Girl – Fall in Line

Yesterday, I posted Real Men Lead about how to know whether or not a man can lead. Now, I want to talk about women submitting. As stated in yesterday’s post…you should only submit to your spouse. Not your boyfriend.

Is it hard? Yep, but you have to know that submission is what is required for a union to work. You can’t solely focus on the ring and the wedding and miss the signs that the man can’t or won’t lead you. He has to be able to lead the family.

I know that when Mr. C and I marry that I will be able to submit. Why? I’m older and wiser now. When I married last, I remember the pastor saying that a “house can’t have two kings Tikeetha. You have to submit.” I laughed and said “I’ll submit. He’s the head, but I’m the neck.” He sighed.

I didn’t realize what I was doing. I didn’t accept my husband’s role in the marriage and I didn’t understand my own. That is something that I’m so serious about this time. Letting a man of God lead our family. I am vowing to give that to Mr. C.

Many of you may be asking how I can knowingly submit to this man. I’ll tell you how, two reasons:

  1. Because I prayed to God to send me Mr. C. and HE did. Mr. C is my answered prayer
  2. Because the Bible tells me too.

Women, we need to understand that our role in a marriage is not to break or destroy our men, but to be their rib. Your rib protects your vital organs. We need to protect him. We can’t lead our house. That is our husband’s job. We need to submit to his leadership. Can you?

If you are struggling to submit to his leadership maybe it’s because you don’t trust his leadership and if you don’t trust his leadership then why did you marry him? It’s something you need to ask yourself. You need to work together to get back on track because trust is fundamental in a marriage. If there is no trust you can’t operate with one mindset that the marriage is the of the utmost priority in the household. Your goals for the family must be in alignment.

If you examine where you are with trust, it may be time to seek out professional counseling to work on rebuilding and securing your strong foundation. You two deserve to have a great marriage and you just need to be willing to put in the work. A good marriage requires two people willing to work at it.

Now, if you are not married and looking for guidance as to what you need to do in order to submit. I want to offer this disclaimer: You can’t make someone submit. You can’t. If you are married and your wife is choosing not to submit you can’t force her. You can suggest counseling because there are issues that your wife may be dealing with because submission is not something she wants to do.

Just like in my last marriage, I will offer this advice I received “A home can’t have two kings.” I know some women may be thinking “Well, I’m not a king, but a queen and I can do it by myself.” Then I offer this…“Why didn’t you stay single and run your own queendom?” Marriage is a partnership and you must understand your role.

5 Things You Must Know Before Submitting:

  1. You have to deal with your own issues before marriage. Making sure that you are mentally healthy and ready for the partnership and unity. Deal with any trust issues you have. Your husband should not pay for the problems of the past. Work them out in therapy and enter your marriage mentally healthy and ready to submit.
  2. You are the rib. You are not the head. You are not leading the marriage. You are supposed to understand that it is a partnership and that your marriage is a priority. Let him lead and be the support. You have to support your husband. Support his choices and decisions knowing that he is following God and will do what is best for the family. Protect him from harm. Have his back and love him through both his good and bad days.
  3. You will sometimes feel alone in your submission. But, you’re not. Ultimately, what is happening is that when you submit to your husband, you are submitting to the will of God and that will is what is working in your marriage. You have to trust this and trust your husband.
  4. Submission means willing to receive direction. Your husband is directing the family because he can’t do it on his own. Realistically speaking, he shouldn’t. It takes two people to make sure that your foundation is firm and your bond unbreakable. Allow him to delegate and follow his lead.
  5. Submission allows your husband to love you completely. If he’s not competing for the role of leader he can love you and focus on the best interest of the family. That means that he will be invested in protecting his family. The family unit stays in tact when you both are working towards the common goal that marriage is a journey and you’re not in a rush to get to the destination.

Savor it sis. Let the man love and lead you the way you’re supposed to be loved. Be giving. Be gracious and be submissive.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Real Men Lead

Let’s be real. We all want a man. A real man. A man to lead us. To lead our family. To be the true head of the household.

Can you imagine it? Do you have that already? Isn’t it awesome?

For those of you that don’t have that now or are looking for it, this post is for you. For those of you that are fortunate to have this kind of man, you are blessed. Keep living your happy lives knowing that two become one when you are united. I love it.

Now, one of the things that I’m realizing is that many women say that they want a man to lead, but don’t know how to submit. Let me clarify this…submission is only in marriage. Not dating or living together. Don’t shack up and submit. If you can shack up then you should get married so you can submit to your husband because let’s keep it real…it will be hard to submit once you transition from living together as boyfriend and girlfriend to married folks.

Been there and done that. That’s why Mr. C and I aren’t shacking up with our children until we jump that proverbial broom. The day that we say our vows, will be the day that we stand before God and our children and pledge our lives to each other. It is the day that I will know that my prayers have been answered and God has sent me the man to lead our family.

