Reblog: I Wish

I love the scent of you

The scent of your skin invokes memories of

Happiness

When we were happy

When we loved without thought

When we laughed without regard

When we realized that in this bitter world

It was only us

That existed

 

But our existence has ended

We live in two separate worlds

Worlds of reality and fantasy

I want reality

You want fantasy

You tell me that your fantasy is my reality

And I realize that you may be right

And I wish I could turn back time

Rewind all the memories

Erase from my mind the scent of you

Then maybe I could stop

Just stop

Hating you

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Where Am I?

Where Am I? I don’t know. It’s a simple question. But, I struggle to answer. Why? Because it seems that I am nowhere, but somewhere. Where? I don’t know.

I guess I would say that I am somewhere between bliss and exhaustion. Heaven and hell. Uncertainty. Indecisiveness. The location evades my consciousness.

So much has happened. In the world. In my life. In Charlottesville. Sigh. I can’t.

I’m tired ya’ll. You know that I’m tired of living in a society that values ignorance over humanity. I’m tired of living in a country where the color of my skin matters more than the content of my character. I’m tired of having to talk to my son about racial bias and yet educate him on the realities of racism.

He’s 9.

He still believes in the tooth fairy. He still believes in Santa Claus. He is innocent. I have to protect him. So, I decided that I needed to take a break.

I unplugged.

I took some time to gather my thoughts, pray and re-center myself. School starts next month and so does my busy season. I have to get it together. No more drama. No more negativity sucking away at my time, money or life.

One foot in front of the other.

I march.

Slowly and with determination and uphill. It doesn’t matter. Life is what is. No crystal stair, but there are stairs to climb.

I can’t stop.

I won’t stop.

Fighting.

Fighting for Munch.

Fighting for you.

Fighting for me.

Fighting for everyone.

My break has allowed me the opportunity to reflect on my journey and recenter my expectations. To realign my goals and just breathe this sometimes heavy atmosphere into my lungs and exhale the fear and frustrations.

Can I just tell you that I was tired ya’ll?

I’ve joined so many Facebook groups trying to learn and align myself with my tribes. To inspire others. To let people know that sometimes the enemy we face is our own self. When we look in that mirror and realize that we are blocking our own blessings. We have to be accountable. We have to hold each other accountable. Only then will we feel the shift.

The shift in our perspective.

We have to heal. We have to be better. We have to see that change is gonna come if we believe.

Be blessed loves!

You were all missed.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

My IVF Journey: Dying Each Day

My cousin wasn’t getting better. I was getting worse. I was feeling like a failure in all aspects of my marriage. I went to the doctor’s and you know how that conversation turned out. I was officially depressed.

Between work and trying to keep the mask of superficiality on my face, I was really going through it. Work became an integral part of my life. I needed to have something to latch on too. Something that felt real.

But it was a farce and continued to be so for many months. Until our anniversary. That night we laughed in an uneasy form, but decided to give our marriage another go. We decided to recommit and focus on us and having a baby.

I was scared as hell. I couldn’t go through this again. The pain. The disappointment. The fear of having no baby.

But, I prayed. I wanted to give my husband a baby more than life itself. The thought of being a mom was one of my deepest fears. I struggled with insecurities about parenthood. What kind of mother would I be? Would my child love me? Would my child like me?

These thoughts were real for me. Parenthood was scary as hell. So, I jumped off that cliff and closed my eyes and flew.

Back through the IVF cycle. The pills, the shots, the bruising, the mood swings. The anger was real bad this time. Those drugs had me saying stuff to my husband that I never thought possible. One day I told him “Will you shut the hell up? The sound of your voice is making my ears bleed?” He didn’t respond.

I was upset. I cried later. He consoled me and said “It’s the medications. I understand.” I didn’t. It was hell on my body. My hair was shedding like a damn cat. I felt as though I was losing it.

The day of my egg retrieval, I woke up and he was right there smiling. I heard a doctor tell the woman next to me that they had retrieved 23 eggs. My husband grabbed my hand. We both wondered would we be so lucky.

A beautiful Indian doctor walked in. She indicated that they had retrieved 11 eggs. I cried. That wasn’t enough. Here we go again.

She asked me “What’s wrong?” I told her “I overheard the woman in the next cot had 23 eggs retrieved. I wasn’t going to ever have a baby and I hated this process.” She looked at me and said “Ms. Thomas, not to give anyone’s medical information away, but the woman in the next room has a medical condition where she is producing more eggs than normal. She said 11 is a good number and it only takes one. I need you to remember that it only takes one to have a healthy baby.”

My husband squeezed my hand and said “See, we did good.” I closed my eyes. I was tired. I couldn’t take another round of defeat.

