Motivational Monday Moment – 3/20/2017

It’s the first day of spring. I’m late getting my post out. I needed to be motivated this morning so I’ve struggled with what to write. Please forgive me for the delay. I started thinking about what I could tell you to motivate you this morning. I had nothing.

I didn’t feel motivated. I felt tired and exhausted of having to fight the same battle over and over again. I felt as though my back was up against the wall. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I just knew that I wanted peace.

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There are some difficult situations that I have to face in the coming weeks. I will share more as I know more, but I was really feeling overwhelmed. I told Mr. C that I needed him to encourage me this morning. To make me feel better.

He said “You have a job. You have money. You woke up this morning. Your son is healthy. You have a boss that is understanding.” Okay, I get it. Not enough. But, poignant and true. I wasn’t giving thanks. I was feeling the pain of my issue and not giving the praise.

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I talked to another friend about my situation and he told me that God told him that “It’s a blessing to be tested and tried by Him. “ He told me to not dismay and know that God is blessing me regardless of whatever I’m going through. He told me to be encouraged and know that we serve a mighty God.

I know.

I’m human.

I just want peace.

Every time I feel like I get a little peace and quiet, things come along to disturb the natural order of the way I believe my life should work. The peace that I thought I had is always short lived. Things disturb this natural order and I feel overwhelmed. I’m struggling ya’ll.

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I know that what Mr. C said and what my friend said made sense. I’m a Christian and sometimes I feel like I’m failing. I’m failing at trying to keep chaos from interfering in my life. I didn’t ask for this. I just want to ride out the peace for years to come.

I know that I’m not living in reality right now. What’s wrong with wanting peace? Nothing. 51ef3e3fc97a88c221e264f8e788cbf0

But, God.

God spoke to me through music to ease my weary soul. He often speaks to me through music when I’m going through something and I ask for His help. When I pray for peace and I can’t seem to hear it through the noise of me wanting to take control of my own life and do what I want. He did it today.

I was listening to Marsha Ambrosious on Pandora and he played Mary Mary’s gospel song “Yesterday”. I had to close my office door because tears began to roll down my face as they sang “Any problems that I had he’s greater, he’s greater than them all. I decided that I cried my last tears yesterday.” – Mary Mary. God was speaking to me. I was doing too much.

I hear you God. I can’t keep crying about the situation. I gave it to you. I need to trust you to do your will. I need to lean on you and know that you are greater than any problems that I have. So, my Motivational Monday Moment is to trust. Trust God. Trust Him with everything.

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We can’t keep crying over the same situation and the same problems. We need to give our all to God. He is the way maker and we know that all things work according to His will. I trust you God. No more tears. Thy will be done.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Motivational Monday Moment – 3/6/2017

I want to talk about grace today. Grace as a noun means favor or good will. I never really thought much about that word until recently. So, my Motivational Monday Moment is about grace and how it is not the same as forgiveness.

Let me tell you how I discovered that they are not the same…

I went home last month to Tennessee to see my father. It was uneventful, which was good. He’s recovering. He’s not doing what he’s supposed to do. His family is helping him out.

I flew in late Saturday night and drove almost two hours to my grandma’s house. I got lost. The outlets in the rental car didn’t work. I had 10% of cell phone battery left. It was trying. I got in and went to sleep.

Sunday morning I went to church with a friend of mine to hear him preach and later that evening I went to check on my dad. We sat and talked for a couple of hours. It was good. He asked me to take him to McDonald’s and get him something to eat.

So, off we went and he started to talk about how his family mixes things up. How they get information confused. His mom (who is deceased) and/or his siblings. It was random, but he mentioned how the first time he brought his girlfriend Arlene to town from Chicago, people had assumed she was white.

I listened to him talk. I said “I remember Arlene.” He replied “You never met Arlene.” I said, “Yep, I did. It was one year that we happened to be in town and my grandma made us come over to visit your mother. Your family. Funny thing is that she didn’t even tell us you were in town. We found out by visiting. I wanted to walk down the street to the local park with some of my friends. I asked you could I go. You told me to ask Arlene. Why? She wasn’t my mother. She was the first woman that I met and you thought that your girlfriend should give me permission? She wasn’t entitled. You were the parent. I felt disrespected. You didn’t provide support for us. Neither did Arlene. Non-financial people shouldn’t have opinions. Especially not girlfriends.”

He just listened. He changed the subject. He doesn’t remember that I met his first girlfriend outside of my mother. Only that he brought her to Tennessee. I, on the other hand remember everything. I have a long memory.

My memory won’t let me forget the pain inflicted by my father. I’ve tried. Other things happened which I will tell you about later. I didn’t understand. I hadn’t felt bad in a LONG time. What was happening to me? I shouldn’t be feeling the pain of longing for a father who wasn’t there.

