Parental Privilege: Spanking or Not

I’ve read many posts on whether or not you should spank children. Not just in light of the Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings player), whose case unfolded last week, but in general. My opinion is simple….YOUR CHOICE. I can’t tell a parent how to raise their child or how discipline should be handled in their home. The reason is that I am not in your shoes and I know for a fact that you have to find what works for you and your child. Now, before you start thinking I’m an advocate for child abuse. Let me be clear….I’m not. I don’t condone violence of any kind and especially towards children.

There is a difference and in my opinion, a big difference between child abuse and spanking. Child abuse is defined as:  mistreatment of a child by a parent or guardian, including neglect, beating, and sexual molestation. Spanking is defined as: to strike (a person, usually a child) with the open hand, a slipper,etc., especially on the buttocks, as in punishment. Now that we are all clear on the definitions, I want to reiterate that I don’t condone child abuse or violence in any form. As a parent myself, I think it is imperative that we find forms of discipline that work to mold healthy and productive citizens. However, I hate the argument that because I believe in spanking that I am destroying my child and he will grow up to beat on others. That statement in itself is flawed because I don’t beat my son. I spank him if it is a spankable offense. 

What is a spankable offense? An egregious offense where he knows better or running in traffic. Not much would ever be considered spankable because he’s only six. However, I implore the 3 warning rule in my parenting. This is where I give munch 3 chances to correct the behavior on his own before consequences are handed down. This is not a spankable offense. This means it is timeout in his room with no television, an hour of French work, no Ipad, etc.

As a child growing up, my mom employed the same techniques. Altering the punishment to fit the crime and not spanking out of anger. Did I get whopped with a switch (absolutely! I’m from the south)? Do I do it? No. Do I believe her spanking me has damaged me? No. There were other things that were more harmful than her spanking. But, I never believed that she enjoyed spanking me or my siblings or assumed that her spanking was detrimental to my psychological or emotional health.

I grew up in an era of spank first and talk later. I can’t judge Adrian Peterson on the crime he’s accused of, but I can tell you that it breaks my heart to see the photos of a four year old boy who was whopped with a switch and it left marks. I’m heartbroken. Too much force was used on this child. No four year old child should ever have to endure the feel of a switch. It’s obvious that Adrian is strong, so I question whether or not he could have used his hands instead of a switch. But, he didn’t. So, he has to know that his choice was poor.

Adrian has a right to discipline his son. Society may so no. We want people that spank their children to go to jail. Some punishment should happen, but I ask you about this child (also from Minnesota) that was 9 year’s old that was suspended from school and boarded a flight to Las Vegas, Nevada last year. Apparently, the parents have asked for help with their child and never got it. He had prior trouble because he had stolen a car. A 9 year old stealing a car? Wow!

The parents were told that he was a minor and hadn’t done enough bad things to qualify for the help that they were requesting. The father sobbed as he recounted how he asked the officer to watch him spank his son. The officer said if he saw him hit his son he would be arrested. He sobbed saying that it was a double jeopardy damned if I do damned if I don’t situation. The father said,  “If I whoop my son, I will get locked up. If I keep on letting my son do what he’s doing, I get in trouble.”

I felt the father’s pain and I ask you, what do you do when you know you can’t spank your child and no one is helping you? There are rules to everything in society. How are we taught these rules? What are the consequences of those rules? Even adults make mistakes and don’t learn the rules, but spanking a child to help enforce the rules that you are teaching is acceptable. But, child abuse is not. We may not agree on how to raise our children, but I think we can all agree that we don’t want chaos in our society because no one can follow the rules.

Child Abuse Photos from Peterson case
Child Abuse Photos from Peterson case

Sticks and Stones

By now, many of you have heard about that horrible elevator scene between Solange (Beyonce’s sister) and Jay-Z.  This video which was released by TMZ is disturbing in its entirety because it shows an assault on a man.  Now, I know many of you may be saying, “We don’t know what Jay said to her prior to the elevator attack.” Does it matter?  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt.  Isn’t this what we teach our children? 

Violence is never the answer.  We have to stop thinking that putting your hands on someone else will result in a positive outcome.  What have we learned from the elevator scene?  That the parties involved will be embarrassed by this outcome for their rest of their lives?  That a woman can put her hands on a man and not be charged? That a woman won’t defend her husband? Too many more to add, but the fact of the matter is that as a woman raising a son, I don’t condone violence.  I will never support my son hitting a woman and I will never allow a woman to put her hands on my son without the full law behind me to destroy every fabric of her being.  #breathe #woosaw

and I digress…

I am outraged that as a country we would applaud, laugh or indulge in the fact that Solange had a right to hit Jay-Z.  No one has a right to put their hands on you.  The question I would ask is had he hit her back would we have blamed him?  Does a man have a right to defend himself when attacked?  No.  But, what do you tell your sons when you know that 40% of men are victims of domestic violence from women?  Keep holding her back? Don’t hit back?  Restrain her but you’re stronger? Yes, but when will we teach our young women to stop raising their hands?  When will we teach them that violence begets violence?  

Solange is a mother to a son.  What if a woman had attacked her son, Daniel, liked she attacked Jay-Z?  Would she defend the woman’s rights to put her hands on her son? Would she cry out for charges to be pressed?  Argue that we need reform against men who are victims of domestic violence? Possibly.  

At the least, she needs to acknowledge her negative behavior and publicly apologize to those of us who thought of her as a beautiful role model to young women.  We should expect nothing less because we would expect a man to do the same.  There is no shame in admitting that what you did was wrong.  You have to teach children, that violence never solves anything and I am incredibly remorseful for my actions.

Let’s not let the video be the last word for her character.  She is better than that.

And in case you’ve been living under a rock and hadn’t seen the video, it is posted here: