I Wish I Could

One of my posts about parenting. Please check it out.

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I wish I could is the most hopeful phrase I know. It’s filled with possibilities. I like possibilities. They give me hope. Hope is promise. I like promises. I was sitting there watching my so…

Source: I Wish I Could

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Glamma, Granny, Grandma

Amazing and authentic post about parenting as the bonus mom when you become a grandma.

This weekend, specifically at 2:32pm on Friday, I became a grandmother. A 26 year old grandmother to the most perfect and beautiful little babe ever. Folks, do you want to know what a more difficul…

Source: Glamma, Granny, Grandma

3 Truths About Co-Parenting

Okay so this post is really about explaining things to people who think when you are divorced and you have children that you can get along. Let me start by saying that you can… IF both parties are willing. What some people want you to do or can’t accept is that if one parent is rude and disrespectful how you can co-parent in an acrimonious situation?

I read this beautiful story circulating on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and like many of you, I was in awe. Such a beautiful woman and beautiful child. They obviously liked each other.

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I thought…how wonderful. How perfect. How grown-up and mature. Let me recap in case you missed it. This woman was giving praise to her ex’s girlfriend. That is amazing! We should all give praise where praise is due. However, I think what the statement does is generalize. The assumption that it is the woman’s fault “Why do all these moms act so spiteful and jealous towards the other women? NO ONE said it was easy trying to be a mother to a kid you didn’t have.” or “Ladies, grow up and focus on being a good mom. Love more hate less!”

Umm, that’s over generalizing. Many women aren’t spiteful or jealous towards the other woman. That’s a myth perpetuated by a man whose ego is bigger than his d*ck. Many women are just tired of the revolving door of relationships, the BS from their ex or the shenanigans that the new woman is playing.

I’ve known countless situations of friends, family and fellow bloggers who’ve endured enough BS to last two lifetimes from their ex even though they are not together anymore. Co-parenting is hard and it starts with two adults being able to do so. If you both can’t be adult, you can’t co-parent. Simple truth you need to accept.

Many people expect you to put up with BS from the other parent regardless of the fact that ya’ll aren’t together. They then try to spin it as in the best interest of the child.Let me ask you this…if your ex was abusive towards you in any way shape or form should you continue to endure it because it is in the best interest of the child?

captureIf your ex has mental health issues that threaten the welfare of the child should you just endure it? If your ex has a revolving door of women or men around your children should you just ignore that fact? You get the picture right?

I’ve often said that there are three sides to every story….his, hers and the truth and that the truth is somewhere in the middle. You can’t assume that the reason people don’t get along is because the women are being spiteful and jealous. Hell, people don’t like you for any reason and they don’t know you.

What I will say is that in order to have a happy and healthy co-parenting situation like the one above you need at a minimum the following three things:

  1. Two mature adults. It seems easy right? But, let’s be clear. Not everyone is mature enough to co-parent after a relationship ends. Not just women, but men too. In order to do what is in the best interest of the child it takes two people willing to put their own issues aside to do what’s best for their child. Maturity is a process. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean that you’re being mature. Focus on the bigger picture.
  2. Respect. Like Aretha Franklin sang “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” is needed in order for you to have a co-parenting relationship. If there is no respect, how can you have a healthy co-parenting relationship much less get to like or know your ex’s new partner? You can’t. I mean if you can count on your hands how many times you’ve been cussed out by your ex in the last 12 months and you’re not together anymore, how could you get to know the new woman or man? Many people don’t stay around talking to people that disrespect them.
  3. Open Communication. The thing about co-parenting is that sometimes you need to be able to discuss things without blaming and vindictive behavior. It goes back to number 1. When you can’t discuss things without getting into arguments, the question becomes what is the issue? If we can’t talk, we can’t co-parent. We parallel parent and hope for the best. Is it ideal? Nope, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do for your sanity.

Co-parenting is not a one situation fits all item. You can’t expect something from nothing. You can’t expect people to co-parent effectively if you’re missing just the basics I’ve mentioned above. I’ve learned that some of the biggest barriers to co-parenting can be men too. Not just women.

Children grow up. They see and learn things. They pay attention to behaviors and they draw their own conclusions. I wish that every situation and relationship could be as glamorous as above, but many times it can’t. In those situations, I just pray that the parents are being the best parents possible and that the child understands that he/she is loved by both.

Motivational Monday Moment – 10/3/16

It’s the first Monday in October and I wanted to share a Monday Motivational Moment with you. My moment is perspective. I’ve been dealing with this for the last month. When I talked about KE Garland’s post on releasing expectations and in my interactions with my ex-husband.

