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Hurt and Pain: The Most Communicable Diseases

“Hurt” and “pain” are communicable diseases that can go undetected for years before
a person seeks help.

Some of us are carriers and don’t even know it. We hop into the dating pool, or, we get into a relationship thinking that we are ready, when we are not. Then, we choose the same “type” of person and get hurt every-single-time. Or, we exude a certain type of energy that attracts the wrong (or the same type) of person. As result, yielding the same outcome over-and-over again.

Denial is running rampant

There are 7 reasons why we’re single, and no matter how many times we blame the opposite sex, the common denominator is you.

To make matters worse, what do we do next? We project, blame, and/or live in denial.

“When you refuse to look in the mirror and face the truth, I call that denial.  You can deny the truth about why you’re single, consciously, or subconsciously.  Meaning, you lie to yourself, and others, but you know what you’re saying isn’t true (conscious).  Or, you lie to yourself and others, but you truly believe what you’re saying is true (subconsciously).”

So what’s next?

Meanwhile, you keep on dating and infecting other people with that hurt and pain.

Sometimes you infect people who are are building up their strength to get back out
there. Sometimes it’s people who have open wounds (which are the easiest to infect). Other times it’s the same sex. Women infecting women, or men infecting other men, with bitter and resentful feelings about the opposite sex.

Why spread the hurt and pain to others?

You’re hurting, and it feels good to know people around you feel the same as you do (misery loves company). You haven’t truly forgiven from the heart, you’ve only forgiven in your mind (you may not have done that either). Consequently, you’re still holding onto the pain and hurt others have inflicted on you.

As I stated in my post about forgiveness

Although it should be mandatory, forgiveness is a choice.

It can be very difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you. You may even want those who aggrieved you, to feel the pain you feel. Forgiveness isn’t about being, [fair.] It’ about being, [free], and it definitely isn’t about spite. When we don’t forgive, we indirectly punish those who don’t deserve it. In the meantime, we are still connected to the person who initially caused us pain.  Consequently, they still have power over us because, they anchor to the lowest depths of our emotions.

Media doesn’t exactly help your cause

I see it every day in the way we post, talk, and interact. Also in the songs we listen to, and the TV shows we watch. When you’re hurting, and in pain, you listen to songs that apply to your current situation. You also tend to click on articles, and social media posts that more associated with what you’re going through. Especially the posts that invite negativity about the opposite sex.

Negative posts, television shows, and/or music all contribute to your mental state. You may not know it, but you are being suggested negative energy subliminally. The more you watch or listen, the more it impact you.  Ever watch a movie for 2 hours and come out thinking negative? I have.

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Photo Credit: Lesly Juarez

My advice? It’s simple, stay away from negative media. as a whole.  In addition, surround yourself with positive people, go to positive places, and do positive things.  Lastly, always be mindful of what you’re saying. Spoken words and affirmations are very powerful.

It’s finally time to heal

You will never find what you’re looking for until you heal. You will always look at
men and women in a “slanted” way until you seek help. You will always seek that
love from another, but they can’t heal you, they can only help you. The majority of the work must be completed by you.

I’ve been there…

I’ve been that hurt man infecting others. I had to first take a long break, so I could mentally breathe. Understanding where I was in life, who I was as a man, and what I deserve were a critical aspect of my growth. I also had to realize how I was impacting myself in a negative way, and what I truly needed in order to sustain my evolution going forward.

Most importantly, I had to learn to love myself first and foremost.

I encourage you to do the same.

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Don’t Microwave It. Put Your Dating Experience In the Slow Cooker

Microwave Love Isn’t For Me

No wonder relationships don’t last, and dates are so short-lived. A lot of us want that microwave love. It’s all pre-packaged and ready to go within 30 seconds. In our fast-paced lives, we don’t want to slow down, mute the distractions, and cultivate our relationships. We don’t want to invest the time and effort needed to really learn and understand someone. As a result, once you open the package, the picture on the box is hardly the way it really looks inside. Yet we’re shocked. It was a 30 second meal! What did you expect? We want slow-cooked taste, in 30 seconds or less. We want a 5-star restaurant feel, in drive-thru efficiency. And, we will keep getting the same bad tasting, falsely advertised, negative results… until we learn that nothing worth having comes pre-processed.

