Stop Rushing Me

Can I just say that I don’t understand what the rush is? I had my therapy session a couple of weeks ago and had two good things come out of it that I need to work on, but one of the things that came up was my relationship with Mr. C. My therapist wanted to know a little bit about him. Not much. She said we’ll delve into that in future sessions.

But, the first thing I said was “He’s wonderful. He’s kind. He’s patient. He’s smart. He allows me to grow into this space feeling safe and secure and doesn’t push me to do anything.” She laughed. I told her that we’d discussed marriage, but that I had explained that I needed a couple more years of dating and being his girlfriend before I wanted to take that walk down the aisle again.

I began to explain all the points that I mentioned to my friends in the last month:

  • Even though I was separated over 3 years, the ink just dried on my divorce papers.
  • I’m enjoying being a girlfriend. The longest that I’ve ever been a girlfriend is 1 year. I need about 3 years.
  • There are definitely things you have to do when you’re a wife that you don’t have to do being a girlfriend. I’m not ready to do those things.
  • We’ve both done this before so we’re in no rush.
  • I have goals and things that I want to accomplish prior to taking that walk down the aisle again.
  • We are both seeking God and not man’s opinion on what He believes we should do in regards to our future.

Yep, I’ve had to say those things to well-meaning friends who think that I should just jump back in the married category. Um, no! I love the fact that my friends think so highly of marriage that they want to see me in it, but why are you rushing me? He and I don’t want anymore children so my biological clock isn’t ticking and we just want to enjoy this state. Our way. In our time.

My therapist said that it is biblical that we get married after two years. One year of courting and getting to know each other and one year to prepare for that wedding. I told her that was whack! I said that he and I are seeking God individually and collectively for confirmation on anything with our relationship and not relying on man’s interpretation to decide what’s best.

I’m exasperated. I’ve been married and now I’m divorced. Let me love the man that God has sent and just enjoy getting to know him. I’m not alone in this package. Munch is with me and so is Mr. C’s son. We, have to take the journey in our time. So, why the rush?


Motivational Monday Moment – 10/24/16

Today’s Motivational Monday Moment is to L-O-V-E. Yep, I just want you to love more. Love who? Love God, love you and others more.

I was inspired to write about love because I attended the wedding of my former supervisor’s daughter. It was in the mountains and 6 hours from my house. Munch and I got up early Saturday morning and I drove the 6 hours to the wedding. Thankfully, the hotel let us check-in a little early so I could get some rest.

We arrived to the wedding literally 5 minutes before the start because I got lost. It was at a beautiful estate and it was outside with nature serving as the backdrop. We took our seats and the wedding got underway. The bride looked amazing. The groom was debonair and love was definitely in the air.

As I sat there with my Galaxy S7 taking photos (in between the prayers of course) I began to reflect on love. God’s love for me, my love for Munch, my love for my family and my friends, my love of self and my love of Mr. C. I began to realize that none of it would have been possible had God not loved me.

Follow me with my Motivational Monday Moment okay? I promise I won’t keep you too long.

God’s love is what I want to talk about first.  You see, I spent my whole life believing that God didn’t love me. That because of my sexual abuse and my dad’s desertion that somehow I was unlovable. That if man couldn’t love me…how could God?

The devil was taking advantage of my mind when God started to protect it. He got a hold of my mind and started blocking the devil. He blocked my suicide, he blocked any unwanted pregnancies, he blocked any diseases. He blocked it. I just didn’t know it.

I was too into the world and going through hell that I couldn’t realize how God was holding me. That my sanity and soberness was because God was protecting me. But, when I started to realize that I serve a mighty God, things started happening.

I started to realize that God has not forgotten me. That even when the world around me seems as though it is falling apart, I serve a mighty God. I serve a God of second, third and many more chances. A God whose love is unconditional.

That realization changed who I was. I started to have a greater relationship with my heavenly father and myself. Love didn’t seem so foreign to me. Love was priceless and I was worthy of God’s love.

We all are.

I couldn’t experience anything greater if I tried than knowing God’s love. Sure, I make mistakes. I stumble on my Christian journey often. But, I’m thankful for grace and mercy and God’s continued love.

God was definitely in the mountains on that brisk evening this past Saturday. He was in the cold breeze that nipped at our nose, in the prayer that the Reverend said over the couple and in the twilight where the couple had their first dance. God was and is the foundation of all love.



How Do You Define a Good Woman?

Growing up, I’ve always known about the Proverbs woman. She was thought of as a mysterious and unattainable goal. She was without a doubt perfect. But, we mere women could never be perfect. Even with all our achievements and our humble hearts we could never really be a Proverbs woman right?

