In a recent “girl talk” conversation some of my girlfriends and I have been tossing around the question “Why do men court you up until you have sex with them and then they stop? Stop trying to do things to make you smile. Stop doing the “little gestures” you found sweet. Stop the calling or texting. Stop dating you.
It all boils down to consistency. Men lack the desire to be consistent once they get the cookies.
or consistence [kuh n-sis-tuh n-see]
noun, plural consistencies.
steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.:
Example: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.
So, do you get it ladies? Some men aren’t smart enough to continue the same behavior that they did in order to get you. They are unable to stay the course and keep up the wooing. It takes too much effort. Blame it on a short attention span or the fact that they just weren’t that in to you or Venus in retrograde. Heck, I don’t know, but the truth of the matter is that men are inconsistent. They change their minds. It doesn’t matter when you give up the cookies immediately or make them wait 90 or more days the fact remains the same…men change after getting the cookies.
Now, I’m not a genius (okay, I’m pretty close) when it comes to dating, but I have to ask why would a man not keep the same behavior after getting the cookies? Is it that they believe that they are so desirable that you will just keep wanting them sexually or is it that they are sleeping with multiple women? Probably a little bit of both.
Truth hurts huh?
However, for those women who claim that they want to date and just have sex, bravo. Your body and your choice. But, what happens when you start off wanting that and somehow your feelings change? What do you do then? Do you enter into a friends with benefits situation or break it off and start over?
It depends. I’ve tried both situations at one point in my life and both situations proved to be emotionally draining. Why? Let’s take a look at both situations individually.
Friends with Benefits
For me a friend with benefits is first and foremost a friend. If you are my friend and you were stranded on the side of the road at 3 am would I come and get you? If you are my friend and you needed help to move, could you count on me? If you are my friend and you were hospitalized would I come and visit you?
If you don’t know the answer to those three questions, then here’s a hint…we’re probably not friends. #truth.
Why? Because friendships take time to nurture and develop. We do this by calling each other. Communicating about our daily lives, dreams or issues. We nurture that friendship by checking in, hanging out and just getting to know each other. If we do that, then you most likely know that I’m your friend and would be able to answer the above questions without hesitation.
The benefits piece of friend with benefits refers to the sexual aspect of the relationship. We really enjoy hanging out and talking on a regular basis that sex became a part of our relationship. We have no expectations of a relationship, but to continue nurturing our current one. We enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship in the bedroom and just like our situation.
Until it changes. One of us catches feelings. Happens a lot. I’m going to guess that in over 70% of the cases it happens. It happened to me. I caught feelings. I was falling hard for someone who I thought was my friend. We had great conversations, sex, enjoyed hanging out and there was so much laughter that I “knew” we would be great in a relationship. You get where I’m going with this right?
Nope, it didn’t work out like that. He liked the relationship as it was. He didn’t want a girlfriend or specifically me as his girlfriend. Thus I could either continue in the current situation or walk away. I chose the latter.
Break it Off and Move On
This is probably the best course of action if you want a relationship with someone and they don’t want a relationship with you. This is where I would say to identify your wants and needs up front before engaging in a sexual relationship under the guise that it will develop into something more.
Remember that it rarely does. Don’t fall for the “games” that men may play. Trust me, I’ve heard them all:
- I promise that I will respect you.
- We’re adults. We can do what we want.
- I really like you.
- I want to take our relationship to the next level.
Those are just a few that are used to seduce and then after the seduction occurs you’re left wondering why they’ve changed. Umm, it’s because they’ve gotten what they want. They have no use or desire to keep up the role of an interested suitor. They will give you lines such as:
- I’ve been busy which is why I haven’t called you in 3 weeks and calling you now for a sex session.
- Work is killing me.
- It’s football season and I got a lot going on.
- I haven’t changed. What are you talking about?
- I do call you. I just called you now.
- I do answer or return your messages
Yeah, he’s really not your friend sweetie. You’ve been played. Been there and done that. Made those same mistakes. Inconsistent men yield consistent results when dating. The foolishness will still be the same whether you’re 30 or 50. If you are in this situation and you want more, just break it off and move on. You deserve better.
Ah, the joys of dating!