Reblog: Did He Just Ghost Me?

This is a reblog of a prior post that I wrote prior to finding Mr. C. In this dating series, I’m trying to share with you some of my experiences to encourage you to not give up hope. I’ve been there….

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Okay, so many of you know by now what ghosting is. If you don’t, please check out this definition on Urban Dictionary:

The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

Well, I was wondering if Mr. A ghosted me. Let me tell you what happened. Mr. A and I had been talking for the last couple of months. Met a couple of times over coffee and just settled into a nice and friendly let’s get to know each other situation. Well, Mr. A just suddenly and out of nowhere stopped calling and texting me. I called a couple of times. Sent a couple of texts (okay 1) and got no response. Two weeks went by and I just suddenly walked away from the situation and deleted his contact information from the phone.fus_amsf_monitor_ghosting_tinder_center

I mentioned to my girlfriend how he just up and disappeared without no rhyme or reason and I was kind of shocked. I mean I thought we had great communication and the chemistry was cool so why would he just vanish on me? Not one to chase a man without knowing him, I backed off and kept it moving. Dating other men who seemed more emotionally stable.

Then I read this article talking about ghosting and realized that Mr. A probably ghosted me. Why? No idea. I was kind of bummed. More like pissed with a side of I want to set your pants on fire, but I got over it. I just exhaled, put my Left-eye ego in check and realized that it wasn’t me it was him. He was missing out on this fine, thick chocolate sister who is awesome. His loss!

So, I’m sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon, exhausted from the heat (munch had a soccer game earlier that day) when I get a text from Mr. A out of the blue. Now, I had no idea who it was texting me and acting like I know them but the funny thing about deleting someone the text history re-appears and you know who it is. Here’s a screen shot of the conversation:

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As you can see by my exchange, I’m kind of hot that he would be trying to rewind on me after ghosting with no explanation. Oh, I’m sorry, his explanation was that he was “very busy”. Heck, you are not that busy where by you can’t send a text that says “Got your messages. I’m really busy. Will touch base with  you soon”. But, he’s a man right? No real need to communicate with me woman after ghosting.

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So, after my “Oh okay. Well nice hearing from you” text response he actually picked up the phone to call. He wasn’t sorry about ghosting. He kept reiterating how busy he was and it wasn’t personal and he wasn’t ghosting me and trying to rewind. He then had the nerve to say that I could have called again. Really? I politely told Mr. A “Do it again and don’t bother calling me. You’re almost 48 and you know what is acceptable behavior. If not, I will show you”.

He’s asked me out next week when Munch goes back to visit his dad. Apparently he likes my smart and sassy mouth. Too bad I’m washing my hair.

Until next time loves!

6 Dating Mistakes Women Make

This is a roll call to all the women out there who’ve made mistakes while dating. You date men only to find out that the man you thought was the one was in fact a dud. You start to review the reel of your relationship no matter how small or insignificant in your head. You start to wonder “Where did I go wrong?” Has that ever happened to you?

It’s happened to me. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I made plenty of mistakes while dating and I’m the first to say “Learn from my mistakes”. I want to save you time and trouble while you navigate this dating world.

So, I compiled a list of 6 dating mistakes that women make in hopes that I’m able to help you recognize if you’re making them too. If you’re doing any of these things, I beg you love to run for the hills and stop it. Take a dating hiatus and get back to the basics of loving and dating you.

