I Am Not That Woman

A letter to all men that I’ve dated:

I am no longer interested in dating you. I have a man. It may seem like it’s a no brainer, but I need to remind you. You can’t direct message me. You can’t flirt with me. You can’t date me. You can’t!

See, there is a reason we never worked out. I understand that everything happens for a reason. You weren’t the man for me. I wasn’t the woman for you. It’s the truth. We don’t need to keep trying to fit that square peg in a round hole and call it love. It isn’t. It wasn’t. It was lust.

It took me many years to get to the place where I’ve learned to love and accept the woman that I am. It took me many months of dating to find the man that I was supposed to be with. It takes me hours of therapy a month to learn and understand that I deserve a healthy relationship. Not a one night stand.

Or months of sleeping together, hanging out, going to parties and still saying “we’re just friends”. I’ve grown up. I’ve decided that what I want and need doesn’t matter to you. You are incapable of giving it to me. Or maybe you were just incapable at that time. Either way, our time has passed.

You need to know that I’m not the same woman I was when I met you. I’m different. I’m happy. I’m healthy. I’m in a much better space now. In this space that I’ve created, there isn’t room for you. There’s just room for me and the man that has my heart.

It’s okay though.

You should just leave me alone and allow me the opportunity to continue to grow in this beautiful relationship that I have. I can’t date you. I can’t sext you. I can’t anything with you. Thank you for telling me that you miss me. I’m flattered.

Actually, I’m not.

I don’t go backwards. Our time has passed. I no longer desire to hear words of appreciation or fake sincerity. What I want, you can’t give. But, I am asking that you respect my space or get blocked. The choice is yours.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Dating Deadlines

Is it wrong to create dating deadlines in a relationship? How long will you date a man before you make him “put up or shut up” and take your relationship to the next level?  I’m not saying that we should date a man indefinitely, but when do you expire your relationships because they don’t end in marriage? Do you give an unlimited time frame or are you more specific in your dating goals?

I read this great article about Why You Should Never Date A Man More Than A Year and wondered do all women do this? Do we give our significant other a timetable to move our relationship from one level to the next? Has this worked in your favor whether good or bad?

I want to know.

The article made great points and after reading the comments, the author said she was referring to women in their 20’s and 30’s. I thought cool. I commented and told her that it was a great  read and I understand it, but it wouldn’t apply to me as I am divorced and in my 40’s.

My priorities have shifted. I no longer feel the need to rush down the aisle. Now, don’t get me wrong…I have a dating timetable, but I don’t want anymore children and I have no desire to rush the process. I’m taking my time and really focusing on creating a healthy union full of good ole’ communication.

Nope, I don’t believe it will be perfect. But, I’m willing to work on me, while he works on he so then things can move to “we”. Marriage is a big step for anyone. I learned a lot about myself in my marriage and I learned a lot about other people. The 27 year old me really didn’t know herself.

Knowing your self is fundamental to a relationship. Don’t compromise on the things that you know that you can’t live with. It will destroy your sanity in the end. You will look up one day and realize that you wish this man would go somewhere and die a slow ass death.

But I digress.

Back to me. The point is that at 42 I need to be sure that I’m ready to get married again and that the man is there too. Munch can’t watch another family break up. I need a couple of years of dating exclusively for us to get to that level. One year is too short for me.

I’m looking to get remarried someday and won’t casually date a man that isn’t looking for the same. I explained that to Mr. C on our third date. He didn’t run. He agreed that he was open to getting married again.

I smiled. I told him that I wanted him to tell me if he ever knew that I wasn’t the one. Let me find my happiness elsewhere. He laughed. Probably thought I was crazy. I did tell him though that I would not date him beyond two years without an engagement to let me know that he’s serious (the 2 year mark is 8.15.18). At that point we would have dated for 2 years exclusively and almost 3 years. But, that doesn’t mean that we’ll rush to the alter.

I want to enjoy being engaged. I want him to spend time with Munch and I. I want us to do things as a family before and after we get engaged. We need to get Munch used to the fact that we’ll be combining families and lives and he’ll have a bonus dad. That is something that I don’t want to rush. Maybe I’m too cautious, but I’ve seen so many marriages put together without the kids getting an opportunity to truly know the other spouse that it creates a difficult relationship.

