Continued from last week’s post Jacob’s Girl – Part 1
My 20 year old love used to tell me I was beautiful and said all the right things to me. He wanted to take care of me. He wanted to just be with me. It was a short lived relationship that lasted as long as his kisses on my neck did. I was replaceable. I was a substitute for his dark demons. I was easily forgotten when he had his fill of me and it broke my heart. I didn’t know getting my heart broken would hurt so much. That was the summer I tried to take my own life. The pain of a broken heart was more than I could bear. It cut like a knife and each day I woke up with a pain that was agonizing. I trusted him and trust was an emotion that I couldn’t afford. Trust causes irreparable damage to the person who loses it. I lost part of myself that summer and I don’t think it ever came back. I learned a valuable lesson from him. I learned that men will always tell you what you want to hear and then drop you when it is convenient for them. I vowed never to feel that pain again.
Many years and many faces passed and I lived life like it was a never ending party. It was at night when I felt most alone, but I never wanted them to stay. I fell in and out of love like a ship tossed in the billowy sea. Love was fleeting and fun, but when it got too serious, I was over it. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to trust anyone and get hurt like I did with love number two, so many relationships started and ended within a span of three months.
It was in these times that Jacob and I became closer. Our relationship evolved. Jacob was my life line. He was the one that kept me centered. He was real. He could see through me and all the bullshit and know what I truly needed and felt. I didn’t want Jacob to leave. When we were together, I only wanted his attention and focus to be on me. Many times we stayed in and made love and talked for hours. His kisses were like hot stones warming my soul. His touch felt of warm milk and love. I was safe. I felt safe. Jacob kept me safe. I was scared and so was Jacob. I tried to show him my love and devotion through my sex. I wanted him to feel how much I loved him. To know that I would do anything and everything he wanted me to if he just let me. It was need. It was a need that was both primal and carnal in nature. I needed him. I needed him to the point that I put myself through crap with other women, because I loved him. I craved him. He was my anchor. He was my heart and I didn’t want to imagine life without him. Jacob was my King.
Jacob was both a simple and complex individual. One thing he didn’t want was to get hurt. So, he guarded his heart like the Hope Diamond and all the women, including yours truly, competed to be the one he would someday give his heart to. I demeaned myself by allowing Jacob to only give me pieces of himself when he felt generous enough to grace my bedroom. It was in those moments, I became a crack addict choosing to let my inhibitions, wisdom and common sense go out of the window because my King Jacob was home. He was safe and I could sleep better in his arms. I felt complete. I was Jacob’s one and only for 12 hours at a time. In my mind, those 12 hours were better than winning a lottery ticket because Jacob showed me he loved me, wanted me and needed me with each powerful thrust. With each kiss on my neck and massage of my back, Jacob was giving himself to me, pouring his seed into my womb trying to create his own little Adam or Eve to slow me down. With each passing month, I grew frustrated because I couldn’t possess a piece of the infamous Jacob. I was broken. I would bear him no Adam or Eve and he would not stay with me. I betrayed Jacob with my pillow talk and he felt as though he couldn’t trust me. You see to trust me he had to give himself to me in a way that involved his most valuable item…his heart and I just wasn’t worth it.
-To Be Continued-