In my posts about dating and men this week I asked the question of what is a good man. I wanted to be able to define what I think are some key characteristics of good men. I asked my male friends on Facebook to define what a good man is to them. They did and I was challenged by another blogger, Davina over at Davina Lyons to do the same with women.

I did.


Women didn’t respond. Now, I don’t know if it was because they didn’t see the post appear in their timeline or the fact that they didn’t want to answer and face ridicule, but I thought that I would try to define for both men and women some key characteristics of a good woman.

Let’s start with the ideal woman by many standards. The Proverbs woman. The Bible defines what a good wife should be in the book of Proverbs. That is why we call it the Proverbs woman. For sake of time, I will just tell you that she is perfect. We, mere women are not perfect. But, I want to break down some of her characteristics for you.

Proverbs 31:10-12 (NRSV)

A capable wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

Although the Proverbs woman is the wife, we are going to look at dating as a process of finding a wife to marry. So, in essence the woman that you are dating should have some key characteristics. She should be someone that you could see yourself marrying.

In the passage above she is defined as capable. Capable would be that she is skilled and competent. Let’s apply these in modern terms. She should have a job. Whether her job is to take care of the children or the home or go to work she is by all means capable to do something to make a man’s life easier. She is his partner.

“She is far more precious than jewels.” That means that her worth is more than jewels. The Hope Diamond, Bugatti or Warren Buffett’s billions can’t touch her. She is precious. How do you treat precious items? You take care of them.

“The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.” In layman terms she is never out here scheming on her husband. She is not unfaithful. She is loyal in deeds and actions so he has no reason to doubt that she is true and honest.

“She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” You see that huh? She’s not spiteful or malicious. She loves her husband and does him good all her life. How many of us get mad and take it out (whether fairly or not) on our spouses? It’s hard. Our tongues can be wicked.

The Proverbs woman is described in much more detail as someone who makes her own clothes, rises when it is dark to take care of the house, etc. She’s pretty amazing. But, if you know that you’re not the Proverbs woman but a good woman then you should definitely have some of these characteristics:

  • Loves God
  • Faithful 
  • Supportive
  • Follows her husband (i.e. submits because he’s being led by God)
  • Knows her worth
  • Takes care of herself (physically, mentally, spiritually and financially)
  • Is his help mate

So, there you have it. The details/characteristics of a good woman. This is by all means not an inclusive list. There are many more things to add. We all can’t be the “Proverbs woman” which seems impossible because she is exceptional, but being a good woman means knowing your worth and bringing more than a big booty and a smile to the table.

What a Man…What a Man

So, I posed this question on Facebook yesterday “What defines a good man?” because I wanted to see what some of the men thought. To sort of narrow down a definition of what a man believes is his role in dating and possible marriage.

Some of the comments were:

  • A good man is virtuous and does all he can to do good unto to those around him.

  • Man of God. Put his woman first also do all he can to provide and protect for his family.

  • A good man is a godly man that does his absolute best to care for his family and remain faithful.

  • A good man is only defined to what suit your needs…in my opinion he’s a man who lives and loves God, Independent man with his own house, car, and pays his own bills on time, a man who takes care of his children from the heart and steps up to a woman’s child or children.

  • Hardworking, grounded in the spirit, considerate and honest.

  • A good man is a man that puts God first then his family he eats after his family eats. A good man prays for his family. When he does not pray for himself. He provides for his family anyway possible! He does for others as well. What’s in the heart reaches the heart.

I’m not a man, but here are the characteristics that I believe are in the make-up of a good man…

  • Lover of God – He has to love God. 
  • Leader – He leads because he follows God and knows that is what his role is…to lead the family.
  • Strong – In spirit. He sees obstacles as something that are meant to be tackled. He will also protect you if need be.
  • Provider – He has to be able to support himself and any children individually then when we come together be able to do it collectively.
  • Supportive – Encourages a woman’s dreams or experiences. Nurtures her endeavors.
  • Thoughtful – Shows meaningful ways to make sure that you know that you are not alone that he is there loving and being there for you.

Do I believe the above list is impossible? Nope. Not at all. Why? Because God provided that in the man that I’m dating now. Mr. C is all of those things. Ya’ll just don’t know how I wake up every morning thanking God for His grace and mercy and allowing this man to love me. Love me in spite of my erratic thoughts or insecurities.

He’s not perfect. Neither am I. But, what we don’t do is lie to each other about what we really want. We never have. I didn’t make excuses for him and he was very up front about his salary a couple of months after we started dating. He wanted to know was he in my salary range. He was.

