I Know Not

I know not the moment when my innocence was shattered. When my belief in man became so obscure that I thought death was better than life. I’m lying.

I remember.

I remember the day that you touched me as I slept. The moment that my innocence was shattered and I was left to pick up the pieces of the dirty word I had become. I know not why I had to endure that pain.

Maybe someone can explain.

I know not why I was assaulted by two boys on the school bus. Why they held me down and hunched me as I screamed out.  Kissing me. Holding my wrists. Why they chose to grind their adolescent penises in my crotch all to show me their manhood. I know not why no one came to my rescue. I screamed for help.

I remember.

Because I was just a girl. Faceless. I didn’t matter. They were popular. I was a nobody. Or that was how I was treated after the boys got in trouble. I was just an unknown. I asked for it. I know not how a child asks for boys to hold her down as they humped her and she screamed for help.

I know not why I was abandoned.

The isolation of classmates created such loneliness in my spirit that I understood that a nobody liked me must have deserved the unwanted attention as I was just a girl. A child. It didn’t matter. I don’t know why the expectation is that I wanted this.

I know not why I remember the day that my classmate raped me. I remember the feel of his penis pushing through me as I screamed and fought. The words “No one likes a tease” as I laid there crying and fighting for my spirit. I remember praying to God to die as he penetrated me relentlessly.

I know not why I saw me outside my body. I sang a song. A song of comfort. My mind was breaking apart. I imagined singing. I was a young girl. Maybe about 6 or 7. I sang This Little Light of Mine as he raped me. I know not why that song came to me.

I remember. I remember believing that God was protecting me. That walls were being built all around my mind to protect me from the pain. The pain was insurmountable. The memories would be too painful and I felt numb.

I died that day. Spiritually.

Each time I was touched. I lost a piece of me. But, I lived. I know not why.

Maybe it is because God had greater plans for my life than I could have ever imagined. I know not why.

God gave me a son to raise after boys and a man destroyed many parts of my youth. But, He must have a sense of humor right? Cause why would my womb carry a man?

I know not why.

I know not why the answers to many questions remain unclear. Like fragments and repressed memories they fight to come to light. Buried memories of things not spoken about.

But, I know that I have a purpose. I am better than my perpetrators. I am better than my past. I’m better than the man who tries to break me down by accusing me of emasculating my son when I am the one who brought forth light and named him Munch. I know not why.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Advertisements

45 thoughts on “I Know Not

  1. You are a strong woman Tikeetha, you are beautiful inside and out. Thank you for passing the pen. You don’t understand what you just wrote, your story is my story almost word for word you would not believe it I am going to send you my story it’s in my book unfolding Souls I’ll get your email address I’ll send you the first story it matches yours the singing the numbness God gave me a poem to recite to myself that in Tire moment how you explain it is my story also. Now I know why God put you in my life. You have encouraged me to keep talking and keep telling my story because we are helping people. I know talking and telling my story is my assignment on God thank you so much sis.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Ah… your story is heartbreaking! And unfortunately not unique. I’m not sure if a past like yours ever heals completely, but I am sure sharing your story is part of the process. We need to have more open conversations about rape and abuse so these cycles can cease with the victims and perpetrators and not be swept under an ever-growing rug.

    I hope it reaches all that need it. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Kelley. I agree. It never fully heals. It’s always there, but not debilitating. I consider myself a survivor and I will always advocate for the victims. I mean this Harvey Weinstein thing and now Terry Crews saying he was sexually assaulted. It happens to everyone.

      Liked by 4 people

      1. It does happen to a lot of people. And if it’s not you, it’s someone you know. We need to take away the embarrassment and shame that comes with it and let victims know they have allies.

        Liked by 3 people

  3. This is powerful. It is ironic that you should have a son. I suppose it’s for healing and teaching. There’s no way you can hate your son, of course, so in a sense it provides healing. And I know that you’re raising him to be a respectful young man; his very presence will teach others how women should be treated.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Thank you for sharing this. Unfortunately I can relate on so many levels and I say unfortunately because sexual abuse of the young is far to prevalent in our society.
    I consider myself fortunate that while I still bear the scars and always will my experiences no longer define me or control me!!

    Liked by 5 people

      1. As much as you would like to think it possible no matter how closely we protect our children it is not always possible to totally safeguard them from predators.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I really don’t have the words to express what I felt while reading your story… I wish it never happened but it did. Thank you for sharing your story and by that giving support, strength and hope to others. God is sure bringing beauty out of your ashes.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. This touched my soul! My youngest daughter was molested by her father on a visitation day and never told until she was a few years older. I really feel for children who are affected by this abuse and the emotional effects continue into adulthood. Thank-you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re so welcome. It’s a shame that people can get away with abuse and somehow it’s the victims fault. We have to get away from victim shaming and being an advocate for the victims. Thank you so much for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m working on a post that I’ve been trying to piece together for a week now on protecting ourselves. Just little bits of thoughts and advice I have learned over the years. To teach young girls more about these predators so they can be more aware.
        I could not be protected. I was put in situations where there was no protection, I had no instinct, I was groomed and molded, etc. but I have had long talks with my daughter about boundaries and listening to her instincts and some choices that I even make today she says she would never make. It is interesting to talk to her about it. We must stick together to protect each other, support each other, and recover

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Wonderful! I will!!
        I’m still working on it today. With my memory loss I am having a hard time putting it together like I’d like to so it is taking more time than I thought!!! But I am hoping to be finsished with it today…unless I Forget again I’m writing it πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  7. What raw truth you share. I’m so sorry for all you have been through. In light of this Weinstein case and the #metoo campaign going around, many woman have been treated similarly (including me). I love that you sang This Little Light of Mine. Your spirit connected to God’s spirit was saying in the midst of great evil that your light shall shine, you shall overcome, you are not what those people did to you. It reminds me of Jesus hanging on the cross in what appeared to be shame, but it (his death) was actually the light of the world. You have been down but God lifts you up!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is really good, Tikeetha! I am so sorry you went through this. It’s something you never really get over. I am working on something myself. It happened to me too. I didn’t want to speak up about it for years but I am finally ready to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Please tag me when you post I don’t want to miss. That’s not even all of them. I just highlighted. The truth is that it never goes away, but you live, you love and you move forward by protecting and watching over those in your care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my goodness, Tikeetha! I am so so sorry. You are so so strong! How did you feel after writing it?? I am a mess right now. It was a hard thing to talk about. I have it up right now.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s