the gf

I really enjoyed this read by a fellow blogger, Staci Beth over at From He Double Hockey Sticks and Back about co-parenting. She really discusses her struggles and I could relate on so many levels. Ideally we would like to think that everyone can have a great relationship with the other parent, but in many cases this doesn’t happen. What do you do when it happens? Check out her great post about her struggles:  Source: the gf

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

I Broke

I’ve always been honest with you about my co-parenting struggles. The relationship with my ex-husband is sometimes unnerving, antagonistic and dysfunctional to say the best. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting.

I received a certified notice at my house in January. It was a certified letter from my ex’s cousin. I opened it up and in it was a Writ of Summons. He was petitioning the court to modify the custody arrangements. I cried.

I couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t even send me an email or try to communicate with me about his wishes before trying to take me to court. Nine months after custody was finalized he was trying to change it. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t object in March of last year.

I called Mr. C. I was a wreck. Between tears and anguish, I poured out my heart. I screamed “You see why I don’t trust him? Why would he betray me like this?” He said “Babe, calm down.”

I couldn’t. I couldn’t be calm. I had to get a handle on my life right now. I struggled to breathe. How could he do this to me? This is ridiculous.

I have physical custody of my son. My ex-husband has a visitation schedule with joint legal. I talked about this in my post last year entitled Closed. He knew that I was filing for sole physical custody. It was in the best interest of Munch. I never hid that from him. I wanted to modify the visitation schedule we were doing with every other week due to his health issues. He agreed.

I told him that I would give him time to let me know what he would like and proposed a Thursday to Monday every other week. I told him that I was open and to please let me know what he wanted to do. He said “Okay. I’m going to trust you. I’m going to trust that you’re not trying to keep my son from me.” I’ve kept up my end of the bargain.

I’ve never kept him from his son. Never. He came back to me a few months after the divorce was final and said he didn’t want to adjust the schedule. He wanted to keep it as is. Trying to appear fair and level headed and not the controlling b*tch that he’s called me, I agreed.

Best of interest of Munch. I allowed him to keep Thanksgiving and Easter. I offered him the opportunity to spend time with his son on Christmas Day too.  Any additional times he wanted to take Munch out of town or just be present in his life. Yep. I have no problem with that either. That’s his dad.

Best interest of Munch.

That is what I kept telling myself. It is in the best interest of Munch. The many arguments, the threats, the name calling. I’ve endured it all. I never harass him about payment for expenses and I don’t ask for child support. We agreed to equally support Munch. It’s not equal. I pay for medical expenses, dental expenses, swim lessons, tutoring, guitar, soccer and any and all equipment needed.

His response was “You never tell me how much stuff costs.” I sighed and responded “You know it’s not free. When I asked you before you said you didn’t know when you could give me the money.” I let it go. I didn’t worry about it.

Munch was my responsibility. I had primary physical custody. I can’t complain about the many expenses outside of the $150 a month he pays towards Munch’s childcare. I would take care of it. I adapt. I adjust my spending. I adjust and keep it moving. Allow my son to learn and love both parents equally.

I don’t say no to the things he needs or the experiences he wants. I figure it out. Alone. I just make sure that my son has the experiences he wants. I didn’t have that when I was growing up. My son would never know what that is like.

I submitted my response to the courts last month. I had 30 days. New information was presented to me. I amended my response and submitted it to the courts. I mailed everything to him. Now, we have to do what I thought we never wanted to do…allow the courts to decide what is best for Munch.

Today is the day that the courts have to be in our business and choose for our son. Am I happy about it? Nope. Am I surprised? Honestly, nope. Did I wish for better? Yeah. But, this is the luck of the draw. I chose this situation when I ended my marriage and this is where I find myself. Accepting responsibilities for my choices and fighting for the best interest of my child.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

I Wish I Could

One of my posts about parenting. Please check it out.

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I wish I could is the most hopeful phrase I know. It’s filled with possibilities. I like possibilities. They give me hope. Hope is promise. I like promises. I was sitting there watching my so…

Source: I Wish I Could

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Glamma, Granny, Grandma

Amazing and authentic post about parenting as the bonus mom when you become a grandma.

This weekend, specifically at 2:32pm on Friday, I became a grandmother. A 26 year old grandmother to the most perfect and beautiful little babe ever. Folks, do you want to know what a more difficul…

Source: Glamma, Granny, Grandma

3 Truths About Co-Parenting

Okay so this post is really about explaining things to people who think when you are divorced and you have children that you can get along. Let me start by saying that you can… IF both parties are willing. What some people want you to do or can’t accept is that if one parent is rude and disrespectful how you can co-parent in an acrimonious situation?

I read this beautiful story circulating on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and like many of you, I was in awe. Such a beautiful woman and beautiful child. They obviously liked each other.

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I thought…how wonderful. How perfect. How grown-up and mature. Let me recap in case you missed it. This woman was giving praise to her ex’s girlfriend. That is amazing! We should all give praise where praise is due. However, I think what the statement does is generalize. The assumption that it is the woman’s fault “Why do all these moms act so spiteful and jealous towards the other women? NO ONE said it was easy trying to be a mother to a kid you didn’t have.” or “Ladies, grow up and focus on being a good mom. Love more hate less!”

Umm, that’s over generalizing. Many women aren’t spiteful or jealous towards the other woman. That’s a myth perpetuated by a man whose ego is bigger than his d*ck. Many women are just tired of the revolving door of relationships, the BS from their ex or the shenanigans that the new woman is playing.

