MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY MOMENT – 4/24/2017

It’s the last Monday of April and the last Motivational Monday Moment of the month. Today’s Motivational Monday Moment is about being yourself. Love the real you. All the flaws and imperfections.  This is something that I used to struggle with a lot. I didn’t want to show my true self to anyone. Yes, I’m kind hearted. Yes, I’m a great friend. Yes, I am a lover of humanity, but I’m also afraid of being hurt. So, I hide my true self. I hide my flaws and imperfections.

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It’s something I’m learning to stop doing. I’m learning to be just me. I can be a brat. I can be emotional. I can be sensitive. I can be a mess sometimes. I own it. I’m no longer afraid to admit it. Last week, I got mad at Mr. C over something he said and I told him that he was being both arrogant and dismissive. He paused and said “Arrogant?” He explained his reaction and apologized, but he didn’t think he was being arrogant. I disagreed.

I wanted to get off the phone. My feelings were hurt. He was cool with it. An hour goes by and I see a funny meme on Facebook. I share it with him. He doesn’t respond. I call him. No answer. I send him a text “So, you’re ignoring me?”

LOL, yep I can be bratty. He called right back to say that he wasn’t ignoring me. He just walked back in the room after spending time with his son. He said he realized that my feelings were hurt and respected that. He let me have my moment. I didn’t want to go to bed with hurt feelings or animosity in my spirit. I wanted to let him know that. He knew.

He puts things in a box and pushes them off the cliff. He doesn’t hold on to things. He’s totally different from me on that end. I’m learning. So, I told him that I know that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and I wanted us to work it out before I close my eyes. I didn’t want anything to disrupt my sleep.

He laughed that beautiful laugh and I realized that I’m happy and blessed. Why? Because I found someone that loves the imperfect me. The person who can get on his nerves or get in her feelings and he be man enough to give me space and still make me feel as though I am the most important person in this world.

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I’ve never been my authentic self with anyone outside of my two best friends. I was always afraid to let people in. Let people get to know the unguarded me.  It’s been an interesting experience because I’m learning to allow people in and have them love the imperfections of me. The entire me.

So, this Motivational Monday Moment is about letting your light shine. Let your light shine on all your imperfections and flaws and own them. Don’t hide behind your insecurities and know that it’s okay to be flawed. You’re perfect just the way that you are. Love the person looking back in the mirror.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

 

Reblog: Did He Just Ghost Me?

This is a reblog of a prior post that I wrote prior to finding Mr. C. In this dating series, I’m trying to share with you some of my experiences to encourage you to not give up hope. I’ve been there….

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Okay, so many of you know by now what ghosting is. If you don’t, please check out this definition on Urban Dictionary:

The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

Well, I was wondering if Mr. A ghosted me. Let me tell you what happened. Mr. A and I had been talking for the last couple of months. Met a couple of times over coffee and just settled into a nice and friendly let’s get to know each other situation. Well, Mr. A just suddenly and out of nowhere stopped calling and texting me. I called a couple of times. Sent a couple of texts (okay 1) and got no response. Two weeks went by and I just suddenly walked away from the situation and deleted his contact information from the phone.fus_amsf_monitor_ghosting_tinder_center

I mentioned to my girlfriend how he just up and disappeared without no rhyme or reason and I was kind of shocked. I mean I thought we had great communication and the chemistry was cool so why would he just vanish on me? Not one to chase a man without knowing him, I backed off and kept it moving. Dating other men who seemed more emotionally stable.

Then I read this article talking about ghosting and realized that Mr. A probably ghosted me. Why? No idea. I was kind of bummed. More like pissed with a side of I want to set your pants on fire, but I got over it. I just exhaled, put my Left-eye ego in check and realized that it wasn’t me it was him. He was missing out on this fine, thick chocolate sister who is awesome. His loss!

So, I’m sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon, exhausted from the heat (munch had a soccer game earlier that day) when I get a text from Mr. A out of the blue. Now, I had no idea who it was texting me and acting like I know them but the funny thing about deleting someone the text history re-appears and you know who it is. Here’s a screen shot of the conversation:

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As you can see by my exchange, I’m kind of hot that he would be trying to rewind on me after ghosting with no explanation. Oh, I’m sorry, his explanation was that he was “very busy”. Heck, you are not that busy where by you can’t send a text that says “Got your messages. I’m really busy. Will touch base with  you soon”. But, he’s a man right? No real need to communicate with me woman after ghosting.