Slow Cook Your Dating Experience

When it comes to dating, most of us want the result to end in companionship (or marriage).  So why in the world do we expect symmetry to occur without doing the, “work” involved?

You know what? Let’s not use the word, “work.” Let’s say, “process.” Because, while dating, you are going through a process.  A process that cannot be on microwave speeds.  This process is slow-cooked.

Remember, you are getting to know an entirely new being that comes with new experiences, personality traits, pet peeves, habits (good and bad), etc.  So, that process takes time.  The amount of time is relative, but no matter who it is, they will need, “time” to get to know, and understand.  A rapport needs to be built.  Channels of communication need to be established.  You simply cannot get to know someone on microwave speeds.  Slow-cooking is the only way.

Step 1: Let It Marinate

Like Martin Lawrence says…”let it marinate.” Let your dating experience, “soak.” Let all the seasoning absorb.  This way you will have time to process what you’re doing, and what you’ve learned. As a result, you will make better decisions about moving forward.

Also, this will give you the necessary time to appreciate the process of getting to know a new person. So many people say…”I can’t stand starting over.” Trust me, I totally get that. However, if you make dating fun, it can be a worthwhile experience.  Enjoy the conversations before the date. Get as much information as you can to learn about the other person (make sure you ask the necessary questions listed here )… then, “let it marinate.”

Step 2: Pre-Heat Your Oven

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Photo Credit: Taylor Kiser

Now is the time where you will prepare for the first date.  If you did your homework, asked questions, provided information, shared and opened up freely, you should have a good idea of who it is you are about to go on a date with.

If you spent enough time in marinate-mode, you should feel a bit more at ease about spending time with this person.  Anxiety will always be there, don’t worry, it’s normal.  However, the amount of time wasted on dating will be limited since you are on slow-cooker speed, vs microwave.

As daters, we tend to have a few conversations and jump straight into romantic situations (microwave speed), when, we need to cultivate first, to see if this person is even a good complement for us.  They could be a good person, but this doesn’t mean they are a solid match for us.

Step 3: Slow Cook The Process

When I say, “slow,” I don’t necessarily mean, “go-slow.” I mean, take your time.  So, the time that it takes is totally up to you.  Just don’t microwave through the process and expect the results to be same as slow-cooking.

When you slow-cook food, the seasoning is allowed to penetrate.  The meat becomes tender and more flavorful.  We all know, there’s nothing like a slow-cooked meal.

That being said, make sure you don’t let the, warm-and-fuzzy feelings get the best of you.  Stay focused on the goal, and always keep things in perspective.  Discuss your goals and aspirations, pet peeves, your family, and most of all, talk about how a relationship looks to you.  Give the other person a detailed account of what you need (and some of what you want).  You probably shouldn’t do all of this on the first date, and hopefully you’ve discussed a lot of these things before going out.  However, if you didn’t, make sure you ask some of the most important questions, and generate conversation around them.  Don’t get, too serious.  Do what feels right in the flow of the dialogue between you two.

Lastly, laugh, and laugh some more!

Don’t forget to follow my blog!

 

Don’t Trust It – New Rule

It’s 2018 ya’ll and there are just some things you shouldn’t trust. What specifically am I talking about? Women and men that don’t have friends. It’s time for the truth…You can’t trust men or women that don’t have friends.

Why would you date someone that has no one in their life that loves and holds them accountable for their behaviors?  Friendships are a must with anyone over the age of 10. There is no way you can meet a man or a woman and they don’t have friends and you be cool with it. That is creepy as hell.

Friends hold you accountable. They know all your secrets and love you in spite of your faults. They trust you and you trust them. It’s a bond not solidified by blood, but more important because they don’t have to be there for you.

I swear close friends are mind readers. Do you know how often I’ve called my closest friends just to talk when in actuality something was on my mind? They instantly knew it. They heard it in my voice. They reminded me that they knew me better than that and even though I may not want to talk about it now, they would be there for me. They would have my back. They would be there when I felt ready to let them in.

