Each Day

It gets easier to not see you

To not think of you

To wish away the smell of you

To not want to taste the sweetness of your lips

To not cry when I look at old photos of you

 

Each day it gets easier

To not want the love back

To escape the memories made

To not hold on to a love that has slipped away

 

Each day it gets easier

To remember that it is better to have almost tasted forever

than never have gotten close

 

Each day

Each day I sigh

Just one more day

One more hour

One more minute

and I will

be free

 

-Tikeetha Thomas ©

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page @mskeeinmd.

 

Advertisements

Dating And The Plight Of The Black Woman – Part I

dating-plight-black woman-love

When dating, the plight of the black woman is like no other. This isn’t intended to diminish the challenges and obstacles of any other race of woman. This is also not written to attack the opposite sex.  It’s written to bring awareness, understanding and empathy for a culture of women that has to overcome not only the unfavorable stigma attached to their pigment and the texture of their hair, but also, the negative character portrayal and barrage of stereotypical images of black women in the dating world.

Stereotypes of the Black Woman

To name a few:

  • The black woman doesn’t care about her body.
  • She doesn’t like her own hair.
  • They do not listen to their man.
  • The black woman is not marriage material
  • Black women have bad attitudes
  • Black women have negative attitudes
  • They don’t get along with other women
  • Black women hate white women
  • The women are gold diggers
  • She is always angry
  • Black women are ghetto and ratchet
  • She talks too much
  • Black women are bitter and heart-broken
  • They are lazy baby-makers
  • Black women can’t keep a man

Of course, none of these insidious and damaging characterizations of black women are true.  However, it is important for you to realize how these stereotypes (or any stereotype) impact the dating landscape and the overall psyche of a black woman.

Origins

Black Woman-Dating-Thinking-Plight

Based on a study conducted in the winter of 1999 by Laura Green of Virginia Commonwealth University. Sambo, Jim Crow, The Savage, The Mammy, Aunt Jemima, Sapphire and Jezebel are major causalities that result in stereotypes centered around black people and black women.  In addition, the stereotypes of black women go as far back as slavery days and have stalked black people like a specter and/or evolved into modern-day thought.

Negative Polls About Black Women

Black women are beauty personified. However, black women have been degraded since slavery. Even so, by their own men.  In video poll conducted by Buzz Feed researchers, called, “Do You Have A Racial Preference…” 2.4 million heterosexual interactions from the app, “Are You Interested.,” were used to determine preference. Users were classified by their gender and race.

The study revealed:

  • Black women are the least desirable among all women.
  • Black men responded mostly to women of other races, even though black women were 3 times more likely to respond.
  • Black women are the least replied-to group.
  • Black women are also the most likely to respond when compared against other races of women.
  • Black women respond 25% more than other women.
  • A similar survey by OkCupid revealed that black women were the least replied-to group.
  • 1 out of 2.9 men respond to black women

 

More on that OkCupid survey

Back in 2009, the basics of race and attraction looked like this:

men
—non-black men applied a penalty to black women
—while black men showed little racial preference either way

women
—all women preferred men of their own race
—but they otherwise penalized both Asian and black men

Here’s how the exact person-to-person statistics look: Focus on the Black men rating and then look at the Black women rating.
I gather a few things from these numbers.

  • Black men are willing to seek love outside their own race willingly.
  • Black women are not as willing to do so.
  • Black men rate black women least desirable at -3%
  • Black women rate black men, “most” desirable at 16%
Dating-statistics-Black women
Photo Credit: OK Cupid

 

Some things never change…

  • Black men are still willing to seek love outside their own race willingly.
  • Black women are less likely to do so than they were in 2009
  • Black men rate black women least desirable at 1%. Which is a slight jump from 2009
  • Black women rate black men, “most” desirable at 23%. Which is a 7% jump from 2009.
  • Black women are the only race to rate black men, “positively.”
Black Women-dating-statistics-black men
Photo Credit: OkCupid

Continue reading “Dating And The Plight Of The Black Woman – Part I”

Podcast 06: Knowing When It’s Time To Let Go

knowing-time-let-go

I want to share my 6th podcast with you all (I’ve been on podcast hiatus for a few weeks contemplating the universe and it’s creation)… I believe that oftentimes we want a thing so badly, we’re willing to go through hell to get it. The fact that we waited so long, fought so hard, that we don’t want to let it go when we finally have it.  I’ve been that guy.

Have you ever been in relationship or dated someone for a time, only to find out you should have let them go long before you did? The signs were there, but you held on? Or maybe you had separation anxiety and you were too fearful of being single again.