-To be continued-

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Motivational Monday Moment– 7.24.17

Today’s Motivational Monday Moment is about finding your joy in the midst of your storm. I know it’s hard. I know that life can be overwhelming sometimes. I get it. You may be in a transition, a storm or a dang hurricane, but hold on love.

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I need you to hold on and anchor yourself. You need to remember that you can’t control the storm, but don’t let it take your joy. You have to hold on.

I remember going through a rough period four years ago when I ended my marriage. We were in a bad space. I was hurting. He was hurting. I was literally being engulfed in a sea of pain and anger. I was drowning. I had let go of my joy.

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Have you ever literally fallen because of the emotional pain you were experiencing? There was nothing physically wrong with you, but the emotional pain was overwhelming? I have. It is unbelievable.

I would be walking and fall out and start crying. My son was holding my head begging me not to cry. He said “Mommy, don’t cry. I’ll protect you. Mommy, please don’t cry.” I’ll never forget that.

It took everything in me to get beyond the grief that I was experiencing. I was dealing with so much pain and grief at the dissolution of my family structure and how we were treating each other that I thought I was going to lose my mind.

I couldn’t hold on to my joy. It was slipping through my fingers. Until one day…

I literally heard God speak to me and say “Get up! It is done.” 

And just like that I had regained the strength to keep on fighting. To keep on moving forward despite the pain that I found myself in. I was not alone. God reminded me of that. That remembrance of his love and mercy helped me to regain my joy.

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You see God had given me back my joy. But, I’ve strayed. I’ve let life and situations that I find myself in overwhelm me. I allow the hopelessness and pain of my situations choke the joy out of me. Until now.

I am reading everything lately. Nothing is one sided. Where there is darkness there is light. Where there is pain there is joy. The good and bad exist on the same plane. I can take the good, but not the bad, but is that fair?

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Nope. I need to remember re-frame a situation, re-establish boundaries and restructure my outlook on life. My joy doesn’t disappear when there is pain. When there is despair, joy is still there. I have to remember that.

And I want you to remember it too. There is nothing that you are going through that you can’t find and hold on to your joy. You are a vessel of positive light and you are loved. No matter what the situation you find yourself in, please know that you are of value and joy is within you. Don’t despair my friend.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Volume

I turned down the volume on the radio. I had a headache. The stress of my situation was weighing on my spirit and I couldn’t take it. I sighed “Two more weeks.”

Two more weeks until I was free to move away. Move to another place far away from this mess of a life that I had managed to create here. My job was transferring. Bigger raise. Bigger opportunity. Bigger city.

The promotion spoke volumes about my professional career. My love life on the other hand wasn’t as finalized. I had been dating a man for the last six months. I don’t know if you could really call it dating. It was more of a relationship of convenience. We hooked up when we were available.

He was a Virgo. Moody as hell. Fine, but definitely not a long term option. He didn’t seem to care when I told him about the job offer and move to Chicago. He just grunted “Good for you.” I guess I knew where we stood in those three words. They spoke volumes.

I couldn’t wait to get out of D.C.. So many memories, both good and bad, but Chicago was a new city. Time for a bigger change. I had already connected with some of my sorority sisters and they couldn’t wait for my arrival. I could just imagine the jazz clubs, the deep dish pizza and the winters. I was ready.

I looked around my apartment and tried to finish packing up my life. No real attachments. My walls held the standard black art and my shelves contained the acceptable amount of English and Russian literature to show that I was educated. I had no personal photos of men that I dated or my family. I was too busy.

Always working. Always striving. I was the most accomplished in my family. That in itself spoke volumes.

I grew up dirt poor in Frog Jump, Tennessee. Not much to see, but the minute I graduated, I packed my bags and headed to Atlanta, Georgia.  I was a southern girl at heart. I attended a prestigious HBCU, graduated with honors and got a job in NYC. After a few years working my way up the corporate ladder, off to the nation’s capital I ventured to work on my MBA at Johns Hopkins and work in finance.

I just knew that I would find love here. I did. Derek was his name. He was tall, sexy and educated to boot. He was my first real love. He showed me the world. I gave him my all. Including my womb where he planted his seed. We were having a baby. It was unexpected, but I knew that Derek would be excited.

We had talked about children, marriage and a future after we had both established ourselves professionally. We were going to be a power couple. Until the baby. Until the night I told Derek that I was carrying our future. He looked at me with so much power that I knew that he would gather me up in his arms and kiss me.

But, I felt the force of his fist across my eye. The venom and anger in which he hit me with his fists and his words spoke volumes. “You whore!” he screamed. “You know that I am not where I’m supposed to be. You trapped me you slut!”

I laid there as he continued to hit me and kick me. I couldn’t fight back. He was too big. I tried. I cried. I tried to protect my belly.

My neighbor called the police. They broke in. They saved me.

I was another statistic. Another battered woman. My degrees didn’t matter. My job status. My race.

