Continued from last week’s post: Jacob’s Girl – Part 2
Years of thrusting, loving, sexing and fucking and we were growing closer and closer and I kept falling like Alice in Wonderland, down that got damned hole and I couldn’t get out. Then it happened one day…Jacob gave his seed to another. She was to bear him his Adam. The light went dark on my heart and spirit. I cried for hours wishing it were me. Cursing God for it was He who was keeping me from getting pregnant. It was He who had allowed me to have a broken womb. My womb was supposed to carry my King’s descendants and now another would bear him fruit.
I grew bitter and silently cursed myself and the world. I became a shell. I still let Jacob visit my bed because it was better to be his desperate and barren mistress than to feel him no more inside of me. As she grew bigger and more demanding of his time, I couldn’t go on. I yearned for a wholeness that I didn’t have. Jacob and I stopped sleeping together and that is when I met my fourth love.
He came into my life speaking a new language of love. A language of forgiveness and acceptance. Of beauty and grace. He recognized my broken spirit and wanted to make me whole. He wanted to be the light in my eyes and the smile on my face. He wanted to save me from the darkness that had engulfed my spirit since Jacob’s seed began growing. He wanted me. He spoke of promises of a better future and teaching me how to love and make love and know love and appreciate love. I told him I was unsure because Jacob’s hold on me was strong and I loved me some him. I told him that I belonged to Jacob. He kissed me and told me to let him show me the light. He would take the lead and protect me from the Jacob’s of the world. He would remind me that I am his queen and would be the bearer of his dynasty. He would give me dreams of opulence and fun times filled with laughter. But like everyone else, he too was flawed.
He would be two people. He had a bad temper. His temper would remind me that he was no Jacob. Jacob would never yell at me or say hurtful things to destroy me into loving him. Jacob would be supportive. Jacob would kiss my tears and hold me tight instead of watching me cry and ignoring the pain in my eyes. I rebelled and told him that I would no longer be his emotional whipping post, but that I had a mind and a spirit that deserved better and if he couldn’t control his demons, I would leave his ass.
But where would I go? I had left Jacob when his other woman gave birth to his Adam three days after my birthday. I told Jacob that I could hurt no more and that my new love wanted me completely. He wanted to show me the world and no more 12 hour time limits. I cried in Jacob’s car that night and said I can’t do it no more. I can’t watch you be happy with your family and wish you were with me. I can’t be your concubine, bitch, love slave or jump off. I can’t be your dirty little secret when he wants me to be his wife. I left Jacob that cold winter’s night and walked away with my heart broken in pieces.
Time moved quickly and I let my new love fill the cracks of my broken heart with his love and smile. I became blissfully happy and ignorant to the fact that I needed Jacob like I needed my lungs to breathe. I let the days pass into weeks and the weeks pass into months and occasionally spoke to Jacob. I assured him that I was gloriously in love and that everything was perfect. I wanted Jacob to miss me and want me as badly as I wanted him, but I wasn’t going to let him destroy this man’s love for me.
My new love had only one wish and that wish was that I put him first. No Jacob. Jacob was to be cut off like a limb with gangrene. Jacob couldn’t exist in this new world I was living. I had to let Jacob go in my heart. I had to choose. I did. I chose to be the number one instead of the no one. I chose to be happy with someone who wanted to show me off to the world instead of keeping me locked up. But like many recovering addicts, I was replacing one addiction with another. My new love became my addiction.
-To Be Continued-