The Issue of the Ring

Last week while I was taking my amazing break (thank you to my guest bloggers) there was a video with a picture going around about a sale that Kay Jeweler’s was having for a ring that cost $24.99. The video that was accompanying the photo said that apparently everybody on this gentleman’s timeline had gotten engaged with this particular ring that cost $24.99. I’ve attached a picture of the ring for you to see.

The Issue

Whether or not a woman should accept a $25.00 engagement ring. If the woman did accept it, she should just be happy that someone wanted to marry her. If she wouldn’t accept it, she was called everything under the sun including: a gold digger, hoe, shallow, miserable, bitter, will never have a man and can’t get a man…all because she refused to accept a $25 engagement ring.

My Take

Mr. C and I had a lengthy discussion about this the other night and it got kinda heated. Primarily because I simply told him that I wouldn’t accept a $25.00 engagement ring. I explained to him that an engagement ring symbolized a man’s commitment and promise to marry you. A man marries for particular reasons: not wanting to die alone, procreation, increased wealth, financial benefits (think tax breaks), love and happiness.

That being said, does a man believe that is worth $25.00. If that is the best that he can do, then why is he marrying you? I’m in my 40’s and I’m a firm believer that we don’t get in relationships to struggle and try to build up people in our 40’s. A man should be built up by the time he’s 40. Can he have setbacks? Absolutely, anyone can, but I’m not dating someone in a broke stage. Get yourself to a better stage where you can afford to date me.

That being said, in the past engagement rings were given as a symbol of a future promise to the world that the woman was betrothed to another man. He put a ring on it. He removed her from the proverbial market. She was his. He was hers.

Fast forward to today’s standard and the ring debate is out of control. Engagement rings are optional for some and required for others. However, if you should choose to marry a woman and propose with an engagement ring, wouldn’t it ring true that you would know the woman that you are marrying? That you know her taste. You know what she would love.

When I first started dating Mr. C a couple of years ago, I sent him a picture of the ring that I had designed for my next engagement. Was it forward? Probably. But, I did it with a purpose. The purpose was to show him my expected standard of the promise of marriage.

Here’s what the ring looked like:

Ring 1

Ring 2

The price tag was $14,358.51. Mr. C was floored. I laughed and said that we could go to the Diamond District in NYC and get it made for about $8,500. He didn’t say anything. Fast forward to earlier this year and he asked me “Do you think it’s fair that I spend $8,500 on an engagement ring and I have college tuition to pay for my son?” I responded “You could finance it.” LOL.

But, I was serious. Later this year we had a genuine conversation and he stated that he wasn’t going to spend $8,500 on the ring. He gave me a number and we haggled over the price and I think we settled into a good number. I honestly can’t remember. It really doesn’t matter because we have time.

It’s not the cost of the ring in our case. It’s the expectation that you will marry me and I told him that I was fine with a diamond band and no engagement ring. Been there done that. But, a ring whether an engagement ring or band is the promise of his commitment to provide for me and our family. If he can’t afford to provide, then why should we marry?

Now, before you think that I’m a gold digger understand that love doesn’t pay the bills. Tell me what bill you can pay with love. Being broke isn’t cute. I’m not about struggle love or poverty penis. Love is an emotion and not a tangible piece of currency.  I like this quote by Bougie Black Girl on her FaceBook page:

Love doesn’t pay for diapers
Love doesn’t pay for gas
Love doesn’t pay the rent or mortgage
Love doesn’t buy food
Love doesn’t put clothes on a child’s back.
Love doesn’t keep your lights on.
Love doesn’t pay for childcare.
Love doesn’t pay for doctor visits
Love doesn’t fix a flat tire or repair an engine.
Money does.
Love brings people together. Money makes sure a marital union is financially secure. Money creates a legacy and passes down multi-generational wealth. Stop demanding Black women to settle when Black men and everyone else won’t.

We need to stop believing that we can’t have expectations for better. My ex-husband and I were young and in our 20’s when we got married. He still got me an engagement ring that cost $2,500 and he was only making $35,000 at the time. That was .07% of his annual salary before take home. We were poor. We were young. However, he was determined to get me the ring that he knew that I loved.

So, if he could do that in our 20’s why would it be acceptable for someone to think a woman should be happy with a $25 engagement ring. I spend more than $25.00 to fill up my gas tank. Many of us are walking around with shoes that cost more than $25.00. If you can spend more than $25.00 to get into a club, pay for drinks, on tennis shoes, on tint for your car or for your clothes, why shouldn’t I require more for a commitment on my finger?

