Is it wrong to create dating deadlines in a relationship? How long will you date a man before you make him “put up or shut up” and take your relationship to the next level? I’m not saying that we should date a man indefinitely, but when do you expire your relationships because they don’t end in marriage? Do you give an unlimited time frame or are you more specific in your dating goals?
I read this great article about Why You Should Never Date A Man More Than A Year and wondered do all women do this? Do we give our significant other a timetable to move our relationship from one level to the next? Has this worked in your favor whether good or bad?
I want to know.
The article made great points and after reading the comments, the author said she was referring to women in their 20’s and 30’s. I thought cool. I commented and told her that it was a great read and I understand it, but it wouldn’t apply to me as I am divorced and in my 40’s.
My priorities have shifted. I no longer feel the need to rush down the aisle. Now, don’t get me wrong…I have a dating timetable, but I don’t want anymore children and I have no desire to rush the process. I’m taking my time and really focusing on creating a healthy union full of good ole’ communication.
Nope, I don’t believe it will be perfect. But, I’m willing to work on me, while he works on he so then things can move to “we”. Marriage is a big step for anyone. I learned a lot about myself in my marriage and I learned a lot about other people. The 27 year old me really didn’t know herself.
Knowing your self is fundamental to a relationship. Don’t compromise on the things that you know that you can’t live with. It will destroy your sanity in the end. You will look up one day and realize that you wish this man would go somewhere and die a slow ass death.
But I digress.
Back to me. The point is that at 42 I need to be sure that I’m ready to get married again and that the man is there too. Munch can’t watch another family break up. I need a couple of years of dating exclusively for us to get to that level. One year is too short for me.
I’m looking to get remarried someday and won’t casually date a man that isn’t looking for the same. I explained that to Mr. C on our third date. He didn’t run. He agreed that he was open to getting married again.
I smiled. I told him that I wanted him to tell me if he ever knew that I wasn’t the one. Let me find my happiness elsewhere. He laughed. Probably thought I was crazy. I did tell him though that I would not date him beyond two years without an engagement to let me know that he’s serious (the 2 year mark is 8.15.18). At that point we would have dated for 2 years exclusively and almost 3 years. But, that doesn’t mean that we’ll rush to the alter.
I want to enjoy being engaged. I want him to spend time with Munch and I. I want us to do things as a family before and after we get engaged. We need to get Munch used to the fact that we’ll be combining families and lives and he’ll have a bonus dad. That is something that I don’t want to rush. Maybe I’m too cautious, but I’ve seen so many marriages put together without the kids getting an opportunity to truly know the other spouse that it creates a difficult relationship.
I don’t want that. I want to take my time dating, loving and being a girlfriend to a wonderful man. Go at our own pace (as long as it fits within my timeframe, LOL) and know that we are building for longevity. The other thing we’re doing is working our relationship on God’s terms. Not mans.
So, if God says “T, fall back.” Guess I’m falling back. I trust that what God has for me is just for me. The key is not to get married, but to stay married and if you rush your process you may find yourself ending up in divorce.
Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.
A Thomas Point of View 
I use to say I don’t need to be married again and after my last relationship, I feel I wouldn’t want to be remarried again. It was hard enough getting him off the bank account, insurance and phone bill, don’t need a court order to get him off my name too.
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LMAO. I think divorced people feel that we’re in no rush to do this again. Our perspective is shaped by our past experience and we want to take our time. A year doesn’t give us that time.
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Pulled through knot holes backwards is what divorce is to a man. I am still getting kicked and messed around with by my ex, who didn’t ‘waste’ her beauty but rather shared it with I don’t even want to think about how many others. I will never get married again. My girl and I are clear on this, though I know it bothers her sometimes. I never had ‘resources’ so I used student loans to fund my divorce. I won almost 30% time with my son, but the quality of said time is severely diminished when I can’t afford shit. I think it’s really unfair to claim that men aren’t emotionally affected or invested. I drive around my city, and sometimes I pass a building, landmark, restaurant, or something and it rattles those memories of being married. I remember how happy we were (I thought) and it’s like twisting a knife that my mind had finally managed to ignore.
I may have recovered my sanity after divorcing, but that legal binding will continue to bear down on my life. Thanks to the blatant combining of church and state, I was emotionally violated and am forced to pay for it too. Nothing could be worth the risk of giving someone that kind of power over me again.
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Totally understood. I don’t believe that all men aren’t emotionally invested either. I met a lot of men when I was dating who were cheated on and then the fact that they had a child and lost everything was ridiculous. So, I would say that it doesn’t apply to all men and definitely not men who’ve been through a marriage before and a painful divorce. Older men have usually learned their lesson and tend to think of marriage as something that may not happen again. I get that. That was why I was clear in my conversation with Mr. C because he had two failed marriages would he do it again. I understood if he didn’t but I wasn’t going to start dating someone who knew that they would never get it right. He was cool. However, although the divorce was painful, he got custody of his son and didn’t have to pay alimony or anything. No children were conceived in his second marriage and we don’t want kids. So, we won’t be sharing big alimony payments or child support payments should we choose to marry.
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Being clear about things upfront always makes it easier. To marry, have kids, live here or there, focus on career or family… It’s all big and we want to address those. I think that taking care of those little pebbles in the shoe is the real challenge of a relationship.
Thanks for hearing out my comments, too. I hesitate to chime in on such subjects for fear of igniting conflict. It’s nice to have a welcoming platform!
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Of course you have a welcoming platform. As a divorced mother I totally get where you’re coming from. Divorce is hard and unless people have been through one they have no idea. Add child support or custody issues and trying to co-parent with someone and you have a trifecta of post marriage issues until your child is 18. I totally respect a man who tells me that upfront than dating me and then I find out he has no desire to ever marry again. I think it requires two people to have a conversation up front about their expectations and then they can decide if they will continue to date or not.
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It used to be a priority for me to get married but not anymore. I’ve been with my boyfriend off and on for 4 years. We’re trying to have a baby but nothing yet. I will probably have to get a procedure done in order to make it happen. We were engaged at one point but not anymore. I still have the ring but I don’t wear it. We had some problems last year so we didn’t get married. We aren’t living together right now either. I might consider it again when my lease is up in June. He said he still wants to get married, especially if I get pregnant. I’ve always wanted my little girl so I’m going to do my best to make it happen. Marriage is just a piece of paper. It takes work to make a relationship or marriage work. I’m already 35 so getting pregnant ASAP is a priority for me. Marriage not so much at this time. Maybe when I’m 40 or 50 it will be more of a priority 😉 I love my boyfriend a lot but damn it’s hard to be with him at times. We’ve gotten a lot better but we went through some hard times, especially last year.
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Understood. So, marriage isn’t your end goal? That’s cool too. I think that if women know that then they are less likely to be with a man for ever and then resent him should he leave and marry someone else. If neither of you want marriage yet, then there is no rush.
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Well I feel that I’ll eventually marry this one but I don’t know when. Even if we don’t get married I think we’ll still be together. My son’s dad didn’t marry me after 7 years. He married the one after me. Lol. Let’s just say I dodged a bullet.
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It always happens. LOL.
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Yea. Lol. He moved to Mexico for awhile because she didn’t have papers. She has 3 kids and one with him now. He should’ve stayed in Mexico. 😂
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This was thought provoking. We were just talking about this a couple nights ago. We now live together and no longer decided that dating was a term to describe us and we are more like partners.
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I like that.
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