To Pay or Not to Pay – Part 2

This is a continuation from my post yesterday entitled To Pay or Not to Pay

 

Relationships are a partnership ladies. We can’t be partners if we’re not willing to show up and act like it in the dating stages. It’s true. Men want women they can depend on.

What’s wrong with cooking him a dinner? Some of you may be asking that question right now. Nothing is wrong with cooking him a dinner. However, I have a major rule when dating…unless we are serious, you will not be invited to my home. There, I said it. I don’t want men that are not serious in my home. The home that I share with my son whether he is there or not.

Heck, I’ve dated men upwards of a year and they’ve never been invited over. So, why would you invite him to your home unless you’re serious? Times have changed and we shouldn’t be eager to letting a man spend time in our domiciles that we haven’t committed to.

I asked one of my two best friends (he’s a male) what do men think of women who don’t ever offer to pay for anything while dating? He responded, “We think of her as selfish and don’t continue to date her seriously.” He further said, “Unless, I’m trying to get the cookies from her she is not going to get too many free meals and then after I get them I will be gone.”

He then said, “T, believe it or not hood chicks (women from lower class neighborhoods with a less than stellar vocabulary, quick tempered, has a child(ren) and may be employed) will pay for a meal and cater to her man quicker than ya’ll professional women. Professional women tend to be stingy and don’t want to pay for anything. They think we should wine and dine them for at least 90 days without getting any cookie.

Now, the obvious thought is why on earth is my best friend just dating women to have sex with him, but I started thinking maybe there is some truth in what he was saying about the differences of the type of women.  Are more professional women single because we appear selfish? Are we allowing our true intentions to go unnoticed because we refuse to look at dating as a partnership?

I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. I know that dating is expensive. In this day and age can a man can’t be expected to date you continuously and seriously for a long time without you ever offering to pay for anything? I don’t think we should consistently pay, but we should ask ourselves is paying for an occasional meal the end of the world? Will it be the death of us?

In this economy, is it realistic to assume that a man can pay to date you on a weekly basis? Ya’ll know that I like numbers right? So, let’s do some quick math. In the Washington, DC area (where I live) most places that I expect to eat will average $100 for dinner and drinks. If I go out with a man once a week is it fair for him to pay $400 a month and still be expected to pay his bills? What if he has children? What would you do with an extra $400 a month?

How will you show that man that you’re interested in more than what he can do for you financially? Mr. C pays for the majority of our dates (95%), but I don’t mind paying for things. My willingness to share in this journey we’re taking has proven to him that I like the partnership. He’s a gentleman. It’s been six months of meals, drinks and adventures and nope I’m not giving up my cookies.  We look at it as an investment in getting to know each other.

 

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Dating Chronicles: Last Month’s Misses

So, I really haven’t been checking my on-line dating profiles because the foolishness has gotten me down and I refuse to be depressed leading into the holidays. But, I wanted to share the posts of people that I just couldn’t respond to because it was obvious that we had nothing in common.

Like this one. Two things…using a term of endearment like we’ve met, talked or even know each other bothers the heck out of me. Second, who says that you like my complexion? Really? I was done.

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Oh, and these body posing photos didn’t help either. Why are you flexing? This is a no-flex zone dude. I get it, you’re proud of your body, but you won’t catch me sending any photos of my belly that carried my son.

I would probably feel too much pressure to date someone this physically fit. I couldn’t imagine him watching me eat and saying “You know that isn’t healthy right?” “Heck yea! But I’m practicing mindful eating.” Which translates to you not minding what the heck I eat. I’ll do that sir!

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Or how about this one? Your username is littlelipsXXXX and you actually have little lips? EWWW! I was reminded of little arms and I don’t like little arms or little lips. Sorry, but they really freak me out!

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Yep, I can’t. Why can’t men stay in their lane? Not sure what your lane is? This gentleman that I follow on Facebook talks about staying in your lane. Please watch the short video so you know who is in your lane.

Ah, the joys of dating!

Dating Chronicles: Know Your Opponent

“Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate.”
Sun Tzu, The Art of War

 

Dating is like war. Really it is. You have to know your opponent. But let’s be real, many men are doing the same predictable things and not taking advantage of the vast opportunity to know the women that they are engaging. This happens a lot with on-line dating. My friend said that is because if their “game” works on 7 out of 10 women men are happy with those odds. Thus the reason that we get penis pics. Ugh!

However, I want a man that actually reads my profile and will engage in a discourse that makes me believe that he is intelligent, knows what he wants and is financially secure. I want someone who learns his opponent (me). If not, then our time will be limited as I exit stage left looking for a good bottle of Pinot.

What do you need to know? A lot, but you have to approach dating like a game. A game in which you try to discern your opponents strengths and weakness, their likes and dislikes and genuinely get to know whether or not you two can be a match.

Here are some tips:

  1. Know yourself. Really know yourself. If you are unattractive and would be rated on a scale of 1-10 as a 2 then you should not try to go after a 10. Now, this is serious. I’m not saying that I’m a 10. I would say a 7. Some men have said an 8, but whatever! The point is this…I’m reasonable about my number and what I look like. If you are unattractive and have had less than 20 dates in your entire life and you are 40 then a woman who looks like a 10 is probably out of your league. Stay in your lane sir.
  2. If you are bold enough to write a dating profile and list your salary, please make sure that the salary is something a woman at 40 or older would be interested in. I’m a 40 year old mother of one. If you make $35,000 a year, honestly what are the chances that you can afford to date me? I’m not talking about dates at Morton’s Steakhouse, but heck TGI Friday’s can be expensive if you’re only making $35,000. A couple of drinks and a meal and a tip of at least 18% could run you $70.00. Can you afford that? Nope, then move on. I’m not a Netflix and Chill kinda woman.
  3. If you are doing on-line dating, PLEASE complete a profile. It only takes a couple of sentences, but if you can’t take the time to tell me about yourself, why would I reach out to you and try to get to know you? Something is definitely better than nothing. Do you like dogs, cats or gerbils? Are you employed or not? Ugh! This is so frustrating.

