Fight or Flight

I told ya’ll that I was going through stress. I’ve been trying to do meditation (still a work in progress), exercise and practicing mindfulness to help combat this. Last week I was really stressed out and venting to my man. I needed to hear his soothing words and comfort.

He did. But, there was an instance that he accused me of using the Lord’s name in vain. I didn’t. But, he felt that my word was too close and it offended him morally. I paused. I had to check myself because I was going to say something that would have had him questioning whether or not he wanted to be my man. Yep, I can be slick. But, I paused.

There is something about pausing.

Pausing allows you to check yourself. Pausing allows you to really get a hold of your words and head before they exit your mouth. I paused before I lost my mind and temper.

I sighed. I said “This conversation is beginning to stress me out, so I’m going to bid you a good night and we’ll talk later.” He said okay and we got off the phone.

I thought – This man has lost his ever loving mind and I can’t believe that we are going through this. This is too much drama and I don’t know if he gets me. How can I be in a relationship with a man that censors me or my thoughts?

I called my best friend because you know that I needed someone to give me a reality check about my situation. She listened to me vent and said she sees both sides of the issue. But, she told me to take a few days and just get through what I’m going to before circling back with him. I told her “Uh huh. Okay. I will.”

She paused.

She said “Kee, look I need you to take a few days and get your head around what you’re going through so that you can process your feelings about what occurred with you two. Don’t let your fear help you take flight on one of the best relationships you’ve ever had.”

Well damn.

She acted like she knew me. Yes, I tend to run when things don’t feel right, but that’s part of my personality. I’ve learned to trust my instincts and when I want to be out, I will be. Plain and simple. No need to sugar coat it. Life’s too short.

But, I paused.

She was right. I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t entitled to feel the way I feel, but I didn’t want to combine the issues and make him pay for something he didn’t do because I was in a bad space. That wasn’t fair too him. He and I needed to talk.

The good news is that I couldn’t wait a few days. I woke up the next morning needing to talk to him. I called him and told him how I felt. I told him that I respect his morals and values, but I felt as though he wasn’t listening to me and further more that he chose that moment to interrupt me as though I stabbed him. I explained that I needed him to tell me how I was supposed to be in a relationship with someone that I couldn’t be myself with? Someone who censored me.

He paused.

Man when I tell you that there is a purpose for the pause, believe it. There is always a purpose. He explained his position, but he told me that he didn’t want me to feel censored in any way. He told me that he wasn’t censoring me and he just felt the need to say something.

I explained that I was going to run, but my best friend called me on my BS. I was scared. Scared that he wasn’t as good of a person as I thought. I know it wasn’t fair, but I needed to talk to him and be reassured that I could trust him with everything. My deepest fears. My biggest dreams. Me.

I wasn’t ready to walk away from the man that made me think that I could do anything, but I couldn’t be with someone who wanted to censor me. I spent so many years in the corner trying to figure out my life that I don’t believe in that anymore. What you see is what you get so I need you to be as transparent with me as I am with you. Open and honest. Free flowing and free thinking. I need that.

Does this mean that we’re okay? Yeah. We’re good. The thing is that relationships are about learning each other and trying to find the common ground. Knowing what affects him matters to me and I’m sure it goes for him. It’s not perfect and this was a major hurdle to climb over, but I’m not too grown to know when I was wrong and vice versa. The joys of relationships.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

 

Reblog: Visualize Love

This is a reblog of a prior post and I wanted to share it with you. What’s interesting is that Mr. C and I met at the end of 2015 and I have the kind of love that I visualized. You can too. Just believe…

You know what? I want to love and be in love. That was my birthday wish for 2015. It’s only two months into the new year, but it’s February and this month is about love (at least until the 14th, LOL) and I wanted to make sure that I verbalized and visualized my wish. Yep, visualized. Love hasn’t happened so I started thinking about creating a vision board for love. But, before that I needed to be specific about the kind of love I wanted. So, here goes…

I want the kind of love that leaves no doubt. You know that kind of love where he walks in the door and sees me and his face lights up because being home with me is better than being out in the world. Why? Because I provide refuge from his journey fighting all the evil forces outside of our home. The kind of good loving where we calm each other’s weary spirit just by being in the same vicinity. Where we accept that we are not perfect, but we vow that we will never demean or belittle each other. Where we won’t call each other out our names in anger and where we will always make up before we go to bed because we know that by staying angry and sleeping with it we are inviting trouble into our home and we are not having that.

I want the kind of love where my son will feel the strength of this man’s spirit and know that his mommy is in good hands because THIS MAN loves his mommy almost as much as he does and that makes him feel safe. I want the kind of love that a strong man won’t ever deny and he would tell a woman in his office or a man on the streets that no one is better for him than me. Why? Because I am the missing puzzle he’s searched his whole life to find and he knows that we just fit.

I want the kind of love where disappointments are just that. They are not preludes to bigger blow-ups or causes for domestic violence. I want a strong and healthy man who can talk and communicate his feelings to me both good and bad and know that I will always listen. Why? Because he talks to me as an equal partner and not as a last resort. I am the first person he finds when his world seems out of balance because like I said before we calm each other’s weary spirit.

I want the kind of love that will leave me breathless when I talk about the man that God has sent my way. The man who makes me smile just because he opened his eyes. The man who knows that I love him more than I could ever say and that each time I cook for him, it is because I want to and not because he expects me too.