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Perspective is how I view things. I know this. You most likely know this. But, what I’m learning is that my perspective is leading me to expect things from people. There in lies the issue. I need to realize that I need to change my perspective which will allow me to release my expectations and stop stressing the heck out.

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How many of you can relate to that? We perceive that we know people and that they know us then why are they reacting a particular way?  Why are they attacking us when they know us? Our attitude is that they are good people therefore we expect them to do things in a certain way. Let’s be real…the right way or the ethical way or just do it our way.

But, they don’t. We get mad. We get frustrated and we start to wonder why even bother. I’m guilty of this. More recently with my ex-husband and our lack of communication. I’m frustrated. I’m hurt by his words and I feel like why do I even bother trying? Isn’t it just a waste of time?

What I’m learning is that it is a waste of time. Whose time? Mine.

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I started seeing a therapist last week and I told her what was going on. I told her that I needed help because I can’t go on like this for the next 10 years. I needed some kind of guidance on how to deal with my ex and our co-parenting struggles. I can’t continue down this path.

She listened. I rambled on about my issues. She said you know what the issue is? You need to change your perspective of him. This will allow your expectations of him to change. She explained that by changing my perspective of him will in essence allow me to release my expectations that he will do what I deem is appropriate and fair.

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Ugh! How can I do this? What medicine can assist this? How long will it take? She laughed. It will take some time. It won’t be easy. There is no medicine. But, you can do it. When you do it you will realize that you were the one causing your own headache. I sighed.

However, I know she’s right. Niki over at The Richness of a Simple Life has been helping me with trying to change Munch’s perception to focus on good things and not just the bad things. Making him be a more positive kid. Dang! I didn’t think that I had that problem too.

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I speak of good things. Quite frequently too. It’s just that I need to work on my perception of situations and people. My therapist said that my ex has probably been the same person all these years but I figured that after being together and married and now divorced that he would behave a certain way. Umm, yeah? But, she said that I’m expecting him to do things that I think are in line with our morals, but I need to stop that.

I’m driving my own self crazy. Perceive him as an ex husband. Not a friend. Not a foe. A business relationship. Expect nothing. Share information. No frustration. She said it will become easier when you change your perception of him. It doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person. He is who he is but I perceived him to be something he’s not. There in lies my struggle.

I’m causing my own pain.

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So my loves, if you’re like me and you need to change your perspective about people, I want to encourage you to do so. We can do this together. It won’t be easy. But, remember it is you that is causing your own stress. Let’s try to stop this.

Be the change we want to see.

Freedom Friday – 9/30/16

Hey Folks!

This is the last Friday of the month and it it’s Freedom Friday. So, I am sharing some photos to my phone and sharing a little bit about me with my new followers. Which has increased more than 5% the last week.

Thanks to all those that followmy blog, reblog, interact and share my material. You are the reason for this growth and I say thank you. Whether you are a new follower or an old follower, I truly value each and everyone of you. I’m so thankful.

Some things about me…

  • I’m a Capricorn or at least I was until I discovered that there are actually 13 zodiac signs instead of 12 and 86% of the people were born under the wrong sign. Go figure. Apparently now I’m a Sagittarius. I’m gonna pass on that one. The real schedule looks like this.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11

Pisces: March 11 – April 18

Aries: April 18 – May 13

Taurus: May 13 – June 21

Gemini: June 21 – July 20

Cancer: July 20 – Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10 – Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16 – Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30 – Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23 – Nov. 29

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 – Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17 – Jan 20

  • I usually try and take blogging breaks on the weekends. I do. Sometimes I fail at it, but the weekends I try to reserve for my family and friends. I try to be engaged in the moment so I really don’t read on the weekends. This means Monday through Wednesday I will be catching up on a lot of posts. Don’t be surprised when you get multiple likes in a day. I’m playing catch-up.
  • I love being a mommy. Even when it is stressful and I wonder was I cut out for this, there are moments that being Munch’s mom makes me feel like I’m still winning.
  • I struggle with co-parenting. Yes, it’s true. I struggle to find a balance on what is in the best interest of my son. I do a lot of self-analyzing (probably more than my ex) but I always want to make sure that I’m not doing anything out of spite. I will share with you the good, bad and the ugly. When his dad and I are in alignment it’s good. When we’re not…who knows?
  • If you find me on Facebook and want to send me a Friend Request, please make sure that you send me a message if I don’t know who you are. I get so many friend requests from folks that I have no idea who they are. If we’ve corresponded on our blogs, then make sure you say that. Otherwise, I will think you weird and creepy and I will decline it.
  • I LOVE the fall. This is the best time of the year for me and you will see me attending all kinds of events with Munch. Pumpkin patches and apple picking. We also have a wedding in October and I can’t wait.
  • I take A LOT of selfies. Why? Because I struggle with body self-esteem issues and I think it’s important to take photos of yourself that you love. You should always want to capture yourself in the best possible light. If I were to die tomorrow, trust me when I say that my mom will hopefully pick some great photos for my funeral program. I’m giving her options. LOL!