Okay, that’s all I have for today, but trust me that I’m trying to save you. I want you all (me included) to find a great person that you can envision a future with. Someone who gets you, appreciates you and can afford to date you.

“You have to believe in yourself. ”
Sun Tzu

 

Example 1: His salary is definitely a no-no. If you are bold enough to put a number out there then be bold enough to realized that I won’t reply. You may not be able to afford to date me and I don’t have time to find out is that true.

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Example 2: I don’t smoke. Don’t like smokers and would never date someone who smoked daily and wasted that kind of money on cigarettes. Bad habit. Also, he didn’t say anything about himself or the type of person he’s looking for.

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Example 3: I don’t need a pen pal! Really? You live in Arizona which is across the country. He’s looking for cross country tail. I’m not giving so keep your out of state (sexy though) self in Arizona. Oh, he also didn’t tell me anything about himself.

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Ah, the joys of dating!

Dating at 40

“To find a prince, you gotta kiss some toads. ” – Foxy Brown

I know that in this dating age you are bound to run into men who think they are still young and playing the field. One of the things that I’ve learned regardless of age, race or religion some men will never grow up. They think they are young and hot and everyone wants them. Ugh!

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I’m here to tell you that if you are one of those men that think that you’re so hot and you don’t have to work for a good woman. “It’s a big fat lie”. You do have to work.

online-dating-nene-lieYou have to work for the good ones and they should be working for you. It’s mutual. We want to be able to tell our girlfriends that we’ve been fortunate to meet another nice man. He seems sane, well-mannered and has a good job.

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However, the choices are few and we women feel that if we meet a nice guy that “Oh God, I’ve hit the jackpot. He has all his teeth, smells nice, good hygiene, sense of humor, loves God, has a good job.” Woohoo I’ve hit the jackpot! Thank you sweet baby Jesus!
Trust me that we say that so rarely though.
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Due to our limited choices and the pickings being slim we resort to on-line dating in hopes that we will be fortunate enough to meet a nice man. You know one who isn’t too narcissistic, pessimistic or a porn star? The ones that you won’t be ashamed to introduce to your friends or family or even your church members.

We are not that fortunate though. Too many men are self-absorbed and trying to lure us into believing their profile lies. Lies such as you have Master’s Degree and your introductions and sentence structures indicate that you can’t spell worth a dang. They use text talk in their profile and you have a hard time trying to decipher the message like it’s Morse code.

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Really dude we think? You can’t even write a complete sentence so I’m sure that no accredited University would have given you a Master’s Degree. Do you even have a diploma? Probably not. Ugh guys…we hate when a man can’t even write a complete sentence. Get it together!
But, that’s not all. It frustrates us when we meet a prospective candidate and we engage in a back and forth on-line chat and you take that to mean I really like you. Nope. It just means that we can converse like two civilized individuals. Besides, you haven’t even worked up to getting my fake Google number yet.
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These men display real neediness up front. That is a major turn-off. We want to scream “Stop being so stalkerish!” We need you to understand this…Yes, we have a life and sometimes we may want to wash our hair, watch Scandal and talk to other people instead of staying on-line and chatting with you. Don’t take it personal. Just be you. Be patient and be understanding that we have a life outside of this dang on-line chat.
Also, if you think you paying for the first date is a problem. Let me know upfront. Don’t take me to a restaurant and then look at me to pull out my wallet when you asked me out. Nope. That is a wrong first move. Oh, and if you are bold enough to ask me out and then can’t pay I will politely pay for my own date and walk the heck out.
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McDonald’s or any fast food restaurant is not a good first date choice. If you’re on a budget and can only afford McDonald’s then why are you dating? Why are you contacting me when my profile clearly says that I’m an analyst and you are between jobs? Really? Step up your game sir! Stay in your lane. It could be the broke, I’m unemployed and I’m looking for a girl to do a Netflix and chill with me lane. That’s fine. That’s just not me.
Another frustrating thing is folks that don’t have a profile picture. Really? Are you hiding from the feds? What’s the deal man? If you can’t put yourself out there, what makes you think that I will respond? I won’t. Men are visual creatures, but so are women. We want to know if you look like a science experiment gone wrong so we can not respond. We don’t want to waste our time. Looks are important. Love is not blind and neither am I.
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Those men get rejected quickly. We just don’t have time to do a back and forth with a potential man who is a 2 and we are a 7. I’m just saying. Know your numbers or approach me on the streets and strike up a conversation. If you’re that interesting then I MAY give you my number. No promises though.

Finally, be honest. Eventually we may see each other and I don’t want to be so disgusted by your gross misrepresentation of yourself that I start wondering am I being pranked. Don’t lie about your height, weight, facial features, body or anything. Dude, if you are missing all your teeth and have a peg leg I think you need to disclose that ASAP.  Please don’t make me sit there trying to fake interest during a meet and greet wishing that God would just strike me down so I can get the heck out of there. 
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There’s nothing wrong with you. You just have to love you. I don’t. Doesn’t make you not a good person. Just maybe you’re not the person for me. Does it really matter that you’re not? Nope. Just love yourself enough to not try to trick me into liking you. I promise that it will go over better.
Ah, the joys of dating!