Man, I don’t know where I would be without my friends. When I’m wrong. They are there. When I’m right they are there. When I’m just barely holding on by a thread and my mind is trying to break, they reach in and grab hold and love me through my pain.

How can someone not have that in their lives? What have you done to make people not want to invest time and effort into you? I’m not saying you need to have a lot of friends, but you need to have one. One person that is not related to you that can speak of your character.

Think about this…many people who apply for government jobs and have to do clearance have to list character references. Let’s not forget about friends/family members who are going through custody cases. Who can speak to you? Who can reference your character and talk about who you are as a person?

You don’t have anyone? Then figure out what the issue is and get to making friends. It’s 2018, there is no excuse to not have friends. If you don’t, how can we trust you?

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Day 4: My Man

Yes, Lord, you know that I couldn’t do my #23DaysofThankfulness without acknowledging the wonderful man that God has given me. He’s an awesome man that makes me laugh. He encourages my spirit and encourages my dreams.

He’s been there through my court drama and the circus that is my life, my parenting concerns, my issues with my dad, my published works and submissions and even through my current book writing process. He’s still consistent and true two years later. He’s reliable and good. He’s just a great human being who was raised right. I am thankful each day to his parents for that.

I had dinner with a friend last month and he asked me how we were doing. I said “Great! I’m so blessed to have this awesome man in my life.” He asked “What makes him so awesome?” I responded “Because he loves me where I am. He allows me to be comfortable knowing that I don’t need to change, but just wake up every day.” Do you know how amazing that is?

I have gone through hell and back this year and this man has been there every step of the way just loving and listening without judgement. Do you know how thankful that I am for that love? I never would have imagined that God would send such a man to be by my side just holding me and whispering words of prayer and peace in my ear.

We celebrated two years of dating this year. It’s been good. He and I are just loving this space we’re in and thankful for all God’s grace and mercy. There is only love and respect and I truly am excited for the future with this amazing man.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Behold Your Beauty – #Love Yourself

I had dinner a couple of nights ago with a friend of mine. It was great to catch-up. We hadn’t hung out in a few months and I needed to let him know the things that I was going through. He asked me about my relationship with Mr. C and I was gushing all over my man. We were talking about how we’ll be getting married in the fall of 2020 and he started laughing. He asked “Does he want to marry you?” I looked at him seriously “Absolutely. Why wouldn’t he? I’m pretty damn amazing. Hell, one of the main reasons that I want to wait is that I’m not ready to jump back into the wife role. Don’t you find me amazing?” He replied “Of course.”

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Well it got me to thinking about how do you define yourself? Do you love yourself? I mean I don’t lack in self-esteem. Mama didn’t raise no fool. I may not be your cup of tea, but damn it I didn’t ask you to pick up my cup and take a sip. My tea is a strong like me and not all men can handle that. Some men actually prefer weak tea “aka weaker women”. Those men have moved out of the way to allow my love to walk with me.

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See, I am not perfect. No one is. But, I’m a great woman and someday I’ll enter into being a great wife. It’s the steps that I’m taking now that are allowing me to march forward in my relationship without hesitation. You’ve got to do the same.

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I love all my curves and the baby weight that I’m still carrying 9 years later. I love me. I love the way I blush when you ask me about Mr. C. A deep red, genuine blush because I can’t believe how blessed I am to have a man that God chose for me riding with me through this life. I’ve learned to love my nose. The weird nose that looks nothing like my family. I love it.

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Beyond the physical though, I just want to tell you that I love myself. Through all the mental and physical attributes, scars and fresh cut wounds the absolute best thing about me is my strength. I’m a fighter. You don’t know? Read my post last week. Know that many men have tried to break me and none can or will.

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My man loves my strength. No matter the adversity I keep fighting. I keep pushing forward. I keep surviving and thriving. That’s nothing but favor, love. God’s got and has kept me. So, Mr. C sees favor, strength and beauty all wrapped up into one when he sees me. He sees someone who made a vow to God, whose kept it and wants to honor Him as a couple. He sees a wonderful mother and friend. Why wouldn’t he want to marry me? I love me and I love him.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Real Men Lead

Let’s be real. We all want a man. A real man. A man to lead us. To lead our family. To be the true head of the household.