Here are some recent flicks from my camera:

Munch and My Dad – Labor Day 2016
Me and Munch at our family picnic
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My Munch on Rice Park
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Munch swimming at the hotel pool
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Munch, my niece and I at the fair
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Mr. C had a birthday last week and I took him out to celebrate
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Me looking cute at Mr. C’s birthday dinner
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Me and my sister girl hanging out at dinner this week

Releasing Expectations – Part I

This is a long post, so I’ve decided to split it up into two parts. So much to tell you. So little space. LOL. But, here goes…

I have to tell you how God is always aligning me with things when I’m least expecting it. Like last week when I was catching up on my posts, I read this great post by KE Garland entitled “Saying “F*ck you” versus Releasing Expectations as a Way to Deal with Rejection”. Long title I know, but this post was right on time. I needed to read it when I read it.

Why?

Because I was going through a co-parenting struggle. I was trying to get my ex husband to see the benefit in some things. Mainly…me meeting his new girlfriend and this new tutoring program that I wanted to enroll our son in. Here’s where the article came into play…she was reminding me that I should release expectations and not just say F*ck you baby daddy!

I was expecting my ex husband and I to agree on ALL or 99.99% of the things that have to do with our son. Okay, maybe that was a little delusional, but at least 98% of things. Was I being fair? Nope. He’s entitled to his opinion, I just wish his opinion was mine. LOL.

However, it wasn’t. That was frustrating as heck and I was feeling like “every time we take three steps forward in co-parenting, we take ten steps backwards”. It was a never ending cycle of bad communication. I was at the “F*ck you and I will do what I want point”.

Don’t judge me. You’ve been there too.

We all have.

We all want what we want when we want it. Fact of life. But, that really doesn’t work in marriage and it really doesn’t work in divorce. Add to the fact that you’re trying to co-parent and you are really screwing yourself. I didn’t want the screwing to continue so I tried to have a conversation with my ex husband about some things.

Issue #1 – The New Girlfriend

Please don’t be confused by the title. It’s not an issue. I’m ecstatic that my ex has found love again. That means that we didn’t damage each other beyond repair (which is definitely a good thing). However, he decided that he would like his new girlfriend to pick up our son from the bus stop one day because he had a conflict. I didn’t feel comfortable with this. Why? Because I don’t know her, never met her, don’t have a license plate number, last name or telephone number for her.

Some people would say do you really need this? To which I would reply loudly “Hell Yes!” I have only one son. Munch is the light of our lives and I don’t allow people to drive my child around that his dad doesn’t know without me in the car. It has never happened and it never will. Heck, my own mama wouldn’t allow my son to be picked up by someone (male or female) that she had never met from her house. So, why would I allow a total stranger to me to drive my son around?

Do you know what he responded? She’s not a stranger to Munch. Munch knows her and really likes her. You know it took everything in me to not respond “Munch is 8 and he really likes and knows about butterflies, but you won’t see me allowing a butterfly to drive him around.” But, I said a quick prayer and asked the Lord to bridle my tongue. I explained that I would never allow someone he’s never met to drive our son around.

I wouldn’t. End  of case. I explained to my ex that if he’s at the “letting her drive our son around stage” then she needs to meet me. Introductions are a must. I explained that I would never allow my friend to pick up our son and drive him somewhere without me. Why? Can you imagine for a second a total stranger (to you) picking up your one and only child and then getting into a car accident (no fault of their own) and your precious 8 year old ends up in the hospital and your ex spouse calls to tell you this. What do you think would happen? Let me break it down for you…

All hell would break loose. I would be cussing and fighting her and my ex husband. My family would be doing the same. The police would be called and I would be in handcuffs. The news would report it and I would lose my good job. Why? Because mama don’t play that. Not today and not with my Munch.

We had a LONG conversation about this and he was cool. He said “Okay” and will be setting up a meet and greet in the next couple of weeks. See, that was a win-win for both of us. I get to meet the woman he’s introduced to Munch and she gets to meet the neurotic mother of a charming little 8 year old.

But, guess what he then asked? He asked could he meet Mr. C.

Hold up! What a minute!

What? Why?

Mr. C has only met Munch once. I don’t have him around Munch all the time. I know it’s been almost a year, but I am a protective mama and he’s respecting of that. We’re taking it S-L-O-W! Why my baby daddy got to be meeting Mr. C? I was feeling some kind of way. Is that wrong?