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So, after my “Oh okay. Well nice hearing from you” text response he actually picked up the phone to call. He wasn’t sorry about ghosting. He kept reiterating how busy he was and it wasn’t personal and he wasn’t ghosting me and trying to rewind. He then had the nerve to say that I could have called again. Really? I politely told Mr. A “Do it again and don’t bother calling me. You’re almost 48 and you know what is acceptable behavior. If not, I will show you”.

He’s asked me out next week when Munch goes back to visit his dad. Apparently he likes my smart and sassy mouth. Too bad I’m washing my hair.

Until next time loves!

6 Dating Mistakes Women Make

This is a roll call to all the women out there who’ve made mistakes while dating. You date men only to find out that the man you thought was the one was in fact a dud. You start to review the reel of your relationship no matter how small or insignificant in your head. You start to wonder “Where did I go wrong?” Has that ever happened to you?

It’s happened to me. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I made plenty of mistakes while dating and I’m the first to say “Learn from my mistakes”. I want to save you time and trouble while you navigate this dating world.

So, I compiled a list of 6 dating mistakes that women make in hopes that I’m able to help you recognize if you’re making them too. If you’re doing any of these things, I beg you love to run for the hills and stop it. Take a dating hiatus and get back to the basics of loving and dating you.

  1. I gave the benefit of the doubt. This was a big one for me. I gave the benefit of the doubt to a lot of men who frankly didn’t deserve it. The thing is that they were showing me who they were and telling me something different. I listened to their words instead of their action. That is a big no-no. Maya Angelou said it best “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
  2. No boundaries. I used to allow the men that I dated to set my boundaries. Sure, you can call me for a last minute date. Sure, I can come over at 11pm. Sure, I can take you there. Sure, I can (fill in the blank). You see what I was doing? I wasn’t setting boundaries. There are rules to anything including dating me and I didn’t set or express my boundaries. I was trying to be a free spirit. That’s not me. Be you and set those boundaries.
  3. Something is better than nothing. Umm, no it’s not. We shouldn’t settle. I refuse to waste anymore time with people that aren’t worthy. Why are you settling for less than what you deserve? Some of us are so happy to have a piece of a man that we are willing to settle for a piece than the whole person. That’s a lie and one you should stop telling yourself right now. You deserve it all love. Nothing is better than something that causes you pain.
  4. Waste my time. Time is a big thing for me. It matters. More than money. Time is something that I can’t get back. You can always make more money. You can’t get back time once its wasted. That is a big thing. I wasted my time with men that I knew we could never be nothing more. I’m not talking the first couple of dates. I’m talking the first couple of months. I just continued to waste my time instead of putting them in the block category and moving on. Life is too short to waste time with anyone.
  5. Lowering my standards. I’m not going to lower my standards when it comes to dating men and neither should you. Why should you? So, you can have a man? This goes hand in hand with number 3. Don’t lower your standards or expectations in a relationship just so you can get or keep a man. If he can’t meet you where you are, move on girl!
  6. Giving up the cookies too soon. Mr. C and I are practicing abstinence, but I know that not everyone is at that point in their life and I respect that. However, I tell you this…if a man is not willing to wait for you he is not the man for you. I heard a man once say that if a man can wait for a pair of shoes, a new video game or a promotion he can wait to have sex. You see that? Men will wait. You just have to be diligent in your desire to know that you are worth the wait. It’s okay to walk away if a man tells you that he won’t wait. Nothing wrong with saying “Okay, well be blessed and bye”. You are worth the wait. Real men know that.

Those are my 6 dating mistakes and trust me, I’ve made them all. I’m not judging you. I’m trying to help you move beyond the present and envision a future where you’ve got the love you want. It is possible.

Any other dating mistakes you think women make? How do you feel about the list? Have you made these mistakes?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Dating: Mr. Potential

Dating is hard. I know. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to try to push Mr. Potential into a possibility category. But, don’t do it sis. Go through the process because it’s in that process where you’ll find out who is just a man with potential and who is is the man with possibility.

I did it. I would meet a great guy and think “Wow, he’s awesome. I think he may be the one.” Really? I had only known the man about a month but was already thinking he was special enough to be in the possibility category. I was jumping the gun. I know I’m not alone. Some of you are probably doing this right now.

I’m here to encourage you to stop that. Stop giving potentials real chances to screw your emotions over. Dating is a process. So many times we are trying to rush it and when we’re busy rushing it we forget what it’s like to truly get to know someone. How can a man woo you when you’re busy picking out china patterns or naming your future children?