I want the kind of love that doesn’t hurt. You know the kind of love that they talk about in the Bible.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NKJV)

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I want that old fashioned love that Frankie Beverly and Luther Vandross sang about. I want the kind of love where we know each other’s love language and we make sure that we are listening and embracing the language. I want that good ole love that won’t ever fail. That’s what kind of love I’m visualizing in 2015. But, until it comes, I will continue to love, honor and respect myself. I will strive each day to be the best person I can be until the day that God sends that verbalized and visualized kind of love my way.

LOVE_sculpture_NY

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Doubt

I doubt he will ever know the depth of my love for him. I try to tell him. To slowly unveil pieces of my soul like my favorite chocolate, but he doesn’t get it. The wall is slowly beginning to crumble from around my heart.

Each kiss, each touch and each kind word spoken allows me to let him in. To grow with emotional intimacy. To create depth where there was none. To allow honesty to flow from the stream of my lips. To allow faithfulness to be in my actions.

I am not perfect. I doubt he is either.

I just know that where I am and where he is – is where we’re supposed to be.

Together.

Joined in perfect harmony.

Creating a blissful and healthy relationship.

 

This post is inspired by The Daily Prompt. The word was doubt

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

What Is Love? ❤

In case you’re wondering what love is, please check out this beautiful post on what love is…

Love is not just exploring good qualities of each other. It is also accepting flaws in him/her with an open heart and guiding them for their betterment and progress. The real happiness lies is seei…

Source: What Is Love? ❤

My New Valentine

As today is the 14th of February and many of you are probably knee deep in your Valentine’s Day crushes, scavenger hunts, dinners and/or dessert I wanted to wish a Happy Valentine’s Day to my new valentine…Mr.C. I wrote these words for him…

How could you ever fall in love with a neurotic woman like me? My rules? My requirements? My unwillingness to see things beyond black and white?

I am me.

I am structured.

I am learning.

Learning how to let go. Learning how to see that things don’t always have to make sense. There is beauty in the unknown. Thank you for letting me see that.

Thank for for letting me grow in this space where you provide love and respect. Thank you for seeing my habits as cute and not weird and if you do see them as weird, thank you for loving them and me just the same.

Thank you for moments.

Moments that have taken my breath away. Moments spent with me and my son. Moments spent just cuddled up and watching a movie. They matter to me.

I think the best part of loving you is knowing that you see my scars from all the trauma and love me. You see them as beautiful. You see me as beautiful. You truly see me and for that I am thankful.

happy-valentines-day-poems-7

This post is part of Ritu’s #loveuary challenge. Check it out and link to it.

 

#Loveuary❤ – Rules And A Prompt List Of Sorts!

If you’re looking for inspiration, take the #loveuary challenge.

❤

As you know, I am embarking on a month of love related posts, be it creative or thoughts from the heart. I don’t know if anyone is interested in accompanying me on my journey of ‘love&#…

Source: #Loveuary❤ – Rules And A Prompt List Of Sorts!

Motivational Monday Moment – 10/31/16

Continuing with last week’s Motivational Monday Moment about love, I want to talk about love of self. As I was sitting there watching this beautiful couple get married, I realized how much self-love matters. How can you find true happiness if you don’t love yourself first? How can anyone make you happy if you don’t love you?

So, my Motivational Monday Moment is about self-love.  Self-love is described as

self-love (n)

the instinct by which one’s actions are directed to the promotion of one’s own welfare or well-being, especially an excessive regard for one’s own advantage.

Now, while the dictionary makes it sound like it may not be a good thing, let me tell you why I think it is advantageous for you to love yourself. Ready? Okay, who is going to love you more than you do on this Earth?

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Stay with me for a minute okay?

When we’re young we’re taught that we must be nice. We must be good people and that some people are mean and that we’re supposed to continue being nice and just love those people. Any of you heard that one? Love everyone. Love your neighbor as you would yourself.

But, when you get older you realize that is a piece of crap. How can you love someone that is mean to you? Want to know a secret?

selfcareisnt-selfish

You can’t.

You can’t love someone who hates and despises you and you shouldn’t have too. This lie that we tell each other about loving people in spite of how they treat you is why we end up in narcissistic relationships with people that don’t wish us well. We accept the abuse believing that we’re supposed to keep taking it.

Umm, I’m here to tell you that it is not true.

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Let me explain something to you…Our God doesn’t love you in a narcissistic and demeaning way so why would you allow man to do that to you? When we realize and accept that God’s love is all powerful and encompassing and it anchors our spirit….we’re able to make better choices.

Like the choice of loving yourself more. Self-love or self-care means putting yourself first. You have to do what is best for you. What is healthy for you? Regardless of what anyone says you can’t allow toxic people or personalities to destroy the inner spirit of you. I know.

I’m learning.

Cutting someone out is hard. You think that you can’t do it. But, you know what? You can. You have to choose you over them. You have to do what is best for your sanity because like I said in the beginning…no one can love you better than you.

love-yourself

When you really and truly love yourself and realize your worth, you don’t continue to try and grow in desolate places and situations with people who are not on your level. You release your true spirit and began to put roots in healthy dirt. You start to trust yourself and love yourself.

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More importantly….you start to forgive yourself.

For what?

All the bad choices. All the bad things that you thought you had to endure out of a belief that if you didn’t you somehow weren’t a good person. And that is when the real stuff starts to happen.

You start to cry. Not sad tears. Cleansing tears. Happy tears.

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You start to smile. You start to see the beauty in the simple things.

You start to breathe. Inhaling and realizing that the air is not being stifled by those who wish to harm you. You start to love you.

Slowly at first. You’re scared. It’s tentative. But, you do. And you know what? It’s good.

So, go on and love yourself more. More than anyone. Love that person with all your might and know that only a healthy love of self can move you into what’s next.