  1. I gave the benefit of the doubt. This was a big one for me. I gave the benefit of the doubt to a lot of men who frankly didn’t deserve it. The thing is that they were showing me who they were and telling me something different. I listened to their words instead of their action. That is a big no-no. Maya Angelou said it best “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
  2. No boundaries. I used to allow the men that I dated to set my boundaries. Sure, you can call me for a last minute date. Sure, I can come over at 11pm. Sure, I can take you there. Sure, I can (fill in the blank). You see what I was doing? I wasn’t setting boundaries. There are rules to anything including dating me and I didn’t set or express my boundaries. I was trying to be a free spirit. That’s not me. Be you and set those boundaries.
  3. Something is better than nothing. Umm, no it’s not. We shouldn’t settle. I refuse to waste anymore time with people that aren’t worthy. Why are you settling for less than what you deserve? Some of us are so happy to have a piece of a man that we are willing to settle for a piece than the whole person. That’s a lie and one you should stop telling yourself right now. You deserve it all love. Nothing is better than something that causes you pain.
  4. Waste my time. Time is a big thing for me. It matters. More than money. Time is something that I can’t get back. You can always make more money. You can’t get back time once its wasted. That is a big thing. I wasted my time with men that I knew we could never be nothing more. I’m not talking the first couple of dates. I’m talking the first couple of months. I just continued to waste my time instead of putting them in the block category and moving on. Life is too short to waste time with anyone.
  5. Lowering my standards. I’m not going to lower my standards when it comes to dating men and neither should you. Why should you? So, you can have a man? This goes hand in hand with number 3. Don’t lower your standards or expectations in a relationship just so you can get or keep a man. If he can’t meet you where you are, move on girl!
  6. Giving up the cookies too soon. Mr. C and I are practicing abstinence, but I know that not everyone is at that point in their life and I respect that. However, I tell you this…if a man is not willing to wait for you he is not the man for you. I heard a man once say that if a man can wait for a pair of shoes, a new video game or a promotion he can wait to have sex. You see that? Men will wait. You just have to be diligent in your desire to know that you are worth the wait. It’s okay to walk away if a man tells you that he won’t wait. Nothing wrong with saying “Okay, well be blessed and bye”. You are worth the wait. Real men know that.

Those are my 6 dating mistakes and trust me, I’ve made them all. I’m not judging you. I’m trying to help you move beyond the present and envision a future where you’ve got the love you want. It is possible.

Any other dating mistakes you think women make? How do you feel about the list? Have you made these mistakes?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Dating: Mr. Potential

Dating is hard. I know. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to try to push Mr. Potential into a possibility category. But, don’t do it sis. Go through the process because it’s in that process where you’ll find out who is just a man with potential and who is is the man with possibility.

I did it. I would meet a great guy and think “Wow, he’s awesome. I think he may be the one.” Really? I had only known the man about a month but was already thinking he was special enough to be in the possibility category. I was jumping the gun. I know I’m not alone. Some of you are probably doing this right now.

I’m here to encourage you to stop that. Stop giving potentials real chances to screw your emotions over. Dating is a process. So many times we are trying to rush it and when we’re busy rushing it we forget what it’s like to truly get to know someone. How can a man woo you when you’re busy picking out china patterns or naming your future children?

He can’t. He will either do one of two things. Play you by stringing you along or run for the hills because he thinks you’re crazy. It’s true. Take a step back and breathe baby girl. Give him a chance to get to know you and you take the time to know him. Here are some ways you can tell if you are putting his potential into the possibility category:

  1. If he seems to be giving you all his spare time. Look it’s exciting when you meet a man that seems perfect, but just because he is giving you time doesn’t mean that you should rush it and put him in the possibility category. Slow down and get to know each other and see if you both want to be exclusive. I’ve been there. I dated a man that seemed to give me all his free time so I thought “Hmm, he may be the one.” Nope, he was just being cheap and not wanting to date multiple women at the same time. After getting to know him I realized that there was a possibility for him…to be someone else’s man. Not mine.
  2. If he invites you to meet his family and friends after a couple of weeks. Look, I know that it’s exciting to think that a man is the one after a couple of months, but stop rushing it. I would run for the hills if a man offered me to meet his children after a couple of weeks. Really? Why would he do that? Think about it.  Take your time and process all the signs he displays. Mr. C didn’t meet Munch until 9 months after we started dating and it was at church for all of 5 minutes. No pressure. No rush. It was 3 months later when he met him for the second time at my house. You see. I was taking it slow. Stop being impressed with a man that wants to introduce you to his friends and family after a couple of weeks. Something sounds fishy there. Slow down and get to know each other.
  3. If he’s got an impressive resume, but you have to keep making the first move. Now, I’m all about grabbing a bull by the horns and riding said bull into the sunset, but you have to stop and think. Men are hunters. They like to chase. They also don’t want you to be so demure and shy that you think that they should do everything. Be somewhat aggressive and yet reserved. I don’t care how good his resume is, if he’s not chasing after you for dates or time spent talking and getting to know you – he’s seeing other women or he’s just not into you. Either way you need to accept it sis. No biggie. Let him go and keep looking for the one you’re supposed to be with.
  4. You see his side hustles and entrepreneurial spirit as a reason he’s always broke. Umm, nope. Mr. C told me when we first started dating that “Roland Martin said a black man in America has to work more than one job.” I died laughing. He was serious. He told me this because he works two jobs. He has bills, family obligations and things he needs and wants to do. I get it. But, he’s still the man who has time to date me and pay for those dates. I do pay occasionally, but I’m not financing our relationship. A grown man will figure out how to date you while paying his bills. Let me repeat that…a grown man will figure out how to date you and still pay his bills.
  5. You see his situation as temporary and you’re willing to have his back. If he’s unemployed, broke or broken through hardships not of his own doing, I get it. Life happens. But, why would you try to date when you are going through the worst season of your life? I mean I get it. We all need companionship, but I don’t want to support you in the dating stage. Not when we first meet. Give it some time. I mean at this point, I would give Mr. C some money because we love each other. Why? Because I know that if he ever asked me for it he would need it. I would have his back because I know that he would do the same. However, I wouldn’t do this if we had just met. A man needs to have boundaries when you first meet. I shouldn’t know how broke you are unless you’re looking for friendship. And if you are looking for only friendship, I need you to say no to the woman that is going to come and try to support you. She’s enabling you. Stop letting a woman take care of you financially.