He can’t. He will either do one of two things. Play you by stringing you along or run for the hills because he thinks you’re crazy. It’s true. Take a step back and breathe baby girl. Give him a chance to get to know you and you take the time to know him. Here are some ways you can tell if you are putting his potential into the possibility category:

  1. If he seems to be giving you all his spare time. Look it’s exciting when you meet a man that seems perfect, but just because he is giving you time doesn’t mean that you should rush it and put him in the possibility category. Slow down and get to know each other and see if you both want to be exclusive. I’ve been there. I dated a man that seemed to give me all his free time so I thought “Hmm, he may be the one.” Nope, he was just being cheap and not wanting to date multiple women at the same time. After getting to know him I realized that there was a possibility for him…to be someone else’s man. Not mine.
  2. If he invites you to meet his family and friends after a couple of weeks. Look, I know that it’s exciting to think that a man is the one after a couple of months, but stop rushing it. I would run for the hills if a man offered me to meet his children after a couple of weeks. Really? Why would he do that? Think about it.  Take your time and process all the signs he displays. Mr. C didn’t meet Munch until 9 months after we started dating and it was at church for all of 5 minutes. No pressure. No rush. It was 3 months later when he met him for the second time at my house. You see. I was taking it slow. Stop being impressed with a man that wants to introduce you to his friends and family after a couple of weeks. Something sounds fishy there. Slow down and get to know each other.
  3. If he’s got an impressive resume, but you have to keep making the first move. Now, I’m all about grabbing a bull by the horns and riding said bull into the sunset, but you have to stop and think. Men are hunters. They like to chase. They also don’t want you to be so demure and shy that you think that they should do everything. Be somewhat aggressive and yet reserved. I don’t care how good his resume is, if he’s not chasing after you for dates or time spent talking and getting to know you – he’s seeing other women or he’s just not into you. Either way you need to accept it sis. No biggie. Let him go and keep looking for the one you’re supposed to be with.
  4. You see his side hustles and entrepreneurial spirit as a reason he’s always broke. Umm, nope. Mr. C told me when we first started dating that “Roland Martin said a black man in America has to work more than one job.” I died laughing. He was serious. He told me this because he works two jobs. He has bills, family obligations and things he needs and wants to do. I get it. But, he’s still the man who has time to date me and pay for those dates. I do pay occasionally, but I’m not financing our relationship. A grown man will figure out how to date you while paying his bills. Let me repeat that…a grown man will figure out how to date you and still pay his bills.
  5. You see his situation as temporary and you’re willing to have his back. If he’s unemployed, broke or broken through hardships not of his own doing, I get it. Life happens. But, why would you try to date when you are going through the worst season of your life? I mean I get it. We all need companionship, but I don’t want to support you in the dating stage. Not when we first meet. Give it some time. I mean at this point, I would give Mr. C some money because we love each other. Why? Because I know that if he ever asked me for it he would need it. I would have his back because I know that he would do the same. However, I wouldn’t do this if we had just met. A man needs to have boundaries when you first meet. I shouldn’t know how broke you are unless you’re looking for friendship. And if you are looking for only friendship, I need you to say no to the woman that is going to come and try to support you. She’s enabling you. Stop letting a woman take care of you financially.

Do you date on potential? Have you ever dated on potential? Is there anything you would add to this list?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Dating Requirements: At A Minimum

I told you yesterday how I believe that women shouldn’t have to audition for the wife role while in relationships with men and the reasons why. But, let’s go further. Let’s dig into what we women should expect when dating a man.

There are four main things that I would say that you should expect from a man at a minimum. These are non-negotiable items. You can’t short change yourself and not have one because trust me you will end up in hell. The four main things that are a minimum in dating are:  respect, honesty, transparency and stability.