In today’s podcast, I will talk about the obvious (and not-so-obvious) signs of separation anxiety. Also, when you should stay, when you should go, and coping with hanging on to a relationship past it’s expiration date.

Please click on the stream below to listen:
Don’t forget to click the follow button on the homepage of the podcast and don’t forget to share! If you’d like to follow my blog you can do so here

https://www.spreaker.com/user/10276049/podcast-06-knowing

If you would like to direct download this podcast, please click play below.

The Curious Case Of The Often Ignored Red Flag

ignored-red flags

That notorious red flag. We’ve all seen them. We’ve all ignored them, and later acted like we didn’t see a thing.

You know the role, we’ve all played it well. When we act like the person we’re dating, changed into a different person overnight—when they were the same person we discovered them to be a week into the dating process. They never changed, they were always the same. Those blinders are semi-permeable. We see what we want to see at times, to, “enjoy the ride,” or, “maybe it’s nothing.” When in fact that red flag is, everything.

Dating Is Already Difficult

While dating can be fun, the process of vetting can be exhausting. There are countless dating blogs about the misadventures of each dater, where they chronicle each experience they’ve had. So, the challenges are well documented.

So how do we still fall for the, “banana in the tailpipe?”

“The mind is the most skilled Photoshopper. It can rationalize anything and paint any picture of anyone, depending on our initial perspective. There is a psychological phenomenon known as the ‘confirmation bias,’ where we are inclined to discard all evidence that does not align with our views and only keep those that do. And with a potentially toxic person, they have worked to create a false positive impression to worm their way into your heart. So even if they do something bad or say something that’s off, you may think, ‘He’s only this way because he went through X.’ This is when ticking boxes of ‘Is he rude to the waiter?’ ‘Is he nice to his family members?’ doesn’t work. He could be all that — the sleekest toxic people are. But underlying it, if he says things like, ‘So they’ll treat us better the next time,’ or he has a mean mouth towards some people, and if you find yourself justifying his transactional mindset or meanness, then it’s time to pause and step back. Our brains work overtime to convince us of someone who’s not good for us, even when our guts know it.”

-Perpetua Neo

A Few Red Flags

Their communication is spotty…

…and inconsistent. Nothing is worse than rarely being able to reach someone. I’m not just talking about a phone call either. I”m talking about all forms of communication. Direct messenger, text message, email, smoke signal, and carrier pigeon are all unsuccessful.

This is why communication is so important. This person doesn’t necessarily have to be doing anything disrespectful or unsavory. They truly could be busy, or bad with prioritization—which is another issue (or red flag).

They love to challenge you

This is one of my pet peeves. Every-single-thing you say, or do… they have to interject, show they’re better, offer some opinion to the contrary, or confront you . This reeks of

insecurity, or an inferiority and/or superiority complex. Don’t be surprised that when you find an inferiority complex within, that there’s a superiority complex hidden beneath it. One compensates for the other.

This person cannot bear the idea of their inferiority, so they overcompensate in other areas that will test you. They feel as though they are superior (in compensation mode) when

they are actually not. An example would be… a man with a small penis would feel inferior to a well-endowed man. So he will overcompensate with an over-exuberance of oral sex. Another example would be someone who truly feels they are inferior to another race of men/women, and uses every opportunity to tear them down, so they can feel superior. This may occur when you give a compliment to someone in the race they feel superior to. These comments may come off as jokes, or back-handed, passive comments.

They want to test your boundaries constantly

This person wants to see how far they can get you.

  • You tell them you’re not ready for sex, and they still try to seduce you, or engage in sexual conversation.
  • You’re not ready for them to meet your family, or children and they make you feel bad about it with a “guilt-trip.”
  • From the beginning you told them certain days you are unavailable, and they still try to plan outings or meet-ups on those days.
  • You may not like talking about how much money you make, so they ask you, “what do you do you?”
  • They may not like your style of dress, or the way you wear your hair. Or, even the way your house is decorated. So they “low-key” offer suggestions.

Your intuition, foresight and “Spidey-Sense” kick-in

Then, your gut tells you…

  • “Nah… something ain’t right…”
  • Then you say to yourself…”he/she is cool, but I just don’t know about them…”
  • You feel this tingling in your head that says, “THIS AIN’T THE ONE!”
  • She complains a lot, but maybe she’s going through something.
  • I’m always pulling my wallet out when we spend time.
  • Why are all her photos from the neck-up?
  • They talk about themselves all the time
  • He/she is always talking about his/her ex.
  • They are a total narcissist. Always pointing the finger, always projecting.