I came home the following Tuesday and met with my therapist that week. I told her what happened. She asked me “Why do you go and visit him?” I told her that God told me to forgive him. She inquired whether or not God told me to build a bridge with him? I told her that he only told me to forgive him. She told me “You haven’t forgiven him.” I told her “Yes”. She said “No, you’ve given him grace. You’ve not forgiven him. You have too much residual pain left.” She went on to explain that the pain is both normal and understandable considering the years of abandonment, but she needed me to think about what forgiveness looks like.

I sighed.

For the last four years of my life, I thought I gave forgiveness. I gave grace. They are not the same. The weird thing is that I never knew anyone who gave grace. I thought God was the only one to give grace.

I was wrong. We can give grace. I allowed him to occupy a space in my world after almost 30 years of no relationship by thinking I was doing as God instructed…forgiving. But, now I see I was only giving grace.

I was being graceful by allowing him to be a part of my life. I was thinking that I was forgiving him by letting him spend time with me and dealing with the parts of my life that were painful. The parts that were caused by him and others. But, I wasn’t forgiving him. I haven’t forgiven him.

I’m struggling with this uncovered feeling. I’m trying to process what I need to forgive him. It’s hard. It’s a process and ultimately, I need to both obey God and forgive my father. God forgives. God gives grace.

I am not God.

So, my Motivational Monday Moment is spent somewhere in reflection, thought and understanding of grace and forgiveness. I ask the question, “Have you forgiven or have you given grace?” Let’s focus on both this week.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Remembering I’m Enough

I am enough. That was one of the hardest things that I had to tell myself. As someone who is extremely self-confident, I seemed to lose it when I got married. He became bigger than me. Not because he wanted too or even asked me to. It was me. My choice. I thought that’s what you do when you get married. You sacrifice yourself for the greater good of the marriage.

But, I was wrong. Marriage is much more than that. How can one be expected to have a healthy and functioning relationship when you’re jacked up mentally? If you lose a piece of yourself in the process of attaching yourself to someone else, how can you be expected to know that you’re enough?  Truth is…you can’t.

I couldn’t. I didn’t. Because I was broken. Broken people can’t seem to realize that their enough. Life and storms knock you out and you feel as though you are drowning. You can’t swim. Why did this have to happen to you? Why not? This was the question that I truly had to answer. Was I above trials and tribulations? I knew from church and prayer that the road wouldn’t be easy, but dang. I couldn’t drive over those spikes without getting a flat.

Until I realized that at least I have the ability and tools in my car to fix and repair that flat. I didn’t have to drive on that flat tire, damaging the rim. I could pull over and keep repairing the tire or use the spare. You see it right? The Aha Moment…I could do it. My attitude towards my situation and life’s circumstances had to change just like that tire or my soul would be damaged.

I realized that I deserve to be forgiven and I deserve to forgive because I’m enough. Knowing and believing that you are enough in the midst of difficult situations can impact your self-esteem in a major way. You doubt the little things. You act out because you feel like you’re not enough.  But, balance is what I’ve learned. Faith renewed. Spiritual growth. They happen when you stop acting out and expecting everyone to fix or understand the messed up you.

Once you start to grow and walk with the confidence you truly have, it shows. People can see the light in your eyes when you genuinely laugh. They notice your change in hair color or clothes. They notice that effervescent smile plastered all over your face. They want to know what it is it about you. You were broken and messed up last time they saw you. What changed? You know what you tell them?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Motivational Monday Moment – 2/20/17

My Motivational Monday Moment is about protecting your heart. This came to me as I was talking to my therapist last week about cutting people out of my life. I explained to her how I decided that I’m done with a couple of people and that I’ve blocked them from my phone and released them from my heart.

She asked me why I don’t tell them why I’m ending the relationship. I told her that I didn’t need too. I told her that people know what they do when they blow up at you or disrespect you via email or text. They are not stupid. If I go and tell them what they did and they start that disrespect again then I’m working myself up over their own issues and I’m stressed. Not going to happen.

I told her that when I let you go I release you from my heart so there is no need for me to have closure. I move on and move forward. I harbor no ill will or feelings. She said “Okay, as long as it doesn’t affect you.”

I was telling Mr. C what we talked about and I asked him his thoughts. He said he understood what I was saying. I asked him “If I stopped speaking to you tomorrow, would you know why?” He said “Yes”.

Boom.

There it is.

People know when they display toxic behaviors in relationships and why they are no longer welcome in healthy relationships. I believe that by giving you another opportunity to disrespect me is allowing you one more time to stress me out. Not going to do it. That’s what therapy is for.

However, the words of my therapist played in my head all day. Is it possible that I need to give closure? Is there a proper way of ending relationships? Ugh!

The next morning I got up and read my devotional and it spoke of Proverbs 4:20-23:

Proverbs 4:20-23 (NRSV)

20 My child, be attentive to my words;
    incline your ear to my sayings.
21 Do not let them escape from your sight;
    keep them within your heart.
22 For they are life to those who find them,
    and healing to all their flesh.
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
    for from it flow the springs of life.