I will completely submit to my husband’s lead. I will follow and love and protect our family something fierce. I will pray for him and our children as I do myself and encourage his dreams. I will trust in God’s will as God has trusted him to lead.

Submission is easy when you know that the man that you are with is a good leader. Real men lead sis. Let’s cut to the chase. Leading is not instinctive in many cases, neither is submission, but I’ll discuss that later. Leadership requires sacrifice, a strong work ethic and a brilliant mind. Does your man have those qualities?

A man that will lead you needs to know these 5 things:

  1. He needs to know and follow God. This is absolutely the most important thing. How can a man lead when he’s not being led by God? He can’t. He is just winging it. You will go through things in your marriage that will try to break and destroy you. Who will your man lean on? Will he pray for you? Will he pray for guidance from God? Will he pray for your marriage? A man can’t lead you if he’s floundering out in the wilderness with no compass. God is the compass sis!
  2. He needs to know his issues and is seeking to work on them through therapy or has resolved them. A broken man can’t lead. No way. No how. If he has trust issues, money problems or a problem being faithful, he is broken. He can’t lead and you can’t follow. Don’t try to fix him sis. Keep it moving.
  3. He needs to be an investor in your marriage. That means that he has to put your marriage first all the time. ALL THE TIME. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Your marriage must come first. Your marriage is an investment that he will spend time watching and working on to make sure that the investment yields a tangible profit…happiness.
  4. He needs to have a fighting spirit. Marriage is not easy. Everyone goes through things. It’s a part of the cycle. Sometimes it will get too heavy. There may be illness, infidelity or just a lazy spirit in your marriage. He needs to be fighting for your marriage even when you don’t. Divorce should not be an option.
  5. He needs to be able to delegate. A man can’t do everything. No one can do everything. But, if he can delegate his needs to you it will bring you closer. People that try to do everything by themselves either burn themselves out or fail miserably. Trust me. I speak from experience. Being able to communicate his needs and want and delegate some responsibilities to you will allow you both to develop closer as a unit and marriage. Unity is the key.

Now, that you know what it takes for a real man to lead. Are you married to a man that is leading you? Have you ever dated a man that knows how to lead?

Tomorrow’s post will discuss a woman’s role in submission to a man.

-To Be Continued-

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

My IVF Journey: The Road Less Traveled

The two week wait was agonizing. How could I continue to act like nothing was going on? I was possibly creating life in my womb. I was scared yet hopeful that God would be in all that was happening.

I went about my daily life trying to occupy my time and thoughts. Luckily, I was gearing up for my busy season at work, but my marriage took a hit. I thought I was losing my damn mind. Nothing could prepare me for the hell that I found myself in.

I spent so much time crying out to God. I wanted to know why o’ why had He forsaken me? Why did he allow me to be in so much pain? I put my mask back on. The mask of pretending that I was okay when I was in an unfathomable amount of pain.

I was losing control. Nothing in life seemed to be going as it should. I couldn’t let the world see.

The world couldn’t see that I was dying and trying to hold on to my sanity. I am a survivor. I had survived worse, but how much more was I expected to bear?

I prayed that God could hear my cries. I was alone. Trapped in the pain of my mind. The weight of my wedding ring was burning my skin. The  two week wait passed with more tears and numbness than I thought possible.

I got up and went to the fertility clinic. I had survived the two week wait. I had to get my blood drawn. I was used to needles by then. Hated them, but I was becoming indifferent to pain. They told me that my nurse would call me later with the results.

I sighed. I knew the drill. It was probably another negative. I mean how could I be pregnant at this point? I couldn’t think about it. I had to get to work.

Waiting for the call from my fertility nurse was agonizing. I busied myself with meetings and work. I still had a job to do. A job that I needed with so much uncertainty surrounding me.

I was traveling a road that was new to me. Foreign. Was I pregnant? Did I want to stay in my marriage? Am I strong enough?

I checked my voicemail. The nurse had called. I called her back. She was unavailable. I had to wait for her to call me back.

Damn it!

Keep moving. Keep working. Occupy your mind and thoughts.

She called 30 minutes later. She said that my test was positive.

I was pregnant.

Tears rolled down my eyes.

I was pregnant.

I closed my eyes. “Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes, your test came back positive” she said.

I was now a mommy. I was standing at the crossroads in my marriage and I was finally pregnant. God has a strange sense of humor. I didn’t sign up for this. What’s happening to me?

-To be continued-

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

My IVF Journey: Back to the Drawing Board

I ignored my husband. The egg number was low as compared to the woman in the other room. Too low. I just closed my eyes and prayed. Prayed that one of those eggs would give us a baby.