I lost more than my baby that night. I lost a piece of my soul. The quietness of my womb spoke volumes as I lay in my hospital bed.

 

This piece is inspired by the Daily Post. The word prompt of the day was volume.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Motivational Monday Moment – 6/12/17

Today’s Motivational Monday is about mindfulness. I told ya’ll last week how stressed I’ve been and it is affecting my health. I need to get a grip. I’ve begun to make changes and starting to implement the things my therapist and doctor told me because I don’t want to die. I have too much to live for.

That being said, I started to practice mindfulness. You’re probably wondering…what is mindfulness? T, what are you doing? Is this some hokey pokey weird stuff? No, I assure you it is not. I am just learning to exhibit some self-control over my mind when it comes to the stress that I’m enduring.

mindfulness (n)

  1. the state or quality of being mindful or aware of something.
  2. Psychology.
  1. a technique in which one focuses one’s full attention only on the present, experiencing thoughts, feelings, and sensations but not judging them:  The practice of mindfulness can reduce stress and physical pain.
  2. the mental state maintained by the use of this technique.

So, I’ve been doing breathing exercises and incorporated meditation. About 1 minute of mediation daily. It’s a start. I’m trying to control my mind so that I’m not being consumed by all the negativity.

I’ve also started to track the things that are stressing me out, accept them and move on. This is a big deal for me. Usually I let them sit in my spirit and I’m so angry and ready to cuss. I let the anger sit in my spirit and mind and fester in me all day and I am holding on to it.

I am learning to breathe through it. Refocus and accept that things are not always going to be the way that they should and that’s okay. That’s life. But, I used to feel the need to argue and tell my side of the story and my point of view on things when people talk about me or blatantly lie on me. That is not the case. With mindfulness comes an awareness of self.

I can only control me. That is the only thing that I need to worry about. Giving time and energy to things that don’t yield tangible results would be a waste. I need to focus and redirect my spirit to the present and just keeping positive vibes around me. Negative vibes will destroy the hell out of your mood.

My Motivational Monday Moment is to remind you to be mindful of the energy that you allow around you. Choose only positive energy today. If you can’t do that, then be mindful of the energy that is not in line with your spirit and move to a place of peace and acceptance of that negativity. Don’t let it consume you or destroy the wonderful place you’re cultivating.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

You Will Not Believe This

I told you all about how my ex and I are going back to court for custody and that when we arrived to have our custody hearing we were told that we were still married. No? You can read about it in Failure of the Court and in Divorced Again. Long story short…we were both shocked as hell.

We went to a Pendente Lite (temporary custody) hearing on May 4th only to be told that nothing can be done because the second divorce hadn’t been signed off. Yep, another day off work. Another day of time wasted. Another day of stress. The magistrate then said that we have a custody hearing in August so it would wait. What the hell? More delays. More stress. More time off work.

I was beyond frustrated and barely holding on with all this back and forth. I felt like the courts had failed me. Could no one do their job? Would I have to continue in this state of unknown until August? Yep. Apparently.

I was a wreck a few days after the hearing as you can imagine because I was mentally and physically tired. I allowed myself a couple of days to focus on other things and to get my mind right. There were still things that I had to do and Munch still needed to be taken care of. After a few days of moping around, I got up and moved on with my life.

Well, last Monday when I went to get the mail I had three notices from the courts. Not thinking it was anything other than the second divorce paper and update on the August trial, I was shocked to read:

The Scheduling Order dated April 20, 2017 and the Magistrate recommendations of April 11, 2017 and May 4, 2017 are stricken. The Judgment of Absolute Divorce dated March 17, 2016 remains in full force and effect. The parties’ respective Motions for Modification shall be scheduled for three hours on the earliest available date. Notice to be sent to the parties.

What? Was I reading this correctly? That meant that a judge had reviewed our complicated file and decided that all that extra BS we were going through was not necessary and that the original divorce stood as is. Custody remained as is. We were legally divorced back to the original date granted.

I ripped open the other two envelopes and one said to schedule the Motions for Modification hearing on June 21st and to remove the merits hearing scheduled for August. The final was the hearing confirmation from the court house calendar management division. It was real. It was happening. Sooner rather than later and I didn’t have to wait until August.

What’s the big deal? Nothing really. Time. I am tired of all the back and forth and the courts are stressing me the hell out. First we’re divorced, then we’re not divorced, then we can’t have a hearing on custody because the second divorce hadn’t been signed off and then we’re really divorced (my bad) let’s go to court next month.  It is exhausting. Heck, I’m exhausted telling you about it.

But, thankfully a judge reviewed the file in it’s entirety and upheld the original divorce and decided that we didn’t have to start all over. Again. I appreciated that. I don’t know what will happen in court next month, but I’m convinced that God’s will will be done. So, I ask that you keep us all (Munch, my ex and I) in your prayers because truthfully we need it.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.