The writer was telling me that it is important to guard your heart. It is the very essence of who you are. This was my confirmation that I didn’t need to give closure to people via email or text or verbally after they unload on me. I was protecting my heart.

The thing we need to remember is that when we allow people into our lives that sometimes their purpose is for a reason or season. We can’t allow people to bring toxicity into our lives and be able to protect our heart from that. We can’t. Eventually that will spread into our lives.

By releasing people from any obligation to continue in this relationship, I am protecting my heart. I’m doing what’s best for me. I don’t harbor any ill will or bitterness. Things end. I wish people the best as they move forward. Without me.

I encourage you today to protect your heart. Do not allow negative thoughts to set up shop in your heart. Release people from any obligation to stay in your life and free yourself from toxic things. Your heart matters. You matter.

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Munch’s Black History Moment

Munch is learning about Martin Luther King Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement in school. He was telling me about Martin Luther King Jr. and all the things he learned…

  • he was a pastor
  • he’s from Atlanta, Georgia
  • he went to Morehouse (like his daddy)
  • he delivered his I Have a Dream speech in Washington, DC
  • he was assassinated

As he was talking he stopped and said “Mommy, Martin Luther King’s speech was about us living in harmony. People of all colors. He wanted us to get along. Like I get along with Noah and Emma. We’re all one.” I smiled. “Yeah, baby we’re all one people. We all matter.”

He then said “Even though Noah and Emma and I have different colors we are all important and need to learn how to get along. We all belong to God and Martin Luther King Jr. wanted all of us to be treated fairly.”

Yep, this kid is amazing. My son. He knew that his skin color was different than my girlfriend and her family. But, they don’t see color as a problem. They see it as different but perfectly normal. We all matter. We should all get along.

I have been blessed with some amazing friends throughout my life and I’m excited that in a time of turmoil that my son can see the bigger picture. His life matters. The life of his friends matter. We’re all apart of that big beautiful rainbow.

 

Overwhelming

Sometimes it is overwhelming to deal with people that don’t know how to act. You know the ones that treat you like crap or lash out at you for no reason than they feel like it. You find yourself struggling. Trying to breathe from the overwhelming BS that is shoved your way.

I’m dealing with my issues. I’m an advocate for mental health and therapy. I don’t want to own the baggage of others. I try to separate myself from ignorance and people bringing negativity. Some days are better than others.

It is a struggle to balance both good and evil in your life. But, I’m learning. I have great people that surround me who whisper to me “Don’t let it bother you” “Let it roll off your back” and “Don’t carry their baggage. You’re not a baggage handler.”

I smile.

I struggle with this overwhelming guilt that I’m somehow being a bad Christian, sister, daughter, human being if I push back. It’s a learning process. I’m learning to not be overwhelmed.

 

This post was inspired by the Daily Prompt. The word was overwhelming.

Motivational Monday Moment – 1/23/17

Today’s Motivational Monday Moment came to me over the last week. The word for today is faith. Faith as a noun is belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion. I was reminded to keep my faith last week.

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It was a rough week. While the view was beautiful. The road’s seemed impassable. The battle was long and uphill and I saw no break in the rough terrain.

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Everywhere I looked, I encountered more problems than resolutions and more pain than peace. I was really going through it. I began to question. Question was I good enough? Could I finish this race?

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I began to bemoan my situation. Why me O’ Lord? Why me? Why have thou forsaken me? Why do I have to endure the trials and tribulations of life on a consistent basis?

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I began to bargain…Lord, if you just let me catch a break I promise to be better. I promise to do more. I promise to…

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I began to be selfish. I allowed my own trials and tribulations to distract me from God’s will. I was being distracted. I was tried, tested and had failed because I had allowed my faith to become smaller than my situation. I knew better.

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I had to refocus my faith. My faith was being tested. There were going to be situations and trials that were determined to knock me off my path, but I would be steadfast and unmovable. I needed to get a hold onto my life and center my faith. All was not lost. I am not alone. I couldn’t sit here in wallow in my pity about my circumstance. I had to kneel in prayer. To go to the one who was the keeper of my spirit.

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To seek guidance. To know that all was not lost. To know that joy cometh in the morning. I can’t act like I don’t have problems because I do. But, I serve a God that is bigger than my problems. I just had to remember that.

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No time to sit here and bemoan my lot in life. I need to get back the pep in my step and hold my head up high. This race is not over. I will keep the faith. I will keep pushing and I will keep believing because I am not meant to be a victim, rather I’m meant to be a victor.

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I can’t lose my faith. We can’t lose our faith. Don’t worry about this post election drama. Don’t worry about things that seem out of control at the moment. You and I serve a mighty God. We’ve experienced both the best and worst of times and you know what? We will survive.