So what do you do?

You date them anyway. When they mess up, or manage to arch your eyebrow, you justify their actions. You overlook the red flags that are presented to you on a silver platter. Later on down the road, maybe a few months or so, things go Topsy-turvy, and you’re now in reflection/hindsight mode.

My point… signs are always there. Although they are difficult to read at times, they are always there. Some people can detect red flags immediately because they literally look for them. Others do not look for them and get, “caught slipping.” Of course there are those that fall in the middle. They see the red flags, question them, and when the line is dropped in the water—they bite. Typically this is because they want it to work out so badly, you love them… or, you’ve had sex with this person, and their judgement is clouded. Even worse, they know there’s something wrong, and stay regardless out of desperation, or low self-esteem.

Choices Choices

We always have a choice. We can act on the red flag(s), or, we can can ignore them. If you choose to ignore them, be ready to reap the whirlwind. Remember, not all red flags are truly red flags. It’s best to communicate your concerns. If the person becomes defensive, that could be another red flag. Regardless, you need to voice your concerns. Never hesitate. If you do, it’s to your own detriment.

You may find out that the red flag truly was a false alarm. If you never bring it up, you will never know until it’s further down the line. Even worse, you may never find out, or you may find out when you’re in a relationship, or married to this person. Obviously this isn’t ideal.

Keep your eyes open, and happy discerning!

If you’re interested in reading more blogs like this one, please follow me here.
Don’t forget to share this post, and comment below.

Thanks (in advance) for the support!

Women Should Most Definitely Protect Men

women-protect-men
Recently, I asked a group of over 23,000 members (mostly women)… “Do you think you should protect your man/husband?” The major of responses were, “no..”  Or some round-about way of saying no such as, “That’s a man job.” I’ve asked this same question in other forums, and the answers were typically the same.
I’ve come to the conclusion that many women in the U.S. are socialized to believe that a man should protect her with no reciprocity. They are raised by their parents this way. Taught that a man should protect them, but not the other way around. Disney reinforced this idea with their films. From childhood, women have received over 20 plus years of subliminal messaging, telling them that men should to protect them. Whether it be a damsel in distress, knight in shining armor, rich man saves poor woman, Richard Gere saves Julia Roberts. The constant themes, and images of a man protecting a woman are abundant.

Various Form of Protection

  • Emotional
  • Mental
  • Spiritual
  • Physical
  • Financial

When we hear the word, “protection” or “protect” we automatically default to physical protection. Hence why so many women believe it’s only a man’s job to do the protecting.

Imagery

Every day, I look at imagery. For my blog, my personal photography work, and just for leisure. When I look at images of, “love, relationships and dating…” I typically see the man with his arms around the woman. I usually do not see the woman with her arms around the man.

white-man-hugging-white-woman-protectblack-and-white-protect-white-man-white-womanblack-man-hugging-black-woman

 

Now, before you get all up in your feelings about that last statement, understand, I do not have a problem with these images and what they portray. In fact I love them. I also understand (for photography purposes) that men are typically on average, so they stand behind the woman with their arms around her.
On the other hand, these images show a man protecting a woman, which in turn would make any girl believe that is the way it should be. A woman consistently in the position of, “the protected.” I am here to tell you, a woman should protect her man/husband as well.

So How Do You Protect Him?

His reputation

We all have a reputation to uphold. Whenever someone tries to “come for him” or taint his name, a woman should help protect that reputation. Women can see things we can’t see… this also why your protection is essential.

Guard his feelings

This is a big one. From childhood, expression of feelings is something most men are just not taught. We were taught to be aggressive, told we shouldn’t cry, show no pain, or fear, and destroy your opponent. So, the one place we should feel comfortable expressing ourselves is with our woman/wife. I’ve been in many social settings (and groups) and when a man begins to express himself, he’s talked-over, talked-for, or simply told he’s complaining. I’ve seen women make jokes about men when they express themselves. Utter emasculation in public. If a man feels as though a woman doesn’t value his feelings, he will shut down and become emotionally unavailable.

Guard his heart…

…from the demons that would do him harm. I’m a firm believer in spirituality, negative forces, and negative energy. When I tell you, that the minute I’m on track, focused, and headed in the right direction, here comes a dozen different distractions, obstacles, and people to divert my attention.  My eyes and mind are always open, and aware of the negative people, and things that effect me in an adverse way.

