Co-Parenting: Violence

I’ve heard so many sad stories on this journey to co-parenting with my ex. People who’ve suffered abuse and have to deal with mental health issues. I’m not judging. I’m just saying that my transition is not like everyone else’s.

I saw this video last week on Facebook and my heart broke. This woman is smashing up her ex’s car. The children were in the back seat:

Now, what is scary as heck about this situation and what has garnered a discussion on co-parenting is whether or not this woman’s behavior was acceptable. I said “Hell, no. She’s dead wrong. The children were in the car. She could have hurt them babies.” But, another woman said “You don’t know what she’s been through.” Umm, whatever.

Then another woman talked about violence in her relationship and how she literally flipped on her abuser who was her child’s father and did the same thing. Was she right? Nope. But, we don’t know the full story. I paused.

I’m not advocating violence on any level. With anyone. Especially with your children around. But, no man or woman is worth me losing my job over because I am mad at them or the situation I find myself in. I get it.

I grew up in a violent home. My dad was abusive. There was blood and the sounds of fists hitting flesh. I don’t wish this on anyone. Those images have stayed with me for years. I can’t ever forget and neither will these children.

It is important that we understand the cycle of abuse. If you are in an abusive situation, please get out. Immediately. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Get help!

If you have children with your abuser, please get them out of that situation. Report all acts of violence immediately to your local law enforcement. You have to be an advocate for yourself.

Don’t lose your children because you are in jail. Don’t allow your partner or ex-partner put you in a situation where you can’t defend your children. If you won’t protect them, then who will?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

My IVF Journey: Blackout

I was in a perpetual hell. Pain. The pain was indescribable. No one knew how bad I was suffering. The excuses.

I made so many excuses for not being present. I became engrossed in work. Always working late or focusing on other things. Hiding the mask of pain for those who knew me best. Those who knew my struggle.

I had other things to focus on. My cousin was dying. He was 9 months older than me. He was my best friend. My life’s purpose became about making sure he was okay.

We talked often. I told him of my fear that I was broken. I told him how I feared that I couldn’t give my husband a baby. That I was scared. That maybe God was punishing me.

He listened. He loved. He encouraged. He never judged.

Even after his radiation treatments or chemo treatments he encouraged me to talk to my husband. To let him know what I was feeling. I couldn’t. I changed the subject.

I made my cousin promise that he wouldn’t leave me. That he wouldn’t die and leave me alone because I had no one. My heart was breaking and I told him that I couldn’t have another organ breaking since my womb was broken. He laughed.

He was tired. He was exhausted. A planned trip to spend some time with him in April was just what I needed. I needed to get home to see my family. To hear the sounds and laughter of those that loved me.

I felt so alone in my house that it was hard to come home. I would smile.  I would make polite conversation. I would go into the room and watch television. I tuned out. I turned my back on my marriage and grew smaller in my shell.

We became roommates.

I told my husband that I needed to go home to Tennessee. I needed to be with my cousin. He thought it would be a good idea. He encouraged me to go. Maybe he was hoping it would help me. A change of scenery. A breath of fresh air in this toxic environment that we were creating.

I went home to spend the weekend with my cousin and his new wife. She seemed nice enough. Surface. I couldn’t see beyond the surface of her personality so I just accepted his choices. He was who I needed to encourage me. He was who I was there to see.

My cousin had baked two pies for me. My favorite custard pie called a chess pie. It was so good. Perfect. Even after his cancer treatments he wanted to do something for me. He told his wife “My cousin is coming. I want to do it for her.” I felt special.

A bond that had formed when I was born this man was the big brother I never had. The father figure. The protector. I ate and slept that weekend. Good conversation, food and family. It was as though my life was reset. I saw value in the things that mattered.

I took my cousin and his wife out to dinner. I bought them groceries. He was on a fixed income. He had to maintain his COBRA payments until Medicare kicked in. She didn’t work. She took care of him. Food stamps helped some. But, she longed for coffee.

Coffee.

That was the least I could do. I called my husband and asked him was it okay that I bought them food. They had little and had given me so much. He encouraged my generosity.

I was at peace.

My cousin decided that he wanted to bake me a couple of pies and a caramel cake to take home. I asked “How am I expected to get this home?” “Ship it.” I laughed.

We shipped 4 desserts back to Maryland packed with ice packs. It was expensive, but I needed it. I needed a piece of family. I needed the love that was in that box. The love that a man who was dying gave me every day.

The next day I headed home. Back to my life. Back to the toxic feeling of failure that was engulfing my spirit. I wasn’t getting better.

I was getting better at hiding my pain.

-To be continued-

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

The Thought Catalog

A couple of week’s ago I was ecstatic after receiving a message from one of the coordinators at The Thought Catalog. She said one of their staff writers had ran across one of my posts and thought it would be a good fit for their site. She asked me would I be interested in sharing it. “Uh yeah” I said.

Well, it was posted a couple of days ago and I wanted to share it with you. This is another avenue that will allow me to expand my readership and really get my name out there. I love the idea of sharing my work to big sites that have millions of readers. I am honored.

