Motivational Monday Moment – 3/6/2017

I want to talk about grace today. Grace as a noun means favor or good will. I never really thought much about that word until recently. So, my Motivational Monday Moment is about grace and how it is not the same as forgiveness.

Let me tell you how I discovered that they are not the same…

I went home last month to Tennessee to see my father. It was uneventful, which was good. He’s recovering. He’s not doing what he’s supposed to do. His family is helping him out.

I flew in late Saturday night and drove almost two hours to my grandma’s house. I got lost. The outlets in the rental car didn’t work. I had 10% of cell phone battery left. It was trying. I got in and went to sleep.

Sunday morning I went to church with a friend of mine to hear him preach and later that evening I went to check on my dad. We sat and talked for a couple of hours. It was good. He asked me to take him to McDonald’s and get him something to eat.

So, off we went and he started to talk about how his family mixes things up. How they get information confused. His mom (who is deceased) and/or his siblings. It was random, but he mentioned how the first time he brought his girlfriend Arlene to town from Chicago, people had assumed she was white.

I listened to him talk. I said “I remember Arlene.” He replied “You never met Arlene.” I said, “Yep, I did. It was one year that we happened to be in town and my grandma made us come over to visit your mother. Your family. Funny thing is that she didn’t even tell us you were in town. We found out by visiting. I wanted to walk down the street to the local park with some of my friends. I asked you could I go. You told me to ask Arlene. Why? She wasn’t my mother. She was the first woman that I met and you thought that your girlfriend should give me permission? She wasn’t entitled. You were the parent. I felt disrespected. You didn’t provide support for us. Neither did Arlene. Non-financial people shouldn’t have opinions. Especially not girlfriends.”

He just listened. He changed the subject. He doesn’t remember that I met his first girlfriend outside of my mother. Only that he brought her to Tennessee. I, on the other hand remember everything. I have a long memory.

My memory won’t let me forget the pain inflicted by my father. I’ve tried. Other things happened which I will tell you about later. I didn’t understand. I hadn’t felt bad in a LONG time. What was happening to me? I shouldn’t be feeling the pain of longing for a father who wasn’t there.

I came home the following Tuesday and met with my therapist that week. I told her what happened. She asked me “Why do you go and visit him?” I told her that God told me to forgive him. She inquired whether or not God told me to build a bridge with him? I told her that he only told me to forgive him. She told me “You haven’t forgiven him.” I told her “Yes”. She said “No, you’ve given him grace. You’ve not forgiven him. You have too much residual pain left.” She went on to explain that the pain is both normal and understandable considering the years of abandonment, but she needed me to think about what forgiveness looks like.

I sighed.

For the last four years of my life, I thought I gave forgiveness. I gave grace. They are not the same. The weird thing is that I never knew anyone who gave grace. I thought God was the only one to give grace.

I was wrong. We can give grace. I allowed him to occupy a space in my world after almost 30 years of no relationship by thinking I was doing as God instructed…forgiving. But, now I see I was only giving grace.

I was being graceful by allowing him to be a part of my life. I was thinking that I was forgiving him by letting him spend time with me and dealing with the parts of my life that were painful. The parts that were caused by him and others. But, I wasn’t forgiving him. I haven’t forgiven him.

I’m struggling with this uncovered feeling. I’m trying to process what I need to forgive him. It’s hard. It’s a process and ultimately, I need to both obey God and forgive my father. God forgives. God gives grace.

I am not God.

So, my Motivational Monday Moment is spent somewhere in reflection, thought and understanding of grace and forgiveness. I ask the question, “Have you forgiven or have you given grace?” Let’s focus on both this week.

motivational-monday-moment

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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17 thoughts on “Motivational Monday Moment – 3/6/2017

  1. Definitely something to think about. Funny because in my life I’ve thought I’ve forgiven but not given the grace. Maybe I still have it all twisted. Something I need to think about.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was eyeopening for me. I thought if I forgave you then I allowed you in my life because my time was valuable. But, my therapist explains if you still have pain from what the person did then you’ve given them grace and not forgiveness.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My father, while not an evil or even bad man, hurt my mother, our family, and myself but I have given grace and that takes a lot out of me and probably many others too.

    Forgiveness, actual forgiveness, may always be beyond my ability…or at least the amount of effort I am willing to expend. I will be proud of the grace I extend even if it is not returned. I will be proud of the effort that I do and have extended and extend without response at times.

    I continue to try to understand and offer grace to others. I will strive for forgiveness also but never feel I am failing if I can not progress further. ~~dru~~

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Funny how I needed to read this. Whenever I think I have forgiven my family about not helping me when I was in that abusive relationship I still find myself pissed about it every now and then. I can’t seem to fully let it go so I think that perhaps I haven’t actually forgiven and just allow them grace? I want to learn how to forgive. I admitting have trouble with the concept. My ex used to tell me I could kill you and God would forgive me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wonderful post. It’s funny there are moments when I think I have forgiven someone to only wind up still feeling pain or resentment. I’ve never put a word to what I was doing but I knew it wasn’t quite forgiveness because I still felt the same emotions – they were just presented in a slightly smaller package. So I kept and still keep praying that I am able to forgive others and myself for past situations and now I know the exact word on what I have been doing – giving them/myself grace. Thanks for this clarity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Girl, I didn’t know. I thought it was forgiveness. It’s a blessing to know that I’m not alone in this. I just have to keep praying to forgive. Forgiveness for me means that we don’t have contact. I release you from my heart and spirit.

      Liked by 1 person

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