We left and I spent the rest of the day trying to clear my head. We decided that we had to be different. This stress of going through the process couldn’t destroy us again.

The nurse called to tell us about the embryos developing. All was good. Five had made it to the blastocyst stage. Good news.

We were scheduled for a day 5 transfer. I was nervous as hell. The same beautiful Indian doctor who did the retrieval was scheduled to do my transplant. Where the hell was my doctor? He was the one who believed that he could get me pregnant again.

She explained how excited that she was to see me again. She said that she remembered me from the retrieval and she had great news about our eggs. They were beautiful and strong. Five made it and she began to discuss the transplant.

If we transferred one embryo the chance of getting pregnant was 32%. If she transferred two Grade AA embryos the chance of getting pregnant was 54%, but the chance of twins was 57%. I stopped.

I mean I had thought about twins, but not really. I thought about how beautiful my babies would be with my husband’s eyes and mouth, but I knew that I would be exhausted…mentally, spiritually and financially. I hesitated. I looked at my husband.

He recommended two. Of course he would. He had no clue what it would be like raising two babies. He just wanted a baby. By any means necessary.

I looked at the doctor and asked “What would you do?” She said “If it were me, I would transfer 2, but it is up to you. Do you think you could handle twins?” I didn’t know if I could handle twins. But, I knew the odds were higher that one of the embryos would implant and give us a baby.

I agreed to transfer two embryos. She smiled and they transferred two beautiful eggs back into my womb. I prayed that one of those eggs would implant. I wanted a baby.

It was now time to wait. The two week process was grueling as hell, but we were determined that we could wait. We had dinner plans with friends and my husband’s birthday was coming up.

I had bought him tickets to watch his favorite football team, the Redskins, play on his birthday. It was a couple of great seats that included parking and a full tail gate pass. I even told him that he could take one of his friends. I hate football, so I didn’t want him to feel obligated.

But, he didn’t care. He wanted to experience it with me. Why? I hate football. It was hot and all I could do to quench this insatiable thirst was drink beer. I hate beer. I still didn’t know if I was pregnant, but I wasn’t going to deny myself alcohol waiting on another negative.

The game was long, hot and I was sticky. I was happy when we got to leave and go home. I was a little dizzy from the heat and beer. There was one more day.

We only had to wait one more day before finding out if the egg implanted or not. I couldn’t take it. I was coming apart at the seams. My marriage was suffering a major set back and I didn’t know how much I could take before breaking.

I didn’t know if being pregnant would have been good at that moment. I had prayed for this baby and I know I was wondering if my entire life was a mistake. What were we doing?

-To be continued-

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

My IVF Journey: Dying Each Day

My cousin wasn’t getting better. I was getting worse. I was feeling like a failure in all aspects of my marriage. I went to the doctor’s and you know how that conversation turned out. I was officially depressed.

Between work and trying to keep the mask of superficiality on my face, I was really going through it. Work became an integral part of my life. I needed to have something to latch on too. Something that felt real.

But it was a farce and continued to be so for many months. Until our anniversary. That night we laughed in an uneasy form, but decided to give our marriage another go. We decided to recommit and focus on us and having a baby.

I was scared as hell. I couldn’t go through this again. The pain. The disappointment. The fear of having no baby.

But, I prayed. I wanted to give my husband a baby more than life itself. The thought of being a mom was one of my deepest fears. I struggled with insecurities about parenthood. What kind of mother would I be? Would my child love me? Would my child like me?

These thoughts were real for me. Parenthood was scary as hell. So, I jumped off that cliff and closed my eyes and flew.

Back through the IVF cycle. The pills, the shots, the bruising, the mood swings. The anger was real bad this time. Those drugs had me saying stuff to my husband that I never thought possible. One day I told him “Will you shut the hell up? The sound of your voice is making my ears bleed?” He didn’t respond.

I was upset. I cried later. He consoled me and said “It’s the medications. I understand.” I didn’t. It was hell on my body. My hair was shedding like a damn cat. I felt as though I was losing it.

The day of my egg retrieval, I woke up and he was right there smiling. I heard a doctor tell the woman next to me that they had retrieved 23 eggs. My husband grabbed my hand. We both wondered would we be so lucky.

A beautiful Indian doctor walked in. She indicated that they had retrieved 11 eggs. I cried. That wasn’t enough. Here we go again.

She asked me “What’s wrong?” I told her “I overheard the woman in the next cot had 23 eggs retrieved. I wasn’t going to ever have a baby and I hated this process.” She looked at me and said “Ms. Thomas, not to give anyone’s medical information away, but the woman in the next room has a medical condition where she is producing more eggs than normal. She said 11 is a good number and it only takes one. I need you to remember that it only takes one to have a healthy baby.”

My husband squeezed my hand and said “See, we did good.” I closed my eyes. I was tired. I couldn’t take another round of defeat.

