Recently, I had a conversation about interracial dating with a group of women (and some men). This group was predominantly black (or of African descent), mixed with women and men from other races as well.
I asked them,
“Are you open to other races? Have you always been? What made you open up your options?”
Some of the responses were startling
“I prefer chocolate men but with the shortage of black men, I may have to explore other options.”
Really, I hadn’t realized that black men had gone the way of the Siberian Tiger. Needless to say, there are a lot of black women who have bought into the hype that good black men are becoming extinct. This is very disheartening.
Even worse is this response from another black woman.
“Before I wasn’t. Now I am. I only changed my mind because there are very limited good options in the black community…..I used to say I want to be with somebody who understands us and our struggle; however, I now realize that also comes with lots of trauma and negative energy too sometimes. I’ll pass.”
So you’ll pass on black men, and date interracial because of your choices in men? I find that some women and men, “switch-up-the-program,” because of their negative experience with a handful of people. As a result, this lack of accountability mutates into misguided anger and resentment for black men, or women overall.
My real issue with interracial dating
Overall, my take-away was that most of the women (and men) are open to interracial dating. A lot of them are currently in interracial relationships, others preferred to stick to their own race, and some just interracial date for all the wrong reasons.
I was stunned when some of the responses stated that African-American (AA) men did not treat them right, and that they come with, “emotional issues,” “trauma,” “instability,” and that white men treated them better, and don’t come with this issues.
Finding success on the other side is one thing. Downing your own race [because] you found success within another race of people is another. This is the rough underbelly of the interracial dating and relationship beast that I always find detestable.
When a person (man or woman) tells me that they date white because of the experience with their own race was less successful, that tells me that you chose someone based on their race (white), not because you simply fell in love with them. I’m a firm believer that love doesn’t have a color, and that people should choose based on compatibility, and symmetry—not color.
When you switch-up-the-program because you believe another race of men (or women) is better, or less dramatic, you are selling out your own race. No race of people is better than the other. Some [people] are just more compatible with you than others. Drama, cheating, lying, and abuse are colorblind—they come in all shades and complexions.
How would you feel?
If someone chose you because they believed your color was more successful, or less dramatic? Even worse, they chose you because they wanted, “pretty babies,” or a man with with a big, “stick,” because white men are small. Even better, “white women are more laid back and know how to treat a man.” I’ve even heard that, “White men are more sophisticated and refined than black men.” I personally would want no part of a woman that chose me based on a stereotype or stigma.
“I’m done with black men.”
This is coming from a black woman that does not date black men any longer, and now exclusively dates white men.
I asked her, what made you change to dating white men exclusively? She said that she didn’t switch-it-up because she thought they (white men) were better. Based on the information she provided me… I completely disagreed…she choose them because she thought they were better than the black men she previously chose.
“One: I think they are more fun. Two: I find the ones I like attractive. Three: they are less inhibited. Four: they do seem to treat ‘me’ better and find me more attractive.”
We debated for an hour about the, “less inhibited and treat me better” portion alone.
This seems like a problem with her choices in men, and being accountable for those choices” Instead, blaming an entire race of men for your relationship woes.
But I digress…
Ladies and gentlemen
Love is colorblind, unfortunately people are not.
Never use color, stigma, stereotypes, or your bad experiences with your own race to justify why you chose interracial dating.