Do you date on potential? Have you ever dated on potential? Is there anything you would add to this list?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Dating Requirements: At A Minimum

I told you yesterday how I believe that women shouldn’t have to audition for the wife role while in relationships with men and the reasons why. But, let’s go further. Let’s dig into what we women should expect when dating a man.

There are four main things that I would say that you should expect from a man at a minimum. These are non-negotiable items. You can’t short change yourself and not have one because trust me you will end up in hell. The four main things that are a minimum in dating are:  respect, honesty, transparency and stability.

  1. Respect – That’s a given. If he doesn’t respect you then you should kick him to the curb. Stop wasting your time on a man that can’t respect you. Whether it is him doing what he says he’s going to do or not chasing after other women when you’re in a committed relationship, respect is a minimum.
  2. Honesty – This is also a given, but you would be surprised the number of women who will accept a man’s lies and try to repackage it and sell it is alternative facts. We have to stop doing this. I don’t deal in lies. My momma used to say that my daddy “Would lie between two rain drops” and that always made me laugh. But, as a woman there are men out there that lie all the time and for no dang reason or for the reason of trying to spare your feelings. A man that is not honest is not the man for you sis.
  3. Transparency – His life and all the many facets of it should be transparent to you. You shouldn’t have to guess who is family and friends are, where he works, what his kids look like, etc. He should be open to presenting you to his family and friends and trying to make his life an open book to you. I’m not saying that he has to do this on day one, but when you’ve both decided to get serious then he should have no problems being transparent with you.
  4. Stability – He should be able to support himself without you. The end. You are not his financier. Heck, you’re not even his fiance. A man has to be able to support himself without you. It’s interesting, when I was young and single and dating, men just paid for things. Took me out to expensive restaurants and we shared our life’s ups and downs together. They celebrated me. They knew how to date me. I never expected a man to take me out to dinner and he couldn’t pay his rent. A man has his priorities in order. That wouldn’t happen. A lot of men that I encountered while dating wanted to pay on the first date and then have me pay thereafter. Umm, why? Are you not financially able to date me? Then be honest. We can be friends and I can choose to pay for my own meal if we go out. I had a friend once tell me that a real man will figure it out. He knows his bills and responsibilities and he will not be expecting you to finance the relationship.

At a minimum, every man you date should have the above qualities.  If not, you will fall into some serious dating traps. What traps? We’ll discuss those in tomorrow’s post.

What are some of the things that you expect of a man that you’re dating? What are your deal breakers?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Reblog: Visualize Love

This is a reblog of a prior post and I wanted to share it with you. What’s interesting is that Mr. C and I met at the end of 2015 and I have the kind of love that I visualized. You can too. Just believe…

You know what? I want to love and be in love. That was my birthday wish for 2015. It’s only two months into the new year, but it’s February and this month is about love (at least until the 14th, LOL) and I wanted to make sure that I verbalized and visualized my wish. Yep, visualized. Love hasn’t happened so I started thinking about creating a vision board for love. But, before that I needed to be specific about the kind of love I wanted. So, here goes…

I want the kind of love that leaves no doubt. You know that kind of love where he walks in the door and sees me and his face lights up because being home with me is better than being out in the world. Why? Because I provide refuge from his journey fighting all the evil forces outside of our home. The kind of good loving where we calm each other’s weary spirit just by being in the same vicinity. Where we accept that we are not perfect, but we vow that we will never demean or belittle each other. Where we won’t call each other out our names in anger and where we will always make up before we go to bed because we know that by staying angry and sleeping with it we are inviting trouble into our home and we are not having that.

