Today is the first day of March. It’s a new month. Time to create micro goals and get to moving. You are now in the third month of 2017 and are you doing what you love? Are you doing what you want? Are you making the changes that you said you would? It’s not to late. Let’s make it happen.
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Last week I was reading to Mr. C what I need when I say quality time in the 5 Love Languages book. There’s a couple of paragraphs about the Babbling Brook (one that talks all the time) and the Dead Sea (the one that rarely talks) and how they usually end up together and in the dating stage both really like each other. Why? Because the Dead Sea doesn’t talk and the Babbling Brook talks a lot.
Well, I’m the Babbling Brook folks. I’m in love with a Dead Sea kind of man. I told him that it makes sense because one of his requirements for women is that she talked more than him. He doesn’t really like to talk. He’s more introspective and definitely an introvert. This proves so frustrating now that we’re in a relationship.
Why? Because I need him to share. I need him to be more open and let me in. He’s a pretty good listener, but he’s like most men who don’t give much away. So, we sit on the phone and I will allow moments to past without speaking. Why? I’m trying to get this man to speak up.
Sometimes it works. Other times it doesn’t. When it doesn’t there are moments of silence. He thinks I’m pre-occupied. I want to engage him and encourage him to share. I told him that I need him to share more and he asked “So, you think I have a problem communicating?” I responded “No, I think you’re like most men where you have a problem sharing. I want to know you. What was your worst experience as a child? What was your best experience as a child.”
It’s a work in progress. He says he lived a boring life in comparison to mine. He grew up in a two parent home. I grew up in a single parent home. He’s the youngest of 4. I’m the oldest of 3. There are differences, but I think that makes it more interesting. I just want to find out more.
So, I’m going to slow down my mouth (the babbling brook that it is) and allow him to talk more. Encourage him to do so. Now, I just need to find some topics.
Munch is learning about Martin Luther King Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement in school. He was telling me about Martin Luther King Jr. and all the things he learned…
- he was a pastor
- he’s from Atlanta, Georgia
- he went to Morehouse (like his daddy)
- he delivered his I Have a Dream speech in Washington, DC
- he was assassinated
As he was talking he stopped and said “Mommy, Martin Luther King’s speech was about us living in harmony. People of all colors. He wanted us to get along. Like I get along with Noah and Emma. We’re all one.” I smiled. “Yeah, baby we’re all one people. We all matter.”
He then said “Even though Noah and Emma and I have different colors we are all important and need to learn how to get along. We all belong to God and Martin Luther King Jr. wanted all of us to be treated fairly.”
Yep, this kid is amazing. My son. He knew that his skin color was different than my girlfriend and her family. But, they don’t see color as a problem. They see it as different but perfectly normal. We all matter. We should all get along.
I have been blessed with some amazing friends throughout my life and I’m excited that in a time of turmoil that my son can see the bigger picture. His life matters. The life of his friends matter. We’re all apart of that big beautiful rainbow.
I was telling you in yesterday’s post some of my lessons learned about relationships. Mr. C and I are struggling with time management. Specifically, quality time. Here’s what happened when I discussed it with my therapist…
I was sharing with my therapist last week how I had only spent about an hour with him since the start of the new year. I told her that he had stopped by to give me my birthday gifts but we hadn’t spent any substantial time with each other. I told her that now that he’s sick, I have no idea when I’m going to see him. We were two weeks into the new year.
She listened. She said “Relationships are like flowers. You have to water them or they will die.” She explained that he would need to treat our relationship like a job. Schedule time on the calendar to get together. I told her that he wouldn’t do that because he said that I’m the type of person that would be disappointed if plans changed. She said “Good. I believe that if he hears your disappointment then he won’t want to disappoint you. He will make it happen.”
I sat there and thought about that. That’s what happened in my last marriage. We stopped watering each other’s flower. We died. We stopped caring if we disappointed each other. So what? We probably thought “Oh well, just deal with it.” I was too tired to play any role but room mate and friend. We both died from our choices.
I didn’t want that to happen with Mr. C. I am constantly choosing him each and every day and I needed to make sure that he was doing the same. That we were watering each other’s flowers and making the time to be in each other’s lives. I told him what my therapist said.
He listened and said he had to process. But, he made an effort to see me two days later. We went to lunch and that’s when we had the difficult conversation that I wrote about. He then tells me about an interview for a job within his organization but the hours would be 2pm to 10pm.
I sighed. I was never going to see him. He already switched his hours from 8:30 to 5pm to 10:30 to 7pm. He couldn’t stand the stress from the traffic. I got it. I understood. I chose to move to the other side of the county thereby creating a 45 minute drive between each other. However, I work a straight 9 am to 5pm job. I explained that as busy as I am that I still make spending time with him a priority. It was God, my family (including him) and my sorority. I guess I wondered where I fit in to his hierarchy structure.
How does he see me? Is it as simple as I laid out for him or a more convoluted explanation. I know I’m probably over thinking it. But, I am a person that thinks in terms of black and white. No areas of gray. I have a lot on my plate, but I am committed to nurturing and watering this relationship. But, I can’t water my own dang flower alone. He needs to water me more.
You are always expecting something for nothing. – NB
My best friend says this all the time to describe situations where people expect you to do things for them when they don’t reciprocate. It’s hilarious to hear her say it but so profound in it’s simplicity.
We all know folks that expect you to do things for them, but bad mouth you or disrespect you. They expect something for nothing. But, that’s not acceptable behavior for adults. We need to lose sight of our expectations and understand that in life you get nothing when you give nothing.
If you’re being a douche to people in your life and you expect people to show or give you respect and you can’t do that for them, then I need you to stop it. You are a being a something for nothing kind of person. Kinda like being a fuc* boy. Need help?
Here’s how you are expecting something for nothing:
- By not being respectful – It’s like that old adage “You catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.” If you are mean to people and you’re not being respectful, why would you think that someone should respect you? If you’ve insulted me then I should what?…continue to let you do so? Think about Trump and how he wants to be respected? How many people have you disrespected? Respect is earned.
- By not reciprocating – When someone does something nice for you, you need to reciprocate. Pay it forward. Let them know that you appreciate what was done for you and you want to show it back to them. For example…if someone buys your lunch one day, buy theirs the next day. Reciprocity shows that you have respect for what was done for you.
- By not remembering – How many times have you forgotten to do things or respond to people? If you are like me it’s probably a lot. I forget all the time. It’s nothing personal. I just have a million and one things going through my head and I forget to respond to people. But, I always try to remember when people do things for me. Why? Because they didn’t have too. I don’t expect something for nothing. I never forget what’s done for me. You need to remember that.
Don’t be a Something for Nothing Kind of Person. Please remember to be respectful, reciprocate and remember what others do for you. It’s genuine acts of kindness that we need not forget. It shows how grateful we are. Gratefulness is the foundation of who you should be.
Woohoo! I am at 1,000 WordPress followers. I can’t believe it. Ya’ll remember that it was in late September that I was excited to have made 800 WordPress followers. I’m now at 1,001 and received this notice…
What an amazing blessing! I never thought being on this blogging journey would yield this amazing result. I thank you so much for following me, liking my posts and interacting with me. This has been a journey and you are all valued and appreciated.
Never would I have imagined that I would meet such wonderful bloggers while just writing. Pouring out my heart and hoping that you can relate to me. I’m not the same person that I was last year. One year ago. I’ve changed so much.
It’s been scary, but you’ve been part of this journey. 2016 has been sweet and I can’t wait to keep pushing forward. I thank you a 1,000 times over.