Dying to Live

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.  I didn’t know this until last week when one of my fellow bloggers posted this. I reblogged and shared her post. I didn’t know there was such a thing as World Suicide Prevention Day. Why?

Because talking about suicide is considered taboo. Who wants to talk about death? Death is morbid right? Death should never be discussed in good conversations.

So, what am I going to do?

Talk about death. More specifically, the time I tried to take my own life. I was 14. I had a boyfriend. He broke up with me. Why? Because I had gotten raped by a classmate and he blamed me. He didn’t know about date rape and neither did I. But, I needed him to help me.

To help me cope. To tell me it’s not my fault. To support me through the trauma I had just experienced. He couldn’t. He chose to abandon me. I chose to kill myself that night.

I was 14. I was tired. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. I wanted to DIE. I wanted to end it all because the pain was unbearable. I felt alone. I had been raped and dumped within the span of 24 hours. I couldn’t breathe.

I took a bottle full of pills. Over the counter sleeping pills. I cried. I cut my wrists. Superficial wounds apparently. I called my best friend and said good-bye. She was the only one that I trusted. She called her mother for help.

Her mother called my mother. I was admitted to the hospital. I cried when they forced me to drink the dye to make me vomit. I cried harder. I just want to die. Why won’t you let me die?

My best friend held my hand and kept my secret. She told her mother and my mother that she didn’t know why I had tried to take my life. Sisterhood at its strongest. No one knew.

My silence was overwhelming. I cried. I didn’t talk. I just existed. My mom had to take the next few days off of work because I couldn’t be left alone. Left alone to keep my siblings. I was in immense pain.

An ache was in my spirit that was so unbearable that it took most of my energy to get out of bed and shower daily. That was all I did. Shower and put my pajamas back on. I cried and sat in my room looking for peace.

Dear God,

It’s me. Why won’t you let me die? I have nothing left to give. Man has taken my body repeatedly and now my boyfriend has taken my heart. Please let me die. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I promise it will make me feel better if you just let me die.

Signed,

I don’t want to live anymore.

That was my daily prayer. It consumed me. I knew that death would be easier than staying in this body that had been used by men with a broken heart and spirit. But, God.

God had other plans. God said no. My mother came in my room one day and sat on the bed and said, “As a parent you wish that you could kiss every tear that falls from your child’s eyes. To protect them from harm. But, you won’t talk to me. I don’t know how to help. But, I know that God hears all and will help you. Please pray to God. Tell him what’s going on since you won’t talk to me.” She left the room.

I got on my knees and prayed.

“God help me! Please God! I need you!” I cried out.

God heard my cry for help. He listened and saved me. The pain subsided and I was able to resume my daily activities, but I know what it feels like to feel trapped in the pain of your own head. I know how it feels to think that death is the only way out, but I promise you it’s not. The pain you’re in is temporary. It will end. I promise you.

Let’s talk about suicide. Let’s share our stories and let’s help others know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s World Suicide Prevention Day. Let’s save a life.

My Random Musings
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14 thoughts on “Dying to Live

  1. Ok so now you have me in tears. I knew it wouldn’t be wise to put on mascara today. I am so grateful that you shared your experience. People NEED to read truths like yours so they know they are not alone. The problem with rape and mental illness is the shame attached to it. The more we talk about it the less shame can have power over us.

    Bravo amiga. Thank you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. It was like God was pushing me to tell it. To let people know that they can get through this. I was ashamed for many years and it has just been in the last couple that I’ve been able to talk about it. It’s scary, but it’s like a big release. Thank you for letting me know about it so that I could share my story.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for writing this. I can relate to what you said. I think suicide is a super taboo topic. One I am extremely comfortable with since my job is to talk to suicidal people. I think you’re a strong woman and I’m so glad you got through that difficult time. Suprisingly, I didn’t know about National Suicide Prevention week until this week at work. I’ve been wanting to write a post about it, but haven’t been as brave as you. I appreciate your writing, insight and self reflection. I think true strength is letting oneself be vulnerable and share difficult experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Some days I don’t feel strong, but it’s like the last couple of years God has been pushing me to share my testimony with others. It was a difficult time and therapy, Jesus and wine have truly helped. I just want people to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can get through this.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you for reading. I wasn’t trying to make you cry. God’s been pushing me to tell my story because he believes that I can help someone. So, I’m opening up and sharing the scary.

      Like

  3. Very powerful, moving post. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I am glad you saw the light at the end of a long dark tunnel. You are right, this subject has been taboo far too long, awareness saves lives!
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes
    Debbie

    Liked by 1 person

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