I don’t want that. I want to take my time dating, loving and being a girlfriend to a wonderful man. Go at our own pace (as long as it fits within my timeframe, LOL) and know that we are building for longevity. The other thing we’re doing is working our relationship on God’s terms. Not mans.

So, if God says “T, fall back.” Guess I’m falling back. I trust that what God has for me is just for me. The key is not to get married, but to stay married and if you rush your process you may find yourself ending up in divorce.

 

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Is It A Date?

Is it a date if you go out with a man that you’re friends with and he pays? You’ve never been intimate and have no desire to be other than friends with each other. Would you consider it a date? What if you’ve been friends for more than 5 years?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Minimal

He assumed that there would be minimal damage. What harm was there in the game he was playing? He wanted her. He had to have her.

She was beautiful. Kind of shy. But, he was attracted to her. Not just her. Others too. But, she would be the one that would be in his bed tonight.

Slowly he hunted her like his prey.

He wined and dined her with minimal thought to how she was falling in love with him. She laughed at his jokes, smiled when he told her she was beautiful and fell captive to his charm. She required minimal things.

She told him that she needed a man that was authentic and transparent. He had to believe and practice honesty in his daily life. His words and actions must be above reproach. He had to be a man that she could trust.

He lied to her about his intentions. No thought or concern to the words that he was using to bring her in. She fell for it. She fell in love.

With a man that was using her for sex. She didn’t know it. She gave her body. Her soul. Her heart and her mind. He was an amazing lover.

He made her feel as though she were the most beautiful and loved woman ever. It was a game. A game of manipulation and seduction. She was of minimal concern. She was dismissed.

He left her alone. Beautiful and broken. She would always remember him. He had left her with HIV because he couldn’t be concerned about how having unprotected sex would affect her. After all, she was of minimal concern to him.

This post is inspired by the Daily Prompt. The word of the day was minimal.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Reblog: He’ll Do In Case of Emergencies

A reblog of my post in 2014. I still believe it.

He’ll do in case of emergencies. That was one of the most poignant lessons learned from my mommy. It was a statement simple and powerful as I was growing up and entering the dating world. The first time I heard that statement, I had met a wonderful young man who was smart, considerate, gorgeous and talented and I asked, “Mommy, isn’t he perfect?” Her response was “He’ll do in case of emergencies”. What? Hold up. Rewind. What does that mean?

It meant men are disposable, interchangeable and you should always have a back-up. Not quite sure what I was expecting at 16, maybe a little more, “Yep, baby. I can see why you like him.” But, that was not my mother’s nature. Her desire was to give it to you straight with no chaser. Did it make me pause and think maybe “the one” was a myth because every man would do in case of emergencies? Yes, Absolutely!

I read this article on the Washington Post and it kinda confirmed that not just women are doing it, but men too. It stated that “Men have back-burners at roughly twice the rate of women”. Wow! So, in this digital age, women aren’t alone. Men have been using technology to keep in touch or hook up with exes or women that they’ve flirted with in the past. Social media has made it easier for folks to hook up and have romantic affairs with people outside of their current mate.

Researchers are calling it “digital cheating or cyber infidelity”. Umm, can anyone say that they are surprised by it? Probably not, but what surprised me was the fact that it is now easier to get it on with someone from your past or a co-worker without ever raising suspicion. Facebook has broken up many a “happy home” because people can’t seem to let go of the past. How many times have you caught your significant other texting or emailing someone from their past with questionable responses? Hmm, not wanting to admit it huh? What about your girlfriend’s sister’s cousin’s brother who was cheating on his wife of 10 years with his old college girlfriend? Why did he do it? Convenience perhaps? Opportunity to water the grass on the other side? Perhaps.

