely. He asks if you ate today. He never forgets to call and say, “Good Morning,” or text: ‘rise and shine #beautiful‘. He comes over to take care of you when you’re sick. He holds you when you’re weary. He listens when you worry. He leads you when you’re lost. So, what part of his “I love you” did you miss? Sometimes we are our biggest #obstacle, especially when we analyze the #life out of everything, #speak more than we #listen, and don’t learn to #recognize that #actions speak louder than #words. Ideally, he would say it and show it. But how many #men/#women do you know that speak the words, but with actions that fail to match? #ItHappens.#ILoveYou‘s come in their own time and what leads to that place will be evident way before his lips part to say the words. #Ijs… #DontBeDumb. His#care and #concern should be #prerequisites to your love #expectations or your want for a romantic #relationship.
-Kanika A. Vann
Author, Love: Possible
whether or not it if I’m in love. I mean how do you know if someone love’s you? In case you’re wondering, I’m talking about this situationship that I have with Mr. C. He hates that I call it that. He refers to it as a relationship. We haven’t really defined anything. We just exist in this state of bliss. It’s bliss. I’m happy. He’s happy. But, how long does that last?
Matters of the heart confuse me. I wasn’t successful in the last relationship that I had. I learned a lot of lessons. Mainly about me. But, I’ve vowed to protect my heart.
The other night on the phone, I said “I love you” as we were getting off the phone. It slipped out. I couldn’t believe that I let it slip. I wasn’t ready to say those words. I’ve never told a man that I love him first. So, what did I do? I did what any 41 year old woman caught off guard would do.
I said bye and hung up the phone on him. I then called my best friend and she laughed. She said “I knew that you loved him.” I asked her how? I didn’t even know. She said “In the way that you speak about him. The way that you express how he makes you feel. It’s different. I can’t explain it really. But, it’s different.”
I sighed. So, it wasn’t just a Freudian slip. Could I be in love? Ugh! My best friend just laughed. Mr. C. sent me a text saying Really? It’s Okay. I was ashamed. Ashamed that I let myself feel the moment in this undefined situation and let my guard down. I couldn’t take it back.
My best friend just laughed. “Maybe he won’t say anything. Maybe he won’t mention it” she said. I told her to stop laughing at me and that he’s not the type to let something go. He’ll mention it.
I didn’t know how to handle it. I was going to have to address it with him. More importantly. I was going to have to address my feelings. I was going to have to do some self-reflection and accept that there was some truthfulness to my statement. That my heart was doing this weird dance.
That I was falling.
Falling in love.
Dammit, I was in love.
I was in love with this man. This man who shows me with his actions that he loved me too. That I wasn’t alone in this situation that is causing me angst. He tells me every time he holds my hand or calls me to say good morning. Every time he tells me that my voice needs to be the last one that he hears before he goes to sleep. He tells me when he makes sure to see me in between Munch’s tutoring sessions.
Or when he makes plans with me. He’s imagining a future and I’m in it. It’s both comforting and scary. I’m scared. Scared of the inevitable. Scared of the possibilities. The last time I said I love you aloud was to my ex-husband. That was almost 4 years ago.
Yes, I like him. I value him. I respect him. I’m crushing on him. I like his smile. I like his spirit. He knows that I am dating for a purpose. He is in alignment with my spirit. He is just a wonderful human being that appreciates and accepts me for who I am and in case you’re wondering…nope, I’m not dropping it like it’s hot. Not giving up anything other than my time and apparently my heart. He values both.
Guess what folks? I’m in love.
Let’s see where this goes.