Can you imagine it? Do you have that already? Isn’t it awesome?

For those of you that don’t have that now or are looking for it, this post is for you. For those of you that are fortunate to have this kind of man, you are blessed. Keep living your happy lives knowing that two become one when you are united. I love it.

Now, one of the things that I’m realizing is that many women say that they want a man to lead, but don’t know how to submit. Let me clarify this…submission is only in marriage. Not dating or living together. Don’t shack up and submit. If you can shack up then you should get married so you can submit to your husband because let’s keep it real…it will be hard to submit once you transition from living together as boyfriend and girlfriend to married folks.

Been there and done that. That’s why Mr. C and I aren’t shacking up with our children until we jump that proverbial broom. The day that we say our vows, will be the day that we stand before God and our children and pledge our lives to each other. It is the day that I will know that my prayers have been answered and God has sent me the man to lead our family.

I will completely submit to my husband’s lead. I will follow and love and protect our family something fierce. I will pray for him and our children as I do myself and encourage his dreams. I will trust in God’s will as God has trusted him to lead.

Submission is easy when you know that the man that you are with is a good leader. Real men lead sis. Let’s cut to the chase. Leading is not instinctive in many cases, neither is submission, but I’ll discuss that later. Leadership requires sacrifice, a strong work ethic and a brilliant mind. Does your man have those qualities?

A man that will lead you needs to know these 5 things:

  1. He needs to know and follow God. This is absolutely the most important thing. How can a man lead when he’s not being led by God? He can’t. He is just winging it. You will go through things in your marriage that will try to break and destroy you. Who will your man lean on? Will he pray for you? Will he pray for guidance from God? Will he pray for your marriage? A man can’t lead you if he’s floundering out in the wilderness with no compass. God is the compass sis!
  2. He needs to know his issues and is seeking to work on them through therapy or has resolved them. A broken man can’t lead. No way. No how. If he has trust issues, money problems or a problem being faithful, he is broken. He can’t lead and you can’t follow. Don’t try to fix him sis. Keep it moving.
  3. He needs to be an investor in your marriage. That means that he has to put your marriage first all the time. ALL THE TIME. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Your marriage must come first. Your marriage is an investment that he will spend time watching and working on to make sure that the investment yields a tangible profit…happiness.
  4. He needs to have a fighting spirit. Marriage is not easy. Everyone goes through things. It’s a part of the cycle. Sometimes it will get too heavy. There may be illness, infidelity or just a lazy spirit in your marriage. He needs to be fighting for your marriage even when you don’t. Divorce should not be an option.
  5. He needs to be able to delegate. A man can’t do everything. No one can do everything. But, if he can delegate his needs to you it will bring you closer. People that try to do everything by themselves either burn themselves out or fail miserably. Trust me. I speak from experience. Being able to communicate his needs and want and delegate some responsibilities to you will allow you both to develop closer as a unit and marriage. Unity is the key.

Now, that you know what it takes for a real man to lead. Are you married to a man that is leading you? Have you ever dated a man that knows how to lead?

Tomorrow’s post will discuss a woman’s role in submission to a man.

-To Be Continued-

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Reblog: Why I Won’t Love You

I won’t love you because your definition of love is vastly different from mine.

You see love as control and order. Everything must be in perfect alignment. No coloring outside of the lines.

You see love as a game where you chase, I submit and I live as you wish striving to make you happy.

You see love as a dance where you always lead and I have to follow whether or not I want to go.

You see love as an opportunity to brag and boast about the goodness of me without having to do anything.

You see love as something that you are required to have and not something you desire.

I see love as a smorgasbord of opportunities to improve the life of you.

I see love as my chance to color the rainbow on your heart just like a three year old. Why? Because sometimes love is messy.

I see love where you will chase, I will submit and WE will live each day trying to make each other happy.

I see love as a dance between two people wanting to put their best foot forward. Although I’m awkward in my love dance, I want someone who will create a new move with me.

I see love as a chance to wake up each day thanking God for you. Just you.

I see love as an opportunity to improve both of our lives by loving you without limits.

Do you see now why I won’t love you?

Our definitions of love differ.

You think of you and I think of US.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.