That being said, please check out my profile here: My Profile and share my post here:  6 Dating Mistakes You Make When You’re A Girl That’s Too Nice

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Make Better Choices Girlfriend

It’s true. We’ve all been there. Dating men who were beneath us in terms of socio-economics, but should we really date a broke man? A man that is not able to provide for us?

I’ve been seeing a lot of questions on social media and in the various groups that I belong to asking whether or not our standards are too high. Maybe, but we are making poor choices when it comes to the men we are choosing to partner ourselves with and I need us to stop, drop and roll.

Do you know what I mean?

Stop

Stop dating and fathering children with men that don’t have. They don’t have a job so you see this as an opportunity to show him that you are down. Down for what sis? Poverty? Paying for all the dates? He’s broke. He shouldn’t be dating you much less dating anyone until he gets his life together. A real man doesn’t use a woman for a come up. Let me repeat that…A real man will never use you, date you and/or sleep with you trying to come up on your coat tails. If the man you are with is doing this then you need to stop dating him. He is not the man for you.

Drop

Drop all the excuses you tell yourself for supporting a broke man with no desire to work. Poverty isn’t in. It never was. If you’ve fathered children with a man that can’t take care of them, pick yourself up and move on Martha. If you’re doing it by yourself then you’re technically by yourself. Children require more than love. What about medical expenses, child care or basic school supplies? Broke men with no ambition and/or desire to provide should be dropped from your social calendar immediately. Run! Pack up your suitcases and leave that dog before you get fleas that you can’t get rid of.

Roll

Roll out on situations with men that are beneath who you are. You should never settle. You should never have expectations so high that even Jesus wouldn’t qualify to date you. You should find a happy medium. When your expectations are right and you are all about loving and living your happy life is when God will send a wonderful man into your life. A man that wants to build with you and not take from you. A man that will offer his everything and not just a broke piece of penis. Roll out of situations that require you to change who you are. You are not required to support people you didn’t birth. Especially grown men that don’t want to help you. Roll out and roll on from the struggle life. Again, poverty isn’t in and it ain’t cute.

Do you find yourself lowering your standards when dating? What about in relationships? Would you date a man or woman with no job? Talk to me.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

I Know Someone

Last week I was talking to Mr. C about an issue he was having with his air conditioner at his house. He was telling me the HVAC man came out and said something about wiring. I asked him “What does that mean?” He said “It means that I need to get an electrician”. “Oh” I said. “I know an electrician. Do you want me to refer him to you?” “No thank you” he said. “Why?” I asked. “Because I don’t want no man that has ever dated my girl in my house or in my face telling me how wonderful you are.”

I died laughing.

When I came up from air, I asked him “Are you serious?” “Yes” he replied. I laughed again and I started to reflect on his response. I decided that I wanted to reach out to my blogger community and find out “Would you refer someone to your significant other if you know that they had a company that could give them a reasonable rate and offered great service?”

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

5 Tips on How to Handle a Break-up Like an Adult

Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had our heart broken at one point or another. It hurts. You cry. You try to rationalize. You go through the steps of grieving. Hell, if you go through a divorce it’s a lot more painful.

But, I digress.

The thing is that your break-up doesn’t have to define you. You may not have the person that you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, but you are still you. You are still breathing and you still matter. It’s time to reset and refocus on you.

How can you do that when you’re in so much pain? By moving forward and not looking back. By not lashing out. By not airing your dirty laundry. By staying in the positive in the midst of the pain.

Here are 5 Tips on How to Handle a Break-up Like an Adult:

  1. Unplug from social media – Mr. C and I always say how social media or rather the inappropriate use of it can cause so much havoc in relationships. Social media can be your best or worst friend so take some time away from it and unplug. If you’ve posted hundreds of photos of you and your significant other all over Instagram or Facebook, don’t start deleting them. You’re now letting everyone know that you’ve broken up. Just unplug. Take some time for you. Don’t start posting inspirational and depressing mess all over Instagram letting us know that you’re broken up. Keep it to your closest circle and stay away from social media.
  2. Don’t post revenge porn – In light of all the Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna mess I will tell you that as a grown adult (over the age of 25) you shouldn’t start posting revenge porn. The nude shots you shared with your significant other should be destroyed and not used to “get back” at your significant other. I don’t care if they cheated on you and stole your money. Keep your business to yourself and stop letting everyone see that you got played. It happens. To all of us. The last thing I want to see is your man’s penis or your woman’s vagina when I click on my Instagram feed. Save it for your safe. Refer back to #1 and just unplug from social media.
  3. Seek professional help – This is for everyone. You know that I believe in therapy right? Get some. Now is the time to use your EAP or get a referral from your health provider to discuss your issues. We all have issues. Let me repeat that for a second…WE ALL HAVE ISSUES. Deal with yours. Deal with it in a healthy way. Try the 3 C’s – cuss, cry and color. Let the professionals help you through this healing process. This is extremely important if you have children with the ex. They will forever be in your life and it’s best that you find a way to deal with them that doesn’t cost you losing your mind.
  4. Don’t lash out – Look if you are out here disregarding all this great advice I’m giving you and pulling a Rob Kardashian, don’t be surprised if people start offering their opinions on how you should handle a situation. If you had followed my #1 rule you wouldn’t be receiving a public admonishment about your childish behavior. But, you didn’t. So, if you do, why are you mad? Don’t put your business out there or people will feel the need to comment. Hell, even if you don’t put your business out there people may offer opinions about your life. But, you’re hurting and you don’t want to hear it. I get it. Don’t lash out by posting things about your ex. I don’t care if it’s true. If you didn’t go to court and make it public record why are you lashing out accusations? Breathe and get off social media now.
  5. Find a healthy outlet – Whether this be the gym, meditation, writing and/or taking a vacation. Just do it. Surround yourself with people who love you and want the best for you. Allow them to love and nurture the space around you so that you’re not wallowing in the pit of despair on your own. Take a vacation with your friends and focus on putting the past behind. You now have to focus on your future, but the stress of this break-up is still fresh and real. It’s okay. It may be that way for a minute, but if you find a healthy outlet for your pain you will get through it quicker. Trust me.