  • A woman can see another woman who intends to hurt her man, and stop said woman dead in her tracks.
  • A woman could see something her man is doing where he could hurt himself, or his career (that’s protection).
  • Holding your man accountable for his actions is protection.

Protect him with your love

Surround him with it. Men don’t feel love from many places (especially black men)… we feel more hatred, fear and disdain than anything when we’re out in the world. The love we feel comes from family, and most of all our woman/wife. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I came home and felt lower than dirt from getting beat up all day (emotionally) and my woman would put her arms around me and protect me from the demons that were invading my mind telling me I couldn’t do it (give up). The love of my woman was like an extra barrier against those that would do me harm, or hurt me. Her love and support kept me focused and got me back on task when I felt inadequate.

Pray For Him

In an article about “4 Ways To Protect Your Husband… ”  Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says:

Another great way to protect your husband is through prayer. There is no greater protector than God. Pray for your husband and with your husband. His life, his choices and his spirit all need to be lifted up constantly. You can pray that in his role as husband he always feels loved and supported. Also ask God to provide you with all you need to protect your husband as well.

As you can see, you should protect your man. Stop letting society, the way your parents taught you, or girlfriends told you, dictate what’s right, and what’s needed in your relationship.

Don’t forget to comment below and share this blog!
If you haven’t already, you can follow my blog here
Follow my podcast here

He’s Not Your Man – Part 1

The other night I had dinner with my best friend. I’ve mentioned before that I have two best friends (a man and a woman) that I have known 30 years this year. We are ecstatic because honestly how many people keep in touch with people from 30 years ago? We remain constant and our communication is consistent.

My male best friend works nights so we don’t spend as much time because he just got full custody of his two children in January (I’ll write about that soon) and he’s busy ripping and running with his children. My female best friend and I get together a couple of times a month. With or without our children, we find time to get together and have girl time.

That being said, my male best friend decided to come over and hang out. We ended up going out to grab a quick bite to eat at Friday’s. I was catching up with him and we laughed and joked and had a real good time. Before dinner was served he looked up and said that he sees someone he knows, excused himself and went to greet his friend.

After dinner, a woman approached our table and began talking to him. I was paying no attention as I had looked at my phone. I heard him say “Listen, I’m not doing this here. I’m having dinner with my friend and you can either have a seat or leave.” He then said “T, this is C” and I waved at her and said “Hello.” She looked at me and said nothing.

Okay, I realized that this may have been one of his women and girlfriend was mad that we were spending less than two hours catching up. I continued to look at my phone and he repeated what he said. She left. I put my phone away and asked “What was that about?” He responded that it was one of the women that he is dating and she was mad because we were hanging out. He said that the woman that he spoke to earlier is her sister and her sister must have called her and said that he’s up here with another woman and she rushed up to check it out.

What? I was floored. Really girlfriend? I couldn’t believe that in this day in age with a woman in her 40’s that she would just show up and show out over a random.

A random is a man that you are dating and you have no actual relationship with. You may claim him, but he doesn’t claim you. He sleeps with you and he may or may not sleep with other women. 

In my friend’s case I asked him what was up. Was he sleeping with her? He said “Yeah, she’s cool but she has a lot of trust issues.” I asked “Does she know about me?” He responded “Yeah, I’ve told her about you and have had conversations with you in front of her so she knows that nothing is going on.”

Uh huh.

I began to ponder why women are threatened by other women and the process by which we assume that we are the only woman because we are sexing a man the majority of the time. I wanted to talk to this woman because I wanted her to know that there was no need to be threatened by me, but furthermore to let her know that she played herself. She played herself in front of me and in front of him.

Dating is a game. You need to learn not to play yourself. Now, I don’t think they are on the same page, I think she wants him to court her and he’s dating her. Jay talked about it in his post:  Courtship vs. Dating: The Breakdown

I gave him my two cents. I’m his best friend. Want to know what I told him? I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow.

158344

-To Be Continued-

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

The Power of Constructive Conflict

Continuing from yesterday’s post entitled Cursing and Conflict

 

Mr. C is probably the best person for having healthy conflict. He believes in fair fighting. In case you didn’t know, Mr. C is a Beta male. I’m an Alpha female. We get along well. I’ll discuss the Beta Male comparison in another post, but the point is that Mr. C doesn’t believe in a whole lot of arguing, fussing, fighting or cursing. He isn’t disrespectful or cursing me out my name when we are in disagreement. He believes that two adults should be able to have a conversation and work through their issues. Sounds simple right?