Talk to me. What’s your take? Would you marry someone who proposed with you with a $25.00 ring? Why or why not?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

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teen dating-miss-damn right

Do I Miss Teen Dating? Damn Right I do!

I once read a post about teen dating that made me reminisce about [my] past teen dating days… (which weren’t that long ago) by the way.  I instantly started to compare how innocent dating was back then, to how ridiculously superficial and confusing it is now.

  1. Social Media pressure
  2. Reality TV pressure
  3. Entertainment (rappers and vocalist) pressure
  4. Subliminally sexual images and messages everywhere
  5. The pressure our young teenage girls have to look a certain way

And the list goes on.

So What Do I Miss Most About Teen Dating?

What do I miss most about my teen dating days? Did we even date? Or did we just venture out into a concrete habitat and pursue convivial activities completely bereft of thoughts of our affinity for one another?
However, once the seed was planted (like the serpent telling Adam and Eve they were exposed) we started to feel the pressures of teen dating (“oooohhh ya’ll go together!!!”). It took away from the sweet and blissful innocence you felt when you would stroll around town together, venturing to the corner store. Me combining pennies and nickels to purchase a pack of Lemonheads I would gladly share with her.
Innocent laughter about random yet imaginative thoughts of days past and fictitious accounts of days to come. It was all there. I miss that. After hours of conversation, with some hesitation, finally conceding to the overwhelming narcolepsy weighing my eyelids south and shading my brown iris like a lunar eclipse. We agree to end this night, but neither of us wants that to be, so we, decide to play a game of, “count to three.”
“No you hang up,”
“No, you hang up,”
“On 3 hang up.”
I miss shared yet recalcitrant thoughts on paper of potentialities and possibilities of a future with her. Sweet looks from afar that garner a smile with a quick turn of her head, hiding as is if she was in a haze. Nervous tension and apprehension, hoping you didn’t notice her gaze. Indeed, I miss those ways… I reminisce over those days.
College-ruled sheets of virginal text, and solicitations of  where we’d meet.
Do you like me?
Check, yes or no
Intertwined hands, smiles you could see from a distant land…
You damn right I’m your man. I want the whole school to understand…(and see) you’re with me.
This wasn’t fantasy, it was my reality… today it’s fallacy.  Destroying the possibilities, of what-could-be, so organically, flowing end-lessly.
So I re-peat… “Do I Miss Teen Dating? Damn Right I do!”
Cause’
That’s when it felt free.
*********************************************
Jay Thomas is an incredible blogger that commented on one of my posts last year and we’ve been following each other every since. He’s an incredible writer and lover of love. Isn’t that amazing? I love love too so it was awesome to realize that we have a lot in common. He will be a featured contributor to my blog in 2018 and I wanted to give you an idea of this man’s perspective on love. He’s real. He’s true. He’s open. To read more about Jay and to follow his blog please click here: Relationships Etcetera
letter-ex-girlfriend-pain

A Letter To My Ex Girlfriend

He’s bitter

No… I’m a man who’s just irate…  and a letter won’t cure the nausea I’m feeling—because of all the bullshit I-ate.

You fed me lie after lie, line after line, and I was mouth wide open thinking you were mine.

That’s fine… this letter is for my time.

You need some damn help. I tried, I fought, I cried, I wasted good years… it’s time to put you back on the shelf.
Even though I am a fighter, I get sick of bobbin’ and weavin’… besides, we got this baby on the way, and I ain’t leavin’ (even though you said I would)

Or maybe I should leave? I’ll be judged though… as a man, they always do. To be honest? I’m tired of hearing about what women go through. Men go through things too! We deal with bull from women all the time. I guess they think we’re immune because we don’t cry… [in the open], write breakup songs, and whine.

We carry this shit.

Thousands of men walking around out there feeling like crap. Feeling like no one understands them. So we carry it all like a stomach ulcer (don’t date us though… cause it’s a trap).

But we can handle it all because we are a man right?

No.

Like a rusty sword stuck in its sheath, No matter how hard we try to pull out, we’re a mess underneath.

Dripping sweat, selfish sex, and lack of reciprocation. So what’s next? You roll over and act like me pleasing you is all I get. SHET!

Lost because this man, staring in the mirror is-not-me. Who is he? He’s changed, with the heart of a man defeated by a woman who stole his destiny… selfishly.

“You’re the selfish one, not me.”

You say that, and you’re definitive. Your innate narcissism is apparent each time you speak. Each utterance of that trash makes me feel pain in my [peen]. I can’t even get it up when I think of the fact that I have to deal with you til’ he’s 18.

I hate you! No, I love you, No… I hate you.  No… I can’t stand the woman you became. The woman who blames everyone for everything but refuses to acknowledge the pain [you] brought to the game.

