Dating And The Plight Of The Black Woman – Part I

When dating, the plight of the black woman is like no other. This isn’t intended to diminish the challenges and obstacles of any other race of woman. This is also not written to attack the opposite sex.  It’s written to bring awareness, understanding and empathy for a culture of women that has to overcome not only the unfavorable stigma attached to their pigment and the texture of their hair, but also, the negative character portrayal and barrage of stereotypical images of black women in the dating world.

Stereotypes of the Black Woman

To name a few:

  • The black woman doesn’t care about her body.
  • She doesn’t like her own hair.
  • They do not listen to their man.
  • The black woman is not marriage material
  • Black women have bad attitudes
  • Black women have negative attitudes
  • They don’t get along with other women
  • Black women hate white women
  • The women are gold diggers
  • She is always angry
  • Black women are ghetto and ratchet
  • She talks too much
  • Black women are bitter and heart-broken
  • They are lazy baby-makers
  • Black women can’t keep a man

Of course, none of these insidious and damaging characterizations of black women are true.  However, it is important for you to realize how these stereotypes (or any stereotype) impact the dating landscape and the overall psyche of a black woman.

Origins

Black Woman-Dating-Thinking-Plight

Based on a study conducted in the winter of 1999 by Laura Green of Virginia Commonwealth University. Sambo, Jim Crow, The Savage, The Mammy, Aunt Jemima, Sapphire and Jezebel are major causalities that result in stereotypes centered around black people and black women.  In addition, the stereotypes of black women go as far back as slavery days and have stalked black people like a specter and/or evolved into modern-day thought.

Negative Polls About Black Women

Black women are beauty personified. However, black women have been degraded since slavery. Even so, by their own men.  In video poll conducted by Buzz Feed researchers, called, “Do You Have A Racial Preference…” 2.4 million heterosexual interactions from the app, “Are You Interested.,” were used to determine preference. Users were classified by their gender and race.

The study revealed:

  • Black women are the least desirable among all women.
  • Black men responded mostly to women of other races, even though black women were 3 times more likely to respond.
  • Black women are the least replied-to group.
  • Black women are also the most likely to respond when compared against other races of women.
  • Black women respond 25% more than other women.
  • A similar survey by OkCupid revealed that black women were the least replied-to group.
  • 1 out of 2.9 men respond to black women

 

More on that OkCupid survey

Back in 2009, the basics of race and attraction looked like this:

men
—non-black men applied a penalty to black women
—while black men showed little racial preference either way

women
—all women preferred men of their own race
—but they otherwise penalized both Asian and black men

Here’s how the exact person-to-person statistics look: Focus on the Black men rating and then look at the Black women rating.
I gather a few things from these numbers.

  • Black men are willing to seek love outside their own race willingly.
  • Black women are not as willing to do so.
  • Black men rate black women least desirable at -3%
  • Black women rate black men, “most” desirable at 16%
Dating-statistics-Black women
Photo Credit: OK Cupid

 

Some things never change…

  • Black men are still willing to seek love outside their own race willingly.
  • Black women are less likely to do so than they were in 2009
  • Black men rate black women least desirable at 1%. Which is a slight jump from 2009
  • Black women rate black men, “most” desirable at 23%. Which is a 7% jump from 2009.
  • Black women are the only race to rate black men, “positively.”
Black Women-dating-statistics-black men
Photo Credit: OkCupid

Self Hate?

If your own men don’t find you desirable, there’s a huge problem with that.  Do black men despise black women? Is this self-hate? I have a few theories on that. First, black men are the primary problem. Black women definitely have to take ownership in other areas, but not this one.  Like a mango to an apple or a guava to grape, some black men consider women of other races, “exotic.” Exotic, meaning, “unique features,”  Ironically, those same black men have babies by the very black women they consider, “less desirable.” These same black men leave said black woman with a male child that grows up with the same discontent for black women that the father had.  It’s a vicious cycle, perpetuated by black men and continues to add to the negative stigma attached to black women.

Black woman-dating-plight-curly hair-scream

What Do Black Women Think About Black Men?

Based on the above data, black women love and support black men. Black women were the only race of women to rate black men positively. Yet, black men rate black women as the least desirable.  Is this a major causality for black women not getting married? Do their own men not find them attractive? These are questions that numbers alone cannot answer.

Black women are like greyhounds after a mechanical rabbit that received a head start. And the black man is the rabbit they want, that keeps running away. And no matter how fast the greyhound runs, it will never catch that rabbit.

That being said, based on conversations I’ve had with many black women, they adore and love their black men. They are loyal to their black men and prefer not to date outside their own race. The level of attraction just isn’t consistent for other races of men. Some black women would argue that their fellow sisters need to go outside their race to date and open up the possibilities.

If you give me 5 women that agree with that statement, I’ll give you 20 that don’t.