But, the one thing for sure is that technology has made it easier to get your “freak on” with folks without ever having to leave your zip code. You don’t have to do much. Think about it…Two people fed up with their current partners arguing or fussing that they comfort each other. That comfort leads to something more, but they’re not going to leave their “boo thing” for you. It was just time and opportunity. You console each other and confide how unfair your partners demands are. However, you never want to leave your number one for your number two on the back burner. Why? Because you trust number one. I bet you know some men like that right now.

However, it’s not just men though, because last week The Huffington Postreported that “Uh-Oh, Survey Says Half of Married Women Have a Back-up Husband in Mind”. Really? I didn’t know it was that many. I mean I thought 20%, but more than half? Who are these Plan B men? Men from their past: old boyfriends, men who they’ve flirted with or colleagues. Okay, I get the past boyfriends, but casual acquaintances a relationship don’t make. However, it does support my mom’s theory that women should have a back-up. Maybe their mothers told them the same thing.

But, I have to wonder…in the dating world where people are making more connections on line and through various social media platforms, does that mean you are going to have less of an opportunity for survival in a healthy functioning relationship because you have alternatives in your friend list, circle or network? Will more people just hook up instead of commit because we’re too lazy to work at something? How many of us have pressed rewind on a relationship from the past and found out that it was true love? Sometimes it’s the thought of knowing someone so well that you don’t have to spend time learning someone new.

Where is the fun in that? Maybe people should spend more time protecting something special instead of settling for the he/she person that will do in case of emergencies. Limit your choices. Eliminate your alternatives and build with the possibility of “the one” something incredible. It would probably be fewer divorces. IMJS.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Motivational Monday Moment – 3/20/2017

It’s the first day of spring. I’m late getting my post out. I needed to be motivated this morning so I’ve struggled with what to write. Please forgive me for the delay. I started thinking about what I could tell you to motivate you this morning. I had nothing.

I didn’t feel motivated. I felt tired and exhausted of having to fight the same battle over and over again. I felt as though my back was up against the wall. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I just knew that I wanted peace.

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There are some difficult situations that I have to face in the coming weeks. I will share more as I know more, but I was really feeling overwhelmed. I told Mr. C that I needed him to encourage me this morning. To make me feel better.

He said “You have a job. You have money. You woke up this morning. Your son is healthy. You have a boss that is understanding.” Okay, I get it. Not enough. But, poignant and true. I wasn’t giving thanks. I was feeling the pain of my issue and not giving the praise.

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I talked to another friend about my situation and he told me that God told him that “It’s a blessing to be tested and tried by Him. “ He told me to not dismay and know that God is blessing me regardless of whatever I’m going through. He told me to be encouraged and know that we serve a mighty God.

I know.

I’m human.

I just want peace.

Every time I feel like I get a little peace and quiet, things come along to disturb the natural order of the way I believe my life should work. The peace that I thought I had is always short lived. Things disturb this natural order and I feel overwhelmed. I’m struggling ya’ll.

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I know that what Mr. C said and what my friend said made sense. I’m a Christian and sometimes I feel like I’m failing. I’m failing at trying to keep chaos from interfering in my life. I didn’t ask for this. I just want to ride out the peace for years to come.

I know that I’m not living in reality right now. What’s wrong with wanting peace? Nothing. 51ef3e3fc97a88c221e264f8e788cbf0

But, God.

God spoke to me through music to ease my weary soul. He often speaks to me through music when I’m going through something and I ask for His help. When I pray for peace and I can’t seem to hear it through the noise of me wanting to take control of my own life and do what I want. He did it today.

I was listening to Marsha Ambrosious on Pandora and he played Mary Mary’s gospel song “Yesterday”. I had to close my office door because tears began to roll down my face as they sang “Any problems that I had he’s greater, he’s greater than them all. I decided that I cried my last tears yesterday.” – Mary Mary. God was speaking to me. I was doing too much.

I hear you God. I can’t keep crying about the situation. I gave it to you. I need to trust you to do your will. I need to lean on you and know that you are greater than any problems that I have. So, my Motivational Monday Moment is to trust. Trust God. Trust Him with everything.

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We can’t keep crying over the same situation and the same problems. We need to give our all to God. He is the way maker and we know that all things work according to His will. I trust you God. No more tears. Thy will be done.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.