We’ve all heard of a gold digger, but have you heard of a labor digger?
A labor digger is someone who benefits from their partner carrying the overwhelming majority of the physical, mental, domestic, and emotional responsibilities in a relationship while contributing very little to that workload themselves.
Now, here’s my Thomas Point of View!
I honestly believe that in some relationships, men become labor diggers without even realizing it. I don’t necessarily think it’s intentional or malicious. Sometimes, I think it’s simply what they’ve grown accustomed to.
Maybe they grew up watching their mothers cook, clean, raise the children, manage the household, and handle everybody’s needs. So when they get married, they naturally expect their wives to do the same.
But let me tell you something: THAT IS EXHAUSTING!
I experienced this in my first marriage.
I remember my husband coming home from work, sitting down on the couch, turning on ESPN, and unwinding from his day.
Meanwhile, I’d worked all day, but I was in the kitchen preparing dinner, handling household responsibilities, and making sure everything was taken care of.
And I remember thinking, “Wait a minute! When do I get to unwind?”
Things became even more exaggerated after we had Munch. Suddenly, I felt responsible for EVERYTHING. I was working, contributing financially, taking care of our child, managing the household, and keeping up with all the little things that nobody seemed to notice until they weren’t done.
And that’s the part I think people miss.
It’s not always about the MONEY!
Listen, I don’t care if you split your household bills 50/50, 70/30, or if one person pays everything. That’s between you and your spouse. Whatever works for YOUR marriage is your business.
But here’s where I have an issue.
If we’re both working full-time jobs, why is one person’s workday over when they walk through the door while the other person’s second shift is just beginning?
Why am I automatically responsible for remembering appointments, scheduling activities, planning meals, buying groceries, keeping track of what the kids need, managing the household, and making sure everybody is emotionally okay?
And then, on top of all that, I’m supposed to have the energy to be a loving, attentive, and emotionally available wife?
WHEW!
Now, let me be transparent. I started experiencing some of those same feelings in my current marriage.
There came a point when I needed a HARD STOP and a very honest conversation with my husband.
I was exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I felt like I was carrying the family on my shoulders. I was the person expected to remember everything, anticipate everyone’s needs, figure out what needed to happen next, and somehow make it all work.
And I had to say, “I cannot keep doing this. I am tired, and I need you to see just how much I am carrying.”
One thing that I believe really helped us was marriage counseling.
Interestingly enough, we have a male therapist, and I’ve introduced him to some concepts and perspectives that I believe are important for understanding the exhaustion many women experience in marriage. One of those concepts is the labor digger.
I wanted our therapist and my husband to understand that this wasn’t about attacking men or suggesting that my husband was intentionally taking advantage of me.
In fact, I was very clear that I did NOT believe my husband was deliberately trying to make me carry the load.
But intentional or not, the impact was still the same.
I WAS EXHAUSTED!
And I needed my husband to step back and really look at our family dynamics.
I needed him to understand that being a husband and father goes beyond financial provision.
Providing for your family is important, absolutely. But so is being emotionally present, recognizing what needs to be done without being told, taking initiative, sharing the mental load, and making sure your spouse has the opportunity to rest, too.
I didn’t need someone to simply ask me what I needed help with.
I needed a partner who could look around, recognize what our family needed, and take ownership of some of those responsibilities without making me the household project manager.
And you know what?
HE GOT IT!
Now, does that mean we’ve magically figured everything out? Absolutely not! Marriage is a work in progress, and so are we.
But having that conversation, with our therapist’s support, helped us start seeing our partnership differently.
And I think that’s important because sometimes our spouses genuinely don’t recognize how much we’re carrying until we stop, explain it, and give them an opportunity to see things from another perspective.
But here’s the thing: Once you KNOW better, you have a responsibility to DO better!
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. And partnership isn’t just about who pays which bill. It’s about recognizing when your spouse is overwhelmed and stepping up without being asked, reminded, or given a list of instructions.
Because here’s another truth:
Constantly telling your spouse what needs to be done is ALSO labor!
Women aren’t necessarily asking for perfection. Sometimes, we’re just asking to sit on the couch, turn on the television, and unwind without worrying that everything around us will fall apart if we stop moving.
And honestly, I think that’s one reason so many women are talking about wanting a soft life.
We’re tired of being expected to be strong enough to carry everybody and everything, all the time.
I know I am!
A woman shouldn’t have to become completely exhausted before her partner recognizes that she needs support.
And maybe we need to stop calling it helping her when it’s actually sharing responsibility for the life you’ve built together.
Because at the end of the day, I don’t want to be the CEO of my household with a husband who occasionally volunteers.
I want a PARTNER. Someone who recognizes that this is OUR family, OUR home, OUR responsibilities, and OUR life together.
And I believe that’s worth an uncomfortable conversation.
But hey…
I may not always be right, but I always have a Thomas Point of View!
🗣️ LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!
- Ladies, have you ever reached a point where you had to tell your spouse you were exhausted from carrying your family’s mental and emotional load?
- And gentlemen, do you think some men genuinely don’t recognize how much their wives do because that’s what they grew up seeing?
Here’s the question I really want us to discuss: Is financial provision enough, or does being a good partner require something more?
I’m interested in hearing BOTH perspectives. Let’s have an honest, respectful conversation!
#AThomasPointOfView #LaborDigger #InvisibleLabor #MarriageAndRelationships #MentalLoad #MarriageIsAPartnership #TheSecondShift #SoftLife