  1. Respect – That’s a given. If he doesn’t respect you then you should kick him to the curb. Stop wasting your time on a man that can’t respect you. Whether it is him doing what he says he’s going to do or not chasing after other women when you’re in a committed relationship, respect is a minimum.
  2. Honesty – This is also a given, but you would be surprised the number of women who will accept a man’s lies and try to repackage it and sell it is alternative facts. We have to stop doing this. I don’t deal in lies. My momma used to say that my daddy “Would lie between two rain drops” and that always made me laugh. But, as a woman there are men out there that lie all the time and for no dang reason or for the reason of trying to spare your feelings. A man that is not honest is not the man for you sis.
  3. Transparency – His life and all the many facets of it should be transparent to you. You shouldn’t have to guess who is family and friends are, where he works, what his kids look like, etc. He should be open to presenting you to his family and friends and trying to make his life an open book to you. I’m not saying that he has to do this on day one, but when you’ve both decided to get serious then he should have no problems being transparent with you.
  4. Stability – He should be able to support himself without you. The end. You are not his financier. Heck, you’re not even his fiance. A man has to be able to support himself without you. It’s interesting, when I was young and single and dating, men just paid for things. Took me out to expensive restaurants and we shared our life’s ups and downs together. They celebrated me. They knew how to date me. I never expected a man to take me out to dinner and he couldn’t pay his rent. A man has his priorities in order. That wouldn’t happen. A lot of men that I encountered while dating wanted to pay on the first date and then have me pay thereafter. Umm, why? Are you not financially able to date me? Then be honest. We can be friends and I can choose to pay for my own meal if we go out. I had a friend once tell me that a real man will figure it out. He knows his bills and responsibilities and he will not be expecting you to finance the relationship.

At a minimum, every man you date should have the above qualities.  If not, you will fall into some serious dating traps. What traps? We’ll discuss those in tomorrow’s post.

What are some of the things that you expect of a man that you’re dating? What are your deal breakers?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Auditioning for the Wife

On Saturday, I had a great service project with members of my sorority and other Greek fraternities and sororities. It was a joint effort where we went and cleaned up the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial in D.C.. It was a beautiful day and over 70 people showed up.

Afterwards, a few of my sorority sisters and I went to lunch. We were talking about men and women relationships when one of my sisters said something so profound and true. She said “Sometimes, women are so desperate to marry or prove that they are marriage material that they audition for the wife role in relationships.” Boom.

There it is. That was truth and knowledge about what I’m seeing now in relationships. I’m sure it’s always been there, but now more than ever I see women doing that. Why? Why do you feel the need to audition for a role you may not even want from the man that you’re with?

I know that dating has changed over the years. Black women are now earning more than ever and find it hard navigating the dating world. We are told that we have to sacrifice or lower our standards in order to find a suitable partner. Both of which I will say “Not true.” In many instances, we find ourselves fighting over the eligible pool of available men. So, we get creative in trying to woo the one that we want. How can we let him know that he should choose me? How can I prove to him that I’m wifey material? 

I know. I’ve seen many women do it. We have to stop trying to audition for the wife role ladies. Look, there’s nothing wrong with finding a man and falling in love and wanting to show him that you’re about substance. You want him to imagine a future with you. A future full of possibilities. You want him to imagine home cooked meals, clean clothes and a clean house. You want him to see you as your partner. An equal that has his back.

I get that. But, sis you have to trust that if you are the one for him none of that matters. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can be selfish. No, on the contrary you should show him the part of you that makes him imagine a future with you because of who you are not of what you’re doing for him. You don’t have to cook and clean his house, watch his kids, or take care of him financially. How is he showing you that he’s a man?

As a woman who has been married and divorced, I will tell you that I didn’t audition for the wife role with my ex. I didn’t know how to be a wife any more than he knew how to be a husband. Did I do things for him? Yes. But, when you do too much for a man it takes away from him being allowed to be the man he’s supposed to be. A man figures out how to manage his life without you.

Can you make it better? Absolutely. But, should you do that in the dating phase? No. You haven’t even gotten a ring yet. No amount of auditioning will make him choose you. He may even choose the woman after you.

My perspective is of course different because I am in no way rushing down the altar again. Been there done that. I have a wonderful man that will wait on me and for that I am glad. But, I don’t have to audition for the wife role for him. Mr. C sees me as the woman he wants to be with and spend his life with and you know what? I didn’t do anything special.

I just got to know him and love him in the space that we created. That’s it that’s all. I didn’t have to drop it like it’s hot or cook lavish home cooked meals for him. In fact in the almost two years we’ve been dating, I’ve never cooked a meal for him.  I actually told him that I probably won’t cook a lot, but would be willing to take turns cooking. He accepts that. He knows that I encourage his spirit, pray for him, love him and just allow him to lead us. That guiding principle has allowed us to create boundaries and respect the space we’re creating.

I don’t need to audition. The role is mine. I’m just not ready to get married again. But, the thing is this…he knows what he’s getting and I know the same.

 

Do you believe that women audition to be the wife in a man’s life? Have you ever done it? What did you do to break the cycle of auditioning?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Divorced Again

I told you in yesterday’s post Failure of the Court how we went to court for a modification of custody to find out that we are still legally married to each other. The court failed us. We thought we were divorced, but the divorce wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. It was a sham.

