This will be a two part post. I want to talk about discipline and more specifically spanking and how it must be done. I want to talk about how we need to change our mindset about spanking i.e. corporal punishment.
I’m using my platform to speak about something that has been on my mind for the last few weeks. The whole Tyrese issue and him acting like a mental health case. The man just won’t go away. Let me be clear. He needs to stay off social media, get his life and just focus on being a good father and husband.
But, his antics caused me to get into many arguments with well meaning folks about the issue of spanking. I don’t spank Munch. I’ve spanked him once in his life and it hurt me to my heart. That was four years ago. I try to talk and redirect his behavior and encourage him without violence. Why? Because I firmly believe that violence begets violence. I’m not trying to give my son a lesson in violence.
The whole Tyrese fiasco had many a people up in arms on social media either defending or laughing at this man’s behavior. I didn’t defend nor laugh, but wondered whether or not he was seeking mental help because it appeared that he was having a breakdown before my eyes. He was apparently crying out for sympathy in his ongoing custody battle with his ex-wife. Something that I find ridiculous considering he basically talks crap about women and tries to pit them against each other. I’m not a fan of this man’s character.
However, the fact that I’m not a fan doesn’t mean that I want a parent to lose access to their child. This goes for both men and women. I don’t think children should grow up without their parents. So, this is isn’t about custody and a parent being allowed to not be able to see their child.
My issue is that Tyrese was in this situation over a claim that he held his daughter down on her stomach and spanked her so hard that she couldn’t sit because she had allegedly taken money from her piggy bank. Two things here: 1. If it is her piggy bank, can’t she take money from it? 2. Did you really need to hold her down and spank her that hard? How much does she weigh in comparison to you?
I got spanked as a child. Did I like it? No. Did I believe it made me better? No. Do I believe that had I not got spanked I would be a crack head or a criminal? No. There’s a whole lot of parenting that occurs between when your child is first born and then gets old enough to use drugs or get involved in illegal activities. But, even if you spanked your child that doesn’t mean that they won’t turn to drugs.
The thing is that you have to be better for your children. If you as the adult can’t find ways to parent that doesn’t involve violence, what does that say about you? Mr. C and I disagree on this. He says that I’m a new age parent. I asked him did he get spanked as a child? He said “Yes”. I asked “Do you believe that had your parents not spanked you when you were young that you would somehow be different? Think about who they are and the values that they taught you?” He had no response.
I want us to change our thinking about spankings and calling it discipline. Let’s look at the word discipline. Dictionary.com showed many different meanings and I’ve pulled out my four three.
discipline (noun)
Discipline doesn’t have to be physical and it doesn’t have to be spanking based on the above definitions. I got disciplined in school and it wasn’t physical. How many of us had to go to study hall? That was a form of punishment. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do so there were consequences.
Not physical.
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A Thomas Point of View 
I’m with you here. I’ve never laid a hand on my boys, other than grabbing or swatting a hand away to prevent them from getting hurt when they were toddlers. You can raise a child with authority, demand respect and manners, and discipline them, all without hurting them physically or mentally. I wasn’t aware of the Tyrese thing, but if he did that to his daughter, then he’s a douche in my book.
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Yes, Lord. I agree. We have to stop spanking. It is exactly for the reason you said that you can raise children without spanking them. I don’t know why we think spanking saves kids.
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Just gut reaction and lack of will power. There’s been times when I was stressed or tired or over being dad, and could’ve exploded or even grabbed one of them. But I didn’t. They knew I was mad, but I didn’t physically hurt them. I’ve heard that some consider a cultural or geographical norm to spank kids. Maybe 50 years ago. I don’t buy that argument in this day and age. I think all it does is build fear and eventually resentment. I want my boys to remember me as great dad, not an utter asshole. Just my opinion though. 😃
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Totally agree with that. We’re smarter now and we should know better. Exactly how I want Munch to remember me. Great opinion.
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Thanks. I don’t think you have to worry much about how he’ll remember you, by the way. 😊
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I hope so
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Have you read “Spare the Kids; why whupping children won’t save Black America” by Stacey Patton? Great book on this very subject
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I have and I’ve never read it. I just don’t believe in it anymore. I don’t know why we keep having this same argument. Stop spanking.
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I haven’t followed this situation closely but I saw the video of him crying about not having contact. I can’t take sides without knowing any details, but I do know some parents are moved to make false claims. and I’m thinking if the judge awarded 50/50 custody, it is likely that an investigation proved he wasn’t being abusive. I’ve been in front of a judge for custody matters and they take their jobs seriously in my experience.
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He always had it. They both had 50/50. He has supervised visits until June of 2018 and he can’t ever use corporal punishment so in essence he can never spank her. Some judges take it seriously, but if you look at the number of abused children being returned to their parents who experience far worse than a spanking the system is broken. I think he’s an ass. An abuser? I don’t know. But, now you got the law telling you that you can never spank your child again.
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yea see. if it was found that he abused her, I wonder if the 50/50 would still stand. but supervised visits are telling as well. I’ve only dealt with NYC.
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Girl, I have no respect for DCS in many states. I have heard of them wanting to reunite drug users with kids. But, I don’t think he should ever not be able to be near his child. Children need both parents. I just didn’t think we needed a judge to tell you not to hit your children.
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yup. some people do. a lot of people walking around scarred from things parents taught them to believe about themselves and the world, and for other reasons like this. happy thanksgiving!
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Great point’s! I try my best to take time to explain and try communicate with my daughter on her level. I truly think a lot of violent discipline comes down to availability of time and level’s of stress inside the home as well no matter what race or gender you might be. I truly believe when children act up it’s due to lack of attention in one area or another which isn’t really the kid’s fault. Say the kiddo is having a bad fit the parent then has the choice to sit down and explain why having a fit is bad behavior, what the parent could possibly be doing or attempting to get to bottom of why the child is having a fit in the first place, as well as what will happen if the fits continue. However who has that kinda time? Especially when your in line at the grocery store during thanksgiving, Sitting at a stoplight or even just at home trying to nurse another kid. Proven fact at this point that kid’s are smarter then we usually they think are so typically right when they need an explanation or a bit of extra attention is right when parent’s aren’t in position to give it. As far as the Tyrese situation goes I’d say there’s a chance it could just be all entertainment and pray for he and his daughter alike because either way the situation is sad very real for a lot of people.
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Agree. I’ve taught my son to express himself. He will act out and I’ll ask what’s going on and he will start saying “I’m just having a bad day.” I get it. Been there. It’s about making sure that he understands that we all have bad days, but we can’t be mean or disrespectful if we do. I prayed so hard for that little girl. The whole situation is a circus.
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Hi Tikeetha,
There are different levels to disciplining. Types of discipline has been eradicated, refined and formulated in brutal ways over centuries and within different cultures. Every parent is different and every child uniquely different. The only deciding factor is what appears as abuse. Spanking is not abuse yet a form of discipline. “Whooping” is heavier than spanking yet not defined as abuse. Brutal force that causes psychotic trauma and or physical harm is abuse.
As a single parent I have come up with some very creative ways when raising my boyz who are now grown adults. What I can tell you is they know how to write essays! LOL They were writing essays on Behavior, Brotherhood, the importance of not lying, etc beginning at age 10 and up. One way doesn’t fit each child and every behavior may dictate a different technique. Our responsibly as parents (even when we don’t know the best way) is to be aware of our child’s individuality and to always protect them in a way that they know without any doubt that the discipline is of love.
Thank you for always sharing your take. You, Munch and Mr. C have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I refuse to speak on Tyrese’ behavior.
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