I want the kind of love where my son will feel the strength of this man’s spirit and know that his mommy is in good hands because THIS MAN loves his mommy almost as much as he does and that makes him feel safe. I want the kind of love that a strong man won’t ever deny and he would tell a woman in his office or a man on the streets that no one is better for him than me. Why? Because I am the missing puzzle he’s searched his whole life to find and he knows that we just fit.

I want the kind of love where disappointments are just that. They are not preludes to bigger blow-ups or causes for domestic violence. I want a strong and healthy man who can talk and communicate his feelings to me both good and bad and know that I will always listen. Why? Because he talks to me as an equal partner and not as a last resort. I am the first person he finds when his world seems out of balance because like I said before we calm each other’s weary spirit.

I want the kind of love that will leave me breathless when I talk about the man that God has sent my way. The man who makes me smile just because he opened his eyes. The man who knows that I love him more than I could ever say and that each time I cook for him, it is because I want to and not because he expects me too.

I want the kind of love that doesn’t hurt. You know the kind of love that they talk about in the Bible.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NKJV)

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I want that old fashioned love that Frankie Beverly and Luther Vandross sang about. I want the kind of love where we know each other’s love language and we make sure that we are listening and embracing the language. I want that good ole love that won’t ever fail. That’s what kind of love I’m visualizing in 2015. But, until it comes, I will continue to love, honor and respect myself. I will strive each day to be the best person I can be until the day that God sends that verbalized and visualized kind of love my way.

LOVE_sculpture_NY

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Black Women vs. White Women

Why do they always seem to put us up against one another? Why is it that it’s always in the news that black men prefer white women or that black women have bad attitudes? Why is it that society can’t seem to find us beautiful?

If it’s not one thing, it’s another, but this is no pity piece. I don’t need your sympathy or coaxing to tell me that I’m beautiful. Hell, I know I am! My confidence and self-esteem are not defined by society nor shattered by their comments. I love me. The skin I’m in and the woman that I am.

My issue is when people want to pit us against one another. Can’t we all just get along? I mean seriously. I have some cool white girlfriends that I call my sisters and hell I’m sure that they think I’m a cool black girlfriend. Race doesn’t divide us. Our genders unite us. We are about the success of women.

So, you’re probably asking what’s got me fit to be tied? It’s this constantly circulated stereotype that asks the question why do black men prefer white women? Last week one of the bloggers I follow, Sunny over at Grown Folk Talk Radio, posted the Instagram page of a Washington Redskins player who asked the question of why do black athletes marry white women?

I’m sure it was written to get everyone in an uproar. I mean what isn’t done on social media for likes or comments? But, one “athlete” in particular posted this foolishness:

Was I hot? Absolutely. The whole response is meant to divide us. To play one race of women against another is pathetic and I’m so tired of that foolishness. Let’s be clear…love who the hell you want too. I don’t care. But, what I won’t do is allow my race and gender to be disrespected in any way. I have to set the record straight.

Here’s the thing…that question is asked to divide instead of unite us. People can’t help who they love. Color is not blind. Love is. You choose to fall in love. Love is amazing, but if you are choosing to love people that are not in your race then I wonder do you truly know what the meaning of love is? Self-love is the first step to recognizing and accepting love.