You don’t trust me? Chick you’re just insecure. And I damn sure don’t trust you! All we have is time. But the baby is coming, and your lack of communication makes me believe the baby isn’t mine.

Call after call, you don’t answer. You don’t return the messages you receive. How can you blame me for feeling the way I do? About a broken relationship that never became whole, and was fake as hair weave.

You better believe… I wanted to break up. The day you called and told me you were pregnant, I planned to leave you in the dust… no fuss, no more lust.  Just realness from a man that had enough.

letter-ex-girlfriend-pain
Photo Credit: Sam Burris

No support, no encouragement, just selfish ambitions of a ring.  So blind to the fact that I needed YOU more than anything.

I dropped friends, never hung out, stayed at home, shared in the [responsibility] despite what I was going through… what the hell did you want from me?

You never listened, always did things your own way. Then, when everything blew up in your face, you want to cry and say… some slick shit that only pushed me away.

Fakin’ like you’re a good woman. Based on what—cause you cooked? That’s not a good look—[understand] when you’re in relationship with a man like me, it’s your ability to feed my soul that keeps me hooked.

When I found out about the inappropriate text conversations, planned late night visits, and lunch dates with the friend from your past… I almost lost it. Listen, it was only 3 months after our son was born, I came at you calm, asked you to confess, but your complete narcissism wouldn’t let that last.
Always redirecting and transferring energy back on me, I wanna cop a plea, Just let me be…Lord, let me flee! Please release this self-imposed pain from me.

I tried to lead you, but you’re un-lead-able. You have to be in control… un-believable.

I’ve been gone…

No, I don’t feel wrong…

This is my swan song…

Would’ve done this from the start…

I forgive you regardless…

And it’s coming from the heart.

***********************************************

Jay Thomas is an incredible blogger that commented on one of my posts last year and we’ve been following each other every since. He’s an incredible writer and lover of love. Isn’t that amazing? I love love too so it was awesome to realize that we have a lot in common. He will be a featured contributor to my blog in 2018 and I wanted to give you an idea of this man’s perspective on love. He’s real. He’s true. He’s open. To read more about Jay and to follow his blog please click here: Relationships Etcetera

Monday Notes: Men

Great post on dating and relationships and what we women do when it comes to men. Please check out this awesome post by KE and her website: KE Garland I promise you’ll love her blog.

K E Garland

img_2774I have a lot of thoughts. Conversations occur. People ask for advice. People share things about their lives. I overthink the conversation, advice, or experience, and voila! A thought occurs. So, I jot it down in my notes section in hopes of writing about it on a future date. I have 221 notes on my phone. I figured the future is now lol. Here’s my first one:

I’ve listened to how my male friends talk about women and how they interact with them. I also listen to and observe how women interact with men. Sometimes it’s different.

Men don’t treat every woman like she’s their future wife. They don’t treat every relationship like there’s an impending wedding. Men seem to know which women are so-called “wife material” and which ones are not ready to commit. Consequently, they seem to treat each “type” of woman accordingly. Now, I’m not saying this…

View original post 189 more words

Real Men Lead

Let’s be real. We all want a man. A real man. A man to lead us. To lead our family. To be the true head of the household.

Can you imagine it? Do you have that already? Isn’t it awesome?

For those of you that don’t have that now or are looking for it, this post is for you. For those of you that are fortunate to have this kind of man, you are blessed. Keep living your happy lives knowing that two become one when you are united. I love it.

Now, one of the things that I’m realizing is that many women say that they want a man to lead, but don’t know how to submit. Let me clarify this…submission is only in marriage. Not dating or living together. Don’t shack up and submit. If you can shack up then you should get married so you can submit to your husband because let’s keep it real…it will be hard to submit once you transition from living together as boyfriend and girlfriend to married folks.

Been there and done that. That’s why Mr. C and I aren’t shacking up with our children until we jump that proverbial broom. The day that we say our vows, will be the day that we stand before God and our children and pledge our lives to each other. It is the day that I will know that my prayers have been answered and God has sent me the man to lead our family.

I will completely submit to my husband’s lead. I will follow and love and protect our family something fierce. I will pray for him and our children as I do myself and encourage his dreams. I will trust in God’s will as God has trusted him to lead.

Submission is easy when you know that the man that you are with is a good leader. Real men lead sis. Let’s cut to the chase. Leading is not instinctive in many cases, neither is submission, but I’ll discuss that later. Leadership requires sacrifice, a strong work ethic and a brilliant mind. Does your man have those qualities?

