This is going to be a two part post because I have to tell ya’ll what’s going on and I don’t want it to drag out. Please bear with me because I will want some advice in the end. Here’s what happened…
Last month, Mr. C and I took our children to view the National Christmas tree and to dinner afterwards. His son is 18 and Munch is 8. Two different decades and nothing much in common. It was my first time meeting his son and getting to sort through the emotions that I amassed as to whether or not he would like me or how he would feel about me dating his dad.
I’ve never seriously dated a man with a child. I was always adamant about being the center of a man’s attention and children didn’t allow that to happen, so I avoided men with kids. Until…
Until I became single with a kid.
I realized that I didn’t want anymore children so I really wanted to date a man with kids so he wouldn’t ask me to have any. Pregnancy wasn’t that great and I’m over it. I’m too old to try and have another baby and I wanted to spend my life loving someone and the family that we built together through love and determination.
I also needed someone who could get the fact that I’m a working mother. That I have things that I have to do at work, at Munch’s school and with my friends and then understand that I wanted one-on-one time with my son. My son is my priority. I needed someone who could appreciate that. I dated some men that couldn’t appreciate or understand when I had to cancel a date because my son was sick at his dad’s house.
Others that said that they understood, but wanted me to have more children. Umm, nope. I’m done. I’ve closed up shop and decided that no more children would occupy this womb.
Those men were the worst. They really believed they could convince me to abandon my beliefs and bear them heirs. Yeah, like that was going to happen.
And then there was Mr. C.
He came into my life not wanting more children. Loving my ambition and encouraging me in a way that I never thought possible. His love was real. It was healthy. I was truly happy and at peace.
So, it was only inevitable that I would fall in love with a great man that didn’t want anymore children. He was willing to love me and my son as though we were flesh of his flesh and would help me raise Munch when we got married. He didn’t mind starting over. He would have a child in college and one in elementary school. I loved that about him though.
In this space that we are creating and building I’m trying to merge our lives more. Not just as a couple, but as parents. Letting the kids get to know each other and spend time with each other. We’re not rushing an instant bonding session, but we wanted our children to know how we feel about each other and share our respective lives.
But…I didn’t expect that to have an impact on Munch.
Why?
Because Munch has met his dad’s girlfriend. He likes her. He spends time with her. He speaks of her often. I had never introduced Munch to anyone that I was dating. Ever. So, him having experience with his dad’s girlfriend should let him know that I was serious about someone right?
Munch has met Mr. C a few times. The first being this summer for all of about 5 minutes in an informal setting and then he off he went to play with his friends. Then a couple of times at the house. I wanted to slowly introduce Munch to the man that I had fallen in love with. I wanted him to know that here was a man that I thought worthy to introduce him too.
Seeing as where I had taken things slowly with Mr. C, I thought that Munch would see the importance of this man in my life. That he would be able to understand that this great man is a good guy and wants to get to know him. That he would feel that man’s love ooze all out and be able to process that mommy wanted a future with Mr. C.
However, that didn’t happen. Munch is 8 after all. I was wishing on a star and I thought he would be cool. But, he wasn’t and I just wasn’t prepared for that. It started when I picked him up and I told him that we had a big day and that we were hanging out with Mr. C and his son that evening and he sighed. What? What is the sigh about I asked. He responded, “Can’t we just spend some time alone me and you?”
I was hot. Really? I explained to him that he spends time with his dad and his girlfriend all the time and it’s never a problem. I told him that I limit the amount of time I spend with Mr. C when it’s my week with him because I want that alone time with him. I said, “You can’t act like it’s cool for you and your dad to spend every waking moment with his girlfriend (I’m probably exaggerating, but I was emotional) and when I want to spend a couple of hours with you and Mr. C it is a problem.” I had to catch myself. I was having a mommy meltdown.