In Maryland you can have both your divorce and custody tied together if there are no issues. It’s simpler, more effective and cheaper. I chose this route since I filed for divorce. It saved us time and money. However, because our custody was tied to the divorce and not separate. There was no custody agreement because there was no divorce.

You see the dilemma?

We were both having mini-breakdowns and trying to navigate what happens now. The magistrate explains that he can’t discuss custody because we’re still legally married and that divorce we were given is invalid so we can’t modify the custody as part of the divorce because the divorce is invalid. Basically, no one has custody. Are you freaking kidding me? What?

We were trying to digest all the information that was provided. The magistrate informed us that he was upset over the situation as well and wanted to get out of meeting with us because he couldn’t bear to hear that one of us had remarried and what that meant because he had defended a woman that had a similar situation in another county.

In Maryland, bigamy is a felony that can result in an individual spending up to nine years in jail.  The only way out of it is if your “ex-spouse” has been gone for seven continuous years or you don’t know where your “ex-spouse” is living at the time of your new marriage. That meant that if either of us had been remarried we would have been charged criminally with a felony because the courts screwed up our divorce. They don’t care if you knew about their screw up or not because you are charged criminally and divorce is a civil case.

This is getting more frustrating.

To learn that even if you didn’t know that your divorce was invalid and the courts were at fault and you get remarried you could still catch a felony case? To put it in perspective, our magistrate then tells us a story of a client he had a few years ago that went through this. She went through a bitter custody and property divorce. Her ex was upset because it wasn’t favorable to him. They settled custody and property and then the woman’s attorney filed for divorce. The divorce was filed 11 months after their separation and they were granted a divorce.

Fast forward two years and the woman is remarried and just had a baby with her new husband. She receives in the mail a bench warrant for her arrest and a notice vacating her divorce as invalid. Her “ex-spouse” had went to the state’s attorney’s office and requested that he check their files because their divorce wasn’t legal because Maryland required a 12 month separation not 11 months. The state’s attorney found out it was true and then the woman’s life became a two year nightmare of having to fight a felony bigamy charge, getting divorced, getting remarried and getting her life back.

We sat there dumbfounded.

I said “I don’t understand how the state can charge someone for something they did. The state is at fault because you can’t marry or divorce yourself so if documents aren’t valid then the state is at fault for that. How am I to be criminally charged with their poor hiring choices? That’s not my fault.” He responded “It’s not your fault and you did nothing wrong. But, Maryland law is firm.”

Thank God neither one of us remarried.

The magistrate then asks us do we still want to be divorced. Umm, yes. However, I said that I don’t want to pay for it. I paid the first time and it was a waste of money so everything should be free.

So, he has us go to the paralegal’s office down the hall and have them print out a complaint for absolute divorce and an answer to an absolute divorce. I then requested a complaint for custody and an answer to complaint for custody.

We completed the forms and I asked for sole custody in all paperwork. Both sole physical and sole legal.  I wasn’t going to stop his visitation, but I needed written confirmation on how we’re supposed to do this. We went back into the court room and the bailiff let him see my forms so he knew how to respond in answer. The bailiff gave the forms to the magistrate.

We asked questions on how do we proceed not having a signed custody agreement in place, he said as a lawyer I would advise you to keep things as they are until you go before a judge. No matter how you want to change it, the courts care about how the child is coping with things now.

We sighed.

He included a line in the decree to untie it from the divorce and we would get a separate custody agreement. He turned on the recording and then proceeded to divorce us.

We were divorced again. We left feeling somewhat defeated. This ordeal was working our nerves.

We then met with the scheduling coordinator and turned in our custody paperwork. The coordinator then scheduled all of the things we needed to do including the temporary hearing for 3 weeks. It was overwhelming to say the least.

We go to court again for a hearing on May 4th. My ex-husband (I pray this is in fact legitimate) and I will go to discuss a temporary custody agreement, attend parenting classes and mediation and then have a final custody hearing in August. It’s a hot mess.

We are trying to meet and work some things out on our own prior to our May 4th court date. The more that we try to do on our own and just have the courts put it in writing the better off. There are no winners in our battle for custody. I know that. Ultimately, Munch will be the loser, so knowing that allows me to try to meet with him and work some stuff out on our own.

At this point I realized and began to accept the silver lining in all this. What silver lining you might ask? The fact that he wanted a modification which got us back in court to realize that our first divorce wasn’t real and then actually get divorced again. This allowed us to not have to catch a felony case or sue the state for negligence.

You see? God was in it.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.