A man that will lead you needs to know these 5 things:

  1. He needs to know and follow God. This is absolutely the most important thing. How can a man lead when he’s not being led by God? He can’t. He is just winging it. You will go through things in your marriage that will try to break and destroy you. Who will your man lean on? Will he pray for you? Will he pray for guidance from God? Will he pray for your marriage? A man can’t lead you if he’s floundering out in the wilderness with no compass. God is the compass sis!
  2. He needs to know his issues and is seeking to work on them through therapy or has resolved them. A broken man can’t lead. No way. No how. If he has trust issues, money problems or a problem being faithful, he is broken. He can’t lead and you can’t follow. Don’t try to fix him sis. Keep it moving.
  3. He needs to be an investor in your marriage. That means that he has to put your marriage first all the time. ALL THE TIME. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Your marriage must come first. Your marriage is an investment that he will spend time watching and working on to make sure that the investment yields a tangible profit…happiness.
  4. He needs to have a fighting spirit. Marriage is not easy. Everyone goes through things. It’s a part of the cycle. Sometimes it will get too heavy. There may be illness, infidelity or just a lazy spirit in your marriage. He needs to be fighting for your marriage even when you don’t. Divorce should not be an option.
  5. He needs to be able to delegate. A man can’t do everything. No one can do everything. But, if he can delegate his needs to you it will bring you closer. People that try to do everything by themselves either burn themselves out or fail miserably. Trust me. I speak from experience. Being able to communicate his needs and want and delegate some responsibilities to you will allow you both to develop closer as a unit and marriage. Unity is the key.

Now, that you know what it takes for a real man to lead. Are you married to a man that is leading you? Have you ever dated a man that knows how to lead?

Tomorrow’s post will discuss a woman’s role in submission to a man.

-To Be Continued-

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Reblog: Why I Won’t Love You

I won’t love you because your definition of love is vastly different from mine.

You see love as control and order. Everything must be in perfect alignment. No coloring outside of the lines.

You see love as a game where you chase, I submit and I live as you wish striving to make you happy.

You see love as a dance where you always lead and I have to follow whether or not I want to go.

You see love as an opportunity to brag and boast about the goodness of me without having to do anything.

You see love as something that you are required to have and not something you desire.

I see love as a smorgasbord of opportunities to improve the life of you.

I see love as my chance to color the rainbow on your heart just like a three year old. Why? Because sometimes love is messy.

I see love where you will chase, I will submit and WE will live each day trying to make each other happy.

I see love as a dance between two people wanting to put their best foot forward. Although I’m awkward in my love dance, I want someone who will create a new move with me.

I see love as a chance to wake up each day thanking God for you. Just you.

I see love as an opportunity to improve both of our lives by loving you without limits.

Do you see now why I won’t love you?

Our definitions of love differ.

You think of you and I think of US.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

This Moment In Time

Today is a very special day. It’s the day that we honor and celebrate a great man. My man. My love. My heart.

One of the things that I’m open about is that on this journey in finding love I stumbled. I took the roads that were meant for others and I settled by the side of the road with some people that I shouldn’t have. It was all part of my journey.

But, I got up. I kept moving forward. I kept believing that God had heard my plea for him to send me a man that would love my son and I as though we were flesh of his flesh. A man that would support and encourage my dreams and believe in me. A man that could support me in raising my son.

He did hear my plea.

It was 23 months ago that he sent me a wonderful man that grew on me. He stayed around and endured my inquisition. He stayed around and respected my values. He stayed around and loved me where I stood. He didn’t try to change me. He didn’t try to make me into something that I’m not. He just loved me.

Do you know how amazing that is?

He’s not perfect and neither am I.  But, we’re grown. We continually work at our relationship and on our communication. When I pour out my heart and let him know how I’m feeling, he listens. He takes it in and he works on things. He works with me.

So, I know that I’m gushing, but this man is amazing and I want to thank God for him. It was 44 years ago today that God created him to go through life’s challenges and storms because He was preparing him. God was preparing him for me. I’m thankful for that preparation and I’m thankful that God loved me enough to send him in my life.

Happy Birthday to my Mr. C! I can’t wait to celebrate and honor him for being the wonderful friend and man that he is. If I died tomorrow, I would be okay knowing that I found love. This moment in time is more than I could have ever imagined.

In this space, I am loved. Infinitely more each day than yesterday. I will honor and speak vision into the life of this great man that God has gifted me with. I pray that this year will be better for him than the last and that everything that he works for will come to fruition. I pray that God gives him guidance and strength to continue to be the awesome son, father and boyfriend that he is.

I pray that he will always know that he is loved.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.