Wow! This is difficult. I used to think in terms of the definite. Definite things like air, food and water made sense. Until I became a mother. Now, that I’m older I realize that while those things are essential and definitely important…my son is what I think I can’t live without.
But, is it true? It was less than a year ago when I was thinking about giving him up because I was too tired of going back to court fighting over bull*hit. I was depressed. I was anxious and crying and praying and hoped that I had loved him enough. Kissed him enough. Prepared him enough to just walk away from it all.
It was by no means an easy choice. My spirit was on fire. I was burning and I loved him more than my own life and was willing to sacrifice my own desire to love and raise him for peace.
Peace. I needed peace.
My dad was sick and they were telling me he’s not going to get better. I couldn’t continue in this perpetual fighting state. We went to court 4 times last year and we were getting ready to go back to court this year, but COVID. Aww, the pandemic was a blessing. It paused the drama.
I had made the decision to walk and give up the one thing I did good in this world hoping and praying that he would be okay for peace. Did that make me selfish? Was I somehow less of a mother because I wanted to get off the perpetual rollercoaster of drama that my ex-husband kept me on? Was walking away the only choice or was it the best choice?
I had many questions and I honestly didn’t know the answer. I just remember last November crying to my lawyer after court saying I can’t do this anymore. My dad is sick. I’m exhausted. He’s trying to destroy me when all I ever wanted was to raise our son with both of us in his life. I begged my lawyer to tell me what to do. He was a father. He was an attorney. I explained that I would do anything.
He looked at me with sorrow in his eyes and said that there is nothing you can do. He will never leave you alone. I felt defeated. I said then maybe it’s best if I walk away.
I can’t afford it anymore. I can’t provide my son a college education if I’m fighting his father all the time. He said, “Don’t worry about the bill. We’ll work it out. You can’t give up on him. That young man needs you.”
I sighed. I said “It’s over $18,000”.
I was at the end of my rope. There was no way that I could continue in this toxic co-parenting situation. I was losing my faith. My humanity. My life. I would lose my life if I gave up Munch. If I walked away from the shared 50% co-parenting situation to 0%.
If I had to give him up I couldn’t see him. It would destroy me. I went home and I kissed and hugged my son so much that night. I prayed and asked God to protect him and to give me peace. I was letting go of the best part of me. I was walking away from HIS greatest gift to me.
So, is my son what I couldn’t live without or was I being selfish in choosing peace for him? I don’t know.
I don’t have to give him up. My heart is full. I get to smell him, to kiss and hug him, to lead him, to guide him, to build him back up and to protect him from those that wish to destroy that innocence. Good, bad or whatever way we may see it – it will all be on me.
Can I do this?