I’ve known countless situations of friends, family and fellow bloggers who’ve endured enough BS to last two lifetimes from their ex even though they are not together anymore. Co-parenting is hard and it starts with two adults being able to do so. If you both can’t be adult, you can’t co-parent. Simple truth you need to accept.

Many people expect you to put up with BS from the other parent regardless of the fact that ya’ll aren’t together. They then try to spin it as in the best interest of the child.Let me ask you this…if your ex was abusive towards you in any way shape or form should you continue to endure it because it is in the best interest of the child?

captureIf your ex has mental health issues that threaten the welfare of the child should you just endure it? If your ex has a revolving door of women or men around your children should you just ignore that fact? You get the picture right?

I’ve often said that there are three sides to every story….his, hers and the truth and that the truth is somewhere in the middle. You can’t assume that the reason people don’t get along is because the women are being spiteful and jealous. Hell, people don’t like you for any reason and they don’t know you.

What I will say is that in order to have a happy and healthy co-parenting situation like the one above you need at a minimum the following three things:

  1. Two mature adults. It seems easy right? But, let’s be clear. Not everyone is mature enough to co-parent after a relationship ends. Not just women, but men too. In order to do what is in the best interest of the child it takes two people willing to put their own issues aside to do what’s best for their child. Maturity is a process. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean that you’re being mature. Focus on the bigger picture.
  2. Respect. Like Aretha Franklin sang “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” is needed in order for you to have a co-parenting relationship. If there is no respect, how can you have a healthy co-parenting relationship much less get to like or know your ex’s new partner? You can’t. I mean if you can count on your hands how many times you’ve been cussed out by your ex in the last 12 months and you’re not together anymore, how could you get to know the new woman or man? Many people don’t stay around talking to people that disrespect them.
  3. Open Communication. The thing about co-parenting is that sometimes you need to be able to discuss things without blaming and vindictive behavior. It goes back to number 1. When you can’t discuss things without getting into arguments, the question becomes what is the issue? If we can’t talk, we can’t co-parent. We parallel parent and hope for the best. Is it ideal? Nope, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do for your sanity.

Co-parenting is not a one situation fits all item. You can’t expect something from nothing. You can’t expect people to co-parent effectively if you’re missing just the basics I’ve mentioned above. I’ve learned that some of the biggest barriers to co-parenting can be men too. Not just women.

Children grow up. They see and learn things. They pay attention to behaviors and they draw their own conclusions. I wish that every situation and relationship could be as glamorous as above, but many times it can’t. In those situations, I just pray that the parents are being the best parents possible and that the child understands that he/she is loved by both.

Motivational Monday Moment – 10/3/16

It’s the first Monday in October and I wanted to share a Monday Motivational Moment with you. My moment is perspective. I’ve been dealing with this for the last month. When I talked about KE Garland’s post on releasing expectations and in my interactions with my ex-husband.

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Perspective is how I view things. I know this. You most likely know this. But, what I’m learning is that my perspective is leading me to expect things from people. There in lies the issue. I need to realize that I need to change my perspective which will allow me to release my expectations and stop stressing the heck out.

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How many of you can relate to that? We perceive that we know people and that they know us then why are they reacting a particular way?  Why are they attacking us when they know us? Our attitude is that they are good people therefore we expect them to do things in a certain way. Let’s be real…the right way or the ethical way or just do it our way.

But, they don’t. We get mad. We get frustrated and we start to wonder why even bother. I’m guilty of this. More recently with my ex-husband and our lack of communication. I’m frustrated. I’m hurt by his words and I feel like why do I even bother trying? Isn’t it just a waste of time?

What I’m learning is that it is a waste of time. Whose time? Mine.

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I started seeing a therapist last week and I told her what was going on. I told her that I needed help because I can’t go on like this for the next 10 years. I needed some kind of guidance on how to deal with my ex and our co-parenting struggles. I can’t continue down this path.

She listened. I rambled on about my issues. She said you know what the issue is? You need to change your perspective of him. This will allow your expectations of him to change. She explained that by changing my perspective of him will in essence allow me to release my expectations that he will do what I deem is appropriate and fair.

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Ugh! How can I do this? What medicine can assist this? How long will it take? She laughed. It will take some time. It won’t be easy. There is no medicine. But, you can do it. When you do it you will realize that you were the one causing your own headache. I sighed.

However, I know she’s right. Niki over at The Richness of a Simple Life has been helping me with trying to change Munch’s perception to focus on good things and not just the bad things. Making him be a more positive kid. Dang! I didn’t think that I had that problem too.

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I speak of good things. Quite frequently too. It’s just that I need to work on my perception of situations and people. My therapist said that my ex has probably been the same person all these years but I figured that after being together and married and now divorced that he would behave a certain way. Umm, yeah? But, she said that I’m expecting him to do things that I think are in line with our morals, but I need to stop that.

I’m driving my own self crazy. Perceive him as an ex husband. Not a friend. Not a foe. A business relationship. Expect nothing. Share information. No frustration. She said it will become easier when you change your perception of him. It doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person. He is who he is but I perceived him to be something he’s not. There in lies my struggle.

I’m causing my own pain.

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So my loves, if you’re like me and you need to change your perspective about people, I want to encourage you to do so. We can do this together. It won’t be easy. But, remember it is you that is causing your own stress. Let’s try to stop this.

Be the change we want to see.