Now, my issue is the fact that this gentleman’s argument was flawed. Here’s why…

  • Most of the sisters were raised in broken homes.  What statistics back that up when it is a whole lot of women choosing not to marry but have children? You are sitting there trying to refer to us as your sisters while throwing shade? That is whack? If sisters are growing up in broken homes, where is the man who could fix that? I mean if your argument is that a man leads, why is he not leading the family?
  • They don’t have the proper guidance on how to treat a man. Umm, what is the proper guidance? Is there a class? Where are boys taught how to treat a woman? What are the ways in which we are supposed to treat you? This my friend is call for action instead of trying to destroy us. Teach at the Boys and Girls club or get involved with local community organizations to teach children how to communicate effectively.
  • A white woman knows her position and accepts her role. Are you kidding me? I know many white women who are alpha females and married to great men that lead the family, but they are not docile women cowering in the corner. Where are you meeting these women? Does your girlfriend know that you think of her in those terms?
  • Black women think that it is 50/50. If I went to college and grad school like you why would I want anything less than 50/50? Does that mean that we are splitting the finances down the middle? No. It means that I will be an equal contributor to our family’s future. That is what it means. Is that bad? Nope.  But, on the flip side that doesn’t mean that I will support a man trying to be a rapper in his 40’s. You are not bringing your all to the table sir. Relationships evolve and people set their own rules, but to dismiss someone’s belief is close minded.
  • Black women are stubborn, close minded and always want to argue. Umm, where are you meeting these women? See, you can always find some stubborn and close minded people that want to argue regardless of race or gender. This is not something you can put on all black women.
  • Black women are not coachable. What? Are you a therapist? Because I will tell you that I’ve always said black people (not just black women) need three things: Jesus, wine and therapy. We need help. It is not just black women. How can a man coach a woman if he secretly hates them? That is what the real issue is.

This whole argument spoke of ways to divide us and I for one am tired of it. These small minded individuals are petty and obviously unhappy with their lives that they feel the need to speak such foolishness. Last time I checked it took two people to make a relationship and/or marriage work.

In the interest of self disclosure…my dad walked out on us when I was 9. The oldest of 3 kids. He didn’t financially contribute to our upbringing. Nor was he physically present in our lives….EVER. Where the hell is the outrage for the men who just don’t care and don’t give a f*ck about the kids they leave behind? Would you expect a woman who didn’t have a father who wasn’t a man not to have any issues? Anyone would. Yet, I’m the problem. Not the man that left?

So, no my momma wasn’t teaching me how to be a dutiful wife and know my place. She was out there busting her butt working 3 jobs to provide for us because the man she married didn’t think his children were worth it. All while making $16,000 a year. Do you know how hard that is? There were no talks of how you should treat a man. We had food security issues.  That was more concerning.

The key to relationships regardless of race is communication. We all need to learn how to talk to each other in our relationships. If you’re dating someone and they do something you don’t like, talk to them. Give them an opportunity to correct their behavior. If they don’t, move on. But, stop trying to blame black women for the ills of black men or stop trying to divide black women and white women. We all have battles to fight.

P.S. The supposed “athlete” is really not a professional football player.  I hope that all women know what kind of foolish and deceitful man this person is.

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Playing Games

I had a conversation with my male best friend this weekend about this woman he’s dating. He was telling me that he’s cutting her off because he doesn’t like the games she plays. I asked him what game is she playing? He said “the game of passive/aggressive I’m going to try to get you to step up and say that you want me to be in a relationship with you exclusively” game.

I sighed.

He was struggling. He hadn’t had a successful relationship since his marriage ended six years ago. He never allowed anyone to get close. He didn’t believe in love.

It was always the same story with women. They get too close and he finds a way to break it off and run for the hills. However, she was new. She had lasted a while. It had been six months. He said she was smart, beautiful and successful. He had hinted that there were things wrong with her though.

She had her issues. “Everyone has issues” I said. “I know, but I don’t like a woman that tries to control my life or tell me what I will and won’t do.” I asked “What did she say?” He told me that she told him that once that are in a committed relationship that I can no longer come over to his house and visit. Umm.

“Well, if that’s what ya’ll do I’m cool with it” I said. “No one tells me who can come over to my house. She doesn’t pay this mortgage and I don’t like that. It’s not like you come over all the time.” I laughed.

He’s right. We’ve been friends 29 years this August. A long friendship. Many twists and turns and we’ve managed to not kill each other. It says a lot. I trust him. He has my back. Not sure if I met him or Nikki first, but the bond is deep. The bond is real. Friends for almost 3 decades and you want to put limits on that friendship. I’m not sure how I feel about it. But, I respect his choices.

He’s right on some things. Wrong on others. But, is she playing games? I don’t think so. I think that she really likes him and just wants an exclusive relationship. She wants to know that she’s number one. Many women want that.

She was wrong to try and tell him what to do, but he doesn’t communicate well. He’s always testing women. I think there’s something to be said about two people sitting back and having a conversation about the future of their relationship. It may not come out the way you want, but you can’t say that you didn’t tell each other how you feel. We’re too old to not tell people how we feel.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.