Numbers Do Lie

Or don’t they? I want to make one thing clear before it’s said, these numbers don’t apply to everyone. There is always an exception to each rule. However, the numbers are telling about what some black men feel about their own women. And if I was a man of another culture, and I was looking at these numbers? I’d think to myself, “If the black guys don’t want their own women, why would I?” “What’s wrong with her?” Not that anything is truly wrong, however, perception is reality to most people.

Consequently, when you have a percentage of your own men that do not find you attractive (personality, attitude, character) it leaves you starting the dating process at a deficit. How deflating is that for a black woman? A man will love your physique, but the rest of you, isn’t desirable to them. As a result, you will see some black men labeling and stereotyping their own women in public forums where the world can see. This happens all the time on blogs and social media.

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Thank you for your continued support of my writing.

You can find Dating And The Plight Of The Black Woman Part II here

 

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18 Replies to “Dating And The Plight Of The Black Woman – Part I”

    1. Very much so. The part that is the worse is that the stigmas that have been created have only gotten worse. So much, that black men have started to feed into them. This is absolutely terrible and counterproductive. It also adds to the fact that black people aren’t getting married as much. Not even close to as much as they did in the 60’s and 70’s.

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  1. This is disgusting. The way our queens are treated in this day and age is a shame. I despise this honestly, to the point where it anger me. Black men ignoring their black women…remember what your grandmothers fought for during the times that women of other races wouldn’t even give you the time of day.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think of this comment and it reminds me of my anger. I’m all about choosing who you love. And sometimes you can’t help who you fall for. However, that doesn’t mean that you don’t uplift and encourage your own. You can love all people but be pro-black. What some black males have done is disregard their black women in music, entertainment and other industries for women women who they believe are “better” or more “domestic.” “subservient.” It’s absolute ignorance on their parts. If you remember I talked about this very thing on my podcast…”colorblind.”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. That’s illuminating, but sadly not surprising. In reading those charts strictly for the numbers, it looks like there is a similar trend in the way men rate Latina women.
    All I’m going to say is that when a nasty attitude woman entertains hundreds of thousands of social media users by emphasizing her attitude as a hallmark of her race, and I have to see that crap in my feed that should be showing me furniture and paintings, then nobody is to blame except the creators of that content.

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      1. I meant a certain Latina that’s all over IG showing off her cat fighting and tending to put down other Latinas. I mean, one doesn’t have to look far to see plenty of distasteful behavior. So many followers and viral video promotions for these videos…
        I mean, it’s entertainment I guess. Maybe I’m reading it wrong or reading into it too much. All I’m saying is that it’s doing everyone a huge disservice to push that garbage as a cultural norm.

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      2. I agree with you in the regard that garbage seems to garner more shares, more followers and good content seems to get overlooked. (trust me) I know. Today’s society is all about being entertained no matter the cost of reputation, morals or ethics. Those who stick to their guns, typically get overlooked.

        This is similar to women in my community. The ones that stick to their guns, have morals, don’t take bs from men, get passed over. The ones that don’t… somehow end up with more men after them. For the wrong reasons perhaps. However, one can’t argue that women with moral convictions tend to struggle in the dating world vs those that are more “loose” with theirs.

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  3. black women are more loyal to black men and always have been. I think that when our men see us the see something that is beautiful, complex, strong and slightly challenging. I would even go as far as to say we may even be a trigger. African Americans experience a lot of trauma and it could be debated that black women could ignite something that causes men to a difficult time connecting. I always want to ask when you look at your exotic or the new phrase “Foreign” interest what part of her reminds you of your own mother?

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    1. I always wonder if black women are more “loyal” or if that’s just a preference. When I speak to black women they always say they “prefer” black men. However, at least 30% of them will say, “I prefer black men, but I’m open to other men.” My opinion would that it’s more preference vs loyalty.

      African Americans such as myself do experience tons of trauma (I definitely agree) but since both men and women experience this, wouldn’t it be “easier” to connect? I’ve heard this reasoning used whenever a black man or black woman “sticks with their kind.” They will say…”I just feel like a black man/woman can relate to me, or connect to me better.”

      What are your thoughts?

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      1. you said “as a result of trauma would it be easier to connect?” not always. When someone is triggered they can either be open or reject it and shy away. And yes I feel the same about dating black men is that they understand me. They understand what it is to be Black in this society. I do believe that love can abide between two different ethnic backgrounds but I feel that comes with a whole lot of teaching moments. Just give me my black man that I absolutely adore and let me gone bout my life lol. we just gotta meet him!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Can’t debate the fact that “dating your own” does have distinct advantages if the person who you’re dating is in touch with his/her culture. Also, if you’re dating outside your race, there are teaching moments that do need to occur in some cases. That being said, I know some people (non-black) who are more in touch with “blackness” than some black people. So I’d base it on the individual overall.

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