In reality, it is simple with him. I spend a lot of time researching ways to effectively communicate with my love. I do this by investing in quality conversations. We discuss our feelings and we do relationship check-ins. Remember my fear of telling him that I didn’t want to marry or the fact that I didn’t want to buy a house or adopt children? It was an enormous amount of adjustments that he had to accept, but I had to make sure that we could communicate through it all without harboring negative feelings.

I’m a business woman and I think in terms of black and white. There are no shades of gray. Gray is indefinite and I need definite answers for everything. Yes, I know that I can’t always get what I want that way, but you can give me a time frame. Things need to be time bound and relevant to work with me.

That’s when I learned about constructive conflict and started using it in our relationship.

Constructive conflict refers to conflict in which the benefits exceed the costs; it generates productive, mutually beneficial, shared decisions. In constructive conflicts, the process becomes as important as the end result. Individuals come together to redefine or strengthen their relationship for the greater good of the parties involved. – Differences Between Destructive & Constructive Conflict by Colette L. Meehan

I was dealing with our communication and conflict from the only logical way that I could think of…the business sense. In constructive conflict we both see the benefits of communicating our needs effectively no matter the cost. We understand that no matter what we say that we will be able to work through it. We don’t argue, yell or curse each other out. There is no disrespect. Only a strengthening of our desire to make sure that we are tackling our issues together because together is the only outcome we want.

So, we focus on the process. It was weird at first because I never knew that you could have healthy conflict in relationships. Hell, I grew up in a loud and disrespectful environment and I was embarking on something I never had…peace. Peace of mind to know that the person you love isn’t your enemy and they can disagree with you without cursing you out or calling you out your name.

That’s it. He’s not my enemy. He’s my love. He’s my best friend. He’s the person that I trust with all the pain that I’ve endured to not belittle or discourage me. He’s my supporter. Knowing and accepting that allows me to understand how conflict can work and apply it in our relationship.

I’m not perfect. Neither of us is perfect, but we we are committed to focusing on our relationship and keeping it strong and healthy. We know that it is a process and we’ll keep working on it. Why? Because we’re worth it.

4414beea8e83921034e02f752027893e

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Cursing and Conflict

One of the things that I’m trying in my relationship with Mr. C is to make sure that we have constructive conflict. Conflict happens as part of any relationship. It’s normal. It’s natural. But, many people (myself included) either avoid conflict or we aren’t taught how conflict is supposed to work.

My marriage was an example of this. We didn’t have healthy conflict. We saw many therapists and one relationship therapist turned us on to Gottman’s method for couples :

srh_orig

The goals of the Gottman method are “to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy in conflicting situations, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.”

It sounds awesome in theory, but it was hard to do.  We didn’t get too far. It wasn’t our therapist fault. I got put on bed rest and couldn’t continue in the therapy sessions. My pregnancy was high risk so I didn’t want to discuss stressful things that could endanger my baby. So, I chose to stop it. The baby’s life was more important to me than working on my marriage.

I stifled the pain and frustrations of my marriage and focused on my baby. I was determined to carry my pregnancy to term so we in essence avoided the conflict. It wasn’t healthy. It was unsettling. We didn’t fight fair. Our foundation wasn’t built on solid ground and it began to crack after Munch was born.

We couldn’t communicate to save our lives. Neither of us had learned how to effectively communicate in relationships and that has moved into a major reason why we don’t communicate well now. Good communication is essential to anything you want to do in a relationship and let’s be real…co-parenting is a relationship.

I realized that I couldn’t do it alone with co-parenting, but I had to shift how I let things affect me. However, in my relationship with Mr. C this shift in poor communication was not something that I was willing to sacrifice. I was okay being alone. Learning how to communicate mainly through texts and emails was something I’ve gotten used to in co-parenting, but I needed a man that would talk to me, lead me and love me through our issues. Especially those that involved communication.

I am learning to be more open with Mr. C. To express my discontent on issues or frustrations in a way that he will hear me, but not make me feel as though I’m blowing things out of a proportion. I needed to make sure that we are practicing healthy communication behaviors. So, I did what I do best and began to research effective ways to communicate and how to have healthy conflict resolution.

I focused on my communication skills and wanted to research “fair fighting” and healthy conflict. I needed to know how to communicate my dissatisfaction in a relationship without it escalating into World War III. I wanted to be able to increase intimacy, respect and affection like in the Gottman method without either of us cussing each other out and I wanted to make sure that we understood our end goal was always to be heard and respected.