-To be continued-

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

The Art of Being A Wife Tour

Sorry for the post that wasn’t. I’ve had a busy week and haven’t been able to catch up on a lot of your posts. Please know that I will be doing that over the next few days including this weekend. However, I wanted to tell you about this awesome session that I attended last Saturday. It was called The Art of Being a Wife Tour.

The tour was designed to get women to think of the following questions:

Do I have what it takes to be a great wife?

How do I bring sexy back to my bedroom?

How can I get “me” back after losing her in my marriage?

Am I the only one going through in my marriage?

Can I stay even when the thrill is obviously gone?

As someone who plans to be a wife to Mr. C one day, I wanted to go and check it out. Plus, I knew Tanya Barnett. She wrote the book Being A Wife Just Got Real: Things I Wish I Knew Before I Said “I Do” that I reviewed. I had read the book, but I wanted to know more.

The Women

I had never met Dominique Clarke, but I am glad I did. They were incredible leaders in helping us to really dig dip into things that affect us. Dominique is a matchmaker who has been married for 8 years and she’s only 30. What? How awesome is that?

I couldn’t imagine being married at 22, but she’s making it work. She shares her tips for dating, relationships and marriage with you. She has a book entitled She’s Valuable (But Does She Know It?) that I purchased and started to read. I’ll do a book review on this later.

Tanya Barnett is an entrepreneur, author, mom, wife, radio host and many other titles. She shares her testimony about her relationship struggles in her marriage and what she had to do to fix herself. She tells you how God told her that her marriage was her ministry.

How many of us think of marriage as our ministry? But, it really is. That was an amazing nugget to take away. Her book is amazing and a must read.

What It Wasn’t

It wasn’t a male bashing session. It was a session to help us women figure out what we can work on within ourselves. That in itself was different because we always want to turn it into a male bashing session or point the other finger to our partners when we get around other women.

We aren’t accountable for our own actions. There was none of that. It was all love and respect. It was really getting to what you desire for yourself and your partner so you can strengthen your relationships. I had a ball.

What I Wish

What did I wish they had? A workbook with some excerpts and tips from their own book that they could share. It was a lot of women and we couldn’t get through everything, but have us do the work and talk about what we expect to get out of this. Have us work on ourselves at home.

What I Want You To Know

I learned some things. I learned from the women around me at my table and I was able to share some wisdom as a divorced woman. This was an excellent opportunity for sister bonding and empowerment. Self-improvement always is and will be one of my top priorities in my life.

Highlight

The next stop is in Raleigh, North Carolina. If you are in the area, please go check out this awesome tour. There are only a few tickets remaining. I was also fortunate to give a testimonial. Check it out:

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

My IVF Journey: Great Expectations

It didn’t work. The first attempt at IVF yielded no positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted my baby. I wanted our baby.

Our baby wasn’t growing in my womb. The nurse said “I’m sorry”. I said “Its’ okay.” It wasn’t okay. I should’ve been pregnant. I cried.

I cursed God. I was angry. I was in hell.

Why couldn’t God allow me to get pregnant? Didn’t he know that I wanted a baby? I felt barren and unfit. Unfit to carry a baby.

I withdrew from my marriage. I pushed my feelings inside and threw myself into my work. I needed something to take my mind off not having a baby and I needed to see value in this barren life.

The fertility doctor kept calling to talk to me. I wouldn’t do it. I refused to do it. My husband said “Kee, you need to call the doctor back before he recommends therapy.” Hell, he should have. He did. I was hurting.

After a few weeks of feeling like a failure as a woman because I couldn’t conceive I called the doctor back. He wasn’t available. Oh well. I really didn’t want to talk anyway. He called me right back. He apologized for being in with a patient. He said “I’m sorry.” I shrugged my shoulders and said “I know. It’s part of the process. I knew that there was a probability that it wouldn’t work.” He said, “I think you should do it again. I know that I can get you pregnant.”

I sighed. I couldn’t go through this again. My hair was falling out from the drugs. The bruising on my body. The emotional hell of not hearing that I’m pregnant. I wasn’t ready to be disappointed anymore. I needed to breathe.

“Maybe” I replied.

We hung up. I told my husband what he said. He didn’t respond. I asked him what he thought about it. He said “I think you should do it again. He said that he can get us pregnant.” I walked away.

Silence.

Silence loomed in our house because I felt alone. My body had betrayed me and my husband believed that somehow it was us getting pregnant. It wasn’t. It was me. It was me going through the blood draws, egg retrievals, shots and pills. You can’t understand my pain.

My pain was enveloping me like a thick smoke. I was suffocating. Suffocating in my marriage and in my desire to give him something that I couldn’t give. My womb was broken. I was broken. I was cracking the hell up.

-To be continued-

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.