This whole mess that both Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian are in is horrific. They are two grown adults who have a child together and got petty. The stuff on the internet never goes away. Even if it is a lie, you have your children seeing things that you’ve said about your ex. Stop it.

I know that you’re in a load of pain and you want to get back at your ex for some of the slimy stuff they did, but revenge is not yours. Just focus on you and keep it moving. Follow the steps and you will not be in this break-up turmoil forever. Joy comes in the morning.

Perfect-Inspirational-Quotes-62-About-Remodel-Motivational-Quotes-with-Inspirational-Quotes

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Fight or Flight

I told ya’ll that I was going through stress. I’ve been trying to do meditation (still a work in progress), exercise and practicing mindfulness to help combat this. Last week I was really stressed out and venting to my man. I needed to hear his soothing words and comfort.

He did. But, there was an instance that he accused me of using the Lord’s name in vain. I didn’t. But, he felt that my word was too close and it offended him morally. I paused. I had to check myself because I was going to say something that would have had him questioning whether or not he wanted to be my man. Yep, I can be slick. But, I paused.

There is something about pausing.

Pausing allows you to check yourself. Pausing allows you to really get a hold of your words and head before they exit your mouth. I paused before I lost my mind and temper.

I sighed. I said “This conversation is beginning to stress me out, so I’m going to bid you a good night and we’ll talk later.” He said okay and we got off the phone.

I thought – This man has lost his ever loving mind and I can’t believe that we are going through this. This is too much drama and I don’t know if he gets me. How can I be in a relationship with a man that censors me or my thoughts?

I called my best friend because you know that I needed someone to give me a reality check about my situation. She listened to me vent and said she sees both sides of the issue. But, she told me to take a few days and just get through what I’m going to before circling back with him. I told her “Uh huh. Okay. I will.”

She paused.

She said “Kee, look I need you to take a few days and get your head around what you’re going through so that you can process your feelings about what occurred with you two. Don’t let your fear help you take flight on one of the best relationships you’ve ever had.”

Well damn.

She acted like she knew me. Yes, I tend to run when things don’t feel right, but that’s part of my personality. I’ve learned to trust my instincts and when I want to be out, I will be. Plain and simple. No need to sugar coat it. Life’s too short.

But, I paused.

She was right. I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t entitled to feel the way I feel, but I didn’t want to combine the issues and make him pay for something he didn’t do because I was in a bad space. That wasn’t fair too him. He and I needed to talk.

The good news is that I couldn’t wait a few days. I woke up the next morning needing to talk to him. I called him and told him how I felt. I told him that I respect his morals and values, but I felt as though he wasn’t listening to me and further more that he chose that moment to interrupt me as though I stabbed him. I explained that I needed him to tell me how I was supposed to be in a relationship with someone that I couldn’t be myself with? Someone who censored me.

He paused.

Man when I tell you that there is a purpose for the pause, believe it. There is always a purpose. He explained his position, but he told me that he didn’t want me to feel censored in any way. He told me that he wasn’t censoring me and he just felt the need to say something.

I explained that I was going to run, but my best friend called me on my BS. I was scared. Scared that he wasn’t as good of a person as I thought. I know it wasn’t fair, but I needed to talk to him and be reassured that I could trust him with everything. My deepest fears. My biggest dreams. Me.

I wasn’t ready to walk away from the man that made me think that I could do anything, but I couldn’t be with someone who wanted to censor me. I spent so many years in the corner trying to figure out my life that I don’t believe in that anymore. What you see is what you get so I need you to be as transparent with me as I am with you. Open and honest. Free flowing and free thinking. I need that.

Does this mean that we’re okay? Yeah. We’re good. The thing is that relationships are about learning each other and trying to find the common ground. Knowing what affects him matters to me and I’m sure it goes for him. It’s not perfect and this was a major hurdle to climb over, but I’m not too grown to know when I was wrong and vice versa. The joys of relationships.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.