-To Be Continued-

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.0

Too Scared to Jump

In yesterday’s post entitled I Don’t Want That, I told you that I didn’t think I ever wanted to get married again and I knew that I loved Mr. C.  I was confused because I knew what I thought we wanted, but I was hesitating. I thought that we wanted forever. But, was that reality? Could I still have that and not be willing to compromise my belief about being a wife again? I was unsure and I still had some more declarations to make.

I told him that I didn’t want to adopt any children. I stayed firm that the little six year old girl he wanted us to adopt wasn’t going to happen. At least not with me. I didn’t want anymore children. The custody battle has taken a toll on me and I didn’t want to bear or raise any more children other than the ones we bring into a relationship.

I reminded him that we agreed to raise our boys and adoption wasn’t mentioned. I explained that I respected that his opinion may have changed and if he wanted to break-up then I would understand. He laughed and said “That was before you decided you didn’t want to marry me. I’m not bringing a child into an unmarried home. It’s okay.” I sighed. “Thank God.” He said “It’s like you’re always trying to break up with me.”

“No.” I firmly stated. I would never want this love to end. It provides some of the best nourishment for my soul. It does. I’ve met the man that my soul longs for.

But, this man never seems to surprise me. A couple of nights later we were talking about a house deal that he was considering and then he asked me “Are you going to buy a house with me?” I stuttered “Umm, yeah”. I got off the phone and called my best friend. I was freaking out now.

She laughed at me and told me to tell him how I feel. Share with him my thoughts and insecurities. I did. I called him back and said “Yes, someday, but there were still some relationship milestones that I wanted to achieve before we lived together – the main one Munch.”

I needed him to develop his relationship with my son first and foremost. I needed him and Munch to truly know each other before we lived together as I was a package deal. This child of mine mattered more to me than anything in the world and although he really liked Mr. C, he didn’t know him. I accept my role in that.

I actually slow walked that greeting and even alone time. I just announced a couple of months ago that they could hang out without me. Yes, it’s true. We’ve been dating for over two years and I was just now ready for them to spend some time alone without me.

I needed to be sure. Sure that he understood how much I loved him, but sure that he understood that my priority to my son was of utmost importance. He understood.

The thing is though, I think that his feelings were hurt. We had dinner last week and I was sitting there smiling and holding his hands and telling him how much I missed him. He responded “Yeah, cause you told me that you didn’t want to marry me or buy a house with me.”

I knew then that I had hurt his feelings. I told him how I felt and we’ve since worked it out. He understands now. I never wanted to hurt his feelings, but I knew that I still had some work to do on me.

I am working on me. I’m working on us. Good, bad or indifferent this is where I find myself. Standing on the mountain top with the man I love – afraid to take the jump.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

I Don’t Want That

Last week, in my post Marriage Isn’t For Everyone I told you that I’m freaking out because I’m not sure that I want to get married again. EVER. Not that I’m unsure about Mr. C.

He’s actually the only thing that I’m positive about when it comes to imagining my future. He’s the known. It’s the unknown that scares me.

In that, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety around our future. Last week we had a conversation and I shared with him how I was unsure of whether or not I wanted marriage again and asked could he be okay with that. I explained that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I didn’t know if I was the marrying type.

I told him that we’d essentially been there and done that and I asked would he be willing to be with me and live with me at some point with no prospect of marriage. He paused. He always pauses when asked deep and introspective questions, but this pause seemed to drag on for eternity.

He asked “What will we tell Munch?” I responded “The truth. That families come in all different forms and that we are a family and the love we have for each other supersedes. I’ll tell him that we love each other and maybe we’ll get married some day, but at this point, I don’t want too. I want to live and build a home and a family with you.” He asked could he get 24 hours to think about it. I agreed.

We resumed our conversation and he said that he could accept that I may never want to marry one day. He wanted to know would it be one-sided. Basically, if I woke up one day and said “Hey, let’s get married now and he didn’t want too would I be okay with that.” I paused. I hadn’t thought about that. I assumed that he would be okay with a “Hey, let’s get married now announcement.” But was it really fair? No. So, I told him “Yeah, I have no choice. It’s both of us. It’s about our family and our legacy.” He said he was fine with it.

I didn’t know if I believed him or not. I gave him a lot of information to process. I prayed that he understood that I loved him, wanted to be with him, raise my son with him and grow old. However, the male ego is precious and I didn’t know if my declaration about not wanting marriage would roar it’s ugly head in another way. Was I really being fair to him if we wanted two different things?

– To Be Continued –

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.