More important though is his desire to get to know me. To support me without expecting something in return. He was very encouraging when I was interviewing for my new job and he’s encouraging me now with another big endeavor. That unwavering belief in me warms my spirit. It makes me believe in the impossible.

I didn’t have to sacrifice my beliefs or values when we started dating. We are getting to know each other. It is a continuing process. Does he agree with everything I say or believe? Nope. But, he believes in what I believe is the definition of a good man.

Getting to know someone takes time. Real men don’t have a problem communicating whether or not they can afford to date and where they can go. They level set in the beginning. If they can’t afford Morton’s but can afford a Friday’s dinner and he tells you this up front, you have to decide can you accept that.

Honestly? I could. I could accept Friday’s over Morton’s if this man is fiscally responsible. But, these are conversations that you have when you get to know someone. I would guess this is a second or third date conversation starter.



My Relationship Status Doesn’t Validate My Opinion – Part II

This post is a continuation from yesterday’s post


Why are we lying to each other and saying that you must date a poor man in order to be happy? If you don’t have a man then you’ve somehow set your standards too high to find love? If he’s poor then he’s probably the one for you and you’re not giving him a chance.

The devil is a lie. I’m not down for no struggle love. Let’s be clear…this is specifically referring to dating. I’m not asking a man to take me to a Michelin starred restaurant, but it shouldn’t be out of the question for a special occasion such as an anniversary. I’m not against moderately priced outings. I’m pretty low key.

If a man makes $20,000 a year and is not in school, how is he providing for himself? Why aren’t you asking what his ambitions or dreams are? If he’s content working at McDonald’s with no dreams or aspirations of better, should you really be continuing down the path of poverty with this man?

That’s how women get d*ckmatized. We start spreading our legs and letting that good d*ck interfere with our judgement. Stop it sis! It’s not worth it. Trust me….I’ve been there and done that.

A good man isn’t defined by his bedroom skills. That is an added benefit of course, but if he’s that good, you need him to work the club scene/private escort scene to up his financial status and be able to provide for you. LOL.

Seriously though, I think that we need to stop deluding ourselves into believing that we could be happy dating someone who can’t afford to date you and you’re over 40. He doesn’t have to be rich because money doesn’t make a man but we need to be honest with our expectations and hold true to our beliefs. Struggle love at 40 is not cute. Want another visual? Your mama is 65, would you want her dating a man that became a financial burden on her and she’s close to retirement?


So, why would you settle? Are there other factors that will make a man more attractive? Yes, but how can you get to know those other factors without dating? I remember about 8 years ago, my girlfriend was filing her taxes with her husband. It had been a rough year financially for them, but they had a mortgage and 3 kids. They had to rob Peter to pay Paul because she was only making $40,000 at the time and she told me that her husband made $14,000 that year.

She literally wanted to cry. They were married. They made a combined income of $54,000 and couldn’t afford the basics…utilities, doctor’s co-pays and gas to get back and forth to work. That kind of poverty does something to you. It breaks you. It changes you in ways that you never imagined.

Her life was worse off than when she was single. But, she’s not an anamoly. Too many women are settling for the sake of saying that they have someone. It’s cool if that’s what you want, but stop trying to sell the rest of the world on the importance of love and happiness if you’re completely financing your dating life.

I have to say this for those that think that I’m being harsh…I’m not. I’m not desperate for love. I have standards and more importantly I’m raising a son. I’m not asking any man to do what I wouldn’t expect for my son to do. Okay.

I also believe in equality. Women should pay for some dates too. I pay for some dates with Mr. C and although he pays for 95% of our dates, I don’t mind footing the bill sometimes. However, I am a gift giver and he gets a lot of gifts from me because I know and appreciate the fact that he is paying the majority of the time.

Once you get past the 4th date ladies, you should definitely be paying. Make him know that you appreciate his efforts and you are a contributing partner in getting to know him. Show him you’re worth the effort and the money spent.


My Relationship Status Doesn’t Validate My Opinion – Part I

Ya’ll know I’m a feminist right? I’ve talked about it. I’m also a woman who is in love with this great guy. However, having Mr. C in my life doesn’t validate my opinions on relationships. He is a man and I’m a woman. Both of us have opinions and I am not defined by his existence in my life. Nor will you validate my opinions because he and I are together.

Now, I know you’re probably wondering what’s got my panties in a bunch, so let me tell you…On Saturday, I was at the hair salon and we had a very lively conversation. My hairstylist has both hair stylists and barbers in her salon so you get to have the “male/female” responses to those intriguing questions. There were many topics discussed and one was about money and dating. As always there were opinions on both sides.

However, the question was asked “If I make $65,000, how much less can a man I’m dating make?” The women responded in earnest with the majority saying $50,000. I responded $55,000. The woman who asked the question then asked me “So, he can’t make less than $10,000 than you?” I responded “Yes.”