A Thomas Point of View 
As a woman who has been through this and who still currently struggles with this I have some thoughts. Initially, it is MUCH easier for kids to get comfortable and form a bond with a woman. It just is! So, it is only natural that it is easier for Munch to hang out with his Dad’s girlfriend. He probably feels more comfortable, taken care of and nurtured when the girlfriend is around. After all, that is what we as woman provide. With you, you have the fact that it is a man that you are trying to introduce into his life paired with the fact you are his ultimate comforter. I bet that right now, he can see very little value in Mr. C being in his life. That is just from a child’s point of view. It isn’t right or wrong, it is natural.
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Thank you so much Stephanie. That’s a great point and I didn’t think about it from his perspective. Wow! Dating is hard.
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Oooooo that’s a tough one especially when it’s your child’s emotions that’s involved. In my culture, it’s almost blasphemous for the woman to remarry again but it’s okay for the dad. There are some extreme cases where the children even disown their mothers!
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Really? Wow! So, the dad gets a pass, but not the mom. Ugh! Men!
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Personally. I’m closer to my stepmom than my stepdad and I remember that use to drive my mom nuts. She HATED it. I think as a woman I just gravitated to the motherly instincts of my stepmom and I was very protective over my dad. My mom would bash my dad a lot so I think I took that to heart. I also remember always asking to spend alone time without my step dad there. I kind of wanted to keep my mom to myself and not share her . I don’t remember it being for any specific reason beside knowing I enjoyed her full attention, I have 2 brothers too so that was always a thing between us all. We all fought for mom’s attention.
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Could it be the whole mothers are nurturer thing that Jess was saying. My mom said it is because Munch knows that he has all my attention and knows that I nurture him. I never really had step parents so it’s new territory to me.
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Oh that’s a very common response from kids with mom’s after divorce. I mean it was like in my head I thought my step dad was going to steal all my mom’s love away. I was 17 by the way. I should have known better, but with everything that was changing in all of our lives it was like my brain said I was 8 and I needed to fight for my mom’s love. Munch does know he has your full attention. Plus he is an only child and isn’t use to having to share his time/space with you with anyone else. My advice is patience. He will realize all will be right with the world and you will still love him the same. One thing my husband always reiterated to the kids when they were younger was his love for me was different than his love for them. He loves us all but it’s a different kind of love, a love that helps me be a better dad to them and his love for them made him a better husband to me.
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I love that. Thanks so much Jess!
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Your son is probably only used to you and him right now even if your ex has a girlfriend. My son doesn’t really like my boyfriend or anyone I’ve dated and introduced him to. My boyfriend has been nice to him but my son doesn’t want to accept him. I’m coming to the conclusion he probably won’t like anyone I date because he’s not his dad. Our sons will eventually grow up. We have a right to have a life with someone. My son comes first but at the same time I want to have a life with someone too. My son’s asked me why I’m not with his dad anymore. I just say he is married to someone else. It always seems like sons are really protective of their moms.
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Thanks Lisa. It’s hard, but he will need to get it over it. We are working on it. He sang a solo today in church and wanted me to tell Mr. C that he did good. I said, “You tell him baby.” He did and Mr. C was so happy and congratulated him. I think I see a bridge. LOL.
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Lol. At least they talk! My son barely wants to talk to my boyfriend. One day at a time…
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Yep, that’s all we can hope for. One day at a time.
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I dated a woman with kids. They were fine with their dad’s girlfriend but the daughter hated me. It turns out her father was filling her head with a bunch of crap about me keeping their family apart. She eventually realized what he was doing but it took a very long time.
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Wow! What a d*ck. Why would you put a child in the middle of adult business?
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Sis, I have found that boys see Mama totally different.
They can actually be kinda selfish when it comes to their Moms.
It’s almost as if they see Mama as a possession.
Mama belongs to him.
Dad is different, he can do whatever, but Mama is HIS !
That said, he will want any ‘other man’ to back off!
It’s a bit upsetting but it is not unusual 🙂
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