The conversation in the shop went back and forth about dating and a man said “Why do women ask for stuff they are not bringing to the table?” I told him, that I didn’t know those women. I bring what I ask to the table and I expect the same. So, the question was asked if you made $100,000 would you date a man that made $10,000?

Umm, nope.

Would you? I mean unless he’s in graduate school and only working the summers and holidays why would I date a man that is financially dependent on me? I’m not talking marriage. I’m talking the dating stage. I meet you and you meet me and you want to go out for an undetermined amount of time to see if we could build a relationship.

Dating. Not marriage. Dating.

So, the conversation took an interesting turn when one woman said that she would take that $10,000 he made and turn it into $500,000 in a year. I responded “Not legally you won’t.” I wasn’t about illegal activity or flipping money because I knew that I wouldn’t date a man making $10,000.

She then comes over and asks me do I have a man? I and my hair stylist responded yes. She asked, “How long have you two been going out?” I told her that we’ve dated a year. She then asked “Are you going to get married?” I told her “Someday. I’m not ready to get married anytime soon and we’ve talked about it. We’re in no rush. We’ve both been there and done that.” She then pauses.

She tells me that she will never get married because she fears the ability to be faithful. I listened and said “Women should be allowed to choose whether they will marry or reproduce without explaining their selves to anyone. Your life and your choice.”

But, it dawned on me that she only asked the question of whether or not I have a man to try and prove me wrong. If I didn’t have a man that would be proof that my dating standards for salary are too high. Maybe if I dated a man that made $10,000 a year I could be happy.

Why do people try to sell you this lie?

Motivational Monday Moment – 10/17/16

My Motivational Monday Moment is inspired by my wonderful and precocious Munch who is 8 years old.


When school started in August, I realized that I needed my village. I was having a hard time trying to motivate Munch’s mind. I needed him to change his mindset. Why?

Because he was so negative.

There needed to be a shift in his perspective. I needed him to start looking at things through a different lens. Everything was always the worst and he didn’t enjoy anything, not one single thing about school. He was acting as though waking up and going to school was pure hell and he couldn’t wait to come home.


I started to realize it in August and asked Niki over at The Richness of A Simple Life for suggestions. She does this series on Monday’s entitled MomLife and I needed help. She did a two part series and she shared three suggestions:

  1. The first part of my positive focused practice is mindfulness, the practice of being in the moment.
  2. The second tip is teaching them to look for positive things in their day.
  3. Negative attitude with no sense of control.


I really started thinking about it and trying to engage Munch. I reached out to my other fellow blogger, Kyra over at Black.Bunched.Mass.Mom and she gave me a whole list of suggestions that her son’s teacher had given her and better yet some that she came up with. These are the three that I began implementing:

  1. Did any of your classmates ask a great question today? Did they get an answer?
  2. Which adult do you think has the best job at school? Why? (see if that changes over time)
  3. Was there a time when you felt like praying today? Did you?


Munch is far from perfect and it’s still a struggle, but I think he realizes that I’m not going to give up or just let it go. I started this transformation of his mind when I started to explain that the fact you woke up is the reason you should give thanks. Someone didn’t wake up today and we should say “Thank you God for waking me up.” Thanking God is going to put you into the attitude of gratitude mode.

You see how I’m trying to incorporate the first point in Niki’s suggestion? Being mindful of the moment and grateful for it. Giving thanks to God allows him to shift his perspective from complaining to me to thanking God.


I’m also trying to teach Munch that he should pray regularly and consistently. Prayers are not just if you want something, but you should pray as a way of giving thanks. Keeping your mind on God. So, I started asking him to pray before we talk about his day. I started doing it with him. Praying that God allows the positives of his day to outweigh any negatives and thanking him for another day to serve Him.

Munch didn’t understand why we were doing it at first, but I needed to shift his mindset and allow God to intercede. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this in the beginning. I mean I’ve done counseling at church and the pastor will say before we get started “Let us go to the throne of grace before getting started.” It changes the mood. There is a true shift in the atmosphere.


Munch has had many things change at his new school so asking him about his teachers like Kyra suggested gets him to thinking about new people and the cool jobs they have. Right now the person who has the best job is the principal because he’s in charge of the school and always smiles at the kids. Munch likes that he smiles. I accept that.

So, my Motivational Monday Moment is all about motivating my minor. There are many things you can do and some of ya’ll may need to do these things with adults. Allowing people to see that gratefulness allows your mindset to change is a key factor in motivating. It won’t come overnight and it won’t be easy, but nothing worth fighting for is truly easy.